The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

pheasant tail · 27-02-2011 2:59pm

Heard this one yesterday made me laugh

ME - well boss,,sorry but i dont think ill make it to work today...

BOSS - Why?

Me- sorry but im suffering from anal blindness..

Boss - Anal blind ness,what?? what you mean..

ME - yaa anal blindness,just cant see my arse getting out of bed dismorning

Tar.Aldarion · 27-02-2011 3:06pm

/walk up close to their ear and whisper...

What's the difference between an erection and a ferrari?

I don't have a ferrari

Ronin247 · 27-02-2011 3:46pm

DalkeyRose wrote: »

What does 'W.I.F.E.' stand for???

Washing
Ironing
Fcuking
Etc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:cool:

What does women stand for
Wait
On
Mans
Every
Need

Hootanany · 27-02-2011 4:54pm

Joe to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
*
*
*
Paddy: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't even home yesterday."

*

Podge2k7 · 27-02-2011 5:19pm

Towards the end of the golf course, Jim hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden.....POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature ! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups???

Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!!

Then POOF!......she was gone !!!

After Jim recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the Pussy Willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING !!!!!'

Ken. · 27-02-2011 10:24pm

I was walking down the street the other day and I saw these two blind blokes squaring up to fight. I shouted My money's on the one with the knife. You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

Piriz · 27-02-2011 11:05pm

Galway K9 wrote: »

Whats the difference between a Dublin Northsider and batman?

Batman can go shopping without robin!:D

Galway...where travelers settle!

^thats the joke!

Galway K9 · 27-02-2011 11:21pm

Piriz wrote: »

Galway...where travelers settle!

^thats the joke!

dont get ya?:)

Galway K9 · 27-02-2011 11:22pm

Why did the knacker get sick on the Bus?

He was a bad traveller!

Dolph Starbeam · 03-03-2011 1:02pm

What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?

You know for sure that your dad is a wanker

Dolph Starbeam · 03-03-2011 1:04pm

Danny sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Shirley, a friend of his. But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Andy, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry." Danny says. "Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Andy knocks at Shirleys door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andy's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaauuuggghhh!

briscotti · 03-03-2011 9:23pm

snickerpuss wrote: »

What's pink and hard?

Maths Paper Two

laughed for about 20 seconds solid. amazing.

CarrickMcJoe · 03-03-2011 9:29pm

What gets longer as it rubs between a womans breasts?

A SEATBELT

Fago! · 03-03-2011 11:55pm

I've got this painting of Stevie Wonder in my living room. It's really freaky. wherever you walk in the room it looks like his hands are following you.

Calibos · 04-03-2011 1:25am

How many Psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb??

One........but the lightbulb has to want to change......

Savage Tyrant · 04-03-2011 1:53am

Fago! wrote: »

I've got this painting of Stevie Wonder in my living room. It's really freaky. wherever you walk in the room it looks like his hands are following you.

have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's wife?.... No? ..... Neither has he.

ki · 04-03-2011 2:30pm

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he is married!

Stu · 04-03-2011 2:51pm

"Dad, whats the difference between a pussy and a cun t?" young son asks.
"Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping wife, "that's a pussy son." "Its lovely dad, can I touch it?"
"No son," says dad, "If you touch the pussy you'll wake the cun t up!"

A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"
Wife says, "I would take half and leave you".
Man says, "Great! I have won a tenner, here's a fiver now fook off!"

Did you hear about the Dwarf who tried to walk under a womens legs to get an eyeful? He got a Clit around the ear and a Flap in the face.

What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking, she's going to eat me !!!

What's the difference between your wages and your cock? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your wages!

How do you know when you are getting old? When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

What's the definition of trust? Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking? They already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between Oh! and Aaaaah!? About 3 inches.

Why is that time of the month called PMS? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.

What's the best thing about getting a blow job? Ten minutes of silence!

Why did the blond get sacked from the M&M factory? Because she threw out all the W's

How can you tell when a blond has been using a PC? The Joystick is all wet.

What's the definition of eternity? The time between when you cum and she leaves.

Why did God invent yeast infection? So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cun t.

Why don't men use the Washing machine? Because it doesn't come with a Remote Control.

Did you hear about the two gay men who went to London? They were well pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.

Do You like good horror? Have you heard about the new exorcist film? They get the Devil to come in to take the Priest out of the child!

What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A rumour

What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail? I feel like a kid again!

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment ..... What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? €3.99 a minute.

What do women and washing machines have in common? They both drip when they're fuc ked.

Have u ever heard a bloke saying "I'm Just going to the toilet to Bate my Master. Now u know where the word "masterbate" originates from?

What does your Bank Account and Sex have in common? You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

What does a vibrator and veggie sausage have in common? They are both meat substitutes!

Can i ask you something, How come during sex it's OK to say, 'Who's your daddy?,' but it's not OK to say, 'I love you, mammy'?

What did the woman do when she found out her husband was gay? She pulled herself together and took it like a man.

Why can't Chinese couples have white babies? Because two Wongs don't make a white!

What do you call a roman warrior after oral sex? Glad-he-ate-her.

kfallon · 04-03-2011 2:54pm

Somebody got Stevie Wonder a cheese grater for Xmas.....said it was the best book he ever read :pac:

Leiva · 04-03-2011 3:03pm

How does a Kerry man find a Sheep in long grass ?

Exhilarating !

whiskeyman · 04-03-2011 3:10pm

To keep the Stevie Wonder jokes going:

Stevie Wonder turned down the chance to play Dublin years ago.
He couldn't see The Point...

Rick Deckard · 04-03-2011 3:27pm

Did no-one tell the old classic yet?!?

Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?
No-one told him he's black.

Dolph Starbeam · 04-03-2011 3:37pm

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

Dolph Starbeam · 04-03-2011 3:38pm

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've got some bad news for you...you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room.

There he saw his son who had been waiting.

Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.

Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad...He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.

He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion, "Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer?

You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"

Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother."

hondasam · 04-03-2011 4:32pm

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked,

"What are you up to there, Johnny?" "Well, my goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned,

"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied... "That's because he's inside your cat!"

hondasam · 04-03-2011 4:33pm

"Teacher, I have a question for you," says little Johnny.

"If there are 3 women sitting in an ice cream parlor, and one is biting her ice cream cone, the second is licking her ice cream cone, and the third is sucking her ice cream cone, how can you tell which one is married?"

The teacher thought for a moment, and says "The one who is sucking her ice cream cone is the married one."

"Wrong," says Johnny, "you can tell which one is married by which one has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you think."

hondasam · 04-03-2011 4:43pm

A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt. "Why are you wearing a Thank God it's Friday Tee-shirt on Monday?"

"Oh crap!" the blonde says, "I thought it meant Tits Go In Front."

Capt'n Midnight · 04-03-2011 7:21pm

pheasant tail wrote: »

Heard this one yesterday made me laugh

ME - well boss,,sorry but i dont think ill make it to work today...

BOSS - Why?

Me- sorry but im suffering from anal blindness..

Boss - Anal blind ness,what?? what you mean..

ME - yaa anal blindness,just cant see my arse getting out of bed dismorning

Anal Glaucoma in the original.

I refer you to Nicholas Monsarrat's "The Cruel Sea", where two men, discussing a woman, say
"She has marital thrombosis"
"Oh, what's that?"
"She has a clot for a husband!"

Capt'n Midnight · 04-03-2011 7:27pm

phelixoflaherty wrote: »

Old one
The pole vault champion of East Germany is now the pole vault champion of West Germany

If that's the Seoul example of a divided country you can come up with then you won't have much of a Korea as a comedian.

Capt'n Midnight · 04-03-2011 7:30pm

Newspaper reporter asks Stevie Wonder,

"Stevie, what is it like to be born blind?"

Stevie replied,

"Could have been worse, I could've been born black!"

( I've heard that this is a true story )

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

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