Marriage: is it worth it?

completedit · 13-01-2021 11:13pm

The romantic in me says yes, the realist says no. It's everything terrible about relationships(loss of freedom, nagging, uncertainty) without any of the good stuff(b utterflies, getting to know someone on a deep level)

pgj2015 · 13-01-2021 11:13pm

Potential-Monke wrote: »

I'd be in a similar boat here. I'm 37 and have had 2 x 7 year relationships since I was 16ish. Both were great until we moved in together and slowly things started going downhill (imo). First one ended up shifting another lad, and while I tried to make it work after that, the trust was gone so we ended it less than a year later. Second one I ended because she wanted kids and I didn't.

But in both those situations, I thought I really knew these women before we moved in together. It's when you're living together that the truth comes out. Not saying I'm an angel, but I don't think I did anything wrong, other than be myself. As someone else said, add in kids, a mortgage, probably a pet... things get messy easily.

My parents are married 50 years this March. 50. I can't even fathom liking someone that long, let alone loving them! But, my mother will say that if it was modern Ireland, she wouldn't have lasted 50 years. She can think of 3 very specific times when she was close to ending the relationship, and only stayed because of the stigma (one of those times I was brought on a "holiday" with her, little did I know at the time that was the closest she was to leaving. Should have sussed something was up when there was no definite "go home" day, but she bought me Point Blank and the G-Con for the PS1 before leaving so I didn't care). But that was their time, marriage was a necessity to "get along" in older Ireland.

Nowadays, marriage is a great concept, but the law needs to be dramatically changed so people can get the exact same benefits (ie: tax, etc) as a married couple without actually getting married. I believe steps have been made on that regard, but I'm not 100% on it.

Most people I know who are married are not exactly happy, but most are not sad either. They all realise they're caught in this limbo, and if anything goes wrong they know it's going to be hell to deal with. My best friend is married over 10 years (in a relationship 18) and has 2 kids. When they got married, neither wanted kids. Then she got broody, he said ok just to keep her happy and believed her when she said it would be great. After the second kid he got the snip, and I'm forever hearing about all the negatives, the drop in sex, the constant arguing, the lack of time for oneself, the fact that 80% of the money he works hard for is gone before he can go near it, and lives on a few hundred a month for himself.

Maybe I'm just lucky to be surrounded by people who not only agree with my way of life (single, couldn't be arsed trying, tis great really), but actively encourage me to keep it. Even my parents are coming round to my way of thinking, having being involved in all the issues with my siblings and their partners (one of which is "happily" divorced).

But again, the law is lacking in every regard when it comes to marriage. It needs to be updated asap to reflect modern living and not the catholic controlled version that's still in play here. Marriage was a necessity once, but no more.

Being single is the way to go if it suits you. not answerable to anyone. some people cant live like that though, they are too needy.

pgj2015 · 13-01-2021 11:19pm

[/QUOTE]

Put that on your Tinder blurb.

:pac: And if we go for dinner, its you who is paying, have you got that?;)

Potential-Monke · 13-01-2021 11:23pm

pgj2015 wrote: »

Being single is the way to go if it suits you. not answerable to anyone. some people cant live like that though, they are too needy.

I agree. It took me a while to realise it myself, and plenty of depressed nights alone. Took a complete change in outlook and life to come to the realisation that it's better (for now anyway).

Ludikrus · 13-01-2021 11:33pm

Loneliness is a killer.

FintanMcluskey · 13-01-2021 11:36pm

Ludikrus wrote: »

Loneliness is a killer.

Ironically, marriage is as much a cause as a cure of loneliness

13-01-2021 11:41pm

Thing about boards is that its very hard to know much about the people throwing out their advice

I mean, if i wanted advice on being happily married id ask someone who knew how to go about that

I wouldnt be asking yknow some of the lads here who lets be honest are not going to be troubled by a long term relationship any time soon, sorry lads no offence and tell us again what ye read about women.

pgj2015 · 13-01-2021 11:46pm

Ludikrus wrote: »

Loneliness is a killer.

not as much of a killer as living in a flat while your ex wife has the mansion that you once lived in. or still in the mansion with your wife but sleeping in different rooms, hating each other and fighting 24/7 in front of your kids.

Faze11 · 13-01-2021 11:56pm

If you are going to get married just make sure it is for the right reasons and to the right person, not just the next logical step in your life.

14-01-2021 12:02am

FintanMcluskey wrote: »

Ironically, marriage is as much a cause as a cure of loneliness

Unfortunately relationships don't necessarily help with loneliness and can cause it. There's nothing quote like that feeling when you are supposed to be sharing your life with another but yet you might as well be alone.

mcsean2163 · 14-01-2021 12:04am

Great craic here, not!

Get out there and live your life, who knows, it might be good, you might enjoy it!

completedit · 14-01-2021 12:12am

pgj2015 wrote: »

not as much of a killer as living in a flat while your ex wife has the mansion that you once lived in. or still in the mansion with your wife but sleeping in different rooms, hating each other and fighting 24/7 in front of your kids.

Were you married to Anna Nicole Smith?

pgj2015 · 14-01-2021 12:23am

completedit wrote: »

Were you married to Anna Nicole Smith?

Yes, she wouldnt even oil my wheelchair wheels.:(

Antares35 · 14-01-2021 12:25am

Agree with all that Potential-Monke. My parents are happy together (albeit my mother definitely got the better deal), but they've both admitted that a big push for getting married was that their home lives with their parents were so shít, that marriage was also an escape for them. My mother quit work as soon as the kids came along and never went back. Dad had to shoulder all the financial burdens while she was a woman of leisure. I think it's desperately unfair and you can see now that he's aged so much more than her. But, he didn't see anything wrong with it at the time. I could imagine my fiance's reaction if I told him I was giving up work and expected him to support me!

Strumms · 14-01-2021 12:29am

Ludikrus wrote: »

Loneliness is a killer.

I’d rather be alone and happy , no commitment or worries and arguments than jump into a dodgy marriage for the sake of it.

14-01-2021 12:31am

It can be a challenge for us as adults to have and maintain healthy relationships if we have no model for what that looks like. Its a challenge though that can be overcome.

EmmetSpiceland · 14-01-2021 12:35am

Anyone else keep hearing Peter Cook’s priest character from ‘The Princess Bride’ when they see this thread title?

14-01-2021 12:37am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Anyone else keep hearing Peter Cook’s priest character from ‘The Princess Bride’ when they see this thread title?

I do now!

Potential-Monke · 14-01-2021 12:48am

Deleted User wrote: »

It can be a challenge for us as adults to have and maintain healthy relationships if we have no model for what that looks like. Its a challenge though that can be overcome.

Thing is, the model of yesteryear doesn't apply to modern times. There can be no models to look up to when the world is changing as quick as it is these times. Someone mentioned that the divorce rate in Ireland is very low, and I agree with the person who rebutted saying that's because divorce was never really an option up to a decade or two ago, not in Ireland anyway. The option was there, but it was too complicated and society shunned it, so many people continue on with their lives unhappily.

Like the poster above, my ideal relationship would be living separately and having your own life, but at times you share, events, weddings, etc. People do not give themselves enough me time, and when they do get it they don't know what to do and feel depressed and lonely. I also realise what i'm looking for will be the golden goose, especially if they also match up to my very high standards, so I'm also happy to keep on going the way I am. Do I miss sex? Yes. Do I miss it enough to jump into a relationship and get married at some point? Hells no. Nothing wrong with a ****.

StevenToast · 14-01-2021 12:49am

Marriage is only worth it if you meet the right person...

I was happily single and would have stayed that way until I met a gem of a woman...

She just ticked all the right boxes...and I hope I ticked a few for her aswell!!

Now...on the flip side of that...I have 2 sisters in law that are stuck in bad marriages and would be long gone if it wasnt for the fact that they are actually married!

So OP......to answer your question...is it worth it?......sometimes!!!

Church on Tuesday · 14-01-2021 1:03am

Well you have to be OK with being by yourself. I love living by myself in my own place but I also loved sharing a place with a woman who I adored. There's no point in being in relationships/marriages just for the sake of it; it's not fair on you nor your partner.

Do I think marriages can work? yes. I think the biggest problem is people rush into marriage because it's the done thing too quickly without ever really knowing their partner or worse still, are just settling, again, just because.

I've never been married, no idea if I ever will. What I do know is that I'd rather marry the right one and not the wrong one, basically unless I feel in my gut 100% that this person is someone I can depend on and go to war with that is adult life (because there WILL be challenges) then I simply won't bother. I'm quite happy to wait however long whilst enjoying life for that person. It's a long life.

Much like relationships you have and really want to put the effort in, you have to keep things fresh and exciting; if you are just going to get stuck in a rut and start taking your partner for granted (both genders), don't be all of a sudden surprised if the relationship/marriage starts going south, a relationship is only as strong as the foundations upon which it is built.

Potential-Monke · 14-01-2021 1:05am

If the law was changed tomorrow to give co-habiting couples of x years the same rights as married couples, would people still get married? That's the bigger question I reckon.

Church on Tuesday · 14-01-2021 1:12am

Potential-Monke wrote: »

If the law was changed tomorrow to give co-habiting couples of x years the same rights as married couples, would people still get married? That's the bigger question I reckon.

But a lot of people want to get married as an expression of their love, not just for legal benefits either.

kildare lad · 14-01-2021 1:13am

Seen to many marriage break ups and it works out worse for men . Seen it in my own family with the mother left the house even though the kids didn't live with her anymore . The uncle had to buy a house that ended up in ****e during the recession . The amount of men that have to go renting rooms or living back with their parents after the split is enough to put me off even getting married . I suppose if you fine the right partner it's worth it. If you love someone , a ring shouldn't make any difference

14-01-2021 1:28am

Potential-Monke wrote: »

Thing is, the model of yesteryear doesn't apply to modern times. There can be no models to look up to when the world is changing as quick as it is these times. Someone mentioned that the divorce rate in Ireland is very low, and I agree with the person who rebutted saying that's because divorce was never really an option up to a decade or two ago, not in Ireland anyway. The option was there, but it was too complicated and society shunned it, so many people continue on with their lives unhappily.

Like the poster above, my ideal relationship would be living separately and having your own life, but at times you share, events, weddings, etc. People do not give themselves enough me time, and when they do get it they don't know what to do and feel depressed and lonely. I also realise what i'm looking for will be the golden goose, especially if they also match up to my very high standards, so I'm also happy to keep on going the way I am. Do I miss sex? Yes. Do I miss it enough to jump into a relationship and get married at some point? Hells no. Nothing wrong with a ****.

Growing up in a home where there is no obvious love displayed between both parents will I believe have a negative impact on the adult child. An example would be a 60yr old woman who grew up in a home filled with stiff upper lips and dominance.

If she raises her head above the parapet she is quickly shot down and must always be the 'good girl". Decades later she is coming to terms with those early experiences and tackling the root cause of numerology failed relationships.

Yes times were different but humans were still human and the capacity to cause both pain and joy were still present. The power of our family of origin must never be under estimated when it comes to how we manage interpersonal dynamics.

Canis Lupus · 14-01-2021 1:40am

Potential-Monke wrote: »

If the law was changed tomorrow to give co-habiting couples of x years the same rights as married couples, would people still get married? That's the bigger question I reckon.

Does Ireland have defacto relationships? Here in QLD once you've been living together for x number of years (you can officially register it as well which we did for visa reasons) you get almost all the same rights as if you were married.

Seems the easiest way to go.

Girl in work has been planning a massive wedding back home in Ireland although she's living permanently in Aus now and intends to stay for life. They rent and I'm like.... Would you not put the thousands and thousands you're spending on your show off wedding back in the local parish into a house here instead.

Church on Tuesday · 14-01-2021 1:51am

kildare lad wrote: »

Seen to many marriage break ups and it works out worse for men . Seen it in my own family with the mother left the house even though the kids didn't live with her anymore . The uncle had to buy a house that ended up in ****e during the recession . The amount of men that have to go renting rooms or living back with their parents after the split is enough to put me off even getting married . I suppose if you fine the right partner it's worth it. If you live someone a ring shouldn't make any difference

I made a fairly glib comment a few pages back about why this is why you get a pre nup (which seemingly is useless here anyways) but on reflection and honestly having seen some of my friends/relatives in happy marriages for a good few years now it's too much of a generalisation to make.

I think, in an ideal world, there should be some kind of practical legal agreement in place with both parties to make sure if things do go wrong, for whatever reason, that both parties should come out of the divorce fairly secure. No man should be left destitute as a result of a failed marriage. It's simply not morally right.

But again, as I mentioned above, it boils down to how sure you are of the person you will be married to in the first place.

Strumms · 14-01-2021 2:04am

kildare lad wrote: »

Seen to many marriage break ups and it works out worse for men . Seen it in my own family with the mother left the house even though the kids didn't live with her anymore . The uncle had to buy a house that ended up in ****e during the recession . The amount of men that have to go renting rooms or living back with their parents after the split is enough to put me off even getting married . I suppose if you fine the right partner it's worth it. If you live someone a ring shouldn't make any difference

If I own a house. I get married, she wants to move in, I want her to, it’s staying as my house...it’s her home, our home but in the event of things going arse over armpit... still my property.

If i have 30 grand in savings from before we were married, it’s up to me to decide how that is spent...

If I want to throw a big chunk of that in a joint account to get us started, my call, but some remaining in my personal account my decision . Same for her, have her stash.... I’m not gonna be making a grab for it...

My mother always had that view in marriage, you never sacrifice your financial independence or leave yourself without what you worked hard to amass.

14-01-2021 2:04am

A lot of the downsides seem to have people confused between marrying and impregnating the wrong woman

Now, imo, either is fairly careless

But theres nary a judge in ireland who is going to approve a severely punitive settlement against a childless man and his erstwhile adoréd

But what do ye want? Sprogs is expensive and sprogs with two single parents isnt any cheaper

Put a cap on it or be careful where ye shoot it boys, ye'll be sound

But tisnt marriage that is out to get ye either way

jelem · 14-01-2021 2:24am

you ask the question so you not in solid mind.
Do Not

Fact humans change and many not as flexable as they claim.
the ultimate catch 22 = marriage

Marriage: is it worth it?

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