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3 year old not wanting to visit dad (ModNote pst 37)

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Comments

  • #32
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭[Deleted User]


    lazygal wrote: »
    It's always a massive red flag when a man or woman needs to list a host of crazy ex things on a public forum. But mostly it's men who do this and seem to think everyone else buys their narrative. Meanwhile the kids just want to be in their home, sleeping in their beds and in their own routine. As an adult I'd hate to have to stay elsewhere every week or month. Why do we expect children to put up with this.

    Its mainly men who get the raw end of the stick, thats why. A man or women should not ever use kids as leverage


  • #33
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭[Deleted User]


    lazygal wrote: »
    It's always a massive red flag when a man or woman needs to list a host of crazy ex things on a public forum. But mostly it's men who do this and seem to think everyone else buys their narrative. Meanwhile the kids just want to be in their home, sleeping in their beds and in their own routine. As an adult I'd hate to have to stay elsewhere every week or month. Why do we expect children to put up with this.

    if you ever split from your husband and the law treated the dad as the primary carer, only then would see the level of control the primary carer has


  • #34
    noel1980
    Closed Accounts Posts: 107 ✭✭noel1980


    keeffo2005 wrote: »
    Hi Noel

    Thanks for the comments. I think you read it a bit wrong, i do see my kids, however the ex is really provoking situations to drive me to take her to court. To what end i can only assume she wants more money. Its become very toxic and even collecting them has become toxic. What i have noticed is the kids are only acting like this since the latest downturn in the 'amicable' relationship.

    The ex is very transactional and manipulative. If you met her you would think i was the biggest Pr**k in the world and then after a while you'd realise theres a lot more to it. She seems to switch friends a lot which tells people fall for the victim and hard done by sympathy card until she eventually falls out with them.

    She has a certain cohort wrapped around her finger but most others have seen the light.

    It was only when my friends and family left enough time pass (when they knew we wouldnt be getting back together) that they really spoke their minds about what they saw as manipulation and a massive entitlement ego.

    Anyway as i said it was all fine when i was bowing to her commands which got more and more demanding and full on that i had to take a step back and now realise this was always going to happen. It was so ridiculous i was getting daily calls about every difficulty in her life and trying to get me to solve it, from asking me to get her a sliced pan on the way home from work to ringing about her holiday pay from work. it eventually led to me returning to my car with 8 missed calls and a message to ring as soon as i can. It was a personal matter not related to the kids but i was already around the corner from her house as i couldnt get through and thought something happened my kids. That made me re-evaluate and take a step back to create clear acceptable boundaries, as soon as i stopped taking her calls and stopped bowing to her unacceptable demands she got way nastier and i even noticed situations being blown out of proportion on the phone as other people were listening in. She even called my mam and was trying to frighten her about court.

    i just want her to go by what was agreed, only discuss things about the kids and be polite in front of the kids. She has reneged on most things agreed at this stage and i am getting replies to send her a summons. Trying to deal with someone like this is extremely draining and also daunting/overwhelming that i have 15-18 years of dealing with her and her watching anything nice i may get.


    I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I have no children so I can't really relate too well. All I'll say is stay real to yourself and don't do anything rash. Keep your cool. It sounds like she is trying to provoke you and make you fly off the handle, so then she can point her finger and say "I told you he's a ***". Then you're in real trouble cus she can get the courts and guards involved, etc. Ever seen that movie "Falling Down"? Don't be that guy. Just be cool, stay sober, exercise, meditate, etc.



    Sorry, this is the best advice I can give. Hope things improve for you.


  • #35
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭[Deleted User]


    noel1980 wrote: »
    I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I have no children so I can't really relate too well. All I'll say is stay real to yourself and don't do anything rash. Keep your cool. It sounds like she is trying to provoke you and make you fly off the handle, so then she can point her finger and say "I told you he's a ***". Then you're in real trouble cus she can get the courts and guards involved, etc. Ever seen that movie "Falling Down"? Don't be that guy. Just be cool, stay sober, exercise, meditate, etc.



    Sorry, this is the best advice I can give. Hope things improve for you.



    Cheers, i try to stay cool but its daunting not knowing when the next drama will come from, i know shes after money. I have decent access only cos it suits her and before lazygirl interjects, its cos she has fallen out with 95% of her family so i'm her 'babysitter' as she likes to put it. i am trying to maintain the access as it will be the norm when she tries to change it in a few years


  • #36
    Forty Seven
    Closed Accounts Posts: 280 ✭✭Forty Seven


    lazygal wrote: »
    splinter65 wrote: »
    lazygal wrote: »
    This man is presenting his side of the story. I've heard all these "crazy ex" stories a million times. There's two versions of every story and then there's the truth, which is that it is unfair to make a child shuttle between households to suit the parents.

    I’m with you on this. 15 years of experience and 8 times out of 10 there’s at least one good reason why a father isn’t getting to see his kids.
    It's always a massive red flag when a man or woman needs to list a host of crazy ex things on a public forum. But mostly it's men who do this and seem to think everyone else buys their narrative. Meanwhile the kids just want to be in their home, sleeping in their beds and in their own routine. As an adult I'd hate to have to stay elsewhere every week or month. Why do we expect children to put up with this.

    Because maintaining a relationship with both parents is the most important thing for the child. Otherwise they grieve, blame themselves and end up developing significant mental health problems as adults.
    You don't appear to have a clue about what is best for children if you think staying in another home is bad for them.


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  • #37
    Dravokivich
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Music Moderators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,360 CMod ✭✭✭✭Dravokivich


    MOD

    C'mon we're s'posed top be the grown ups here. This is no the place for lazy stereotypes. If ye can't contribute without'em, don't.


  • #38
    Forty Seven
    Closed Accounts Posts: 280 ✭✭Forty Seven


    keeffo2005 wrote: »
    noel1980 wrote: »
    I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I have no children so I can't really relate too well. All I'll say is stay real to yourself and don't do anything rash. Keep your cool. It sounds like she is trying to provoke you and make you fly off the handle, so then she can point her finger and say "I told you he's a ***". Then you're in real trouble cus she can get the courts and guards involved, etc. Ever seen that movie "Falling Down"? Don't be that guy. Just be cool, stay sober, exercise, meditate, etc.



    Sorry, this is the best advice I can give. Hope things improve for you.



    Cheers, i try to stay cool but its daunting not knowing when the next drama will come from, i know shes after money. I have decent access only cos it suits her and before lazygirl interjects, its cos she has fallen out with 95% of her family so i'm her 'babysitter' as she likes to put it. i am trying to maintain the access as it will be the norm when she tries to change it in a few years

    Document everything. Get a lawyer, get ready for a fight. You are already losing as family court is biased. Keep calm, as the poster above said. You cannot lose your cool. Not even a raised voice or a bad word.
    I can't state how important a lawyer is. You will be torn a new one without a lawyer.
    You are being used right now, it will not improve. You must be prepared for all types of nasty accusations once you stand up to it.
    It is highly probable you will come out of court with less access and more payments. Then the alienation really begins. It leads a lot of men to suicide.
    Did I mention a lawyer?


  • #39
    Forty Seven
    Closed Accounts Posts: 280 ✭✭Forty Seven


    Saw mod warning after I posted. I won't post again.


  • #40
    Dravokivich
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Music Moderators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,360 CMod ✭✭✭✭Dravokivich


    Forty Seven wrote: »
    Saw mod warning after I posted. I won't post again.

    Thanks, but it was more so aimed at those using stereotypes to provoke.


  • #41
    krissovo
    Registered Users Posts: 2,645 ✭✭✭krissovo


    Hey OP, I really feel for you having gone through a very similar situation with my ex and our children. Long story short when my daughter was 4 she was vocal that she didn’t want to stay with me but it did get better.

    This would be my advice:

    Kids are robust and I promise when they get older they will tell you that they appreciated staying over. Make there space “homey”, let them help you decorate and make them invest in the space but not too fancy that they don’t want to go home again.

    Act the better person, always praise the mother in front of the kids and ignore the toxic atmosphere during the hand over by smiling and being pleasant.

    Don’t spoil the kids

    Use a mediation service, while both of you are unhappy it will remain toxic. At least work through a 3rd party for a workable solution. Just you and your ex with no mother in laws or sisters otherwise it will fail.


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  • #42
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭[Deleted User]


    lazygal wrote: »
    It's always a massive red flag when a man or woman needs to list a host of crazy ex things on a public forum. But mostly it's men who do this and seem to think everyone else buys their narrative. Meanwhile the kids just want to be in their home, sleeping in their beds and in their own routine. As an adult I'd hate to have to stay elsewhere every week or month. Why do we expect children to put up with this.

    The reality is that it’s just not possible for many or most separated couples to spend time under the same roof for a host of reasons so you are essentially asking one of the parents to be cut out of their lives if they are to meet the same house every night criteria.

    Many don’t even communicate directly never mind spend time under the same roof.


  • #43
    splinter65
    Registered Users Posts: 9,420 ✭✭✭splinter65


    Kevin Fit Suburbia wrote: »
    The reality is that it’s just not possible for many or most separated couples to spend time under the same roof for a host of reasons so you are essentially asking one of the parents to be cut out of their lives if they are to meet the same house every night criteria.

    Many don’t even communicate directly never mind spend time under the same roof.

    The parents are adults. When it comes to the best interest of the children whose welfare and happiness are 1st 2nd and 3rd priority then there are no sacrifices that can’t be made in order to lessen the blow for them.
    Children want to be in their own bedroom playing with their own friends doing their homework at their own kitchen table in their own sitting room watching their own Telly’s.
    They don’t want to “pack a little bag” to get into the absent parents car to go to another house leaving their friends out playing on the street on Saturday afternoon.
    It doesn’t matter how you dress it up it’s a totally unnatural way for them to live and to be honest with you if my mother had tried to tell me that that’s what I had to do then as much as I loved daddy I wouldn’t have been going.
    If the two parents can’t bear to be under the same roof for 48 hours and put aside the adult angst for that period then the resident parent should make themselves scarce for the two nights.


  • #44
    krissovo
    Registered Users Posts: 2,645 ✭✭✭krissovo


    splinter65 wrote: »
    The parents are adults. When it comes to the best interest of the children whose welfare and happiness are 1st 2nd and 3rd priority then there are no sacrifices that can’t be made in order to lessen the blow for them.
    Children want to be in their own bedroom playing with their own friends doing their homework at their own kitchen table in their own sitting room watching their own Telly’s.
    They don’t want to “pack a little bag” to get into the absent parents car to go to another house leaving their friends out playing on the street on Saturday afternoon.
    It doesn’t matter how you dress it up it’s a totally unnatural way for them to live and to be honest with you if my mother had tried to tell me that that’s what I had to do then as much as I loved daddy I wouldn’t have been going.
    If the two parents can’t bear to be under the same roof for 48 hours and put aside the adult angst for that period then the resident parent should make themselves scarce for the two nights.

    You need to come back to reality, most people do not live in your perfect world. If you have achieved it fair play to you but for some its a very tough period and even worse for a father. My kids are grown up now, one is lawyer in London and my daughter has just qualified as a vet. They just had a different upbringing from the perceived “normal” and did ok. They are doing much Better than some of their friends who grew up in loveless homes.


  • #45
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Ideally parents would never break up and this would not be an issue but it's not a perfect world and while the children are the priority, the parents matter too.

    I agree kids need stability and routine but once there is the above in the arrangement of where they go and when it should cause minimal disruption. I'd imagine in cases where the kids are upset it's the attitude of the parents that are the problem moreso than the two homes. You only have to talk to adults who experienced this as kids to see this.

    It's not realistic to expect the parents to live together a few days a week and it could send the wrong message to the kids.


  • #46
    pickarooney
    Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 35,063 Mod ✭✭✭✭pickarooney


    lazygal wrote: »
    The old "children are very adaptable" excuse. Surely there's some better way to organise access without making children stay where they don't feel comfortable.

    Yes, the solution is to make them feel comfortable.


  • #47
    splinter65
    Registered Users Posts: 9,420 ✭✭✭splinter65


    krissovo wrote: »
    You need to come back to reality, most people do not live in your perfect world. If you have achieved it fair play to you but for some its a very tough period and even worse for a father. My kids are grown up now, one is lawyer in London and my daughter has just qualified as a vet. They just had a different upbringing from the perceived “normal” and did ok. They are doing much Better than some of their friends who grew up in loveless homes.

    If you see academic achievement and a successful career as evidence of your children being unscarred by their childhood experience then that’s your prerogative.
    It sounds as if those things were important to you so you’d naturally feel that they’ve done “ok”.
    Growing up in a home with your two biological parents is not “perceived” as normal.
    It is normal, perfectly natural and the ideal situation by the way. If you can suggest a more normal natural situation I’d be interested to hear about it.


  • #48
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭[Deleted User]


    splinter65 wrote: »
    If you see academic achievement and a successful career as evidence of your children being unscarred by their childhood experience then that’s your prerogative.
    It sounds as if those things were important to you so you’d naturally feel that they’ve done “ok”.
    Growing up in a home with your two biological parents is not “perceived” as normal.
    It is normal, perfectly natural and the ideal situation by the way. If you can suggest a more normal natural situation I’d be interested to hear about it.

    We had a set agreement and routine in place. She broke everything that wasnt convenient to her lifestyle nothing to do with the kids

    The kids are more than used to the routine and know no better, as I said when I chose to stop being used it all changed. Agreement ripped up and being told send me a summons.

    You are obviously speaking from a female perspective as you will never have to experience what a Male does in a relationship breakdown. You never hear the feminist movement shouting for equality in this case as the inequality is only towards a male and massively in favour of the women. My kids are being used for leverage, I just never picked up on the signs when I was with her


  • #49
    iamwhoiam
    Registered Users Posts: 16,069 ✭✭✭✭iamwhoiam


    krissovo wrote: »
    You need to come back to reality, most people do not live in your perfect world. If you have achieved it fair play to you but for some its a very tough period and even worse for a father. My kids are grown up now, one is lawyer in London and my daughter has just qualified as a vet. They just had a different upbringing from the perceived “normal” and did ok. They are doing much Better than some of their friends who grew up in loveless homes.

    What has being a lawyer or a vet got to do with anything .? If I were to speak about my grown up kids it is how loving they are, responsible , kind, fair , and loyal .What their career is is not how I would rate them .


  • #50
    Princess Calla
    Registered Users Posts: 5,769 ✭✭✭Princess Calla


    splinter65 wrote: »
    The parents are adults. When it comes to the best interest of the children whose welfare and happiness are 1st 2nd and 3rd priority then there are no sacrifices that can’t be made in order to lessen the blow for them.
    Children want to be in their own bedroom playing with their own friends doing their homework at their own kitchen table in their own sitting room watching their own Telly’s.
    They don’t want to “pack a little bag” to get into the absent parents car to go to another house leaving their friends out playing on the street on Saturday afternoon.
    It doesn’t matter how you dress it up it’s a totally unnatural way for them to live and to be honest with you if my mother had tried to tell me that that’s what I had to do then as much as I loved daddy I wouldn’t have been going.
    If the two parents can’t bear to be under the same roof for 48 hours and put aside the adult angst for that period then the resident parent should make themselves scarce for the two nights.

    So where is the resident parent supposed to go?
    Sofa surfing? Land back in their parents if still alive? Or maybe they have bottomless pockets and can afford a mortgage, childcare and two nights in a hotel every weekend!


  • #51
    Dravokivich
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Music Moderators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,360 CMod ✭✭✭✭Dravokivich


    Keep on topic folks. This is not a debate about the rights or wrongs raising kids with separated parents. The OP is going through an incredibly difficult time and is reaching out for advice on how to handle it.


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  • #52
    AulWan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,653 ✭✭✭AulWan


    Here is a tip a friend of mine used, to help his children settle when they first started coming to stay in his house overnight. He painted their bedroom the same colour as the bedroom in their mother's house, bought the same curtains, and the same duvet covers, and he found it really helped. After the first few times, they were grand.


  • #53
    AulWan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,653 ✭✭✭AulWan


    splinter65 wrote: »
    The parents are adults. When it comes to the best interest of the children whose welfare and happiness are 1st 2nd and 3rd priority then there are no sacrifices that can’t be made in order to lessen the blow for them.
    Children want to be in their own bedroom playing with their own friends doing their homework at their own kitchen table in their own sitting room watching their own Telly’s.
    They don’t want to “pack a little bag” to get into the absent parents car to go to another house leaving their friends out playing on the street on Saturday afternoon.
    It doesn’t matter how you dress it up it’s a totally unnatural way for them to live and to be honest with you if my mother had tried to tell me that that’s what I had to do then as much as I loved daddy I wouldn’t have been going.
    If the two parents can’t bear to be under the same roof for 48 hours and put aside the adult angst for that period then the resident parent should make themselves scarce for the two nights.

    You are being totally unrealistic, but I suspect you know this. What happens when two separated parents move on, forms new relationships, possibly have more children with a new partner?

    Are they still supposed to up sticks and move back into their exs house 2 nights a week with the kids?

    The reality is, blended families happen now. Children of seperated parents can and will adjust to staying in their other parent's home (and with step parents, and step siblings in due course) - it becomes their normal. I find in these cases its more often one of the parents that is causing the problems, then the kids.

    Its amazing how many mothers will perceive such difficulties with their children staying overnight with their Dads, yet no such difficulties exist when they want to leave them overnight with Granny (as an example), or have sleepovers with cousins, so they can have a night out. :rolleyes:


  • #54
    Dravokivich
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Music Moderators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,360 CMod ✭✭✭✭Dravokivich


    Mod

    Please keep on topic.


  • #55
    Ash.J.Williams
    Registered Users Posts: 20,929 ✭✭✭✭Ash.J.Williams


    lazygal wrote: »
    I've seen the damage done when children are shuttled around because of custody agreements when they don't want to leave their primary home but have to pack up anyway. I don't have a solution. I'm thinking of how the children feel having to move around like this. I know my middle child in particular would never want to pitch up to a different place every weekend or whatever and if he was getting upset about it that's clearly not a child centred approach.

    My own personal solution to make life easy for my kid is to do all the work, absolutely everything, 300mile round trip every time. This means my kid can relax and we get extra time and we don't have to put up with bi weekly excuses of how the mothers car has broken down again....or hair appointments ....or whatever the f** is wrong this week


  • #56
    canonball5
    Registered Users Posts: 445 ✭✭canonball5


    OP, I just want to wish you well and say that you seem to be doing a great job so far. I'm in a very similar situation that for years I allowed to go on. Once I stopped being her personal bank everything changed. She continues to pick and choose times and locations for me to see my daughter.

    Only last Friday I got a phone call to collect my child on 1 hours notice and her mother wanted to go on the piss that weekend. When I said I was still in work so told my daughter "daddy doesn't love you enough to collect you on time". Please, whatever you do, never show this woman that she is getting to you. Never allow her to take you off centre and never show her any emotion.

    The emotional abuse us single fathers go through is truly shocking!

    There are far too many manipulative , narcissistic women who are 10 steps ahead of us out there.

    If you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me!


  • #57
    AulWan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,653 ✭✭✭AulWan


    There's another thing you can do, Keeffo.

    No need for your kids to pack anything beyond themselves and maybe a favourite toy or game. Your home should be their home too, so always keep a few sets of the staples of clothing that they will need, plus a few changes of pyjamas, socks and underwear.

    It doesn't have to be expensive stuff, just clean and comfy. Penneys is your friend. :)


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