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Unemployed boyfriend is losing the will - how do I help?

  • 13-05-2009 9:09am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi!
    Basically my boyfriend and I live together - he is 28 and has been out of work since November. We are together 7 years and i love him to bits.
    Since he lost his job I have been trying to help, get him out and about doing stuff, paying for gigs, dinners, cinema, helping him apply for jobs etc. But he just does nothing but sit at the tv/computer all day.

    He only really goes out to collect his dole and doesn't seem to be applying for any jobs.
    Anytime i mention the subject he goes off on a stroppy rant. And to be petty - the house is a state because no housework or anything is getting done.

    Tbh I am losing respect for him because I know other guys out there are unemployed and are doing everything they can to find another job/ keep themselves occupied. How can that form of existence be enough to satisfy anyone???????


Comments

  • #2
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Unregistered wrote: »
    Hi!
    How can that form of existence be enough to satisfy anyone???????

    erm.. he's obviously not satisfied at all now is he? He's probably feeling totally emasculated and unable to make his own way in the world..

    i don't know how you could talk to him so he wouldn't get into a strop, something about the way he senses your approach makes him feel a tool i'd say but it's a bit childish and he needs to get off his hole.. is there some other way you could approach him.. does he have any mates you could get to talk to him who wouldn't tell that it came from you..


  • #3
    coadyj
    Closed Accounts Posts: 238 ✭✭coadyj


    Unregistered wrote: »
    Hi!
    Basically my boyfriend and I live together - he is 28 and has been out of work since November. We are together 7 years and i love him to bits.
    Since he lost his job I have been trying to help, get him out and about doing stuff, paying for gigs, dinners, cinema, helping him apply for jobs etc. But he just does nothing but sit at the tv/computer all day.

    He only really goes out to collect his dole and doesn't seem to be applying for any jobs.
    Anytime i mention the subject he goes off on a stroppy rant. And to be petty - the house is a state because no housework or anything is getting done.

    Tbh I am losing respect for him because I know other guys out there are unemployed and are doing everything they can to find another job/ keep themselves occupied. How can that form of existence be enough to satisfy anyone???????

    Ive been in similar circumstances as in the lack of job aspect. I would feel mortified if my GF told me she was losing respect for me. Just stop having sex with him unless he does something everyday, and by something I mean anything, get out of the house for a few hours, apply for a job, clean the house etc

    Tell him you don't want to sleep with someone you don't respect, don't treat him to dinners and gigs etcetera, you need to show him that while he isn't working, you're in charge.


  • #4
    pookie82
    Registered Users Posts: 2,217 ✭✭✭pookie82


    coadyj wrote: »
    Just stop having sex with him unless he does something everyday, and by something I mean anything, get out of the house for a few hours, apply for a job, clean the house etc

    Tell him you don't want to sleep with someone you don't respect.

    Jesus, that sounds like the worst idea ever. i don't think that driving home your growing lack of respect is going to help someone who clearly is waning in self respect in the first place.

    OP, I know what it's like to lose your job, and it didn't even happen to me when times were as harsh as they are now. It's incredibly demoralising to have to wake up every morning with nothing to do but tell people on the internet all day how badly you want to work for them and how great you'll be, and hearing nothing back. It's very easy to give in to the despair and lose all motivation to find anything, and then it becomes a vicious circle.

    You sound like you've been great with helping him apply for jobs and making sure he doesn't lack social interaction for want of money, and I'm sure deep down he's really grateful. But there's a real sense of shame in losing a job for a lot of people, whether it's their fault or not, and a sense of helplessness in times like these when they can't just go back out there and pick up another as was possible when times were good. I would imagine that it's even worse for a guy's sense of pride (don't mean to be too sexist - I'm a girl) but I do think the whole breadwinner aspect of life is still ingrained in men more so than women.

    My advice would maybe be to try and get someone else subtely involved - is he close to his parents or does he have any close friends who could help you to motivate him? If the prodding keeps coming from you and only you, it may feel like you're nagging, even though you only want what's best.

    It might also be an idea to sit him down and tell him gently that you can't continue to finance all the nights out/bills etc and that you guys will have to curb expenditure unless he gets out there a bit more. It might be the kick start he needs.

    I don't think there's any excuse for him leaving the place in a mess and doing no house work though. The least he can do with you being so supportive is help keep the place decent. THere's nothing worse than coming home to a pig sty when the other person has been there all day and hasn't lifted a finger, so I would enforce that point with him.


  • #5
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Maybe he might be interested in studying while he's unemployed?? i know it's not a job but it'l get him out and about build back up his confidence of getting a job with new skills?

    I'm in the same boat and by my other half studyin it's givin him hope he'll get a new job after he's finished.

    Try to be patient tho..... Acting like that is their way of dealing with it and they dont like having to rely on their girlfriend for money and paying for nights out. How about instead of going out to dinner get a take away and a bottle of wine dvd...... and have a chat. It's nearly as nice as going out and he might open up quicker too.

    It's a tough time for all of us but we will get through it! I know how you're feeling tho and it will get better.......best of luck


  • #6
    mikewest
    Registered Users Posts: 758 ✭✭✭mikewest


    This chap is probably suffering from depression by what you described him as doing and not doing. If he won't go to the doctor about this get some over the counter anti depression stuff e.g. lots of omegs 3 fish oils or "St. Johns Wort" which you will have to get from the UK as the Idiots Medicines Board banned it here. When the depression abates all the rest of the problems will start to disappear.

    The pushing you are doing is probably only making the depression worse and it can be very hard not to push.

    Plan A Doctor

    Plan B over the counter anti depressives

    Unemployment especially in the winter can bring on depression very easily and it is a tough place to come back from without help. Good luck.


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  • #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I think alot of people are in the same position as OP. My OH lost his job at the start of the year and has no look getting anything. He has applied for everything, FAS, going back to college and everything seems to hit a brick wall regarding being financailly viable.

    I too have had the discussions with him about doing the housework and pulling his weight around the flat. Which, to be honest, he does the basics so the place is reasonably tidy.

    I feel so sorry for him and I think that perhaps your boyf has probably tried looking for jobs but it must be so demoralising. Perhaps he just needs a timeout to re-evaluate and start looking again. It's hard to see that they is nothing there, job-wise.

    Bear with him and I'm sure he appreciates you and although he mightn't mention it, he is probably looking for work.

    I'd say curb the nights out, etc. I generally pay for most things now but I also let him pay for some things, like cinema tickets or a takeaway every now and then.

    Sometimes Humour is the best cure for these situations, so try not to be too serious about it and he might start to lighten up. I think his pride is injured and getting angry with you is his way of covering it.

    Sorry if i'm rambling but I really think that after 7 years ye'll get through this...


  • #8
    Permabear
    Closed Accounts Posts: 39,022 ✭✭✭✭Permabear


    This post has been deleted.


  • #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Unregistered wrote: »
    Hi!
    Basically my boyfriend and I live together - he is 28 and has been out of work since November. We are together 7 years and i love him to bits.
    Since he lost his job I have been trying to help, get him out and about doing stuff, paying for gigs, dinners, cinema, helping him apply for jobs etc. But he just does nothing but sit at the tv/computer all day.

    He only really goes out to collect his dole and doesn't seem to be applying for any jobs.
    Anytime i mention the subject he goes off on a stroppy rant. And to be petty - the house is a state because no housework or anything is getting done.

    Tbh I am losing respect for him because I know other guys out there are unemployed and are doing everything they can to find another job/ keep themselves occupied. How can that form of existence be enough to satisfy anyone???????

    I am in the same position as your boyfriend.

    I had everything at my feet one minute now I have nothing.It is demoralising going up to social welfare, getting all your entitlements etc.

    Your boyfriend will get out of this phase.Lecturing him about jobs,housework,etc will only drive you both apart. Give him space,go meet your own friends,invite people around for dinner .Once you start getting him to interact with other people he will then have to answer questions about his unemployment etc.

    This will ,should, motivate him into thinking "I have to do something and get a job".

    It is about motivating him not lecturing hiim and driving him away.


  • #10
    My name is URL
    Registered Users Posts: 25,057 ✭✭✭✭My name is URL


    The best way to deal with this is to find way to boost his confidence in himself. I've been unemployed since March and even this early I feel like I'm losing confidence.

    I guess it's natural after seeing how easily your life can be severely disrupted by losing what resources you have to survive... I don't just mean money, it's also alot to do with feeling that people are not dependent on you, which can make you feel totally inadequate.

    I know this seems kinda ghey, but what I done is got an allotment for growing veg. Just being out doing something that will ultimately bring rewards is fantastic for anyone that feels unneeded or unmotivated.


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