Has anyone learned how not to be judgemental?

BilboBagOfCans · 16-02-2019 3:29pm #1

Met my friends this week and it came up in a jokey way that they think I'm very judgemental.
They are right, I grew up in a house where my family pass remarks on everyone, and I know I do it too.
I've started trying to notice the thoughts I'm having but it's really hard. It's also confused me as I think part of it stemmed as one of these friends cheated on her boyfriend and when she asked my opinion I said I thought it was wrong but is that being judgemental?
Any advice would be great

Flyingsnowball · 16-02-2019 3:32pm

Work on your self esteem. Try to do good things for people.
Stuff like judging people or worrying about other people will pass mainly. Nobodies perfect though.

Addle · 16-02-2019 4:34pm

Everyone is judgmental in some way or another, and if they say they're not, then I judge them to be liars!

Some people won't like your opinions.
It doesn't mean you're not entitled to your opinion.
You'll just have to figure out when it's ok to voice your opinion, and when it isn't.

Rubberchikken · 16-02-2019 4:48pm

youre entitled to your opinion and expressed honestly and calmly its fine.
being reared in a home where comments are made about anyone and anything is a habit that can be unlearned, it'll just take time and effort.

Purple Mountain · 16-02-2019 4:51pm

I read this very wise maxim once.
'Pick up the mirror instead of the magnifying glass'.
Can't remember who to credit it to.
Anyhow I find that quite powerful.

Big Bag of Chips · 16-02-2019 4:59pm

Everyone judges to a degree. There's just a difference between judging out loud, and judging in silence!

Passing negative comment on everyone is a habit, and now that it has been pointed out to you it's probably one that you'll break easy enough.

As for your friend, sounds like she set you up. If she didn't want your opinion or thought there was a chance she wouldn't like it, then she shouldn't have asked. After cheating on her boyfriend and asking your opinion, did she expect you to pat her on the back and say 'good on you'?!!

screamer · 16-02-2019 5:10pm

Being judgmental is a natural part of survival, anyone who says they aren’t is lying.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 16-02-2019 5:23pm

I think you need to separate the two issues there. Your friend asking your opinion and you giving it honestly is one thing, being pass remarkable in general another.

Being aware of judgemental thoughts you're having is the way to go, yes it's difficult particularly when it's behaviour you learnt in childhood but the more consistent you are with it the easier it'll get.

It might help if you can be a bit more specific, are there certain things you're particularly judgemental about, is it everyone (as in if you're sitting somewhere with your friends would you be at the "ugh, look at the state of your one") or just people you know etc?

Lookit, being aware of it and where it came from and wanting to do the work on it is a very good starting point, there are a lot if judgemental people who are blind to that quality in themselves in particular and negative qualities in general, at least you can take it as well as dish it out.

Can you think of someone, someone you know, A public figure, even a fictional character, whose lack of judgementalness you admire? Keep them in mind when you're monitoring your thoughts and responses.

BilboBagOfCans · 16-02-2019 11:59pm

Ellianna Angry Slacker wrote: »

I think you need to separate the two issues there. Your friend asking your opinion and you giving it honestly is one thing, being pass remarkable in general another.

Being aware of judgemental thoughts you're having is the way to go, yes it's difficult particularly when it's behaviour you learnt in childhood but the more consistent you are with it the easier it'll get.

It might help if you can be a bit more specific, are there certain things you're particularly judgemental about, is it everyone (as in if you're sitting somewhere with your friends would you be at the "ugh, look at the state of your one") or just people you know etc?

Lookit, being aware of it and where it came from and wanting to do the work on it is a very good starting point, there are a lot if judgemental people who are blind to that quality in themselves in particular and negative qualities in general, at least you can take it as well as dish it out.

Can you think of someone, someone you know, A public figure, even a fictional character, whose lack of judgementalness you admire? Keep them in mind when you're monitoring your thoughts and responses.

Thanks for all your replies.
I think I notice it more with things like sneering at things like girls who are really into Instagram and getting the perfect insta pic, I see it and I think that they are dopes but in fairness that's me being judgemental as I do think people can do what they want and more power to them if it makes them feel happy, but I want to change how my automatic thought is so negative.

Noo · 17-02-2019 5:25am

Being judgemental of people and situations etc is important to our survival. But of course we live very differently these days but some survival instincts are still embedded there (and still needed in unsafe situations). Anyways, before making comment, just think will anything good come from me opening my mouth. If the answer is no then keep your trap shut.

ChrissieH · 18-02-2019 1:56pm

I think that now it's been pointed out to you and obviously impacted you enough to post here about it, you can totally change things around if you want to.

I was very like that too; my mother has always, and to this day comments on everyone and anyone's physical appearance, so I spent my first 25 years being pretty much a bitch, and the annoying thing is that I have never cared one bit what anyone else looked like or did, it was just that I thought that was how women spoke & bonded, it was the only way I knew of making conversation; being judgey and superior. It's so embarrassing to me now but back then, I genuinely didn't know any different.
I remember being told by some boys in college that I was always complaining - that baffled me because I am so easily pleased and never expect anything from anyone, but I was brought up in a house where there's constant benign chatter, and finding fault with things is a favourite pastime - so basically, my nerves / lack of self-confidence when meeting new people brought out the usual nervey chatter, but because my default talking-point was to start a conversation about something flawed or irritating, lo and behold.. I came across like a total high-horsed, opinionated whingebag! Mortifying.

I have done a huge amount of study and reading on the topic of counselling, psychology etc and it has definitely helped me a lot in terms of not judging people; of course I still do judge at times, when I see someone behaving pretty badly in a totally conscious way - like your friend for example; to be fair to you, I think you showed courage to tell her that you felt she was wrong to do what she was doing, you didn't lie to spare her feelings when she was acting in a way that was unfair to her boyfriend.
However on the other hand, the non-judgemental response to her cheating would be to ask her what was up - why she felt the need to look outside of her relationship for sex rather than just a straight out "you're wrong to do that"
yeah, of course cheating is morally wrong if you view things in black and white, but presumably she has some need that's not being met, in which case, again, in black and white terms, she should just leave and find a more fulfilling relationship, but again, that's expecting people to behave in either black or white terms - that's not realistic, everything to do with humans and emotions is a total grey area, so I think that's the bottom line really.

lulu1 · 19-02-2019 1:06am

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, however you have no need to voice it if not asked. Are we that perfect that gives us the right to judge someone else

baby and crumble · 19-02-2019 9:34am

Like other posters have said, OP I think everyone is judge mental to some degree internally. I think the big challenger for everyone is to ensure it stays internal AND that you don’t let silly inconsequential things cloud your opinion of someone. Thinking to yourself “jaysis he shouldn’t be wearing skinny jeans!” Is normal. Being a dick about it to his face and thinking he’s an idiot and not respecting him as a human because of it is a whole other matter.

Yellow pack crisps · 19-02-2019 9:34pm

Your friend shouldn’t ask the question if she doesn’t want a truthful answer. You reflect on what you say and that is a good trait at least. Are you judgemental without being asked? Or just blunt when asked an opinion?

Ursus Horribilis · 19-02-2019 10:27pm

I know someone who says "What's left unsaid is easily fixed" and I think that's a sound basis for how to live your life. We all form opinions and are judgemental to some extent. Anyone who says they aren't is telling fibs (is that a judgement? :pac:) . The difference is, they're better at keeping their thoughts to themselves.

Perhaps if you think more about your audience and what effect your constant commentary is having on them, it might make you think twice before you speak? Would you like to have your clothes and hair commented on? Someone saying you must've been at the jam if you put on a bit of weight? Wondering aloud if you're deaf if you like a certain act. You get my drift. Believe me, nobody will suffer if you keep more of your thoughts to yourself.

On a practical level, try starting off by keeping all opinions in your head. Observe how other people around you behave. Perhaps you'll figure out for yourself when is a good time and place to express an opinion. People will appreciate your thoughts more if they're (a) positive and (b) in the right place at the right time. Being brutal, nobody is that interested in what you think about anything so use your comments more sparingly.

As for what your friend did - she really put you on the spot there. What you said was perfectly correct - what did she expect someone to say. As for the friend who started dating the new guy almost as soon as she'd split up from her boyfriend, yes you were right to keep your thought to yourself. It was perfectly normal for you to form an opinion but when it comes to things like this, it's better to keep those thoughts to yourself. As well as you being correct in saying you'd not like to be judged for being single, you don't have all the facts to hand. You don't know what her relationship was like before the split or where her head was at. And ultimately, it's her own business not yours.

Has anyone learned how not to be judgemental?

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