How to get over his past/stopping being so insecure

Insecure · 08-06-2011 7:46pm #1

Hello. I need to tell this to people who don't know me or my man because friends and family are giving me biased information due to our past.

Basically, we were together 3 years and split up for 8 months, now we have just gotten back together. I slept around a LOTwhen we first split because he left me and left me in bits and it was the only thing I thought at the time that would take my mind off him.

He knows this and obviously it hurt but he is getting over it cos I was single. However just before we got back together, he told me he kissed a girl and it is crushing me. I can't stop thinking about it, worst of all she is a friend of the family. I don't know her but have been told she has long blonde hair, I am the total opposite. It makes me sick. How can this bother me after what I did? These men meant nothing to me, this girl wanted to see him again but then a week later he tried getting me back. He thought he would never see me again because I kept telling him he has no chance of getting back together, then we got back together last month on my birthday. Then this came out when he was drunk because he wanted to get back at me for sleeping about.

He said he was glad it happened because he realised he doesn't want anyone else yet it still hurts.

I know it sounds childish but I just need to know am I being daft worrying over 1 kiss in 8 months? I don't think he has ever cheated on me although he has said/done stuff in the past that made me insecure against other women. Although that doesn't bother me now, it is just this kiss and worrying he will see her again at family parties etc.

Please help, I am so so down and feel ugly although I know I am not and he worships me, I just hate other women like that who flaunt themselves round.

IrishEyes19 · 08-06-2011 8:04pm

well first that other woman isnt flaunting herself around, so dont worry about that. Its your insecurities that are the problem here. It hurts that someone you love kissed someone else, but you need to get over this to move on. He did it for the same reasons you did, as a reason to move on from you, but cant you see it only led him back to you and vica versa. Dont let this be the end of what is obviously good. Most people dont get back with their ex's no matter how much they loved them, so be happy with the moment and stop worrying about the past. Best of luck.

Insecure · 08-06-2011 8:09pm

Thank you so much IrishEyes. I know my insecurities play a bigger part in this than she does. If it was a random in a pub/club, then it wouldn't bother me so much but a family party is coming up and I think she will be there, he said I am coming with him but I don't know the date yet and might not even be able to go, that will make me ill.

I really don't want this to split us but it is so hard getting over it.

S23 · 08-06-2011 8:17pm

I can't say much apart from the obvious. You need to get over it. You had multiple sexual partners with whom, forgive me for presuming, you did a hell of a lot more than share a kiss. Both of you were living a single life. He did it in his fashion, you did it in yours. You both have to deal with it if you really want to get back together and move on. If you can't deal with it then the reconcilation could turn posionous.

Without sounding harsh I can't really say much more than you should get over it. No trusts were betrayed as you were both single. Thank your lucky stars you're not trying to get your head round him sleeping with lots of other women because I'd imagine that's the harder side of the deal to swallow.

If he hasn't cheated on you in the past then this woman is a non-issue. Whether shes at a party or not at a party is irrelevant if you trust him. It seems you have no reason not to trust him so theres not much more anyone can say.

What does bother me is that, despite him pursuing you to get back together, he got drunk and wanted to get back at you for sleeping around. I feel he may be having a hard time wrapping his head around this. Wanting someone back is one thing. Finding out they slept with 2-4-10-however many random men may modify how you see that person.

And one last thing.

I just hate other women like that who flaunt themselves round.

This is coming from the woman who slept around for eight months and you're refering to a woman who shared a kiss with a man. Check your attitude at the door when it comes to this woman and it might help you start getting over it. You did your thing. She did her thing. Your both entitled to do as you please. Your attitude to this woman is way out of line.

Insecure · 08-06-2011 8:49pm

I know what I did was wrong but my man walked out on me out of the blue, it knocked me for six. My views are, I gave him many chances to come back and he wasn't having it, I did what I did cos I was left with no choice but to move on, he moved on because he wanted other women. That is what upset me, I feel like she temporarily replaced me, and the fact his cousin tried to get them together afterwards hurt. I just wish he hadn't have told me, he knows I have confidence issues.

I know I need to get over it, is there anything I can do to learn to ignore the thoughts?

G-Money · 08-06-2011 8:56pm

As others have said OP, and without being blunt, but I think you are just going to have to get over it.

If you look at the facts, you were both single, he kissed one girl and by your own admission, you slept around with a lot of other guys. If anything, I'd say he has more reason to feel upset than you have. I think you mentioned he did something to get back at you which makes me think he's not really ok with you having been with other guys. This could be for any reason, perhaps he just doesn't like the thought of you being with anyone or maybe he wishes he had got his leg over himself seeing you didn't hang about doing the same thing.

I don't think this girl really was flaunting herself about as you mention. It wasn't like she swooped in and tried to break up a perfectly happy marriage. You were both single, so she did nothing wrong and neither did he. The fact that she is a friend of the family is irrelevant. You and him weren't together and for all she knew and him too, it was over for good. You can't really blame a single girl for going after a single guy and somehow expect her to see the future and know that you two are going to get back together.

I'd say you might need to sit down and have a chat with him. If I was a betting man, I'd say he's not that happy with the thought of you sleeping around and it's still bothering him. Probably better to have a frank but calm discussion about it rather than sweeping it under the carpet until such time that it gets brought up in the future during a blazing row.

I'm not him, but I think if I had a break with a girl and I found out she'd been with a load of guys, I wouldn't be in a mad rush to get back with her. But that's just me.

All the best OP.

fghijkl · 08-06-2011 9:00pm

These men meant nothing to me, this girl wanted to see him again but then a week later he tried getting me back.

OP quite honestly it sounds like the only reason you're insecure about this kiss is because you're jealous that this woman wanted to see your boyfriend again and the men you slept with didn't want to see you again.

These men meant nothing to me

Or is it that you meant nothing to them?

Please help, I am so so down and feel ugly although I know I am not and he worships me, I just hate other women like that who flaunt themselves round.

She's not flaunting herself. She fancied your boyfriend when he was single and wanted to see him again. She didn't do anything wrong, she had every right to date him if she wanted. IMHO it sounds like you feel ugly and down because you now realise than your bf found a woman who was interested in pursuing a relationship with him very quickly when you both broke up, but you couldn't find a man as easily/at all.

Sorry if that sounds harsh OP, but honestly i think your insecurity has more to do with your own bruised ego and jealousy than this woman (who has done absolutely nothing wrong)

You really need to cop on and thank your lucky stars that your boyfriend loves you enough to be able to accept you being with other men when you were single and to try and make a go of things.

I know it sounds childish but I just need to know am I being daft worrying over 1 kiss in 8 months?

It's beyond childish tbh
Carry on behaving like you are and you're going to drive him away for good. He has done nothing wrong and neither has she.

Insecure · 08-06-2011 9:05pm

Thank you.

Your post made me realise my attitude towards my own behaviour is wrong. I was saying I had every right to do it, which I had, but obviously the fiercely faithful girl he once had now has a 'reputation'. I did tell him though that I only did it to try and forget it all.

I feel blessed we are back together. So does he. He went into depression realising what he did, he even did stupid things thinking like 'if I touch/do this, I will get her back' like a superstitious kind of thing. I know he is mad about me and it is my fault he went with her because I got nasty in the end saying I never want to speak to him again, he thought it was over for good and he said himself he didn't sit there saying no to her cos he thought, hang on, we are getting back together next week. I know I am being stupid, but I just need to get it out of my head. I am just so annoyed he felt he had to tell me, although I understand cos of what he knows about me. If only I could turn back time.

The break did us good. We were suffocating each other and needed the time apart, I should be grateful he 'experimented' with another woman whilst we were apart than wondering if the grass was greener whilst we were together. In his words, the kiss was '****' cos it wasn't me, he said we are soulmates and even me laying in his arms feels so right.

I am a friend · 09-06-2011 10:44am

Firstly what issues have your family and friends with regard your past with him?

Insecure wrote: »

Please help, I am so so down and feel ugly although I know I am not and he worships me

This is a bigger issue than your relationship... It looks like you need personal counselling for your insecurity issues...

Insecure wrote: »

I just hate other women like that who flaunt themselves round.

Eh hem? Double standards maybe? he kissed one girl - you slept around...

Sleepy · 09-06-2011 2:27pm

You slept around because you wanted to / decided to.

Start accepting responsibility for your actions and this time around you might have the maturity to be in a relationship.

Insecure · 10-06-2011 10:01am

Hi all, I've had a long think and realised, especially after reading your replies, I am being extremely childish and selfish, he has a lot more on his mind. He said last night he did it cos he was missing me, drunk and upset about what I had done. I am just going to have to get some confidence and grow up. It.just feels like he cheated because we had 3 years behind us and now we are back together so it feels like he did it whilst we were together.

I am a friend · 10-06-2011 10:04am

He didnt cheat so move on, work on your own confidence and give his head some peace.... HE DID NOTHING WRONG..

Wompa1 · 10-06-2011 10:49am

You are being irrational. Personally if I split from a girl and found out she had been with LOTS of guys it would certainly make her less attractive to me, no matter what she claims as her excuse. But only because I find that to be unattractive behaviour..just my personal taste. I think a lot of people do. You should be thankful your b/f doesn't if it's him you want

How to get over his past/stopping being so insecure

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