GF wants an engagement

Yellow pack crisps · 14-10-2019 8:40am

Caryatnid wrote: »

Apparently she does every few days but he won't give her a straight answer.

Being put under pressure to propose is different than asking for a hand in marriage.

kg703 · 14-10-2019 11:27am

No one should be pressured into it. He’s made a commitment by buying a house and if he wanted to surprise her with a proposal no one is going to feel like doing it when you are being moaned at. Myself and my husband got engaged after nine years.

If she’s really pressuring just go ok fine we are engaged, happy? Leave it at that. No big fuss about it. She’ll reget not being patient!

In all seriousness just tell her you don’t appreciate it being brought up all the time. If you are planning a life together, communication and honesty are important!

Pauliedragon · 14-10-2019 11:34am

Batgurl wrote: »

To be honest, you sound like you could be one of those “I will yea” guys who are asked to do something while playing the PlayStation and then hours later you check and they haven’t moved an inch and haven’t done what they said they’d do.

I find that some men have no concept of time or time management. As someone else said, Ye are in yer early 30’s. (Assume 32) Getting engaged now means it could be at least 1-2 years before getting married (so 34 by the time getting married). Kids don’t always happen when you want them to so ye could be trying another couple of years before getting pregnant (assume 36). It then takes 9 months to grow a baby so she could be 37 before you have your first baby.

I hope ye don’t plan on having any more than 1 because realistically ye are gonna want to wait a year before trying for a second (38) and then it could take another year or 2 before getting lucky again (40).

Regardless of the statistical chances of conceiving at 40, do you understand the toll and risk to a woman’s body carrying a baby at that age? It’s no wonder she’s keen to get your arse in gear.

(Appreciate some people will tell me how mad I am and that my numbers are extreme, but I’m basing it on a bad case scenario and yes this happened to someone I know).

You don't have to be married to have kids.

14-10-2019 11:56am

Pauliedragon wrote: »

You don't have to be married to have kids.

I think everyone reading this knows the biological process for creating life.

dmm82 · 14-10-2019 12:06pm

Is being pressured into it really the right way to start a marriage? I am female and think that the way some women act is crazy. There is no way I would want a ring on my finger if I knew the only reason I had it was because I nagged for it. Likewise I would hate to be pressured into marrying my boyfriend, recipe for disaster in my opinion.
Fair enough if kids are planned then it might make sense but surely buying a house together is a huge commitment too. Marriage isn't the be all and end all, it's not 1950.

14-10-2019 12:12pm

dmm82 wrote: »

Is being pressured into it really the right way to start a marriage? I am female and think that the way some women act is crazy. There is no way I would want a ring on my finger if I knew the only reason I had it was because I nagged for it. Likewise I would hate to be pressured into marrying my boyfriend, recipe for disaster in my opinion.
Fair enough if kids are planned then it might make sense but surely buying a house together is a huge commitment too. Marriage isn't the be all and end all, it's not 1950.

The key here is when did the "nagging" begin. Was it ONLY after the house was bought. If that's the case I'd have sympathy with the OP. If he doesn't want to get married or doesn't want to for several years then just be open with his GF. It's up to her then to decide to 'stick or twist'.

TheBoyConor · 14-10-2019 12:22pm

Sounds like one of those women with a "vision" as I would call it of how her life should be. Some dose.
Mark my words, as soon as she has the engagement ring on her finger, the next thing is she will be badgering you about a wedding date. No sooner will ye be married and she'll be banging on about baby time.

She sounds like a demanding pain in the hole and a lot of work.

If it were me I'd dump her and kick her out of the house, offer to buy her out. Yeah you'll be labelled as the bad guy among her family and friends but at the end of the day you'll have a difficult life with someone as demanding as that.

woodchuck · 14-10-2019 12:22pm

OP have you discussed having children and would she prefer to be married before trying? If so, I can totally see where she's coming from. Time isn't on her side and it takes about a year to plan most weddings.

I think you both need to have an open conversation about your expectations for the future and the timelines surrounding that.

You can still do the "surprise" proposal (e.g. picking the time and place), but it sounds like it's important to her that it's forthcoming. So a serious conversation about expectations on both sides is needed. Finances will obviously come into it too if you're spending a lot of money renovating the new place.

ontheditch2 · 14-10-2019 12:23pm

paddy739 wrote: »

Been with my GF the last 4 years, we live together share bills, and a home. we are very good together and feel the same way about each other but lately shes been on a one woman crusade for me to propose to her, we are both in our early 30's and just bought our 1st home together and are slowly in the process of renovation.

But there isn't a day or two days go by where there isn't a talk about a engagement, I've explained that i feel the same way about you that you feel about me. But its constant, non stop. I feel like going and getting the ring just to pacify her and then on the other hand i feel like im questioning the whole relationship at the way shes acting like a spoilt child.

In every other way we get on great but over the last month or so its really been dragging me down, i want a future with this girl and want a life with her but i don't want to be made to engage her because she moaned and complained about it until i did.

I know some people want it and that's grand but surely not this way, aside from everything else when i eventually do it i want it to be a surprise.

Any advice most welcome, cheers!

Had a similar situation myself.
Were in the process of buying a house and she was very eager to get engaged. I was too but maybe it was from watching too many romcoms that I felt the engagement had to be some bit romantic, as opposed to just agreeing to get engaged in bed one night.
I won't say she badgered me but once or twice she was dissatisfied that were hadn't yet got engaged and let me know.
I just wanted it to be some bit romantic and a surprise for her when it happened.
Eventually, got down on a knee and proposed.

Since them, life has never been better. She just wanted reassurance that I was committed to her and starting a family together etc.
If you are committed to her and happy to get engaged then do it on your terms. And tell her you want to do it on your terms. Deciding when to propose is the only decision you have complete control over in your relationship for the rest of your life. Do it on your terms but maybe give her some reassurance that it will be happening soon.

14-10-2019 12:26pm

Don't think the OP has posted since last Friday Night. I think we can assume we've put more thought into his potential marriage than he has

14-10-2019 12:55pm

Pauliedragon wrote: »

You don't have to be married to have kids.

True, but for many reasons it is far better if you are.

I don’t see how people get as committed as buying a house without getting married to me it’s the first step on that road and it’s foolish not to be married for many reasons when planning to spend your life together.

14-10-2019 1:45pm

Kyson Delightful Hobo wrote: »

True, but for many reasons it is far better if you are.

I don’t see how people get as committed as buying a house without getting married to me it’s the first step on that road and it’s foolish not to be married for many reasons when planning to spend your life together.

you have bought how many houses/paid for how many weddings?

the reason why youd do one as a priority becomes fairly clear fairly quick

14-10-2019 2:08pm

Deleted User wrote: »

you have bought how many houses/paid for how many weddings?

the reason why youd do one as a priority becomes fairly clear fairly quick

Paid for one wedding and within 6 months had got an architect to begin plans for building a house which we hope to get started early next year less than a year and a half after the wedding.

Vast majority of if the cost of wedding + honeymoon was covered by gifts so cost very little to our pocket and had no impact on funds for house purchase/building.

eviltwin · 14-10-2019 3:33pm

Kyson Delightful Hobo wrote: »

Paid for one wedding and within 6 months had got an architect to begin plans for building a house which we hope to get started early next year less than a year and a half after the wedding.

Vast majority of if the cost of wedding + honeymoon was covered by gifts so cost very little to our pocket and had no impact on funds for house purchase/building.

Not everyone is as fortunate as you. For many couples putting down roots and having a stable home is more important than a wedding. It doesn't mean the wedding won't happen, its about priorities.

SozBbz · 14-10-2019 5:15pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Not everyone is as fortunate as you. For many couples putting down roots and having a stable home is more important than a wedding. It doesn't mean the wedding won't happen, its about priorities.

True, but weddings are not the same as marriage.

If you just want to get married, legally it costs €300 or something.

For me, its the marriage thats important. The security, the commitment, legally being considered a family, being each others next of kin.

OP, if this is about being a princess for a day, then sure, maybe she's being bratty.

However if its about all of the very valid reasons I've listed above, then why are you holding out? Why would you have bought a house with this woman if you don't intend on having a long term future with her? Do you know that if one of you died, the other would have to pay inheritance taxation the share of the house (via mortgage protection probably) as legally you're strangers? Do you think thats how you want the law to judge your relationship, or do you want to legally make this woman family?

It annoys me that woman are expected to wait for a "surprise" in this area, instead of being able to have a conversation and ask for an appropriate legal commitment, as thats what marriage actually is. Women are often the main breadwinner and yet are still expected to wait around for a man to agree to marry them.

pwurple · 15-10-2019 4:37pm

paddy739 wrote: »

I've explained that i feel the same way about you that you feel about me. But its constant, non stop.

You're clearly a romantic.

To cut to the chase, marriage isn't really about feels, you're talking about love there... ideally overlapping, but not the same thing at all. You're not answering her question by talking about your feelings.

Marriage is about practical legal decisions.

- Who do you want to be your next of kin if you're in an accident?
- If your girlfriend had an accident, do you want to me the one consenting to treatment, or do you want the doctors to call her mum.
- Do you want children?
- Do you want to be the legal guardian of her children
- If one of you dies, who inherits the house... the dead person's parents.. or the other person in this relationship?
etc etc etc

That's what marriage is. It's a legal pack, a contract between two people about inheritance, next of kin, guardianship rights.

And to be honest, like everyone else has pointed out, in your 30's, you're no spring chicken. Best baby-making time is in your 20's, your girlfriend is already in the medically geriatric category for a pregnancy. So if you wanted a family in your future, she's right, get a move on. Birth defects, pregnancy problems, infertility, all the risks of problems problems only increase from here.

cj maxx · 15-10-2019 5:16pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Don't think the OP has posted since last Friday Night. I think we can assume we've put more thought into his potential marriage than he has

Or he's taken one posters suggestion and cleared !

Hector Savage · 17-10-2019 10:27am

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

If she is that keen then why doesn’t she propose to you?

Exactly, next year is a leap year too !!

Thelonious Monk · 17-10-2019 11:47am

Do you actually want to get married, or are you just doing it so she'll stop wrecking your head? Because from what I've seen and experienced that's why a lot of men get married. If you don't want all that wedding mullarkey, don't do it.

zapper55 · 17-10-2019 12:30pm

And if you dont want it you need to tell her and not avoid it.

rainbowtrout · 17-10-2019 12:37pm

Hector Savage wrote: »

Exactly, next year is a leap year too !!

If he won’t discuss marriage with her not much point in her proposing

GF wants an engagement

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