The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a pint of ale.
He didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager.
He didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's.
Nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast , Ireland 's finest. He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so ****-faced I could hardly push his pram back home.

The children got very upset when I told them I had put ginger in the curry. They loved that cat.

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.

Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.

The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.

Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.

The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thingamabob.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.

The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'.

And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.

And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.

The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'

'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey b*stard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'

I've named my dog 'Moloko' so if it ever gets lost I know someone will bring it back...

I asked my barber to give me a haircut like Tom Cruise.

So he put a cushion on the seat.

Just saw Elvis in B&Q.

Returned a sander.