I don't know what to call this....

LegacyUser · 09-10-2019 12:59pm #1

Going unreg for this. This is kind of tricky. I don't know what to call it really and I don't think there's much can be done, but I'll try.

When I was a kid a relative did some very bad things to me. I honest to god have tried to type the correct terminology but I just can't.

I never told anyone at the time. The usual reasons, I thought no one would believe me. I didn't want to f*ck up the family. I didn't want him harmed, I couldn't believe they were things he meant to do. I really really wanted it to stop, but I couldn't do anything. So one day, as a kid, I came to the decision that I'll just bury it and pretend like it's not happening. I kind of watched other kids and people and how they behaved I just became a happy jolly person on the outside and no one would think twice it was a cover story.

It seemed like such a great idea at the time and this sounds so weird, but it's like I became a split person. It's like the isolated little girl is still with me and never got out of her situation, like there's a part of my head trapped back there.

As the years have passed I've had what I call 'flare ups', ie times where it's come back at me full force. At this stage I know they're flare ups and all I have to do is hold on and find the hook to get me out of it and I'll manage it. All of this is going on whilst the happy clappy exterior is in full swing, I don't behave like a raving loon or anything.

As the flare ups happen a different aspect of the situation comes at me. Through them, I've kind of made sense of it all. It wasn't my fault. Despite his outward appearance to others of being a gentleman and pillar of the family and community, I've accepted he was a total and utter c*nt. I've been able to separate out of what's come back at me any element I need to accept for now and then I find a hook get me out and bury it back down again. Until the next flare up, I'll be absolutely fine.

So why the post in PI. Sometimes a flare up, such as the one I'm going through now will be a hard one and it will bubble over and spill out and I end up talking to people about it. Usually it's my husband, but in the last 4 years I've told 3 new people. I'm resolute that it's really too late to tell my family now, if I was going to say anything it should have been back then, when everyone could have had their say. So it's like I'm backstabbing them because I'm saying something mean about their family member too, but I'm not doing it on purpose to hurt them, it's not like I enjoy talking about it, my head is just fit to explode and I have to get it out. Add to that, the image of the separated little girl is killing me. Like she's saying, 'WTF, I went through all this to protect people and you're just blurting it out to all and sundry like a wimp.' So talking about it really isn't helping me, because not only does the flare up make me feel sh*t, but this guilt about talking about it mounts up on me too.

I went to a counsellor about 15 years ago now. But I felt awful divulging something so private and so personal as she watched the clock and I handed over money at the end. So I only went to one session. I can't spend an hour dragging it up just to bottle it back in and head out the door as if nothing happened, it would be exactly like being a kid again.

Fundamentally, I'm worried whether my tongue getting looser will end with me betraying myself eventually? It would kill me if my family found out, but they will if I keep blurting it out! Why am I telling people? What am I after? I can't take comfort in them if they're sympathetic, it's not me and it's not what I'm after. Why haven't the flare ups stopped? It all happened such a long time ago. When will they stop? Is this it for the rest of my life?

Is it the image of the little girl the crux of it? If it is, how do I get rid of her? Or even, should I get rid of her? She's been my backbone almost my whole life now. When I think of her, I know I can handle anything. Equally she brings me detriment too, because I feel so bad for her, I almost use it as an excuse to drink too much or to eat too much. Is there anyway a counsellor or someone could help that would avoid me from tearing my whole world apart? Or is that just a generic solution that doesn't apply here? Do I just continue as I am?

Is it me talking when i talk about it, or is it her finally wanting her say? What do I do?

It's like a vicious circle. In the end, I can't afford to have any feels about it, because the feels make you talk. I want to leave it behind for good. But does that mean accepting it bringing the feels and a sh*tstorm for me? It's not as if i'm still in an awful situation, nothing could be further from the truth I have a really great life now. I'm happy.

This is the hardest thing I've ever typed in my life. If I hit 'submit' I will be amazed with myself. I've gone back and tried to reduce the above so much, but in case this is the only chance I get to finally get out what's in my head I've left it this long. Sorry. But if anyone can help, that would be great

Idle Passerby · 09-10-2019 2:18pm

I think it needs to come out. Bottling it up is not good for you and I'm glad you can speak to your husband. Divulging this information you've suppressed your whole life doesn't have to come out as a massive revelation to your whole family if that's not what your comfortable with. Maybe writing it down would help. You say you take some new piece of insight every time you have a flare up, maybe it would be useful to keep a log. You might never read it back or show it to anyone else but it might be healthy to get it off your chest so to speak.

shesty · 09-10-2019 3:40pm

OP your mind is pushing this out front.It needs to deal with it.Compartmentalizing and pushing itndowm won't stop it and quite frankly, ome day it will spill out.One day, when life gets too much, when you are exhausted or over stressed or whatever....the worms will all come spilling out of the can and go everywhere.

You sound like you are hiding this from guilt.You are not the guilty party and you need help.
He is still there in your life, in your head, this way.Get him out.You really do need to talk to somebody, this stuff is not normal and does real damage to a person.Please talk to someone.You don't walk out of a session pretending that nothing has happened, that is just your learned coping strategy.You need to get help to learn new coping strategies and be able to move on with your life.It will probably be ugly and messy for a while but please talk to someone.

LegacyUser · 09-10-2019 4:37pm

Idle Passerby Actually I like the idea of a log. That's a really good way of doing it. And each time a new revelation so to speak comes to mind I can take a note of it and build it up. I like that. Thank you.

Shesty, no its not out of guilt of what happened, I did nothing wrong. I know that. It's way more complicated than that. I can never and would never tell my family. Its not an option.

Ive lied. I lied everyday to cover it up. That other fecker played a blinder, he was so nice to me in front of other people. I know now, though it was only through it flaring up a few years ago, that he was doing it to cover his ar$e. So if I did say anything, he could be outraged and shocked, after all he did for me etc. He was a real family man in everyone's eyes and still is. Someone the other week referenced him and how nice he was and sang the song that he used to sing at parties.

I actually mistakenly quoted him myself the other day, and it was a bloody good quote, where the response was ah he must have been a lovely man!

There are no breadcrumbs here. It would be a bolt from the blue and things like this totally wreck families. I don't want this running any deeper into my life than it already has. I couldn't in all honesty rip a cherished memory of someone who is dead, from someone who loved them.

Nevermind the thought that, if I tell them, they'll ask what happened and I can't put those words together and say them. I couldn't even type them in the opening post. I've blocked most of it out anyhow, it's like a messed up jigsaw and I really don't want to put it back together and remember the whole picture!

If its possible to get a new strategy, that doesn't involve anyone else becoming part of this, I think I'd be ready to try that

lastusername · 09-10-2019 5:18pm

Hi OP,

You called your post 'I don't know what to call this' for a reason, and it's an interesting one

You're having certain thoughts and feelings, and you don't know what to call them...and that's not surprising as we are taught to come up with names and labels for our thoughts and feelings. We are taught to label them, figure them out, analyse and diagnose them, control them, solve them, cope with them and manage them.

However, as you can see just looking out at our society, this doesn't work out so great for us! Our brains will do all of the above stuff all the time, but this doesn't mean all this stuff is US, or says anything about us. It's just our psychology churning stuff over, nothing more than that.

It's not us and not about us, and our thinking is not ours as such. We are experiencing it for sure, but we don't need to attach to it and make it us, or about us. It's flowing through us and flares up and shifts and calms all by itself, continuously.

You say you find a way to 'get out of it', and you feel good again. Now, this really happens when your thinking and processing of it falls away all by itself.

Your thoughts change and it falls away by itself. This is the same as when we are in one mood at one stage in the day, and find ourselves in a completely different mood later that evening, without really doing anything and without our external circumstances changing.

Seeing that this is really true will diminish your flare ups even further. You are happy and whole just as you are, and nobody else can damage this.

Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't pursue this necessarily, as you were obviously wronged. If this is what your inner wisdom tells you to do when you are feeling quiet and calm, then maybe that's the route you'll feel called to take.

And this is also not about saying your experience doesn't matter- quite the opposite! It's really about seeing what's going on when it comes to the flare ups which come and go, and about your overall psychology, which is universal and not personal to you, or anything you really need to do anything about.

LegacyUser · 09-10-2019 5:36pm

OP, you are so articulate, have such an amazing insight into your situation and are asking all the right questions, it's highly likely you would greatly benefit from undergoing some therapy by a properly trained specialist. Please call the Rape Crisis Centre on 1800 77 88 88 and find out how you could go about doing this. It's best if you call during normal working hours, because you will get through to someone who works for the RCC full time, who will be able to explain things and initiate the process for you. The counseling line is open 24/7, so when the next flare up happens and you want to spill it all out, please know that there will be someone compassionate at the end of the line willing to listen and explore your options with you.

I would also recommend for you to look into a process called "Inner Bonding" - it's a therapeutic process that teaches you to connect to, communicate with and look after your inner child. You have an instinctive, natural understanding of the inner child concept already, so this self-administered therapy could be powerfully healing for you. I used it years ago and it absolutely saved my life. I didn't follow the process to a T as some elements just didn't work for me, so just know that you can skip parts of the process and still reap great benefits (you don't have to pay a penny for it, everything you need to know about it can be found free of charge online).

As you can see, I've made some assumptions here and based my advice on them. If my assumptions are incorrect, please accept my apology and disregard what I have written.

LegacyUser · 09-10-2019 6:01pm

Hey Lastusername

That post is pure brilliance! You've flicked a light switch in my head. So when the flare ups happen, it's not necessarily it coming back at me?

Maybe I've just got into a cycle with the reminders, that I thought I was incremental in fixing it the last time and so when it happened again, I thought it required my thinking to dwell on it, and fix it. But that actually it wasn't happened/fixed it at all.

Even more importantly, if it does flare up again, I don't have to look at why. It will pass?

I feel a bit of a gobsh*te now

But thank you very much for posting!

LegacyUser · 09-10-2019 8:01pm

Sorry, Headmelt and Headwreck are both me, I keep forgetting what I've called myself.

Maytenth, thank you for your kind words and no, your assumptions aren't incorrect. I like the thought of online resources that I can look at myself in my own time. I'll take a look at your idea. Thanks again.

Most of all, i just wanted to say thank you to all of you for taking the time to read such a long opening post and for your advices. I really am very grateful x

shesty · 10-10-2019 8:35am

I didn't really mean tell your family though OP, I meant see can you find another counsellor, for yourself, to get it out of your system.Whether you tell family or not then is really up to you. (Although you could be surprised to find that you might not have been the only one this happened to).
However if you think you can find another way to cope yourself that will work for you, the important thing is that you're happy.

lastusername · 10-10-2019 10:05am

Headwreck101 wrote: »

Hey Lastusername

That post is pure brilliance! You've flicked a light switch in my head. So when the flare ups happen, it's not necessarily it coming back at me?

Maybe I've just got into a cycle with the reminders, that I thought I was incremental in fixing it the last time and so when it happened again, I thought it required my thinking to dwell on it, and fix it. But that actually it wasn't happened/fixed it at all.

Even more importantly, if it does flare up again, I don't have to look at why. It will pass?

I feel a bit of a gobsh*te now But thank you very much for posting!

Yep, you've absolutely nailed it! I'm so glad to hear this

It will pass yes, just like waves crashing on the beach or turbulence on an airplane. Just like every other thought we may see passing through, and regardless of whether we label them good, bad or indifferent.

A little-known secret is that thoughts are neutral, they are just thoughts. It's just that in our very human way, we load them with meaning, make them about us and feel we have to do something with them, cope with them, manage them, etc.

But when we SEE that they are just thoughts, that changes everything - as you are seeing

We don't need to fear our experience. We are ok, always.

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LegacyUser · 10-10-2019 1:42pm

That is a total game changer last username. I read the first page of the link and it all sounds so useful. I'm going look properly into it now.

Thanks so much for your help!

Jimmy Bottlehead · 11-10-2019 2:03pm

OP, this sounds like your psyche or inner self is screaming to be heard. That little girl is screaming to be heard.

You have my utmost sympathy for what you've experienced in the past. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
But much like you can only ignore an infection inside a wound for so long before it causes serious damage, you have reached the point where you know you need to confront this wound and experience.

I know that your previous experience with a therapist wasn't positive, but it may have been be wrong person or the wrong time. Try again. Their job is to help you navigate hurts such as these. Exchanging money for that is no different than paying a medical doctor for their assistance and expertise.

I would urge you to listen to that little girl, because denying her (and the very clear split in personality you're experiencing) can have more serious implications down the road.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser · 12-10-2019 8:33am

Jimmy Bottle head, thank you for you post. Thank you for taking the time to read the thread too x

I do hear what you're saying and I understand.

I've looked into this detaching emotion from memory that last username suggested and it makes sense. The only thing that is affecting me is the emotion that comes with the memory. And like last username said, it's already passed. I didn't even look at the link properly (and it's gone from their post now), and it's already passed. These passed few weeks have been really hard. But it's passed now. Before I would have said that it's because I looked at it and I did something. But I didn't do anything this time and this approach is actually an approach that has been looked into since the 50s apparently.

I won't know how well I've accepted it until the next flare up and if its not working, I will talk to my GP and see if I can get a proper recommendation, rather than picking someone out of a phone book

. I hope it works though and I can avoid ever having to talk about it again.

But from Sunday/Monday where I felt like there was a fire inside me, I feel all calm and sane again

I can never thank all of you who have read and posted here enough, for taking the time to do so. I hope it doesn't sound too lick ar$ey, but I really do appreciate it more than you know x

I don't know what to call this....

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