What's the etiquette here??

Sharp MZ700 · 19-11-2019 10:30pm

Andreas77 wrote: »

I'm a squatter gerry, unable to spread my feet too far apart, so sometimes I got excrement on the inside of my legs. Is a crime?

Can I ask, you're not a cyclist by any chance? They love shïtting themselves too.

EmmetSpiceland · 19-11-2019 10:45pm

Sharp MZ700 wrote: »

Can I ask, you're not a cyclist by any chance? They love shïtting themselves too.

Could be a long distance runner, maybe?

padd b1975 · 19-11-2019 11:41pm

For squatting, check out Paddy Cullen's position as he faces a penalty in the 1974 All Ireland Final.

Can't really be improved on even though he's concentrating on other matters.....probably.

EmmetSpiceland · 20-11-2019 1:23am

On to a bad one here, lads.

I’ve heard people posting about what happens after eating a bag of cashews. Discoloured and “mottled” logs. But logs none the less.

Wasn’t really paying attention and gobbled down a whole bag of brazil nuts. Wasn’t a very big bag but coupled with my pasta dinner and brown bread “tea” I guess I expected something similar.

Not even close. It’s past midnight and I’m still sat here with my arse spitting out dry crumbs. Every so often I’ll go in for a clean, even having to “tease out” some stubborn desiccated nut from just inside the door.

Just when I think it’s safe to go I get another rumble and the whole chewed up mess starts again. Fffffffssssssskkkk, ffffssskk, ffsssk, ffsssk and then a thin, airy, spitty, whistling fart.

Is there any “goodness” in these yokes at all? I feel like I’ll be passing little nuggets of them for another week. They’ve gone from bag to chew to the bowl and nothing seems to have broken down.

Maybe they were gone off, only found them in the press but you don’t expect this sort of effect. I’m, sorely, tempted to send in a letter of “complaint” but they might send me a box of them by way of apology.

A nasty, dry, affair.

NeinNeinNein · 20-11-2019 1:34am

Those whistling farts sound interesting. In the old days, they could have become a circus act.

KWAG2019 · 20-11-2019 1:40am

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

Those whistling farts sound interesting. In the old days, they could have become a circus act.

The nutcracker suite comes to mind.

EmmetSpiceland · 20-11-2019 1:41am

NeinNeinNein wrote: »

Those whistling farts sound interesting. In the old days, they could have become a circus act.

The Irish “Le Pétomane” perhaps?

No, this isn’t on cue and, quite frankly, I’m not eating more than a couple of those ****in’ hell seeds again.

KWAG2019 · 20-11-2019 1:51am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

The Irish “Le Pétomane” perhaps?

No, this isn’t on cue and, quite frankly, I’m not eating more than a couple of those ****in’ hell seeds again.

I had to move several stacks of The Irish Press to get the Encyclopedia Brittania down. Luckily enough the page on LE Peto was intact, unlike others that seem to have been sacrificed to the bog gods. A fartiste no less. The regulars here should form a travelling troupe. Emmetspiceland and the dangle berries?

NeinNeinNein · 20-11-2019 2:20am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

The Irish “Le Pétomane” perhaps?

No, this isn’t on cue and, quite frankly, I’m not eating more than a couple of those ****in’ hell seeds again.

Don't get too caught up on the foodstuff, you have discovered a potential that might excel with careful nurturing.

The Arts Council goes crazy for this sort of thing.

Can you manage the first few notes of The Derry Air?

Hotblack Desiato · 20-11-2019 6:18pm

Don't you mean "The Arse Council" ?

Some great headlines on that rather disappointing BBC story about the teflon jacks (50 flushes? More like one weekend for a Guinness drinker, but I digress) :

Water bill 'too expensive' to flush toilet
Nothing wrong with letting the yellow mellow. Think of it as saving the planet, one pish at a time.

Public toilets 'absolute necessity', politicians are warned
Someone tell Dublin City Council.

Porthcawl anti-sex toilet plans 'submitted in error'
Seems to me you'd have to be rather desperate to go at it in a public jacks, but what do I know.

Andreas77 · 20-11-2019 6:25pm

Emmet we have been lied to about the benefits of fiber , you ever tried a pure meat diet, very rare, or uncooked red meats, for several months? your colon will thank you, I once had the following issue: impacted feces, but a change in my diet paved the way for a new me

Stevieluvsye · 20-11-2019 6:28pm

Andreas77 wrote: »

Emmet we have been lied to about the benefits of fiber , you ever tried a pure meat diet, very rare, or uncooked red meats, for several months? your colon will thank you, I once had the following issue: impacted feces, but a change in my diet paved the way for a new me

If you told me it was raining i'd look out the window to double check

Brendan Bendar · 20-11-2019 6:28pm

Andreas77 wrote: »

Emmet we have been lied to about the benefits of fiber , you ever tried a pure meat diet, very rare, or uncooked red meats, for several months? your colon will thank you, I once had the following issue: impacted feces, but a change in my diet paved the way for a new me

You have more issues than that, dude.:cool:

Hotblack Desiato · 20-11-2019 6:36pm

How's your tapeworm doing Andreas?

Bobblehats · 20-11-2019 6:43pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

How's your tapeworm doing Andreas?

Have you given her a name yet.

Andreas77 · 20-11-2019 6:46pm

I don't believe the fear mongering around parasites, i once served sushi to a table-full of people using very thin slices of raw beef. Reason being, we discovered sushi rice on offer at the department store and designed a novel meal

you never had steak tartare?

Bobblehats · 20-11-2019 7:06pm

Andreas77 wrote: »

you never had steak tartare?

Ah yesh a delightful mouthwatering rendition of Salmonellas, Escherichia coli, Shigella, Staphylococcus aureus, and Listeria monocytogenes that seems to continue late into the gastrointestinal tract. And beyond

KWAG2019 · 20-11-2019 7:17pm

Bobblehats wrote: »

Ah yesh a delightful mouthwatering rendition of Salmonellas, Escherichia coli, Shigella, Staphylococcus aureus, and Listeria monocytogenes that seems to continue late into the gastrointestinal tract. And beyond

I remember the Staphylococcus of Abbeyfeale quite well.

20-11-2019 7:19pm

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

How's your tapeworm doing Andreas?

That reminds me, I must reread Irvine Welsh's book Filth again soon.

tgdaly · 21-11-2019 9:40am

Brendan Bendar wrote: »

You have more issues than that, dude.:cool:

You should see Andreas post on the "Incest in Ireland" thread going around at the moment. Really disturbed individual, I'd say he always goes for the middle trap

Andreas77 · 21-11-2019 11:08am

No doubt you have a mouth full of margarine, sucking the pipe of emulsion, gargling the fats, but even if you live to one hundred ,unlikely as you take as fact the authenticity of the food pyramid and the weasel words of the conglomerates, you will never lie with so many beautiful women as me, envious eyes

EmmetSpiceland · 21-11-2019 11:11am

Gentlemen, please. This is no place to start “throwing shapes”.

We’re all here for the same reason, to enlighten and to be enlightened, to share knowledge and to learn.

Let’s not sink to the level of decorum you might find in “lesser” threads filled with lesser users.

Utter Consternation · 21-11-2019 11:17am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Gentlemen, please. This is no place to start “throwing shapes”.

We’re all here for the same reason, to enlighten and to be enlightened, to share knowledge and to learn.

Let’s not sink to the level of decorum you might find in “lesser” threads filled with lesser users.

This highly esteemed senate of debate needs to maintain very high standards. It's an example to how other threads should carry themselves.

To keep things on topic i had a fairly disastrous dump there. Far too much paper work. The seven pints of Guinness i had after work are to blame. The backboard of the jacks was destroyed, absolute carnage.

Not entirely black though, a two tone turd.

yermandan · 21-11-2019 11:17am

yermandan · 21-11-2019 11:18am

EmmetSpiceland wrote: »

Gentlemen, please. This is no place to start “throwing shapes”.

We’re all here for the same reason, to enlighten and to be enlightened, to share knowledge and to learn.

Let’s not sink to the level of decorum you might find in “lesser” threads filled with lesser users.

Exactly, less of the personals, back to the job at hand

Tammy! · 21-11-2019 11:25am

Utter Consternation wrote: »

This highly esteemed senate of debate needs to maintain very high standards:

Don't worry there, I'm sure Gillian McKeith would be proud.

NeinNeinNein · 21-11-2019 1:44pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Not entirely black though, a two tone turd.

Would you have had a quick cider to cleanse the palate mid stout feed? Perhaps a sneaky few taytos?

Bullocks · 21-11-2019 2:32pm

Utter Consternation wrote: »

Not entirely black though, a two tone turd.

Fair play UC, I think a two tone turd is a sign of principles in a man. You knew when you had enough and didn't make a "baste" of yourself before heading home.
Wouldn't it be worse if you had over "the gallon" and were squitting black black liquid all morning

Bobblehats · 21-11-2019 2:49pm

I too have witnessed this phenomenon. The two seem to be intertwined, much like the yin and the yan. Personally I reckon it’s a sign of gut harmony so when this phenomenon occurs I tend to leave the “pro biotics” off the shopping list paving the way for another marvin exclusive

JohnnyFlash · 21-11-2019 3:01pm

Met an old friend of mine today for the dinner. He was telling me that himself and the missus aren't talking since an incident last Sunday.

He was over at his mother-in-law's place for the lunch with the wife and kids. Had a feed of pints (he estimates approximately 14) the day before. And a donor kebab with taco fries in the chipper afterwards. Was as rough as a grisly bear's arse the next day, and was farting almost continuously since he woke up that morning. He was letting off low ones throughout soup and main course, and felt he was getting away with them. Anyways, they were tucking into the apple tart and ice cream when he lets an absolute ripper go - swears it caused the net curtain in the window behind him to move. Just let his guard down and out came the arse cannon.

Everyone fell silent at the table and started staring at him. To break the terrible awkward silence he quipped 'get out and walk, you lazy baxtard'.

His mother-in-law went to town on him, telling him she could smell his arse cologne throughout the entire meal, that he was reeking of stale stout, that she cried bitter tears the day he put a ring on her daughter's finger etc.

Wife crying, kids crying, massive fight in the car on the way home, and he's in the spare room since Sunday.

What was the lad supposed to do? Seems unfair to me. He turned up at the dinner, tried to keep things under control, let his guard down, and then tried to ease the tension by making a witty quip.

What's the etiquette here??

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