The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

3 old lads discussing what they hate about getting old.
1st Lad. I hate that I have a piss every morning at 6.00. Its so early
2nd Lad I hate that I have a **** every morning at 7.00. Its so early

3rd Lad. I hate that I have a **** every morning at 8.00 and a piss every morning at 8.30.

"8.00 and 8.30." say the other two lads " whats wrong with that?"

3rd Lad. I hate that every morning I dont wake until 9.00

EMPLOYEE NOTICE

Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of **** they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your TD, who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner." The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner." The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper." Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."

Everything's bigger in Texas, you have to stay two miles away from everybody at the store.

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I found myself at the Pessimists' Club, somebody was telling me, "you don't even get one chance to make a first impression."

byrner88 wrote: »

I went to a cafe this morning and I regret ordering the All-Day-Breakfast.

Almost 8 hours it took me to finish it.

Reminds me of the time I was in London for my friends stag and we went into a cafe. Split ourselves laughing when I pointed out the sign ‘All Day Breakfast - Finished at 3’.

Two atoms walking down the road.
First atom - I've lost an electron!
Second atom - Are you sure?
First atom - I'm positive!

Two dogs and a cat appeared in heaven and were seeking admission. God Himself decided to hear their appeal from His judgement seat.

The St Bernard said "I was a valued rescue dog and helped find those nuns after the avalanche."

"Fine then, you're in," said God.

The collie said, "I was always faithful to my master and brought the family together when they were down."

"Sounds wonderful," said God. "Welcome."

Then it was the cat's turn. "Why should we let you in?" asked God.

"Well actually, I think you're in my chair."

How


I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?' Again, they all answered 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.

My wife told me she was leaving me because I was too clingy.

"Ok," I said, "I'll come with you."

Absolutely disgusting behaviour down in our local park earlier today. I was on the path and saw a bloke and some woman having an almighty argument in front of loads of kids. Suddenly the woman smacked the bloke in the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and had to take his truncheon to the bloke who promptly snatched it off him and began assaulting the copper and the woman with the truncheon! Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages!

If Jon Bon Jovi married Bonnie Tyler, Bon Iver, Bono, and Simon Le Bon, his name would become Jon Bonnie Bono Le Bon Bon Bon Jovi...

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.
The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair.
She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.
I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."
So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"
"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.
The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."
"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."
"I know," he said.... "but the ****in darts team hadn't!