Whats acceptable

littlesista · 21-03-2019 1:55pm #1

hi
Ive been seeing a guy for nearly a year. i knew from the start that he had kids and that he had responsibilities there and that it affects him financially and with spare time etc etc. that's all cool.

he lives with his parents. i live alone and pay a mortgage, bills, wifi, supply all the household necessities etc that are needed.

he stays with me now 6 nights a week.

whenever we order take out I pay as i get it on an app and he never offers.

he pays for means and food occasionally. he cooks when he is hwe and i clean up. he does nothing around the house cleaning etc. he does not buy basics, he is tidy but does not tidy generally, would not know where the hoover is.

we went away for a weekend last august and it cost me 300. he never offered to split it. i organised it. his birthday was soon after. he wanted to get away but as i had just spent 300 i sat back and let him organise. he stalled long enough to realise i wasnt gong to pay and when he did book somewhere it was so late all we got was a horrible b&B in the wrong location. I bought him a decent present and dinner.

was starting to feel used. ordered take out at the weekend. deliberately did it for collection and cash payment to see if he would offer. he didn't. when it came time to go out and collect the food he didn't move. Instead of saying 'here i will pay' or here's some money' he said 'do you want money?" (i paid for shopping 40 quid the previous night) i had to go when he said we would. when I asked did he think it was fair that i order collect and pay for the food and bring it back to him he said it was no big deal. Cue argument where he leaves. Long text battle ensues where I apologies for not bringing up the money issue properly and he does not apologise but instead says i am lucky he comes over to me every night, cooks for me, goes travelling with me, downloads films for me etc. Then suggests that we get back together on a trial basis but one more blow up and its over ! I am on probation apparently.

He said a few months ago that he can never pay rent as he can't afford it with maintenance payments. i appreciate that however he does not seem stuck for case as he just spend 2500 on himself.

my birthday was in january. said he was arranging a present that might be late. COOL ! never arrived. he told me in March that the thing he had organised had fallen through. no sign of a gift. I'm not about gift but staring to think WTF i wouldn't do that. He goes out of his way to buy over expensive presents for family.

thoughts ? Is he a freeloader, am i am idiot ? Is this now a gaslighting relationship where he is never wrong and he has turned a situation of him not paying into me being an asshole ?

Graces7 · 21-03-2019 2:22pm

littlesista wrote: »

hi
Ive been seeing a guy for nearly a year. i knew from the start that he had kids and that he had responsibilities there and that it affects him financially and with spare time etc etc. that's all cool.

he lives with his parents. i live alone and pay a mortgage, bills, wifi, supply all the household necessities etc that are needed.

he stays with me now 6 nights a week.

whenever we order take out I pay as i get it on an app and he never offers.

he pays for means and food occasionally. he cooks when he is hwe and i clean up. he does nothing around the house cleaning etc. he does not buy basics, he is tidy but does not tidy generally, would not know where the hoover is.

we went away for a weekend last august and it cost me 300. he never offered to split it. i organised it. his birthday was soon after. he wanted to get away but as i had just spent 300 i sat back and let him organise. he stalled long enough to realise i wasnt gong to pay and when he did book somewhere it was so late all we got was a horrible b&B in the wrong location. I bought him a decent present and dinner.

was starting to feel used. ordered take out at the weekend. deliberately did it for collection and cash payment to see if he would offer. he didn't. when it came time to go out and collect the food he didn't move. Instead of saying 'here i will pay' or here's some money' he said 'do you want money?" (i paid for shopping 40 quid the previous night) i had to go when he said we would. when I asked did he think it was fair that i order collect and pay for the food and bring it back to him he said it was no big deal. Cue argument where he leaves. Long text battle ensues where I apologies for not bringing up the money issue properly and he does not apologise but instead says i am lucky he comes over to me every night, cooks for me, goes travelling with me, downloads films for me etc. Then suggests that we get back together on a trial basis but one more blow up and its over ! I am on probation apparently.

He said a few months ago that he can never pay rent as he can't afford it with maintenance payments.

my birthday was in january. said he was arranging a present that might be late. COOL ! never arrived. he told me in March that the thing he had organised had fallen through. no sign of a gift. I'm not about gift but staring to think WTF i wouldn't do that. He goes out of his way to buy over expensive presents for family.

thoughts ? Is he a freeloader, am i am idiot ? Is this now a gaslighting relationship where he is never wrong and he has turned a situation of him not paying into me being an asshole ?

my bolded says it all! yep, freeloader fits.

Bandito909 · 21-03-2019 2:25pm

Graces7 wrote: »

my bolded says it all! yep, freeloader fits.

Run!

jimgoose · 21-03-2019 2:41pm

He's a manipulative arsehole. Chuck him now.

One eyed Jack · 21-03-2019 3:37pm

littlesista wrote: »

thoughts ? Is he a freeloader, am i am idiot ? Is this now a gaslighting relationship where he is never wrong and he has turned a situation of him not paying into me being an asshole ?

Is he a freeloader?

Certainly all the signs are there.

Are you an idiot?

Nope, you’re just being manipulated.

Is it a gaslighting relationship where he has turned everything around on you like you’re the asshole?

Certainly sounds like it.

The one thing you have going for you is that you were still lucid enough to recognise the signs early. The relationship clearly isn’t one of mutual respect and thoughtfulness for each other going both ways - you’re thinking of both of you while he appears to be still only thinking of himself. That kind of a one-sided attitude isn’t conducive to a relationship where someone who isn’t so self-centred would consider your perspective.

littlesista · 21-03-2019 3:51pm

Thanks for taking the time to reply everyone...

Unfortunately this isn’t my first manipulative relationship however this one is mild compared to the last one! It’s bad when you have to balance being manipulated/ used versus being single and all that brings. I’m 44, friends a social opportunity is not what it used to be but dating isn’t much better. Life !!! ðŸ€®

21-03-2019 4:03pm

littlesista wrote: »

Thanks for taking the time to reply everyone...

Unfortunately this isn’t my first manipulative relationship however this one is mild compared to the last one! It’s bad when you have to balance being manipulated/ used versus being single and all that brings. I’m 44, friends a social opportunity is not what it used to be but dating isn’t much better. Life !!! ðŸ€®

Would you prefer to be manipulated and used over being single?

littlesista · 21-03-2019 4:11pm

Obviously not. The point I am making is the choice of men these days means there’s always some level of bull**** to tolerate. So itsbe single or deal with bull**** is my point.

Unfortunately the level of self entitlement I come across is amazing, and that’s even from the good ones.

21-03-2019 5:06pm

littlesista wrote: »

Obviously not. The point I am making is the choice of men these days means there’s always some level of bull**** to tolerate. So itsbe single or deal with bull**** is my point.

Unfortunately the level of self entitlement I come across is amazing, and that’s even from the good ones.

I think there might be another way. Absolutely you can choose to be single but if you would like a relationship then its possible to meet a decent man who is free from bullshìt. Its certainly not easy to meet someone we click with and begin a relationship with, but it is possible.

littlesista · 21-03-2019 5:41pm

I'll be 90 by the time I've weeded all the bad ones out

Horusire · 21-03-2019 5:52pm

littlesista wrote: »

I'll be 90 by the time I've weeded all the bad ones out

OP as a man I cannot believe your putting up with this. My missus would have stabbed me in my sleep long ago if I behaved like that and she's easy going enough.

Get rid of that waster

coffee_cake · 21-03-2019 5:53pm

Not that, run away

Graces7 · 22-03-2019 11:13am

at my advanced age being single holds no terrors. I let go any other idea long since and am fine with it.

Sure there were..... offers.... But !

The idea of any man rather than no man? No thank you! I value myself more than that.

OP you are worth far far more than this.. You really are.

Lux23 · 22-03-2019 2:49pm

OP, the way I see it you have all the power here. It's your home, and you're financially secure, so if you would like to be with this man, then I would say to him that things have to change. For instance, one small thing he could do is pay you rent. A nominal amount like 30/ 50 quid a week. If he says no, then he doesn't love you, and the relationship just suits the situation he's in.

Emme · 22-03-2019 4:35pm

OP did you have a proper talk with him about finance, division of expenses etc.?

At the moment you are being used. It sound like he won't change. If he doesn't make amends big time (give you a good birthday present, take you out for dinner and pay for it etc.) it's time to get rid.

Your house is a handy alternative to his parents' place so he's suiting himself by going over 6 nights a week. Does he stay as well? If so he's taking the proverbial. Cooking meals and buying the odd lot of groceries doesn't cut it.

His parents are probably glad to have him out of their hair 6 nights a week and he doesn't have to pay rent. He's a gigolo but he doesn't know it.

solerina · 22-03-2019 6:02pm

He is a total free loader, get rid of him....and quick, you are being taken for a total fool !!

Segotias · 23-03-2019 1:04pm

littlesista wrote: »

I'll be 90 by the time I've weeded all the bad ones out

I'll probably be the same but at least I'd be doing it with a bit of self respect!! Don't let yourself be treated this way. What would you say to a friend in the same situation??

As soon as an argument is turned on you and becomes all your fault..alarm bells!!!

Recliner · 23-03-2019 1:22pm

Firstly, you're not living alone and he's not living with his parents - he's living with you. Rent free, no bills, no responsibilities financially, happy days for him.
Secondly, he's in no position to be issuing ultimatums. From what I've read he's bringing nothing of value to this relationship, so what does he think you'd be missing out on?
Thirdly, has he been living rent free at his parents all this time? I'm assuming he has a job.
Fourthly, do you know what I can't stand in a person? Meanness, can't abide it. Especially over something as small as a takeaway.

You're not an idiot but he is a freeloader.
If you don't place a high enough value on yourself and what you deserve in a relationship, then this is what you'll get. You've obviously worked hard to have a home of your own, don't let this waster dictate anything to you. If he's not willing to discuss things in a rational grown up way, then tell him to sling his hook.
Honest to God, he must have a serious over inflated opinion of himself.

Galwayguy35 · 23-03-2019 9:14pm

He's a leech, dump him.

Daisy78 · 24-03-2019 2:02pm

Have you asked him specifically why he can’t pay for some of the smaller things, like takeaways? That’s hardly going to break the bank and would go some way towards making a gesture. It’s not good for his own self respect/esteem for his girlfriend to be paying for everything,most men would feel better in themselves by making some contribution to the financial side of things. Also why does he think you should be grateful for showing up 6 nights a week?! You are in a relationship!!

Neyite · 24-03-2019 11:34pm

You can do far better than this. Someone who is stingy and lets others pay their way for them is usually often selfish and thoughtless in lots of other ways as well.

Over on mumsnet they'd call a fella like this a cocklodger. Because that's about all you get for his free lodgings. And I'd be willing to bet that he's not all that in that department either.

The way that he managed to twist it around that you break up but he magnanimously gives you another chance and put you on probation is so arrogant and a massive red flag. At this point you are supposed to be falling over yourself flinging money around on him and that's when he knows that he's got a malleable woman to control and manipulate.

I would have him dumped if it was me.

This is it · 24-03-2019 11:44pm

Something I've learned in recent years, never settle. If it's as bad as your OP makes out, I'd be well out the door. Stuff his probation.

JustAThought · 24-03-2019 11:59pm

+1 to all the he's a freeloader & dump him thoughts here. No person should be treated like that or taken advanrage and their goodwill and generosity abused and exploited like that.

I would also add to be extremely careful about him coming over and sraying 6 nights a week - as well as wondering if he has a key or access when you are not there to let him in. If so;I would get a locksmith out and quietly arrange to have the barrel of the lock changed - it'll cost less than e100 . Allow him access by invite only for starters. That will not only put a big red flag up for.his freeloading but also protecr you and you asset.

My neighbour who inherited her family home came home one day to find her bf of 3 years in bed with some woman - in Her bed, in her house that he had never paid a penny into. She threw him out and broke up with him there and then but he took her to court and claimed that he was her common law husband as they had been together for over 2 years and that was his habitual residence. Because he had done some diy to the house (put down lino in the kitchen and hung a few shelves) and could prove it she LOST the case he took against her (never engaged, no talk of marriage ever).She had to sell her home and give him half. He just f@@ked off.

You are on your way there . And no - you don't want him paying reny and yhen claiming to be evucted and squattung in your house foc for 2 years while you try and evict him.

Un tge worst case whatever about being stuck with a money sucking miser and manipulative man and cheapskate you could actually lose your house to him. He really dosnt sound worth keeping or bothering to inflict change on - tbh it sound like hes utterly using you and not a shred of remorse or conscience, decency or kindness in him . I'd change the locks,ration his access to you for dates and secerly curtail if not cut out his overnighting and having him home. If there something more than sex to.your relationship it needs to reveal itself and if its romantic nights or dates then let him pay for a few overnights or weekends away. If not he is just a leech and user and setting himself up for a ride on your expense account. There is bumble, meetup.com, intreo and online dating. You sound smart and independent and lovely - why settle for a selfish miser and user - his first wife threw him out - perhaps the reasons are revealing themselves.

Personally I''d change the locks; stop texting him or taking his calls and dump him. In answer to.yhe basic - there is no way any of this is acceptable.

Dial Hard · 25-03-2019 1:49pm

JustAThought wrote: »

My neighbour who inherited her family home came home one day to find her bf of 3 years in bed with some woman - in Her bed, in her house that he had never paid a penny into. She threw him out and broke up with him there and then but he took her to court and claimed that he was her common law husband as they had been together for over 2 years and that was his habitual residence. Because he had done some diy to the house (put down lino in the kitchen and hung a few shelves) and could prove it she LOST the case he took against her (never engaged, no talk of marriage ever).She had to sell her home and give him half. He just f@@ked off.

Just in case the OP reads this and has a heart attack, that must have happened years ago or in another jurisdiction because there's no such thing as a common law spouse in Ireland and property rights in unmarried couples are governed by the Cohabitation Act of 2010. Rights don't kick in until after 5 years of living together (2 if the couple has children together) and even after they do there's no automatic entitlement to 50% of anything, the court will make an order (or none) based on

-The financial circumstances, needs and obligations of each cohabitant
-The rights of others (including the rights of spouses, former spouses, civil partners, former civil partners and dependent children of either partner)
-The duration and nature of the relationship
-The contribution made by each, financial and otherwise

None of which is to say that your boyfriend isn't a freeloading sponge you should rid yourself of immediately, though.

chuckles30 · 25-03-2019 4:26pm

As someone said to me recently 'it's better to be on the shelf than locked in the wrong cupboard'. Don't settle for this bs just so you're not single - you have to be happy too!

25-03-2019 7:43pm

Oh god, it's awful to put up with being treated like that. It'll just be a relief when he's gone, OP. Not only are you financing him, you're walking on eggshells in case YOU do something wrong!

Be your own best friend and hand him his freedom!

SirChenjin · 25-03-2019 10:32pm

Neyite wrote: »

You can do far better than this. Someone who is stingy and lets others pay their way for them is usually often selfish and thoughtless in lots of other ways as well.

Over on mumsnet they'd call a fella like this a cocklodger. Because that's about all you get for his free lodgings. And I'd be willing to bet that he's not all that in that department either.

I would have him dumped if it was me.

Cocklodger was exactly what I thought when I read the OP - I learned that word/ phrase on Mumsnet too. It's very apt.

Yes, he is a freeloader.
No, you are NOT an idiot.
(Just to answer your specfic questions, OP).

Get rid asap. You won't regret it.

pwurple · 26-03-2019 7:46am

With a previous child he is also likely to be a serial cocklodger. Good news is, you are obviously a very capable woman with her own means, well able to support herself. Kind and generous to boot.

Make sure you have your contraception under control, and replace this fellow.

Whats acceptable

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