'No girlfriend. Just go to work, go home'

Wibbs · 22-10-2019 4:01pm

SusieBlue wrote: »

If you aren't happy on your own you won't be happy with someone else.

TBH SB I have long thought that an overly simplistic idea. It certainly has some value yes, but on the other hand, we're a social animal and if you strip away the window dressing our main drive is to grow up, pair bond and make little copies of ourselves*, rinse and repeat. For even the most internally well balanced, sharing a life is preferable and yes will tend to increase contentment. I've also known a fair number of men and women who were background a bit miserable when single and perfectly happy and well balanced as part of a couple.

*that doesn't exclude gay folks either by any means as most also want a stable monogamous relationship and many also want kids and adopt or go the surrogate route where possible.

Chelle_C · 22-10-2019 4:02pm

Nothing more off-putting to a single girl than a fella who has nothing going on his life.
I dated a guy exactly like you a while ago and whilst I really fancied him at the start it was only a matter of weeks before I realised he had literally nothing going on (other than seeing me) and I totally went off him. I became his whole focus, if I couldn't see him a particular day he'd get very down and tell me he had nothing else to do and try to make me feel guilty.

Go travelling, doesn't have to be a 6 month stint in India - a few European weekend breaks here and there, stay in hostels if you're broke.
I went to Rome alone for a week once, first time away. Made friends with a couple of the girls in the hostel and had a holiday fling with a local Italian guy that I met on POF whilst there :P was an amazing experience!

You go out 3 times a week alone to meet women?? That sounds so creepy.

Your time would be much better spent doing something productive, maybe go back to college and do an evening course?
I've done this twice and I made friends each time, new people to socialise with which will ultimately lead you to going out to new places/meeting even more people.

No point sitting around moaning, do something about it.

spaceHopper · 22-10-2019 4:10pm

Years ago I was the "driver" on a night out saw this chick and she was F-ing amazing totally my type, didn't have the balls to approacher her. By the end of night I was sober enough to see she looked like a bag of cats, hair a mess, face a mess cross eyed... if you woke up next to her in the morning your'd chewy your arm off. So next time you are going out think of it this way by the time you've drunk enough to have the balls to go up to her - you're too drunk. 3 Second rule applies go straight up with in 3 seconds otherwise you botttle it and by the time you do somebody else has or you are a mess.

Go drinking to get wasted all you wany but when you go on the pull drink less. Even go out at 10 pm or 11 pm when ever it gets bussy. Get a beer buzz with out getting wasted.

SusieBlue · 22-10-2019 4:19pm

Wibbs wrote: »

TBH SB I have long thought that an overly simplistic idea. It certainly has some value yes, but on the other hand, we're a social animal and if you strip away the window dressing our main drive is to grow up, pair bond and make little copies of ourselves*, rinse and repeat. For even the most internally well balanced, sharing a life is preferable and yes will tend to increase contentment. I've also known a fair number of men and women who were background a bit miserable when single and perfectly happy and well balanced as part of a couple.

*that doesn't exclude gay folks either by any means as most also want a stable monogamous relationship and many also want kids and adopt or go the surrogate route where possible.

Oh of course its preferable to be with someone. I think that's true for most people, myself included.
I just think its very naive to believe that getting into a relationship will solve the deep unhappiness he seem to feel - it'll just manifest itself in other ways.
If anything it'll probably make him worse, because his fear of losing the relationship or something going wrong will cause him such anxiety he won't even be able to enjoy it.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 22-10-2019 4:26pm

Wherever you go, there you are. Y'know?

seamus · 22-10-2019 4:30pm

Wibbs wrote: »

TBH SB I have long thought that an overly simplistic idea. It certainly has some value yes, but on the other hand, we're a social animal and if you strip away the window dressing our main drive is to grow up, pair bond and make little copies of ourselves*, rinse and repeat. For even the most internally well balanced, sharing a life is preferable and yes will tend to increase contentment. I've also known a fair number of men and women who were background a bit miserable when single and perfectly happy and well balanced as part of a couple.

We're a social animal, but that doesn't necessarily mean that a romantic relationship specifically makes us happy.

Recent research suggests that a boring relationship may be worse than even being single; https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/201910/being-single-beats-bad-relationships-and-even-neutral-ones

I do think you're right that it may be overly simplistic to say that a relationship won't make someone happy. But it depends on the root of your unhappiness. If you have issues, then a relationship is not going to magic them away.

But if ultimately you're just stuck in a rut, you procrastinate and can't get off your hole, then a new relationship will break your stagnant routine, and ultimately will form new habits. Which may make you happier. Or may just give you new ways to procrastinate. The easy way to identify it is if all your relationships tend to end the same way, then you've probably got bigger issues to work on.

Chelle_C · 22-10-2019 4:50pm

I agree that we're social animals and it's human nature to seek relationships. Yes, being with a compatible partner can be deeply satisfying.

However, it's a fact that it simply doesn't happen for everyone.
And if you are one of those that doesn't find love, do you just give up and sit around moping?
There's still a whole world out there, a whole life to live so at least try to enjoy it.
You may be alone but that doesn't have to mean being chronically miserable and lonely.

At least try and change your situation, no one is going to randomly knock on your door one day and change it for you.

Wibbs · 22-10-2019 4:56pm

seamus wrote: »

The easy way to identify it is if all your relationships tend to end the same way, then you've probably got bigger issues to work on.

24 Carat True Fact right there.

izzyflusky · 22-10-2019 5:02pm

To be fair, you can easily go to work and back home with not much else on when in a relationship too. In fact, it can be worse because overtime most would end up with kids so you go to work and then your second job after...by the time your evening duties are fulfilled you are fit for bed.

I'm also curious as to how a night out alone works? I can only picture your token creepy guy on a pub or club dancing alone. So it's a genuine question!

For the poster who found the light skinned comment coming from a Brazilian funny, you do know that not all Brazilians are black or tanned right? And in fact they tend to be quite racist I found too...

TheW1zard · 22-10-2019 5:04pm

Conquer your inner b1tch

YFlyer · 22-10-2019 5:09pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Ask your boss to give one of your 15 minute breaks between 1.45 and 3.00

Then call Joe Duffy / P..

You mean John Duffy?

Laurali · 22-10-2019 6:27pm

yup sorry - but first thing I would do is address your drinking (I have read all the posts and can see you saying this is not an issue for you like it is to everyone else). Until you realise it may be a problem blocking you from finding happiness and potentially causing depressive bouts rather than masking them, you'll be in limbo.

You don't have a hobby - find one. Try things. If you dont like something, try again.

Do stuff for yourself. If your depression is stopping you, get help for that.

HELP YOURSELF. Clean up, and the love will come after that. The usual crap... if you don't love yourself, no one else will do it for you.

Alpha_zero · 22-10-2019 6:42pm

Hey Bro i would say there is someone out there for you, but that is a spurious statement.

Lost of people will be single till they die

anewme · 22-10-2019 7:41pm

Alpha_zero wrote: »

Hey Bro i would say there is someone out there for you, but that is a spurious statement.

Lost of people will be single till they die

True.

But so what if they are?

If that really is the worst than can happen?

Life has a different path for everyone, some people will marry, some won't.

I see both men and women too caught up in trying to find that someone or something that they are constantly living in limbo. Waiting on something that might never come. Or when it does, it's a massive letdown.

Drinking too much only adds to depression. Its a spiralling downward cycle that can be hard to break out of once it really takes hold. No one is going to make you stop it. You have to see it as an issue. Until then, the cycle goes round and round.

Everyone has their own challenges and no ones life is perfect.

kiki_the_third · 22-10-2019 8:02pm

I just wrote a very long reply to you that disappeared when I went to leave it, very annoying. The gist of it was this - would you be happy to date a female version of you? If you met a girl who went out drinking a lot and couldn't live without it, had no hobbies or social life, would you think "Oh yeah, she's girlfriend material." If not, why not? And why would you expect any woman to date you if you wouldn't date a similar woman?

Bullet To The Head? wrote: »

Why are you being so touchy just because I called her out on her hypocrisy?

I have to say, you don't seem to actually like women very much. Why does it bother you that she had a holiday romance? It sounds fab to me.

You definitely appear to have a drinking problem. If you feel that giving up is not an option and you drink 3-4 nights a week and to oblivion at the weekend, those are some major red flags for any woman. Try giving up for a month. If you can't, seek help.

Connect with your family and friends. I've been single for a long time and it's lonely, but I find strong friendships (not hanging out with people 'several rungs down the social ladder') really helps, and being close with my family has become more and more important to me as I have watched my friends start to settle down. Build a rich life any woman would be glad to be a part of.

Hobbies: What did you like doing when you were a kid? There's an almost inifinite number of options. Take up any sport or form of athletics. Learn a language. Travel. Draw. Take up an instrument. Do stand-up comedy.

What does your bedroom look like OP? Is it the bedroom of an adult man who's in control of his life?

Looks: You can't control your genetics but you can control
- what you wear
- whether or not you exercise
- how you take care of your skin
- your diet
- whether you drink 2L of water a day.

I was going to suggest getting a dog. They're great companions and a great way to meet people and start a conversation, but tbh I wouldn't recommend it if you're planning to maintain your drinking habits, because it wouldn't be fair to it.

Also, hey guys, I'm back! (for now)

radiotrickster · 22-10-2019 8:11pm

BDI wrote: »

Girls like men who do stuff. When their friends ask them what’s he like they don’t want to say “oh he’s grand now that he has me”

This is so true. I'm always encouraging my partner to take up a hobby. I've loads and he always wants to spend time with me when I want to do my things. If I don't go out with him, he just stays at home all day

kiki_the_third · 22-10-2019 8:13pm

Manly Banter wrote: »

She called me a creep. That's fine maybe I am one. But she can't expect me not to hit back in fairness

No, she didn't. She said going to bars three nights a week alone is creepy behaviour. You attacked her because she successfully did what you're trying to do - get the ride.

Chelle_C · 22-10-2019 8:14pm

Manly Banter wrote: »

She called me a creep. That's fine maybe I am one. But she can't expect me not to hit back in fairness

I said it sounds so creepy. That’s not calling you a creep, I don’t know you.
Just telling you how it comes across.

You can take my post in the tone it was meant, which was giving you advice and showing how things could be whilst you’re single or you can take offence and carry on as you are.
Makes no difference to me or anyone else on this thread either way.

And hit back all you want; I had a fab week in Rome, the guy was hot and the sex was great. I’ll be old and wrinkly one day and I’ll look back on that experience with a smile on my face.

kiki_the_third · 22-10-2019 8:17pm

Manly Banter wrote: »

No I attacked her for being a hypocrite. If she wants travel alone and hook up with guys online, fine. But who is she to look down on others?

She wasn't. She was giving you advice to try going travelling and making friends in hostels. You chose only to hear an insult in it.

Maybe women don't like you because you give off an angry, resentful vibe?

I gave you loads of advice above but you're still stuck on this. Why post here at all if you're just going to ignore/ reject all the advice you get?

Would you like to date someone like you? If not, work on that.

Galwayguy35 · 22-10-2019 8:24pm

There have always been some men and to a lesser extent women who never ended up with a partner, we all know old batchelors in the areas we live in.

Not saying the OP will end up like this but there really isn't someone for everyone.

The people who hit the genetic jackpot will end up together, the ordinary joes and plain janes will also settle down and the rest will end up alone.

anewme · 22-10-2019 8:29pm

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

There have always been some men and to a lesser extent women who never ended up with a partner, we all know old batchelors in the areas we live in.

Not saying the OP will end up like this but there really isn't someone for everyone.

The people who hit the genetic jackpot will end up together, the ordinary joes and plain janes will also settle down and the rest will end up alone.

Not everyone single or solo is an ordinary Joe or plain Jane.

Life and circumstances are very individual.

You don't need a partner to have a happy and fulfilled life.

kiki_the_third · 22-10-2019 8:31pm

anewme wrote: »

You don't need a partner to have a happy and fulfilled life.

As a long-term singleton, I really want to believe this - and to a large extent I do - but it is hard not to feel like you're missing out on something quite fundamental.

extra gravy · 22-10-2019 8:34pm

One thing I've learned is that you can't rely on anyone else for your own happiness. Maybe work on yourself before you go looking for a relationship.

Beasty · 22-10-2019 8:35pm

Guys

I would not pay too much attention to anything the OP said - they were a regular re-reg troll

Galwayguy35 · 22-10-2019 8:41pm

anewme wrote: »

Not everyone single or solo is an ordinary Joe or plain Jane.

Life and circumstances are very individual.

You don't need a partner to have a happy and fulfilled life.

Never said you did need a partner to be happy but it's the people who can never get a ride at all that would be in the last group I mentioned, guarantee you they aren't happy.

anewme · 22-10-2019 8:50pm

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

Never said you did need a partner to be happy but it's the people who can never get a ride at all that would be in the last group I mentioned, guarantee you they aren't happy.

No, but you implied that those in the last group must be ugly.

cgcsb · 22-10-2019 8:53pm

I don't think op should have a relationship. Create a better life for yourself. I've no interest in monogomy myself and I have to say from listening to lads I work with going on about their wives girlfriends and kids I can safely say I've a vastly better life than they do. I can travel, take evening courses, play sports, go to gigs, have all sorts of sex all different ways, if and when I see fit. The lads who are committed have to apply for planning permission to go for brunch with a friend and then get made feel guilty after.

BorneTobyWilde · 22-10-2019 8:57pm

Alpha_zero wrote: »

Hey Bro i would say there is someone out there for you, but that is a spurious statement.

Lost of people will be single till they die

Is it best to have a ''somebody'' or to try find that someone. Anyone can have a somebody.
If OP wanted a somebody, then that is so easy. Go to the Philippines, or Thailand, or Colombia and come home with a super model.

images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcTHXrS07WYvBVUv81IQiIuWGQWeaLiY9ZD_jzo2GTPNXgEYAgFh

images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcTHXrS07WYvBVUv81IQiIuWGQWeaLiY9ZD_jzo2GTPNXgEYAgFh

You could have a wife in a month if you wanted, and she'd make love to you endlessly.

Galwayguy35 · 22-10-2019 8:58pm

anewme wrote: »

No, but you implied that those in the last group must be ugly.

So what, it's a fact that some people are not good looking at all and this is a reason why they won't have any success with the opposite sex.

BorneTobyWilde · 22-10-2019 8:58pm

Me, I want a someone, that someone unique, I know her, but I don't have her.

'No girlfriend. Just go to work, go home'

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