Louis Theroux - Mothers on the Edge

iamwhoiam wrote: »

In all fairness doing a Ph D may well be stressful , but in the grandscheme of things is it one of the most streesful things ?
Then I have years of experience of mothers who have seriousely sick children on Oncology wards with three or four other kids to look after and organise
They have no choice to handle that stress and carry on .
Mothers who juggle four kids while looking after a highly dependent child with multiple needs .
Mothers who struggle with very ill health and in pain and yet get three or four kids out to school washed , dressed and fed
They are all incredible amazing women who do this daily , weekly, yearly

Fair play to the women who did a PhD and not taking away from it but is it really up there in the grand scheme of stress ?
Maybe it was for her and she had serious struggles . I can't judge that on what we know about her though

I think we can actually judge her on what we know about her, and society does, which is kinda the point in making a documentary about the hidden mental torture behind mothers who feel like they aren’t meeting society’s expectations of bonding with their children and all the “positive” (for want of a better word) stereotypes.

Even in your own post above, it’s unintentional on your part because I don’t think you do it deliberately, but you’re able to relate to women whom you see as suffering incredibly and how they manage in spite of their suffering. A woman achieving a PhD? Nah, hardly all that stressful, is it? Not in those words exactly, but you’re playing it down because you don’t imagine she experienced a whole lot of suffering, and if you can’t see it, you can’t make a judgment as to whether or not she is worthy of the same praise you heaped upon the mothers whom you do see suffering.

One of the reasons I won’t watch programmes like the documentary in question (and there are many reasons besides just Theroux’s insincerity and hamming it up for the cameras to evoke emotion in his audience), is because my wife went through it when our child was born. She still goes through it today 14 years later, but in recent years she was incredibly fortunate to have a psychiatrist whom she is able to relate to in ways we simply couldn’t relate to each other and the difference in her mood, her attitude, her outlook on life and her relationship with our son and even our relationship (we’re separated now but things are working out much better for everyone involved) has improved measurably.

I can say fair play to her, and I can say fair play to a woman for achieving a PhD, I don’t compare them, because they aren’t comparable. I often get the feeling that some women regard motherhood as a competitive sport, and I can understand why they do it, because they learn from the society they grow up in that no matter what else they achieve in life, they as women will always be defined by their ability to reproduce and nurture their children. When they don’t have that instant connection during pregnancy it’s tough. When they give birth and they’re still not feeling something they expected to experience all their lives, then things can turn to shìt really really fast, because in their minds they have failed at the most fundamental thing that is supposedly innate in every woman - the ability to bond with and nurture those who are regarded as the most vulnerable in society.

No, I'm not going to accept that all stress is equally awful : studying and working and/or raising children is stressful, and some people may even break down under the strain, but theres a huge difference between anything that you have chosen to do, and can stop at any point as well, and something like a cancer diagnosis for you or someone you're caring for. The person can't just get up one morning and say "That's it I've had enough" - and they know they can't. And that makes all the difference.

I know all sorts of things play into a breakdown, so I'm not dismissing that in any way. Once it happens, it has to be coped with whatever the cause. But I don't think it's fair to say that that means the two situations are the same. As I imagine you probably know from your own experience as the partner or ex partner of someone who was unable to care for themselves at some point.

Feisar wrote: »

My wife is pregnant, at one of the appointments there was a part that I wasn't in with her for. She was asked was she safe in her home, apparently standard a question. Fair enough I'm not the patient in their care however my unborn son is. Surely they should have asked me how she was coping, is she drinking or smoking.

No your wife is the patient until your son is born.