If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)

Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Hi all,
Vanilla are planning an update to the site on April 24th (next Wednesday). It is a major PHP8 update which is expected to boost performance across the site. The site will be down from 7pm and it is expected to take about an hour to complete. We appreciate your patience during the update.
Thanks all.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

Mr. CooL ICE · 2017-06-15 16:09:42

How do you know penguins good race car drivers? Because they are always in pole position. What do you call 500 penguins in Athlone? Lost. Why can't penguins fly? Because they are chocolate biscuits. Original thread here

Comments

#3512 12-03-2020 9:37pm

RobMc59

Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭

Join Date: August 2018

Posts: 4792

In my day,panic buying only happened when the bell rang and the barman shouted"last orders at the bar"!!

0
#3513 12-03-2020 9:39pm

The Princess Bride

Registered Users Posts: 18,581 ✭✭✭✭

Join Date: March 2011

Posts: 18510

Elvis Costello has an arrangement with his mechanic, whereby he pays for his tyres with leftover Christmas chocolates.

Last week, he got a Goodyear for the Roses.

0
#3514 12-03-2020 9:42pm

RobMc59

Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭

Join Date: August 2018

Posts: 4792

The Princess Bride wrote: »

Elvis Costello has an arrangement with his mechanic, whereby he pays for his tyres with leftover Christmas chocolates.

Last week, he got a Goodyear for the Roses.

And then sang"pump it up"!

0
#3515 12-03-2020 11:18pm

fryup

Registered Users Posts: 18,069 ✭✭✭✭

Join Date: December 2008

Posts: 17573

the mechanic also accidently scratched his car...and Elvis Costello said don't worry "accidents can happen"

0
#3516 13-03-2020 12:07am

Capt'n Midnight

Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,684 Mod ✭✭✭✭

Join Date: March 2003

Posts: 88924

chewed wrote: »

A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says, "I think I might be a type O"

Dear Rabbit

don't feel so bad. You should be positive.

CM

0
Advertisement
#3517 13-03-2020 12:53am

byrner88

Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭

Join Date: October 2006

Posts: 847

In a Tesco this morning, I was horrified to find they had no toilet paper at all.
Reluctantly I headed for the checkout and asked if they had any. A firm NO was the answer.

Walking back to the toilets with my jocks and trousers around my ankles was a walk of shame I can tell you

0
#3518 13-03-2020 1:24pm

patmac

Registered Users Posts: 7,563 ✭✭✭

Join Date: September 2005

Posts: 7135

My girlfriend left me because of my awful Arnold Schwarzenegger impression.

But don't worry... I'll return.

0
#3519 13-03-2020 1:38pm

jaykay74

Registered Users Posts: 6,555 ✭✭✭

Join Date: April 2008

Posts: 6206

Just seen a massive fight in the toilet roll aisle at my local Tescos with approx 20 people involved

The good news is no one was injured badly just some soft tissue damage

0
#3520 13-03-2020 1:43pm

GBX

Registered Users Posts: 11,900 ✭✭✭✭

Join Date: November 2005

Posts: 11663

A judge asks a surly defendant if he has anything to say for himself.

The defendant mutters, "Fook all."

"What did you say?" asks the judge.

The court clerk turns to the judge and says,

"The defendant said, "fook all", your honour."

"Really?" replies the judge,

"I could have sworn I saw his lips move."

0
#3521 13-03-2020 3:35pm

seagull

Registered Users Posts: 2,340 ✭✭✭

Join Date: March 2006

Posts: 2271

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

Have you ever noticed that all the instruments searching for intelligent life point away from the earth?

I give you the last two lines of this

0
Advertisement
#3522 13-03-2020 7:39pm

iamstop

Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 11,810 Mod ✭✭✭✭

Join Date: November 2004

Posts: 11430

Since everyone is panic buying loo roll. I'm gonna make and sell jacks roll with jokes written on it.

For sh1ts and giggles.

https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7

0
#3523 14-03-2020 2:18am

byrner88

Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭

Join Date: October 2006

Posts: 847

During Antiques Roadshow today, I looked at the 19th century mahogany chest of drawers in the corner of my living room and thought:

"Maybe that's where the ****ing remote is."

0
#3524 14-03-2020 2:57pm

Capt'n Midnight

Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,684 Mod ✭✭✭✭

Join Date: March 2003

Posts: 88924

Lidl management today said that because of the panic buying and pandemonium in their stores that they are taking drastic action and opening another till.

1
#3525 14-03-2020 7:55pm

Capt'n Midnight

Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,684 Mod ✭✭✭✭

Join Date: March 2003

Posts: 88924

This is your Ryanair pilot speaking. I'm working from home today...

0
#3526 14-03-2020 8:15pm

Ted_YNWA

Registered Users Posts: 71,799 ✭✭✭✭

Join Date: October 2011

Posts: 71152

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

This is your Ryanair pilot speaking. I'm working from home today...

Just because you are working from home, doesn't mean you can submit others work as your own.

https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=112823855&postcount=6571

0
#3527 15-03-2020 12:01am

[Deleted User]
Posts: 0 ✭

Join Date: -

Posts: 0

What’s the difference between Covid 19 and Romeo & Juliet?

One’s a corona virus and the other is a Verona crisis.

0
#3528 15-03-2020 2:42am

[Deleted User]
Posts: 0 ✭

Join Date: -

Posts: 0

Since everyone has started washing their hands, the peanuts in the pubs have lost their taste.

0
#3529 16-03-2020 9:28am

GBX

Registered Users Posts: 11,900 ✭✭✭✭

Join Date: November 2005

Posts: 11663

Last week, my next door neighbour asked me:

“Seen as our houses are the same design... Can I ask how many rolls of wallpaper you bought to decorate the living room?”

“Thirteen” I said.

Today, he came round looking angry: “I’ve got three rolls left over!!!”

“So did I!” I said

0
#3530 16-03-2020 9:30am

GBX

Registered Users Posts: 11,900 ✭✭✭✭

Join Date: November 2005

Posts: 11663

When a recipe ask you to separate eggs, how far is acceptable?
I've just put one on a train to Galway..

0
#3531 16-03-2020 10:40am

patmac

Registered Users Posts: 7,563 ✭✭✭

Join Date: September 2005

Posts: 7135

Looking to take a break from reading and watching television about the Corona virus, going to watch a movie instead. ‘Outbreak’ looks interesting anyone know what it’s about?

0
Advertisement
#3532 16-03-2020 11:14am

[Deleted User]
Posts: 0 ✭

Join Date: -

Posts: 0

GBX wrote: »

When a recipe ask you to separate eggs, how far is acceptable?
I've just put one on a train to Galway..

Not far enough...

Send it to Cork! :pac:

0
#3533 16-03-2020 3:14pm

[Deleted User]
Posts: 0 ✭

Join Date: -

Posts: 0

Without offence to anyone i think the corona viris was released by a woman my reasons being:-
football stopped
F1 stopped
Bars and terraces stopped
Moto GP stopped ,
Men have to remain at home,
but the hairdressers are still open!
Explain to me please

0
#3534 16-03-2020 7:36pm

jimgoose

Registered Users Posts: 20,174 ✭✭✭✭

Join Date: January 2011

Posts: 20149

And lo, I am learned that "Social Distancing" <> "Doggie Style".

0
#3535 18-03-2020 12:37am

The Princess Bride

Registered Users Posts: 18,581 ✭✭✭✭

Join Date: March 2011

Posts: 18510

My German friend has told me that over there, everyone is panic buying sausage and cheese, rather than toilet roll.
It's the wurst käse scenario.

0
#3536 18-03-2020 10:57pm

patmac

Registered Users Posts: 7,563 ✭✭✭

Join Date: September 2005

Posts: 7135

Just heard a man collapsed on the London Eye.

Paramedics on site say he is slowly coming round.

0
#3537 19-03-2020 3:00pm

chips1234

Registered Users Posts: 1,511 ✭✭✭

Join Date: March 2007

Posts: 1505

valoren wrote: »

Now that toilet roll and tissues are the new currency what do you call a tosser who runs out of both?

Wankrupt.

and between a sock and a hard place

0
#3538 19-03-2020 3:19pm

byrner88

Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭

Join Date: October 2006

Posts: 847

My best mate, Dave passed away yesterday so I went to see his wife today.

I said, "Look on the bright side, at least he's not suffering anymore."

She said, "He wasn't ill, he died all of a sudden."

I said, "I know, I meant being married to you."

0
#3539 19-03-2020 3:41pm

iamstop

Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 11,810 Mod ✭✭✭✭

Join Date: November 2004

Posts: 11430

Did you see the Covid-19 meme?

It's gone viral.

Sorry.

https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7

0
#3540 19-03-2020 5:15pm

[Deleted User]
Posts: 0 ✭

Join Date: -

Posts: 0

iamstop wrote: »

Did you see the Covid-19 meme?

It's gone viral.

Sorry.

0
Advertisement
#3541 20-03-2020 8:44pm

Capt'n Midnight

Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,684 Mod ✭✭✭✭

Join Date: March 2003

Posts: 88924

Netflix to reduce streaming quality.

They’re gonna start showing Mrs Brown’s Boys.

0