GF moving away...

OneOfTheseDays · 25-05-2016 3:07pm #1

I'm in my mid-twenties as is my girlfriend. We've been together since our teens (with a sizeable gap during college). Have lived together for 3(ish) years. She's recently got an opportunity to go abroad for further studies - 12 months definitely but possibly more - and has decided to take up the opportunity. This has all been fairly quick, application around Christmas, accepted around March, handing in notice in work in the next few weeks and currently arranging accommodation for next year.

We had a lovely little life going on, probably a bit settled but both gainfully employed in well paying jobs. While paying high rents we still had enough money left over for holidays and to live comfortably.

Obviously we're not married but I just feel a bit left out of the whole decision making process. It's a great opportunity for her and probably necessary if she wants to get into a more fulfilling career. I'm trying to be as supportive as possible, and the pragmatic side of me understands her decision.

I wouldn't be the best at conflict or making my case in a clear manner. Instead waiting until I've reached a breaking point of sorts and picking a row over something insignificant and letting everything pour out. In addition I work in a fairly stressful job (peaks and troughs) but currently under a lot of pressure, and there have been some ongoing family issues that have taken up a lot of my time and emotional headspace for the past 12-18 months.

A lot, though not all the friend I have mentioned it to fob me off with "ah it's only 12 months" but I'll be honest I'm not keen to get into a LDR with no definite end date. We have and have had a wonderful time together and I'm just afraid the pressure of her being away like this will fester something horrible.

Sorry for rambling. Heads a bit all over the with it all.

TL; DR Long term/live in girlfriend moving abroad for, definitely 12 months most likely more. What would you do?

fungun · 25-05-2016 4:42pm

She's recently got an opportunity to go abroad for further studies - 12 months definitely but possibly more - and has decided to take up the opportunity

They key to me is in this sentence. Did she decide to go away or did you sit down as a couple and decide this was right?

Im going to give two sides here - firstly, if you have lived together 3ish years and been together longer than that, I do think you should be involved in that decision for sure....or at a minimum be able to express your views on the matter.
On the other hand, as you say youself, you arent good at conflict. Have you mentioned this to her at all? You say you have been supportive.....she probably took this as agreement (not unreasonably), so perhaps she thinks you have spoken about it.

If you are unhappy about this, its up to you to stand up and say what you feel, no one else will do that for you. Go and be clear. You (forgive my bluntness) do sound a little fuddy duddy about this....like you say "this has all been fairly quick".....she applied at Christmas, thats 5 months ago for Gods sake, you have had plenty of time to state what you felt about it

If its for studies, then it should have a definite length of time. Since you are living together, I do think supporting a partners desire to do sth like this is nice.....however being ok with her going away for an indefinite amount of time is probably pushing it....I think its fair enough to have an expectation of when she would be back. If you are unhappy, perhaps you compromise with lots of visits for 12 months, but say that 12 months is all you are happy with.

tl;dr as you say......get the finger out and say what you feel, or things will fester!

Ignatius in bloom · 25-05-2016 5:52pm

OneOfTheseDays wrote: »

I'm in my mid-twenties as is my girlfriend. We've been together since our teens (with a sizeable gap during college). Have lived together for 3(ish) years. She's recently got an opportunity to go abroad for further studies - 12 months definitely but possibly more - and has decided to take up the opportunity. This has all been fairly quick, application around Christmas, accepted around March, handing in notice in work in the next few weeks and currently arranging accommodation for next year.

We had a lovely little life going on, probably a bit settled but both gainfully employed in well paying jobs. While paying high rents we still had enough money left over for holidays and to live comfortably.

Obviously we're not married but I just feel a bit left out of the whole decision making process. It's a great opportunity for her and probably necessary if she wants to get into a more fulfilling career. I'm trying to be as supportive as possible, and the pragmatic side of me understands her decision.

I wouldn't be the best at conflict or making my case in a clear manner. Instead waiting until I've reached a breaking point of sorts and picking a row over something insignificant and letting everything pour out. In addition I work in a fairly stressful job (peaks and troughs) but currently under a lot of pressure, and there have been some ongoing family issues that have taken up a lot of my time and emotional headspace for the past 12-18 months.

A lot, though not all the friend I have mentioned it to fob me off with "ah it's only 12 months" but I'll be honest I'm not keen to get into a LDR with no definite end date. We have and have had a wonderful time together and I'm just afraid the pressure of her being away like this will fester something horrible.

Sorry for rambling. Heads a bit all over the with it all.

TL; DR Long term/live in girlfriend moving abroad for, definitely 12 months most likely more. What would you do?

The first thing you should do is get rid of your passive aggressiveness and sit down and discuss it as the two adults you are. Secondly you can't stop someone's progression in life and if you love her and your relationship is strong then it will survive and actually could be a real opportunity for you both to grow as people in an independent fashion. If it was me I'd look on it positively that one the person I love is getting themselves into a great environment that will one day will reap rewards hopefully on a personal and professional level and secondly I get to visit them in a new place and broaden my own horizons and thirdly it would give me time to at your age I guess 25? To kind of have time for myself to get out and do some things and either create a few new hobbies or get back to the hobbies that I had neglected. One year is nothing in the greater scheme of things when you put things into perspective and absense can invigorate and put a relationship on a newer and higher level where bonds of love and trust are forged and maintained.

silverharp · 25-05-2016 8:55pm

difficult one, you will know best how you are both getting on as a couple , does she indicate that you have a long term relationship going forward? if not then it might be just her way at getting out of a rut and giving herself options ? what for example is her attitude about what will you do when she moves out, will you have to move to?

DukeOfTheSharp · 26-05-2016 3:30am

From the sounds of it she just up and decided this on her own OP, and honestly, that wouldn't sit well with me at all. The fact that this could, in your mind, lead to conflict is equally worrying, because it seems like she has a lot of control over the situation by perhaps causing conflict when you least expect it.

Look, she's going now and the only thing you can do is sit down with her and tell her that this isn't something you're on board with. That if she had run it by you, just to bring you in on it, you'd have been ok with it. Honestly, one other thing that jumps out at me is that you two live together, and yet...she's seemingly ok with just trotting off to wherever and leaving you with the issue of rent/bills/finding a new roommate. I don't know OP, seems like she's a bit of a 'career woman' to me, the kind that put everything into their work and refuse point-blank to compromise or even talk it over, or consider the consequences of their decisions. Now I'm not saying that career women are bad, but some are selfish and act as if the whole world revolves around them, and that's wrong, communication never killed anyone in a relationship. Careers are one aspect of life, this was a big choice and obviously she has thoughts about your relationship that don't match your own.
If it was me OP, I'd sit down and tell her that her actions were unfair, that she left you out and didn't consider you, and that 12+ months is a long time to go long-distance with something so heavy weighing on you. I'd honestly end it, lord knows if she left you out of this, then any future decisions of importance to the two of you might end up the same way: with her deciding and you left to sink or swim.

LegacyUser · 26-05-2016 6:16am

Abroad can mean near or far. Is it an option to see her every few weeks while she's away?

For all the world I can never understand why people do young move in together so early. I suspect she doesn't want to be in the same 'rut' (to her) for the next 60 years and wants to experience some of life.

I don't think it's happened quickly - it's been 5 months since it first came up... I also think you appeared to be on board with it and now have changed your mind. The girl will probably be shocked to hear you gave an issue with it. It's s hard earned lesson - say what you truly want when you are asked otherwise situations have a tendency to get away from you.

LegacyUser · 26-05-2016 7:52am

Is there a possibility of you moving with her? If life is stressful here for you maybe taking a year out somewhere together would benefit you on a few different levels. Could you apply for a career break from work? A year out?

She's not a mind reader and if she discussed this with you when she started thinking about it originally and you didn't voice doubts or worries at that point, then she's not to know how you really feel. I'm sure she's having a few doubts and worries herself, but I do think it's something you shouldn't discourage her from doing. You're both still very young. You have no children or ties to keep you here yet. So you should take all opportunities available to you now before "settling down" properly.

Yes, a year, possibly more, seems catastrophic to you now. But in the grand scheme of things it's no length. And it is something that will benefit you both for the rest of your lives. Talk to her. Don't argue, don't pick a fight, don't blame her for something or other. Talk to her. It's the only way you're going to feel better about the situation.

OneOfTheseDays · 31-05-2016 9:48am

Thanks for the replies folks. Certainly some food for thought!

GF moving away...

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