Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Hi all,
Vanilla are planning an update to the site on April 24th (next Wednesday). It is a major PHP8 update which is expected to boost performance across the site. The site will be down from 7pm and it is expected to take about an hour to complete. We appreciate your patience during the update.
Thanks all.

One-Liner Jokes

1…137138140142143…190

Comments

  • #4172
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users Posts: 1,451 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    Ever wondered what do rocket scientists say when one of them doesn't understand something at work?


  • #4173
    el_gaucho
    Registered Users Posts: 562 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    Uncle Pierre wrote: »
    Ever wondered what do rocket scientists say when one of them doesn't understand something at work?

    It’s not brain surgery?

    I always wonder what the guy who invented the drawing board would’ve gone back to if he got it wrong.


  • #4174
    ShatterAlan
    Registered Users Posts: 2,807 ✭✭✭ShatterAlan


    John_Rambo wrote: »
    Billy Holiday.


    And if his son was in Gibraltar you could call him


    Kid Rock :p


  • #4175
    saabsaab
    Registered Users Posts: 7,734 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Reminds me of the Harry Enfield sketch..


  • #4176
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I said to the wife, "If you could do one thing to my body, what would it be?"

    She said, " Have me Identify it."

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Advertisement
  • #4177
    Bandana boy
    Registered Users Posts: 4,325 ✭✭✭Bandana boy


    el_gaucho wrote: »
    It’s not brain surgery?

    I always wonder what the guy who invented the drawing board would’ve gone back to if he got it wrong.



  • #4178
    Gloomtastic!
    Registered Users Posts: 8,304 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    Why don’t owls go dating when it’s raining?

    It’s too wet to woo! :)

    (Courtesy of Marty on LyricFM)


  • #4179
    ForestFire
    Registered Users Posts: 2,233 ✭✭✭ForestFire


    el_gaucho wrote: »
    It’s not brain surgery?

    I always wonder what the guy who invented the drawing board would’ve gone back to if he got it wrong.

    Back to Basics?


  • #4180
    Uncle Pierre
    Registered Users Posts: 1,451 ✭✭✭Uncle Pierre


    Bandana boy wrote: »

    Brilliant. Genuinely hadn't seen that before.


  • #4181
    MOR316
    Registered Users Posts: 2,205 ✭✭✭MOR316


    Gloomtastic! wrote: »
    Why don’t owls go dating when it’s raining?

    It’s too wet to woo! :)

    (Courtesy of Marty on LyricFM)

    Here's me thinking the wetter you are, the easier it would be to woo


  • Advertisement
  • #4182
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Autopsy club party tonight! Open Mike night!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4183
    saabsaab
    Registered Users Posts: 7,734 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Autopsy club party tonight! Open Mike night!


    I'm sure there are lots of people dying to go.


  • #4184
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,234 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Autopsy club party tonight! Open Mike night!

    The first rule of autopsy club is none of them can talk about autopsy club.


  • #4185
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,660 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Victor wrote: »
    The first rule of autopsy club is none of them can talk about autopsy club.
    Don't dissect the joke.


  • #4186
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Upon seeing my new tattoo, my angered spouse retaliated by getting a breast reduction; it was tit for tat.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4187
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Played scrabble with the wife yesterday, it's the only way i can get a word in.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4188
    MOR316
    Registered Users Posts: 2,205 ✭✭✭MOR316


    Not a one liner joke per say but, didn't know where else to put it...Read the entire thread

    https://twitter.com/MangoDassle/status/1330621397039783936


  • #4189
    stoneill
    Registered Users Posts: 3,610 ✭✭✭stoneill


    I asked a few people to explain LBGTQ, but no one could give me a straight answer.


  • #4190
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4191
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users Posts: 4,118 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I only ever managed to reverse park successfully once, which was on my driving test, and I haven’t looked back since.


  • Advertisement
  • #4192
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Decked the halls today, other halls better watch out

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4193
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 7,992 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    MOR316 wrote: »
    Not a one liner joke per say but, didn't know where else to put it...Read the entire thread

    https://twitter.com/MangoDassle/status/1330621397039783936

    One of the best nicknames I ever heard was a local Cork gaa team. Two brothers were playing and the older one was nicknamed Chilli. The reason was that the brothers name was Con and their surname was Carnet.... Chilli Con Carney.

    Another one was the corner back was nicknamed Shergar. Thought it was to do with speed or pedigree... Nope, simply was when needed he was never to be found.


  • #4194
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 7,992 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    After 14 failed job interviews, I'm beginning to think that my lucky tracksuit isn't so lucky.


  • #4195
    StevenToast
    Registered Users Posts: 3,350 ✭✭✭StevenToast


    Ryan Tubridy deserves his €500,000 a year salary.

    "Don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining." - Fletcher



  • #4196
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The bug-eyed boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Dad, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4197
    Biafranlivemat
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 386 ✭✭Biafranlivemat


    Not a one liner joke per say but, didn't know where else to put it.

    He hasn't stated publicly, what his opinion is, on Poland.

    https://notthebee.com/article/a-guy-named-adolf-hitler-won-an-election-in-nambia-seriously


  • #4198
    saabsaab
    Registered Users Posts: 7,734 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Biafranlivemat wrote: »
    Not a one liner joke per say but, didn't know where else to put it.

    He hasn't stated publicly, what his opinion is, on Poland.

    https://notthebee.com/article/a-guy-named-adolf-hitler-won-an-election-in-nambia-seriously


    He's back! and this time he's Black!


  • #4199
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Do gun manuals have a trouble shooting section?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #4200
    Worztron
    Registered Users Posts: 8,664 ✭✭✭Worztron


    535311.jpg

    Mitch Hedberg: "Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."



  • Advertisement
  • #4201
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    When you tickle a man to death by accident, it is manslaughter.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



Advertisement