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09-05-2019, 23:46   #2701
byrner88
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I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute.
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10-05-2019, 00:16   #2702
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Before my operation last week, the nurse wanted to know if I could give them a contact number in case of an emergency.

I said, "999."
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10-05-2019, 07:46   #2703
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How do you circumcise a whale?


Send down four skin divers
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10-05-2019, 16:02   #2704
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I was in the pub a few months ago when these 4 huge bastards started mouthing off.

"Pretend we're the police" my mate said ...

I only got half way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the sh1t out of us!
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10-05-2019, 16:32   #2705
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I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute.

I take it European money?
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10-05-2019, 19:42   #2706
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I'm not using my faulty bathroom scales again.

I’ve seen the error of my weighs.
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10-05-2019, 20:54   #2707
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I take it European money?

I just started a useless helpline service for Euro zone citizens.









It makes no cents
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10-05-2019, 21:50   #2708
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I take it European money?
If not then urine trouble.
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11-05-2019, 10:52   #2709
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A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started toexamine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
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13-05-2019, 09:46   #2710
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My wife always says that I'm tight-fisted.
So, to prove her wrong, I brought her out yesterday for some tea and biscuits.
It was quite exciting, as she had never given blood before.
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13-05-2019, 09:58   #2711
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I have sexdaily...



Sorry, I mean dyslexia
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13-05-2019, 15:47   #2712
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Why did Mickey Mouse hold his nose?

Because Donald trumped.
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15-05-2019, 00:11   #2713
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My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday.

"Bollocks" I said. "I didn't even know it was your birthday."
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17-05-2019, 11:39   #2714
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Old Boudreaux was a tough Cajun with a farm WAAAY down the bayou. For reasons that I won't bore you with, he had decided to divorce his wife, and to that end was in a lawyer's office in downtown N'Awlins one balmy afternoon. And down to business...

"So Mr. Boudreaux, in order to successfully obtain a divorce we're going to have to do a little groundwork. What kind of a case have you got?"

"Pas de Case, Monsieur - I gots me a couple of John Deeres."

"No, no!" said the lawyer, "I mean have you got any grounds?"

"Mais Oui! I gots a hunnert acres, mos' it unner water an' gator-'fested dad-fetchit, but she ground!"

The lawyer by this point had concluded that it would probably be a long afternoon.

"OK, let's change tack a little. We could maybe work the irreconcilable differences angle. Let me see... OK, for example Mr. Boudreaux, does your wife beat you up?"

"Non, we both up about 5am."

The lawyer got up, went over to the cabinet and poured a very stiff Bourbon...

"<sigh> Mr. Boudreaux, would you describe your wife as a nagger?"

"Mais non, Monsieur! She a lil' Coonass gal!! Las' chile was tho - thass why I want a divorce!!"
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18-05-2019, 04:11   #2715
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My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She nearly took my ****ing eye out.
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