Acting differently around your partner...

11-01-2019 1:57pm

Also, tough crowd here today!

Gimme A Pound · 11-01-2019 1:58pm

Porklife wrote: »

Why are you bringing up my other thread.. you seem very caught up with the fact that I had anal sex! I'm not going over this again, I had slight trepidation about it which is natural but I made the decision to do it. You keep saying I din't want to do it but you're wrong, I would never engage in a sexual act I didn't want to do. I also wasn't doing it for his approval, I was doing it for his pleasure and for mine too. I'm not seeking approval from anybody. You really seem to have it in for me and I've no idea why.

I'm also not putting on an act in front of this guy. I'm myself around him just toned down a notch. What's wrong with that?

You find it disturbing that I had anal sex? I find THAT disturbing to be honest. I'm a stranger on an internet forum, my sexual life should not distress you.

You also implied that I act girly and vacuous... you really are way off the grid with that.

God almighty the dishonesty here at times. Did I say I find it disturbing that you had anal sex? Yeah of course I didn't. I said it was disturbing that you went ahead and did it when you *did* say at the start of that thread that you didn't want to. And that you were afraid he'd lose respect for you - for doing something he wants. That's crazy old fashioned.

But I gave you the benefit of the doubt - until this thread where you are changing the goalposts now but you did say initially that you feel compelled to put on an act because he'll like an innocent little girlie. So that adds another dimension of disturbing to the other thread now. Do you know the full meaning of demure? Because it's not good.

11-01-2019 1:59pm

Porklife wrote: »

Why are you bringing up my other thread.. you seem very caught up with the fact that I had anal sex! I'm not going over this again, I had slight trepidation about it which is natural but I made the decision to do it. You keep saying I din't want to do it but you're wrong, I would never engage in a sexual act I didn't want to do. I also wasn't doing it for his approval, I was doing it for his pleasure and for mine too. I'm not seeking approval from anybody. You really seem to have it in for me and I've no idea why.

I'm also not putting on an act in front of this guy. I'm myself around him just toned down a notch. What's wrong with that?

You find it disturbing that I had anal sex? I find THAT disturbing to be honest. I'm a stranger on an internet forum, my sexual life should not distress you.

You also implied that I act girly and vacuous... you really are way off the grid with that.

Don’t let some anons wind you up.
If everyone had no inhibitions and didn’t hold back with some people/situations, then we would see more psychopaths everyday.

After hours is just the place for said psychopaths to be themselves.

Bigbagofcans · 11-01-2019 2:02pm

Muckka wrote: »

We all know what happened to usher, turned out he loves to share the love....

Wasn't he involved in some controversy over a sharing his tokens of love with some poor misfortune....

I hadn't heard. Although I haven't heard much about him since the noughties!

Gimme A Pound · 11-01-2019 2:05pm

Bam Bam Mickey wrote: »

Don’t let some anons wind you up.
If everyone had no inhibitions and didn’t hold back with some people/situations, then we would see more psychopaths everyday.

After hours is just the place for said psychopaths to be themselves.

Everyone modifies their behaviour to some extent in various situations - of course, that has been established so the insults are pointless.

Feeling obliged to put on an act with the person you're supposed to be closest to though - that's obviously not healthy.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 11-01-2019 2:05pm

Porklife wrote: »

Christ, next you'll be telling me to join a club, leave my partner and get counselling!

Zing!

There are certain conversations I'd have with other people rather than him, not so much because I worry what he'd think of me but because I know he worries and I don't want to dump stuff on him, it's not serious stuff at all.

But I mean at this point farting is basically competitive. I get a bit miffed if I do a good one and get no acknowledgment from him...

And youngwan seriously, don't be having anal sex if you don't want to! Don't be gauging "am I being myself? Is this behaviour ok?" solely by how it relates to whether or not it'll make men want to ride you. We all try and be our best selves for our romantic partners but it honestly sounds like you've taken it to an exhausting level. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH TO BE LOVED FOR YOU. Anyone for whom you feel compelled to act the direct opposite of what you feel is your unfiltered self is no good for you. And give the guy a chance, I'm sure his dick won't shrivel up and fall off if you make a dirty joke.

Gimme A Pound · 11-01-2019 2:14pm

I know Porklife is gonna think I'm awful harsh but not as harsh as she is being on herself. Yeah counselling would be a good idea when your self worth isn't great.

BrokenArrows · 11-01-2019 2:16pm

seamus wrote: »

topper's hit the nail on the head here; there is always a context. There's always a filter of some sort.

I wouldn't talk to my parents the way I talk to my wife. I wouldn't talk to my friends the way I talk to my wife. I wouldn't talk to my wife the way I talk to my girlfriend.

Part of the beauty of evolving as social animals is that we unconsciously learn to tailor our approach to each person in order to maximise congeniality.

If you think about someone who's described as having "no filter" or who "says it like it is", you find that people treat them differently. Not necessarily in a good or bad way, but they tend to find it much more difficult to carry on a conversation with them. And people also find them exhausting to be around.

If everyone was like this, the world would be a much harsher place where it's more difficult to form relationships because you would find far fewer people with whom you could properly "gel". It wouldn't be some utopia of honesty where everyone was joyful and truly themselves.

Fixed that for you.

jester77 · 11-01-2019 2:17pm

Def different here. Never gotten a boner when my mates are around.

seamusk84 · 11-01-2019 2:18pm

Married 9 years. I am my most uncensored self around my wife and her with me.

It comes with time.

Naos · 11-01-2019 2:18pm

....... wrote: »

Never understood it.

I am who I am no matter who Im with.

So you would speak the same way in front of an elderly lady as you would while having a pint with your mates?

Ariadne · 11-01-2019 2:23pm

Bigbagofcans wrote: »

We can blame Usher for his lyrics from 'Yeah' - "want a lady in the streets but a freak in the bed"

I think there are plenty of men who want this. I'm just a freak everywhere and unwilling to change that

Deebles McBeebles · 11-01-2019 2:23pm

Brycen Black Refrigeration wrote: »

I know Porklife is gonna think I'm awful harsh but not as harsh as she is being on herself. Yeah counselling would be a good idea when your self worth isn't great.

You are being harsh, she started a thread on AH and now is being told to get counselling for her low self worth by someone who doesn't know her. I mean, c'mon.

ChikiChiki · 11-01-2019 2:23pm

Cee-Jay-Cee wrote: »

If my wife (of 11 years) heard me and my mates on a night out she'd probably divorce me.

Always funny when your on an agreed lads night out and one brings their gf along. The whole conversation and course of the night changes dramatically.

joe40 · 11-01-2019 2:26pm

I totally agree with the OP we all have different versions of ourselves depending on the situation we are in. Nobody ever reveals their true selves. Maybe the truth is that your "true self" for want of a better word can also vary day to day and definitely over time.

On a slightly different note and apologies if this comes across as trying to pry but it seems the op has a really open, friendly relationship with her male friend. Is that possible without sexual attraction eventually getting in the way, for either gender.

Are you sure your friend doesn't have feelings for you that go beyond friendship but doesn't want to risk the friendship by making this known. Obviously the friendship important to you both.

I know it is an age old question, but I would be interested in the OP's perspective.

By the way it is great to see people maintain close friendships even when in relationship. Jealousy and trust from the partner can get in the way. You're in a fortunate position

Tell me how · 11-01-2019 2:27pm

Cee-Jay-Cee wrote: »

If my wife (of 11 years) heard me and my mates on a night out she'd probably divorce me.

Yeah, a colleague actually told me that his wife had no idea of who he really was/is.

Makes you wonder about the whole soul mate thing.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5 · 11-01-2019 2:29pm

Tell me how wrote: »

Yeah, a colleague actually told me that his wife had no idea of who he really was/is.

Makes you wonder about the whole soul mate thing.

Sure he's probably telling her she's the only person who knows him.

Ariadne · 11-01-2019 2:34pm

Tell me how wrote: »

Yeah, a colleague actually told me that his wife had no idea of who he really was/is.

Makes you wonder about the whole soul mate thing.

I really don't know how people do that. Actually I wish I could do it a bit more, I'm an open book, heart on my sleeve. I can hide who I am with colleagues or acquaintances but close friends or my partner? I couldn't even if I tried, I'm transparent.

Bigbagofcans · 11-01-2019 2:38pm

jester77 wrote: »

Def different here. Never gotten a boner when my mates are around.

Apart from that time you and da lads played soggy biscuit.

Tell me how · 11-01-2019 2:40pm

Succubus_ wrote: »

I really don't know how people do that. Actually I wish I could do it a bit more, I'm an open book, heart on my sleeve. I can hide who I am with colleagues or acquaintances but close friends or my partner? I couldn't even if I tried, I'm transparent.

I could understand someone having a persona in public but I would expect that their partner would be the one getting the real version.

I did think that maybe that was still the case and he was only playing the fool a bit in what he said. He gave some examples of times he had to change his behaviour from what he wanted to do because he said he couldn't do it in front of her.

Still, he's married, I'm not, what do I know.

HalloweenJack · 11-01-2019 2:42pm

I'm definitely more myself with my partner and get more reserved as I'm with people who I'm less close to.

11-01-2019 2:43pm

Tell me how wrote: »

I could understand someone having a persona in public but I would expect that their partner would be the one getting the real version.

I did think that maybe that was still the case and he was only playing the fool a bit in what he said. He gave some examples of times he had to change his behaviour from what he wanted to do because he said he couldn't do it in front of her.

Still, he's married, I'm not, what do I know.

Sometimes in order to form and keep a connection one person will hide pieces of themselves or take on aspects of the others personality. The motivation underlying it is usually fear of the connection being broken, in other words loss.

Gimme A Pound · 11-01-2019 2:45pm

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

You are being harsh, she started a thread on AH and now is being told to get counselling for her low self worth by someone who doesn't know her. I mean, c'mon.

That's in response to her saying "what next - i should go for counselling?"

Gimme A Pound · 11-01-2019 2:46pm

HalloweenJack wrote: »

I'm definitely more myself with my partner and get more reserved as I'm with people who I'm less close to.

In other words, normality.

11-01-2019 2:47pm

Brycen Black Refrigeration wrote: »

In other words, normality.

Not necessarily because we are all different.

Ariadne · 11-01-2019 2:48pm

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Sometimes in order to form and keep a connection one person will hide pieces of themselves or take on aspects of the others personality. The motivation underlying it is usually fear of the connection being broken, in other words loss.

That makes more sense to me. At the start of relationships I tend to give things a try that I know I probably won't like for the sake of the other person if I know they like it and I'll hide certain aspects of myself if I think they wouldn't like that part of me. I think everyone probably does this to a certain extent.

Pyr0 · 11-01-2019 2:48pm

Tell me how wrote: »

Yeah, a colleague actually told me that his wife had no idea of who he really was/is.

Makes you wonder about the whole soul mate thing.

That to me sounds kind of sinister or something? Like he's hiding away who he really is because she wouldn't like or tolerate him or would even hate him knowing.

11-01-2019 2:52pm

Succubus_ wrote: »

That makes more sense to me. At the start of relationships I tend to give things a try that I know I probably won't like for the sake of the other person if I know they like it and I'll hide certain aspects of myself if I think they wouldn't like that part of me. I think everyone probably does this to a certain extent.

I think the trouble arises if we are constantly putting our own beliefs to one side, compromising whats important to us, because we are terrified of what it would mean in the relationship. The fear of being left and the desire to have a meaningful connection can be all consuming.

Porklife · 11-01-2019 2:53pm

Deebles McBeebles wrote: »

You are being harsh, she started a thread on AH and now is being told to get counselling for her low self worth by someone who doesn't know her. I mean, c'mon.

Exactly... and thank you so much

I have self worth and am extremely confident. I'm being accused of acting for my bf because I don't think I'm good enough which is nonsense! I'm myself around him just a little less boisterous and I edit stories if needs be about my past that he probably wouldnt wanna hear the details of. That's it.. no big deal but to be on the safe side maybe I should go to therapy, read self help books and do a daily mantra in front of the mirror while fighting back the tears of low self worth... I AM WORTHY OF LOVE... I AM WORTHY OF LOVE.
Oh and thats sarcasm Gimme a Pound in case you didn't realise

Alf Veedersane · 11-01-2019 2:53pm

topper75 wrote: »

I work off the assumption that nobody is their unfiltered selves, ever. There is always a context so there is always a role to be played.
As the context changes so do you. That is on a day-to-day scale and very perceptible over the years and decades. 'True self' - no such thing, an imagining.

Absolutely. It's like on a sound desk/mixing console. If all the buttons are at 100%, then you're being '100% you'.

But that never happens.

Some elements are dialled up/down depending on the situation. That's not being false - it's just normal.

Acting differently around your partner...

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