What's the etiquette here??

Arthur Fent · 08-01-2021 4:21pm

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Just a word of warning, A. Lots of folks these days can pick up a security camera cheaply enough so you might want to start “launching” the mess from a discreet location so as to avoid any personal, and potentially legal, trouble.

Think I'll be alright Emmet, chaps a pure technophobe. Wouldn't know his arse from his elbow. Just to be on the safe side though, I've been wearing a Halloween mask when I do the deed. Left him a little present on his doorsteps last night. Was frozen solid when I was going out this morning. Sparkling in the darkness.

Nevin Parsnipp · 08-01-2021 7:19pm

gerrybbadd wrote: »

It might have been the ghost cheeks, coupled with the absolute assault on the senses, that had her spooked. I'd say she was straight home to brush her teeth after it

Cheeks nivver touched the seat to be honest !

Smoked one out from a hovering 45 degree angle .....was too rushed and had to release the firing pin a bit "previous"....if you gets my drift.

Take no satisfaction in plastering any privy with wathery sh1te ...but this was a fcukin emergency.

Effect was very similiar to flinging a half cooked 4 egg omlette against the back of the pan ....complete with shards of tomato and what looked like onions liberally speckled thru it .

Have to tell it like it was dudes ......

Valresnick · 09-01-2021 12:19am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

No, you won’t win that one.

Any dude who wears shoes with the curled up toes won’t be phased by a bagged log.

You need a little more subtlety, make things awkward for him.

Get ‘high and loose ‘ in the traps, flood the pisspots with arse paper, that kind of stuff.

Keep him on his toes, probably contained cisterns so top decking out, an odd ‘plopper’in the middle of the bog floor and stuff.

Keep the Fcukker on his feet,like.

I seriously pondered bagging one of my logs and leaving it in the security guards room this evening for it to mature over the weekend. I decided against this as I’m just not that crude of a creature. What I did do was find the key to the toilets that he frequents and I’ve locked them. He now has to walk around to the opposite side of the building in his snarled shoes for his loafs. He looks angry and put out by this new arrangement. I’ll take my pathetic wins when I get them.

Portlawslim · 09-01-2021 12:30am

Just upgraded the seat on my favorite throne in the house(ensuite) to a soft close beautifully contoured Bemis https://www.bemisemea.com/en/toilet-seats/5050clt
Saving myself for tomorrow morning, for supper tonight I will have consumed a Chicken Curry Chip with portion of onion rings on the side to really take it for a test drive.
Wish me well and I'll try and keep it between the ditches!

Valresnick · 09-01-2021 12:34am

Portlawslim wrote: »

Just upgraded the seat on my favorite throne in the house(ensuite) to a soft close beautifully contoured Bemis https://www.bemisemea.com/en/toilet-seats/5050clt
Saving myself for tomorrow morning, for supper tonight I will have consumed a Chicken Curry Chip with portion of onion rings on the side to really take it for a test drive.
Wish me well and I'll try and keep it between the ditches!

I’d say it’s been well tested by a few holes from the factory already.

Brendan Bendar · 09-01-2021 7:13am

Valresnick wrote: »

I seriously pondered bagging one of my logs and leaving it in the security guards room this evening for it to mature over the weekend. I decided against this as I’m just not that crude of a creature. What I did do was find the key to the toilets that he frequents and I’ve locked them. He now has to walk around to the opposite side of the building in his snarled shoes for his loafs. He looks angry and put out by this new arrangement. I’ll take my pathetic wins when I get them.

Excellent, that’s the way to do it.

Another tip would be to get a Cidona bottle, fill it with piss and leave it ‘in the area’ . Snarled shoe will deffo throw it up on the head.

Make sure it’s cold and leave the receipt adjacent of the original bottle.

IAMAMORON · 09-01-2021 9:39am

When I was a child I spoke like a child I walked like a child I Shat like a child...... but when I became a man I shat like only a man could.

Just completed one of the finest shights I could ever have imagined that in all my long and dear life I was truly capable of delivering. It surpassed all and many of my best craps in dear memory.

Arrived at my family home on Thursday eve to meet with the entire posse of morons, oh yes , there are many of us, tall dark pale and handsome.... We spent most of Friday morning skulling can after can of dark black stout, purchased at a value added offie, which was thankful for our kind convenience. Personally I estimate I downed well over 40 3/4 pints of sublime dark angel juice ... without a belch or hint of a hiccup. It was only as the dusk of yesterday came calling, that I did grab several of my moron cousins, uncles, brothers, fathers, sons and collapse ( with great greatness ) onto the living room floor to partake in celebratory pile-ons.

Pile - ons :- are an essential bout of human embrace which should never be underestimated, when joined with family and friends of like mind. Whilst painful when you find your self at the bottom of 3 generations of family, the appeasement of laughter and contentment that ensues is simply a must for all partakers.

It is only when you feel a sense of great fear that you can truly reconcile the thoughts that enter a compact piece of nurtured fecal matter, as it struggles though the last tunnels of a compacted arse.

At one point last night as I stood large an tall on top of my great grandfathers box, in the center of the living room that he built with his own posse of morons, that I finally understood that the mastery of Shay Healy and Johnny Logan were never imagined by my forefathers great imagination. I had been waiting such a long time, looking out for you.

" wath's another shight ? For a shight that's lost everything that it owns?
What's another shight ? Fro a shight that is jsut getting used to being laid in the Throne?

I have been shighting , such a long time, shighting without fear, but you are not heeeeerrrrrrre... bum bum , what's another year?

I retired to the outside facilities for my dump. My Grandpa engineered a spectacualar outdoor parlour that still stands thoughout the depths of time though great rigour. Built with the finest of Scots Pine it sits steady for well over half a century out the back of a home he bore with his bare hands. It is a magnifient shighthouse still standing varnished, teetering solidily on the edge of a nearby slurry pit which pours down to the samp laying open below.

The bang of fresh human scutter lay fermenting below, as I dropped my trousers and pants and sat my wonderful ass-cheeks on the 81 year old trap that my father's father plied and curved with great ambition, in a century which had yet to witness the start of the invasion of Poland and his internment on the plains of Kildare. This crapper has the character of many a moment of movement down the years. It is a simple creation which was built to last.

Even today it still lies without a lock , with its rusty corrogated roof which has never been changed in 81 long years. The smell of old varnished pine meets your mind as you light the candle which adorns the shelf on the left hand side of the bench. I love the cold grime of the moss ridden seat as you slowly succumb you arse to its' cold embrace.

I let fly for a good ten minutes - an extoll of great virtue - poooed and flowed out my rampant backside. It flooded hard and strong into the pit below, sounding like large bag of Kippers, Sardines, freshly shelled Crab and Haddock, being poured onto the floor of a large fish barrel overturned and splayed across the floor within. Johann Sebastian Bach would have been proud of its' sublime rhythm... as it scurried out my ass and onto the pile below. The bang was wholesome and familiar, the heartfelt contentment as I dropped, was groundbreaking and I felt as if I was saying goodbye to an epoch of Barry White that I would forever miss?

I sat and took in the fervent stench of my latest statement. There is nothing as satisfying as the smell of your own shight.. in the instant that you deliver it back to the earth, slopping and carefree, back to it's creator's manifest. I sniffed deeper to examine its' potency - if only to inspirit its' creator that its' time within its' great chambers were greatly appreciated? Beautiful hums of tangy Irish whisky flayed with fents of marbled Italian Garlic Salami ensconced in fervour of cheesed out Camenbert and bland red Cheddar ... with a hint of foiled roast chicken, splattered and mired with 3 to 4 gallons of blackened refermented and detoxicated stout. A groundbreaking delivery.

Before wiping I contemplated the plight of the people of the County of Mayo and their long yearning for an All Ireland Football title. I briefly daydreamed that I was receiving fellatio in a Turkish bath from a famous Corkonian ( wegian) Camogie star and that I was finally burying the ghost of poor Dennis Taylor's betrayal. I accepted that Thom Yorke's vocal range was unsurmountable and worthy of great respect, honour and praise - I pitied the lead singer of Coldplay and his plight of underachievement as a result of that realisation. The stars aligned. I realised finally that Ciarán Fitzgerald was the Irish rugby Messiah and that Eoin Mulligan scored the greatest ever goal in Croke park.

There will be no turning back.

Brendan Bendar · 09-01-2021 10:44am

Jaysus!

Need to go back to bed after that!!

09-01-2021 11:40am

IAMAMORON wrote: »

When I was a child I spoke like a child I walked like a child I Shat like a child...... but when I became a man I shat like only a man could.

Just completed one of the finest shights I could ever have imagined that in all my long and dear life I was truly capable of delivering. It surpassed all and many of my best craps in dear memory.

Arrived at my family home on Thursday eve to meet with the entire posse of morons, oh yes , there are many of us, tall dark pale and handsome.... We spent most of Friday morning skulling can after can of dark black stout, purchased at a value added offie, which was thankful for our kind convenience. Personally I estimate I downed well over 40 3/4 pints of sublime dark angel juice ... without a belch or hint of a hiccup. It was only as the dusk of yesterday came calling, that I did grab several of my moron cousins, uncles, brothers, fathers, sons and collapse ( with great greatness ) onto the living room floor to partake in celebratory pile-ons.

Pile - ons :- are an essential bout of human embrace which should never be underestimated, when joined with family and friends of like mind. Whilst painful when you find your self at the bottom of 3 generations of family, the appeasement of laughter and contentment that ensues is simply a must for all partakers.

It is only when you feel a sense of great fear that you can truly reconcile the thoughts that enter a compact piece of nurtured fecal matter, as it struggles though the last tunnels of a compacted arse.

At one point last night as I stood large an tall on top of my great grandfathers box, in the center of the living room that he built with his own posse of morons, that I finally understood that the mastery of Shay Healy and Johnny Logan were never imagined by my forefathers great imagination. I had been waiting such a long time, looking out for you.

" wath's another shight ? For a shight that's lost everything that it owns?
What's another shight ? Fro a shight that is jsut getting used to being laid in the Throne?

I have been shighting , such a long time, shighting without fear, but you are not heeeeerrrrrrre... bum bum , what's another year?

I retired to the outside facilities for my dump. My Grandpa engineered a spectacualar outdoor parlour that still stands thoughout the depths of time though great rigour. Built with the finest of Scots Pine it sits steady for well over half a century out the back of a home he bore with his bare hands. It is a magnifient shighthouse still standing varnished, teetering solidily on the edge of a nearby slurry pit which pours down to the samp laying open below.

The bang of fresh human scutter lay fermenting below, as I dropped my trousers and pants and sat my wonderful ass-cheeks on the 81 year old trap that my father's father plied and curved with great ambition, in a century which had yet to witness the start of the invasion of Poland and his internment on the plains of Kildare. This crapper has the character of many a moment of movement down the years. It is a simple creation which was built to last.

Even today it still lies without a lock , with its rusty corrogated roof which has never been changed in 81 long years. The smell of old varnished pine meets your mind as you light the candle which adorns the shelf on the left hand side of the bench. I love the cold grime of the moss ridden seat as you slowly succumb you arse to its' cold embrace.

I let fly for a good ten minutes - an extoll of great virtue - poooed and flowed out my rampant backside. It flooded hard and strong into the pit below, sounding like large bag of Kippers, Sardines, freshly shelled Crab and Haddock, being poured onto the floor of a large fish barrel overturned and splayed across the floor within. Johann Sebastian Bach would have been proud of its' sublime rhythm... as it scurried out my ass and onto the pile below. The bang was wholesome and familiar, the heartfelt contentment as I dropped, was groundbreaking and I felt as if I was saying goodbye to an epoch of Barry White that I would forever miss?

I sat and took in the fervent stench of my latest statement. There is nothing as satisfying as the smell of your own shight.. in the instant that you deliver it back to the earth, slopping and carefree, back to it's creator's manifest. I sniffed deeper to examine its' potency - if only to inspirit its' creator that its' time within its' great chambers were greatly appreciated? Beautiful hums of tangy Irish whisky flayed with fents of marbled Italian Garlic Salami ensconced in fervour of cheesed out Camenbert and bland red Cheddar ... with a hint of foiled roast chicken, splattered and mired with 3 to 4 gallons of blackened refermented and detoxicated stout. A groundbreaking delivery.

Before wiping I contemplated the plight of the people of the County of Mayo and their long yearning for an All Ireland Football title. I briefly daydreamed that I was receiving fellatio in a Turkish bath from a famous Corkonian ( wegian) Camogie star and that I was finally burying the ghost of poor Dennis Taylor's betrayal. I accepted that Thom Yorke's vocal range was unsurmountable and worthy of great respect, honour and praise - I pitied the lead singer of Coldplay and his plight of underachievement as a result of that realisation. The stars aligned. I realised finally that Ciarán Fitzgerald was the Irish rugby Messiah and that Eoin Mulligan scored the greatest ever goal in Croke park.

There will be no turning back.

Christ almighty, the poor auld slurry tank bacteria didn't deserve that, they might never recover. Their hardier rekations in the septic tank would have taken it in their stride.

sligojoek · 11-01-2021 1:52am

Valresnick wrote: »

Should I leave a bagged log in the security guards quarters ?

Worth a try

11-01-2021 1:59am

Daragh1980 wrote: »

Anyone done this joke?

Take a dump into (or transfer contents) into an empty coffee jar. Follow up by urinating into it. Put lid on it and leave for a week.

Get up early in morning - say 7am
Go to a neighbours house that you know has a carpet in the hall.
Remove lid from jar and place it against front door - tilted at an angle.
Knock loudly on door.
Find a hiding place or leg it
When the door is opened, the jar will fall forward and the contents will spill out inside.

This should be like a flag or something on the NSA algorithms
What kind of a monster...

Slideways · 11-01-2021 1:05pm

Very scuttery shyte just now. A text book version of a type 6. They fail to mention on the chart the smell.

I feel they should have a pre-deposit warnings signs column too

You the man · 11-01-2021 4:00pm

Pace car has just left the pits here..

The rest of the race cars followed on very quickly..

Gael23 · 11-01-2021 4:51pm

Made my way to the throne this morning with a turd already beginning to emerge from my rear only to realise there was one piece of toilet paper left on the roll

Brendan Bendar · 11-01-2021 5:50pm

Gael23 wrote: »

Made my way to the throne this morning with a turd already beginning to emerge from my rear only to realise there was one piece of toilet paper left on the roll

Shouldn’t have been a problem, Gael.

Stand on the brakes, advance the throttles rapidly and the loaf should exit like a kingfisher off an overhanging branch.

No need for paper, dab of a hankie into the meat eye if any slight muzzle dust to be taken care of.

Job done.

Borderfox · 12-01-2021 12:15pm

The toilets in work are baltic about -2 at the best of times, bunting out sods of chocolate ice cream today.

12-01-2021 1:37pm

Borderfox wrote: »

The toilets in work are baltic about -2 at the best of times, bunting out sods of chocolate ice cream today.

Total opposite here. The heating is cranked to the max. Not really helping with the fent. It's extremely pervasive the last few days as everyone clears the last excesses of Christmas and new years from their systems.

Aglomerado · 12-01-2021 3:13pm

Waiting for someone in the Mater hospital at the moment. A double espresso from their Starbucks has created a Trouble Express-o. I went to the jax to unleash the beast. Three traps. One with a cleaning sign on it, the second stacked with used sh1t tickets and the third available for use. Dropped an absolute honker accompanied by squeaky arse screams. While washing my hands, another patron entered Trap 3 and inhaled the miasma I left behind. I giggled as I heard the 'preliminary' flush being employed in a vain attempt to dissipate the stench. I think it may even be infiltrating 'hospital street!'

partyguinness · 12-01-2021 4:40pm

Feck it.

Had to drop a load this morning. Foot was firmly on the clutch while I waited for the coast to clear. Accounts lady is working from home but a few of the young wans were loitering in the room next to the jax just chit chatting while I am pacing the floor of my office. Anyway they cleared off and off I went to unload. Like dropping a load of fish from a height. Even left out a satisfying sigh as the nobody in earshot.

About 4 seconds later I hear the toilet in the cubicle next door flushing- the womens and only an old partition wall separating us. Completely blind sided. Good and embarrassed since.

Arthur Fent · 12-01-2021 5:56pm

Scuttering like a mad yoke today. Guts have been dodgy since Saturday evening. Awful situation altogether. Just slapped some of those Immodium instants down me neck, so hopefully they'll slow things down.

12-01-2021 8:26pm

After the festive season I think I've got something this thing going on:

Its like it should br coming out a lot easier than it is. Finished off some gone off Shaws crumbed ham, and its pressurised beige mustard now, very loud on exit.
I think I might need to be jetted.

NeinNeinNein · 15-01-2021 12:03am

MikeOxsgreen wrote: »

I think I might need to be jetted.

There's a couple of Polish lads out the Long Mile Road are dead handy for that. Tell them you're a taxi driver and they'll do it for a fiver. Happy new year.

15-01-2021 12:35am

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

There's a couple of Polish lads out the Long Mile Road are dead handy for that. Tell them you're a taxi driver and they'll do it for a fiver. Happy new year.

I feel simultaneously appalled, threatened and fascinated as to what exactly is on offer

Cookie_Monster · 15-01-2021 3:47am

Dunno what it was that I ate/drank on Wednesday night but I was just hosing water straight out me arse multiple times that evening. Very dis-concerting feeling altogether.
very little substance, 98% brown water.

Everything back to normal the next morning so no harm done I reckon but jaysus wouldn't want to go through that again.

15-01-2021 9:36am

Cookie_Monster wrote: »

Dunno what it was that I ate/drank on Wednesday night but I was just hosing water straight out me arse multiple times that evening. Very dis-concerting feeling altogether.
very little substance, 98% brown water.

Everything back to normal the next morning so no harm done I reckon but jaysus wouldn't want to go through that again.

Sounds like IBS or camplyobacter.
Horrid little hoors

Slideways · 18-01-2021 11:38am

Captains Log; day 3, finally some signs of working bowel

No **** in days here, felt like a mid 30s gamer who was in the middle of a marathon clash of clans tournament surviving solely on Mountain Dew and cheesy Doritos.

Hot wafty farts were the first signs of life. Cloying things, left the cheeks feeling moist and sweaty as they passed through. Like there was a bubble of methane that could only be freed with a sidestep. Quite a difficult task while queueing in the mess for dinner.

Finally there was a discharge. The bang off it was horrendous, it was the shape and texture of a Cadbury’s Creme egg. Floating like a beach ball on the surface. The paperwork revealed a clean swipe. I can only guess there will be a follow up soon?

Brendan Bendar · 18-01-2021 12:59pm

Just after blocking the disabled shïtter in an outdoor public convenience.

Load like a horses fetlock left in her, couldn’t shift it.

Whack of stale onions and cabbage......

Cerveza · 18-01-2021 1:02pm

You should be having a ghostie on each bowel movement as part of a healthy diet.

Slideways · 19-01-2021 1:16am

Slideways wrote: »

I can only guess there will be a follow up soon?

An update, as I’m sure ye have all been refreshing the page with bated breath..

Well the encore was nothing, and I mean nothing, like the first act. Long wet sticky scour. The clean up was labour intensive and I got some on my phucking hand.

The colour, it fairly shocked me. It was blacker than a protestants heart. As I’m not a Guinness drinker this came as a surprise, but I did have some craft stout at a house party on Sunday so I guess that is a result of that!

Brendan Bendar · 19-01-2021 8:07am

Slideways wrote: »

An update, as I’m sure ye have all been refreshing the page with bated breath..

Well the encore was nothing, and I mean nothing, like the first act. Long wet sticky scour. The clean up was labour intensive and I got some on my phucking hand.

The colour, it fairly shocked me. It was blacker than a protestants heart. As I’m not a Guinness drinker this came as a surprise, but I did have some craft stout at a house party on Sunday so I guess that is a result of that!

House party!!!

What's the etiquette here??

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