What's the etiquette here??

I put together a lovely arrabbiata sauce last night for some ravioli. Used authentic Italian spices and all.

Went down a treat, had a nice “kick” to it but nothing over powering. Not sure what the deal was with the spices but the chilli seeds must have gotten through the cooking, and eating, process unscathed as my hole was on absolute fire after this morning’s “constitutional”.

It’s been incredibly itchy and uncomfortable since. Really put the ire on it. Not sure what the best course of “action” is. I’m a little worried that there’s a seed, or two, still stuck in the pipe.

Too far to see about sending a shot of milk up there? Like a mini, milky, enema. I’ve heard people do it with coffee. But that’s, really, not what you want to be doing on Christmas Eve. Like Rudolph in reverse.

Was a really nice meal, though. Just a shame it came with such an irritation.

Hmmm…. The auld balloon trick could be your man there Eee.

Lad I knew used to suffer from that so he devised a system if the cackpipe got irritated.

Get a long balloon and fill her with water to the circumference of around a two euro coin…into the freezer and when nice and hard take her out and inspect the results.

When confident of the size coat the balloon in say LiteFry or a spray of Rapeseed oil.

Get the missus to lodge her up the funnel and leave for about 30 mins.

Worked a treat the lad assured me.

Numbed the unit for at least an hour.

Still waiting for all the christmas over indulgence stories and the resulting consequences.....

Ah lads you'd be all over the place.

Stomach doesn't know if it's coming or going. Turkey sambos with crisps, tins of roses for breakfast. Spicy chicken wings at lunch. Celebrations and butler's chocolate at dinner time. Cans of IPA's and baileys coffee's every night. Doritos and peanuts mixed together as snacks.

Wife is threatening divorce proceedings with the smell in the house. I can't take much more of this.

Its the brussel sprouts that get me....i dont touch them for 51 weeks in the year....then i spend a whole week eating them....my gut must be wondering what the fùck im at as i have to leave the house to fart..... the wife says im upsetting the children........cant blame the dog either as there is a distinctive sprout flavour to the niff....

Its like my digestive system is saying "fùck off i am not breaking this shìt down"....

Im sorry Mr. Parsnipp but no amount of scented wicks, candles, deoderizers etc can quench the stench emanating from my innards after a fistful of week-old leftover sprouts...

Those fragrances just kind of amalgamate together with the sprout niff to make a scented smell of shìt that gives the wife a fierce headache....

Its a doors and windows left open for 30minutes operation - to cleanse the air properly.......

eh, what?

how on earth does that work?

Ileostomy. Had colitis, got colon removed end to end. Never been so physically fit in my life as since recovering from that, but full recovery from such major surgery takes a while and one keeps improving in fitness for years after. It’s something nobody should put off having done if the question comes up.

Just blew out a very rank ‘housekeepers cut’ in the slow closer.

The bang wasn’t long seeping through the gaff and expecting visitors.

Had to put the frikken bog off limits and limit use to the under stairs unit.

Not a great start to the year.

Last summer, I was working in a great, well paid job within a small, local practice with the owner (who was never there) and 2 very attractive, very intelligent women..........it was a client facing job so there was no working from home available....

All was going great until I quickly realised a big big problem within the first week....there was only 1 shared toilet....

Now, I have always enjoyed a good relaxing dump around about the 3pm mark after a big lunch (it also has the added benefit of taking a good 15 minutes out of the day aswell)......

......unfortunately in this new job scenario, there was simply no comfort in it for me anymore......Maybe I wasn't "Man enough" but I was afraid of offending the senses of my female colleagues and just became too self-conscious about the niff and skidmark bowl stains from my post lunch offerings.....

To put it in a more succinct way.....it just became too risky to shìt at work..........some days I could have a 'winner' with no wipe and zero smell....other days I could be hacking away at my hole endlessly with bogroll trying to get it clean while gagging from the toxic stench.....

To overcome this, I forced-shat before work, I even tried lighter lunches to enable me to get through those long afternoons without the need for a shìt........when i did venture to the toilet, it was only for a very unsatisfying 30 second pìss......

It was all so unsustainable.....I lasted 7 weeks and handed in my notice....

I am now in a job on less money with less prestige but at least I am working from home, where I can now shìt in peace and comfort.....

Life is all about getting your priorities right......

If you owe the bank a thousand euro, it's your problem. If you owe the bank a million euro, it's their problem.

Similarly, if a place of work only provides one shared toilet facility, which does not take into account the varying arse produce of a dozen different constitutions, it is very much their problem.

Your right to shyte is immutable, in whatever way and in whatever quantity you need. Never let them take that away from you.

Just leave the door half open and discharge a ripe load like a butcher emptying a bucket of offal into an empty bin.

Should sort it out, I would expect.

Anyone else wince there?

Lots of heavily spiced meats and a good lashing of the 17 different apples infused liquid this weekend.

I've a big red baboon ar$e now though giving me payback for overindulgence..