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08-11-2019, 20:18   #3586
Sharp MZ700
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It has to be said, that's the sort of pervert you'll find in a golf club.
A pervert would have had the one eyed trouser monster launched in there, this fellow was overdoing it drying his hoop. Two very different things TBF. #notapervert.
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09-11-2019, 15:55   #3587
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You all have no idea how much better this thread has made me feel. As a long time sufferer of IBS, I’m so glad I’m not alone in these ‘sticky’ situations when caught short! I was pointed in the direction of this thread by a fellow poster, after telling them about a recent week-long sh**fest in Las Vegas, which I may post in time.

One of my more memorable encounters is as follows. A while back, I was invited by a friend to an event in Dartmouth Square. The event was for climate change/how to change the world etc. My friend being vegetarian, wanted to go as there would be healthy food stalls and all that jazz. Myself being a carnivore, I couldn’t particularly be a*$ed, but I was hungry so went along for a look. I started the afternoon with an iced coffee, followed by a leisurely stroll and yoga in the park. (Don't judge, I just did the yoga as it was free and wanted to give it a try). About twenty minutes afterwards, we were standing in the queue for food, when out of nowhere, in the depths of my intestines, it felt like a tornado weaving a path of destruction, bearing down rapidly towards the only exit. Within 30 seconds, the heat and pressure at my h*le was like nothing I have ever felt before. Not even a few warning farts, pain or any sort of rumble as what usually happens. If I had have tried to fart, it would have been a catastrophe. Panic set in and sweat rolled down my back. I darted out of the queue, cheeks clenched like a vice, as I lolloped towards the portaloos at the other side of the park. Typically, I expected to see a significant queue of people waiting to drop their waste, however, to my glorious surprise, the cubicles were ALL empty. I flung open the first door, no a**ewipe to be seen. Panic and an*l pressure increasing rapidly, went into the next one, the dam starting to leak around the edges at this stage. There must have been someone looking out for me that day, as there were four packets of domestic toilet roll, not even the vile stuff that cuts your an*s, beside a pristine latrine.

Ripped down my jeans and undergarments, and all fire and fury broke loose. I have read posts on this about pebbledashing etc – this batch of midden was in such liquid form it wasn’t even able to stick to the bowl. It squirted everywhere – downwards into the bowl, sideways across my cheeks, backwards onto the seat. The force was incredible and the smell was truly appalling, almost chemical-like. My h*le was pulsing this stuff out in spurts. I firstly sat in shock, afraid to move, then curiosity got the better of me to see what ungodly creation had come out of me. I stood up gingerly, turned around, and saw a pile of what looked like scum on top of a swamp, greenish in colour. I felt another rumble in the bowel depths, sat down, and unleashed further torrents of putrid matter. It was at this point when I noticed that the rancid liquid had dripped onto my new shoe. It must have dropped off a cheek when standing up for the inspection.

During clean up , one roll of paper was used trying to remove the mess and took a good five flushes to rid the toilet of that hellish substance. My ho*le felt as if a pitchfork was after being inserted. I gingerly emerged from the portaloo twenty minutes later, feeling a mixture of shame, dirty and shock. Waddled back to my friend, still queuing, hoping I wasn't stinking of sh1t.

Lesson learned that day – avoid hipster things such as iced coffee made with condensed milk, climate change events and yoga!!
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10-11-2019, 03:22   #3588
padd b1975
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It has to be said, that's the sort of pervert you'll find in a golf club.
Society punter I suspect.

Not a scrap of etiquette.
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10-11-2019, 03:39   #3589
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Always shit on the company dollar. That's pretty much all I got to say about that.
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10-11-2019, 08:11   #3590
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Always shit on the company dollar. That's pretty much all I got to say about that.
Good call, Mackeral, worth waiting for.....

Holding a ‘pot roast’ on the clutch for tomorrow, are we?

Top lad.
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10-11-2019, 08:23   #3591
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Just blew out a large bowl of "Semi-Skimmed"....after a generous ingestion of porter previous evening.....got an unmistakable waft from the pot that reminded me that I had gulled down a large bag of Bombay Mix as well.....
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10-11-2019, 09:03   #3592
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Just blew out a large bowl of "Semi-Skimmed"....after a generous ingestion of porter previous evening.....got an unmistakable waft from the pot that reminded me that I had gulled down a large bag of Bombay Mix as well.....
Drop the soft closing lid, Nevin,and hook up a pipe to the Cinterhal Hatin’ you’ll heat the squat for an hour or two.

Ignore the whiff, it’s there for safety and put out the Yankee candles.

Dont turn any devices on or off..... good to go.
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10-11-2019, 09:04   #3593
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Originally Posted by Nevin Parsnipp View Post
Just blew out a large bowl of "Semi-Skimmed"....after a generous ingestion of porter previous evening.....got an unmistakable waft from the pot that reminded me that I had gulled down a large bag of Bombay Mix as well.....
Cans of porter, Nevin? The boffins and eggheads up at St James’s Gate have done a fantastic job with canned Guinness, and I now prefer knocking back a dozen of them instead of strong European ‘cooking lager’.

However the canned version is even worse than the draught version for causing extremely loose and violent bowel movements the next day - the sort that are a deadly mixture of solids, liquids and gases. The sort where you wonder how bits of shït shrapnel end up under the rim and on the underside of the seat.

Huge amount of paperwork and brush work usually required.
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10-11-2019, 09:24   #3594
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Cans of porter, Nevin? The boffins and eggheads up at St James’s Gate have done a fantastic job with canned Guinness
Agreed. I put the blessings of Jehovah on them all down in Dublin 8.

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However the canned version is even worse than the draught version for causing extremely loose and violent bowel movements the next day - the sort that are a deadly mixture of solids, liquids and gases. The sort where you wonder how bits of shït shrapnel end up under the rim and on the underside of the seat.

Huge amount of paperwork and brush work usually required
Having just dropped of some dark chocolate love muffins presently and I have to say it was a decent experience. Solid enough that there was friction but certainly not a ''porridgey'' affair by any stretch. Enjoyable. 8/10.
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10-11-2019, 09:47   #3595
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Jesus, this thread is still going! What a pile of sh*t.....
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10-11-2019, 09:51   #3596
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Jesus, this thread is still going! What a pile of sh*t.....
A load of dung.
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10-11-2019, 09:52   #3597
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Had a few pints and a curry last night, I can feel the storm coming.
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10-11-2019, 10:25   #3598
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Cans of porter, Nevin? The boffins and eggheads up at St James’s Gate have done a fantastic job with canned Guinness, and I now prefer knocking back a dozen of them instead of strong European ‘cooking lager’.

However the canned version is even worse than the draught version for causing extremely loose and violent bowel movements the next day - the sort that are a deadly mixture of solids, liquids and gases. The sort where you wonder how bits of shït shrapnel end up under the rim and on the underside of the seat.

Huge amount of paperwork and brush work usually required.
There is something being used in all canned goods that causes unbelievable combustion within my engine room.
Does not matter what's inside the cans, whether tuna, mackerel, soup or porter they make me so gassy I could blow a lump of midden most of the way across the Galway Bay the following day
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10-11-2019, 14:09   #3599
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Originally Posted by Nevin Parsnipp View Post
Just blew out a large bowl of "Semi-Skimmed"....after a generous ingestion of porter previous evening.....got an unmistakable waft from the pot that reminded me that I had gulled down a large bag of Bombay Mix as well.....
Texture?

I recently polished off a few bottles of Tyskie that had been hanging around the back of the fridge along with a large bag of dark chocolate covered cashews.

Produced about a pint of what resembled Lyle's treacle over the course of a long weekend and probably burned about 2000 calories doing so.
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10-11-2019, 16:05   #3600
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Forget Syrup of Figs, Slophouse 13 is your only man.
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