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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭ Alonso Mushy Dancer


    Two bowling teams, one all blondes, one all bruneettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

    The brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level.

    The brunette team, down below, is having a great time until one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, and she decides to investigate.

    When the brunette reaches the top, she finds the blonde team staring straight ahead at the road, frozen in fear, clutching the seats in frount of them with white knuckles.

    Whats going on up here? asks the brunette. We're having a great time downstairs.

    Yeah, screams a terrified blonde, but you've got a driver.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭ Alonso Mushy Dancer


    As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

    Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.

    Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

    Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
    As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

    Excuse me, General, she asks quietly, but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?

    The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭ Alonso Mushy Dancer


    Jesus walks into a hotel, throws three nails down on the front desk and asks,
    Can you put me up for the night?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭ Alonso Mushy Dancer


    Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.

    God greets them and asks, When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

    The first cop says,I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force.

    The second police officer says,I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty.

    The last cop replies,I would like to hear them say Look, He's Moving!


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,562 ✭✭✭patmac


    ^ TL;DR :P

    Your loss best joke on here.


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  • Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 11,712 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    Saw a sign in a pet store:

    Live birds, going cheap.
    Dead bird, not going cheep.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭ Alonso Mushy Dancer


    A young punk gets on the bus.
    He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange.

    His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags.
    His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes.

    His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

    He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.

    Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, What are you looking at you old fart didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?

    The old man replies,Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot.

    I thought maybe you were my son.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭ Alonso Mushy Dancer


    A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

    He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying,

    I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.

    Please keep your photo and return the others.


  • Registered Users Posts: 49,731 ✭✭✭✭coolhull


    Jesus walks into a Jewish synagogue, raises his arms and shouts, "I am Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God."
    The Rabbi stops the service, turns to his servers, and calmly says, "Fetch me a couple of four-by-two planks, a few 3-inch nails and a hammer We've had trouble with this bollix before."


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    I was playing chess with a friend recently.

    He said "let's make things interesting."

    So we stopped playing chess.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭ Alonso Mushy Dancer


    I took my seven year old son to the zoo today.

    We were walking around and my son said, Look dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!

    I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.

    What did you just call it? I asked.

    My son replied it's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture! he said, and i said no son it's, an African Elephant.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭ Alonso Mushy Dancer


    A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.

    The nun agreed...

    A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?

    The nun replied, He went that way.
    After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said,

    I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria.
    The nun said, I understand completely.
    The soldier added, I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!

    The nun replied, If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls….

    I don't want to go to Syria either.


  • Registered Users Posts: 14,280 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    Who cut one? ;)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,837 ✭✭✭Edward M


    Who cut one? ;)

    Not I, but the old saying comes to mind, a fox is always first to smell his own!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,995 ✭✭✭Ipso


    What kind of car does Tarzan drive?
    A Mazda 323


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭ Alonso Mushy Dancer


    This contractor guy dies in a tragic accident on his 40th birthday.

    He ends up heaven where he's greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band and Saint Peter.

    Saint Peter shakes the guys hand and says congratulations!

    The contractor is a little confused and says congratulations for what?

    Congratulations for what!? says Saint Peter.

    We're celebrating the fact you lived to the grand old age of 160.

    The contractor says, But that's not right. I only lived to be 40.

    That’s impossible, says Saint Peter. We added up your time sheets!


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,535 ✭✭✭Mehaffey1


    Was in good form on the farm today and this is the best I could come up with, criticism welcome.

    Met this lovely middle aged lady Susan in church last week and got talking. Whilst the conversation was moving along I noticed she was extremely tired and worn out. I expressed my concern and asked if she was alright. She went on to explain that she and her husband Steve were extremely successful tent designers but recently she was having difficulty dealing with the constant erections...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,837 ✭✭✭Edward M


    Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for €100.
    The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
    The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son,
    but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
    Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
    The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
    Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
    The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
    Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
    The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
    Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody
    he's dead.'
    A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked,
    ' What happened with that dead donkey?'
    Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at €2 each
    and made a profit of €898'
    The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
    Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his €2 back.' Paddy now works for the Bank of Ireland


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,615 ✭✭✭TheBody


    Did you hear that vandals stole the 'F' from the Funfair sign. It's just unfair.


  • Registered Users Posts: 14,280 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    Then they went by the local town hall and took away the RRE from current events.

    The town council have been pleasantly surprised by the involvement of the men of the town, formerly it was mostly the ladies showing up.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,462 ✭✭✭Bob Harris


    I was at the petrol station earlier when I noticed two guards standing and watching a man at the pumps and shaking their heads.

    I looked back and saw the idiot was smoking while he was filling his car.

    When I realised what he was doing I thought, what a moron, right in front of the law too.

    So, I paid and as I was getting in my car I heard someone screaming.

    I looked over to see the man's arm was on fire! He was waving his arm around and running in circles going crazy.

    I got out of my car just as the guards managed to get him on the ground, put handcuffs on him and threw him in the back of the paddy wagon. I figured he was an idiot but I thought arresting him was a bit extreme.

    So I went over and asked them what they were arresting him for.

    The guard looked me dead in the eye and said .....
    "Waving a firearm!"


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭ Alonso Mushy Dancer


    A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.

    The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father daddy, what are they doing?

    The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says they're just making a puppy.

    OK says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.

    The next day, the son bursts into his parents room and sees them having sex.

    The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.

    Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.

    His son asks daddy, what were you and mommy doing?

    Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says me and mommy were making a baby.

    His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies flip mommy over,

    I want a puppy.


  • Posts: 0 Ameer Great Pail


    There once was a girl who wasn't feeling very pretty so she went to a genie to make her pretty.
    The genie told her that to make her feel pretty, he would make it so that every time someone apologized to her her boobs would increase by one size.

    So the girl is walking down the street and someone bumps into her and says,
    "Oh, I'm sorry," and the woman's boobs went up one size.

    Then someone accidentally stepped on her foot and said,
    "I'm sorry," and her boobs got one size bigger.

    Then she's walking down the street and a man from India bumps into her and says,
    "Oh my god! A thousand apologies!"


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭ Alonso Mushy Dancer


    After a heavy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the road, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddles through her kitchen window.

    The older of the two, five year old Paddy, grabbed his younger brotherJoe, by the back of his head and shoved his face into one of the potholes filled with rain water.

    As the Joe recovered and stood crying and dripping wet the mother ran towards them in a panic.

    Why on earth did you do that to your little brother? as she shook Paddy's shoulder in anger.

    Aye Paddy says we were just playing church mammy and I was jus baptising him,

    In the name of the father, the son, and in the hole he goes.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,538 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    A dyslexic terrorist has stormed the Zoo making random demands. He has taken six ostriches...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭ Alonso Mushy Dancer


    You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

    Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.

    You are so ugly if they laid you on the beach, not even the tide would take you out.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭ Alonso Mushy Dancer


    Your so ugly when you were born your mom said Oh what a treasure and your dad said Yeah let"s bury it.

    Two windmills are standing in a field. One asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?
    The other one says, I’m a big metal fan.


  • Registered Users Posts: 20,171 ✭✭✭✭jimgoose


    Mate of mine has had a chronic fear of giants since he was a kid. Only lately did he get a proper diagnosis of Feefiephobia.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,544 ✭✭✭ Alonso Mushy Dancer


    Here are a few Christmas jokes for the season that's in it.


    What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?

    A Christmas Quacker.


    Who delivers Christmas presents to dogs?

    Santa Paws.


    How much did Santa Claus pay for his sleigh?

    Nothing, it was on the house.


    Where does Santa Claus keep his money?

    In a snow bank.


    What nationality is Santa Claus?

    North Polish


    Why is Santa so jolly?

    Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.


    Where does Santa stay when he goes on holiday?

    At a ho-ho-ho-tel.


    Who delivers Christmas presents to cats?

    Santa Claws.


    Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?

    Because it soots him.


    What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

    Claus-trophobic.


    Why does Santa Claus have three gardens?

    So he can ho-ho-ho.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 12,564 ✭✭✭✭whiskeyman


    A dyslexic terrorist has stormed the Zoo making random demands. He has taken six ostriches...

    Apparently he's demanding huge romans!


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