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Advice needed - No support from boyfriend or friends

  • 31-03-2020 1:04pm
    #1
    jdkmcd2019
    Registered Users Posts: 4 ✭


    I am 22, have a 6 month old child. My mum has stage 4 cancer. I lost a baby at birth, my grandmother passed(she was like a second mum to me we were sooo close) and my little cousin passed all within the last 4 years. My problem is I feel like I have no1 or no support my boyfriend and friends are not really supportive at all. My boyfriend is so selfish and not nice to me 95% of the time. He never asks how me or my mum is. I moved in with my mum to care for her during the coronavirus and it’s really tough seeing her so sick. We broke up for 6 months 2 years ago after my grandmother passed I took it really bad and I was heartbroken we broke up because of the same thing that I’m feeling now (not supportive and don’t think he cares) . I really missed him and I was devastated so we got back together, when we had broke up he had went back to his ex girlfriend and played with my head telling me he missed me and wanted me back one minute then going and texting her the next minute. I took him back anyways as he was loyal when we’re together. But now I’m feeling the same way again, I don’t know what to do. Another problem I’m having is My friends arnt really there anymore, since I got pregnant and wasn’t able to go out with them all the time I don’t hear from them as much anymore they come visit me maybe 2/3 times a month but when it comes to going out or doing anything I’m never invited. They are friends with a girl I used to be friends with now i introduced them to her and now we don’t get on anymore (she’s not a very nice person to me and done some things to me about a year and a half ago) so maybe this is the reason but they have been my friends for years. I love them and miss them but I don’t know what to do I already told them how I felt about not getting invited and being left out but nothing seems to change, I feel so broken and I don’t know what to do . I feel like I have nobody, what should I do ? ... if I leave my boyfriend I will have nobody as I go out along with him and his friends now that my own friends don’t ask. Can anyone give me some advice ?
    Tagged:


Comments

  • #2
    Brian?
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 20,755 Mod ✭✭✭✭Brian?


    Moved from Fitness

    they/them/theirs


    And so on, and so on …. - Slavoj Žižek




  • #3
    ILoveYourVibes
    Registered Users Posts: 15,176 ✭✭✭✭ILoveYourVibes


    I am so sorry about you losing the baby at birth and your grandmother passing and your mother being ill now.

    That is a lot of loss all at once.

    A therapist can give you support.

    Also a hobby can give you some comfort.

    Maybe don't try to change things ALL at once. Start off with trying to attract generous warm people who will be there for you one by one. Friend by friend ..and also LET go of the old ones.

    Then maybe you can think about the BF and what you want to do.

    Maybe this lockdown was a blessing to tell you to let go of certain people.

    Bit by bit.

    Stay safe op.


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Sorry for your troubles. You've been through a lot and still have plenty to be going on with.

    The first thing that jumped out at me was your age. 22 is very young to have had two children. For that alone, you've got a lot less in common with your friends than you ever did. They're out enjoying themselves (well, hopefully not at this time but you know what I mean) while you're at home with a young child. Maybe they assume that you are no longer in a position to come out with them. Or perhaps they think you're no longer interested in hanging out with them. By any chance, are you one of those women who goes on too much about their child or motherhood? Something else that crossed my mind is your friends' relationship with your boyfriend. He doesn't sound like a pleasant individual and they might be frustrated that you got back with him and had another child with him? Did you cry on any of their shoulders when you first broke up?

    Why not reach out to one or two of them now and chat over Zoom? This mean girls dynamic you've described is very teenagerish and as people get older, they usually grow out of it. Realistically, you won't be socialising with your group of friends if this other girl is now in the circle. It doesn't mean that your friends dislike you now. They might be trying to keep the peace and know that it's easier not to invite you along.

    If nothing changes, you will need to find other avenues to meet people and find new friends. Are there any mother and baby groups in your area, for example?

    Your boyfriend sounds like a complete waste of oxygen and it is so sad that your standards are so low. He's selfish, he isn't nice to you most of the time and you don't think he cares about you. So apart from your fear of being lonely, why are you with him? If you met him for the first time now, would you even give him a second thought? It is possible that this relationship has run its course and that you'd be better off parenting your child alone. Maybe you are already - does he help much with your child? You can't make somebody who isn't interested be interested.

    For now, worry about looking after your mum and your child. You've got enough on your plate. There are some useful services in the stick here https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057178293 Even if you just pick up the phone and ring The Samaritans, it will help you get some problems off your chest. It's a start.


  • #5
    Kylta
    Registered Users Posts: 15,457 ✭✭✭✭Kylta


    When everything stacks up against us life can be brutal. But like everything else you'll either rise or fall, hopefully with a little help (counselling) you can cope with these issue's. Get rid of your boyfriend ( if he's not there for you when you really need him well then his basically fu-king useless, and it also tells you he'll never be there for you) if he the father of your child you will at some stage have to deal with that issue. Your Ma and your daughter are your priorities now. In regards to your friends if they still coming to visit you now and again means their still there, I'd ring them individually to keep in the loop about things. But my opinion is to let them guide the conversation ( No negativity, if you lay your problems on people, people runaway basically so let them ask about your Ma, Baby, etc). Friends come and go. True friends will last forever. But with the isolating thing going on at the moment it will give you space to get your head together.
    Tomorrow's another day and hopefully it will be brighter than the day before.
    Best of luck in the future


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