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A true story about me. (Memories)

  • 29-01-2012 11:36am
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 8,551 ✭✭✭Rubecula


    This is true.

    Some years ago I left the confines of my home city of Liverpool to live in Wales. The opposite side of Wales to England, and Liverpool. As I was moving because of work after being long term unemployed, I had little money and couldn't afford removal companies to help me. Si I decided that I could save money by doing it myself. I borrowed my Brother in law off my sister for the dumb muscle and hired the biggest, hugest vehicle I could legally drive. It was a monster. Not an articulated wagon, but just as big as many of them.

    We loaded it up in Liverpool, which took a few hours, and set off on the journey. I had great fun driving the monstrous beast (Mercedes I think it was) I enjoyed it so much that I forgot all about the 'governer' which would not let me drive at over 60 MPH, and had my foot down all the way. Even going up and down the hills. This had a disastrous effect on the fuel consumption.

    By the time we arrived at my new home, the wagon was gasping on fumes and needed a refuel (Had to drive the damn thing back to Liverpool where I had hired it from.) So we quickly unloaded, basically just throwing stuff into the house, it was dark by this time, and went to find a fuel station.

    The nearest one I knew of was a local Shell station, which was on the main (and only road) across the island) This was a vital road link as all the traffic heading to Ireland had to travel along it, as well as all the supplies for the island, and of course also used by the local inhabitants.

    It is important to remember that in the dark and under yellow lighting, that the colour green looks very like black. Shell stationa had yellow lighting and yellow lit advertising, Diesel is in black pumps and petrol (gasoline) is in green pumps. I chose the wrong pump.

    The man who owned the Shell station had a display of flowers for sale outside the office, narrowing the space to the nearest fuel pump, which unfortunately, was the petrol one.

    So was it really my fault the wagon was too big to fit through the gap?

    I heard a crunch and looking in the mirror was horrified to see that I had clipped the first pump in the row. I could not reverse out due to a ramp. All I could do was press on through and hope no damage would be done. I was wrong. Four fuel pumps, Two stanchions, and a concrete plinth later, I had totalled the Shell garage. Of course being an honest citizen I pulled over to one side to survey the damage, and my brother in law hid under the dashboard out of sheer panic.

    I went to the office to apologise and try to explain. The cashier was hopping up and down behind his window, screaming. At this point I decided things were not going too well, and when the cashier got on the phone to his boss, I thought I may need police protection. So I phoned the police to come and rescue me.

    Unfortunately as I say this was on the main road so it was exceedingly busy, especially with the Irish ferry in port. Sadly, next door to the Shell station was an old disused hospital in the process of demolition, so to allow machinery in and out there was a temporary traffic light set up.

    The police duly arrived, and in the process of the police coming over to interview me, the traffic lights changed to red. Car drivers were rubbernecking to see the maniac who had written off the fuel station. AND they didn't take note of the traffic lights. The resulting pile up outside the Shell garage caused a number of things.

    1) it blocked the road thereby almost shutting the entire island down.

    2) it made the policeman say words not repeatable here.

    3) it made my brother in law scream.

    The policeman radioed through to HQ. About twenty minutes later there was the fire brigade to contain the RIVER of escaped fuel (mostly from damaged vehicle which had tailended each other) A fleet of police reinforcements to help the maddened crowd, and also a lot of ambulances to aid the injured and badly shocked folks in the cars.

    My words. "OMG this is all my fault"
    Policeman's words. "Yes it is"
    Shell station owners words. Something in Welsh about Englishmen.

    After the dust had settled, I asked if I could still get served. I was refused. But I needed fuel to get back to Liverpool, so I got a police escort to the nearby ESSO station.

    While I was in the queue to pay, I heard the following:

    "Lots of flashing lights out there, I have seen ambulances, fire engines, and police cars rushing up the road."

    "Yes mate, apparently there was a terrorist attack on the Shell garage up the road."

    "Really??"

    "Yes they say it was probably an IRA attack."

    "Good Gawd did they get them?"

    "I think they escaped and are fully armed with all kinds of weapons."

    I kept very quiet and paid my fuel bill when my turn came. Drove home without a single word from my Brother in law. When my sister got home that night from work, he was already in bed and hiding under the blankets, mumbling "Oh dear god, oh dear god." to himself.

    About three months later I paid a visit to my Aunt in Llandudno ( a holiday resort in North Wales) and she introduced me to her new neighbour.

    We recognised each other while we were being introduced. His words were "******* **** ***** it's you."

    He was the policeman who had arrived at the scene.

    Strange how folks around here still remind me of this incident.

    We do laugh.............. not.


«1345678

Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 12,631 ✭✭✭✭OldGoat


    Kudos sir. Shutting down the isle of Anglsea is no mean feat.

    I'm older than Minecraft goats.



  • Registered Users Posts: 2,683 ✭✭✭Carpenter


    That was great:D


  • Registered Users Posts: 583 ✭✭✭PandyAndy


    I don't post here at all but that story was brilliant :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,551 ✭✭✭Rubecula


    Just to add to the story, the estimated cost was reckoned to be in the order of £100,000. And all I had wanted to do was to save money!

    Never again, never again.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,882 ✭✭✭JuliusCaesar


    :eek:






    and



    :eek:





    Great story! Glad it didn't happen to me!


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,108 ✭✭✭Jellybaby1


    What an amazing story, but so many questions. What did the truck rental company say, did you have to pay any damages, did the insurance cover it, was it on the TV news, were you up before the beak??? Really, really great story. I have that sense of humour that appreciates it thoroughly! But, yes I also feel sorry for you too, pewer oul thing trying to save a few bob, it couldn't have gone more wrong, could it?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 34,419 ✭✭✭✭hondasam


    That made me laugh so much.
    You are the reason I missed the ferry that night, fecking englishmen :p


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,551 ✭✭✭Rubecula


    Jellybaby1 wrote: »
    What an amazing story, but so many questions. What did the truck rental company say, did you have to pay any damages, did the insurance cover it, was it on the TV news, were you up before the beak??? Really, really great story. I have that sense of humour that appreciates it thoroughly! But, yes I also feel sorry for you too, pewer oul thing trying to save a few bob, it couldn't have gone more wrong, could it?

    The owner of the rental company said some awful things as it happens. I had to pay the insurance, not the full cost of the damages. It came to something over £500 I think (not sure now) No iwas not up in court and I have yet to see any of the CCTV coverage on the telly.
    hondasam wrote: »
    That made me laugh so much.
    You are the reason I missed the ferry that night, fecking englishmen :p

    That's right blame me, no sympathy at all is there? I told you all the story so I could get a hug. On second thoughts don't. There was this other incident when a girlfriend was in my car with me ......... but that is a story for another day ;)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,108 ✭✭✭Jellybaby1


    Aw, tell it now, pleeeeeze!


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,551 ✭✭✭Rubecula


    OK quick short version.

    You know those big Volvo estates the police used to drive around in in the UK? The indestructible ones with the suped up engines?

    I was on my first date with my girlfriend of the time, here on Anglesey, and we went to a pub for a meal. Nice place, very popular. In fact too popular. The police were there doing spot checks.

    Anyway I drove into the car park, girl at my side, and the car park was full. I went all around it but no parking spot.

    I had to reverse out. Couldn't really ask her to get out of the car and watch me out could I?

    So I turned my head to look over my shoulder to reverse out, and put my arm around the back of her seat, as you do.

    She thought I was trying for a quick kiss, and responded eagerly, by grabbing my head in both hands and proceeding to lick my tonsils.

    The surprise (nay shock) caught me off guard and my hand spun the sterring wheel as I was reversing. Straight into the police car, tearing the front of it right off.

    "Dear me " says I, "That is a bit unfortunate, you silly girl."

    (Words to that effect anyway)

    Luckily the police were inside the pub. So I jumped out and lifted the front of the Volvo back up and rested it in place. Got in the car and drove to the next pub.

    No I am not still seeing her.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,882 ✭✭✭JuliusCaesar


    That's very funny! You're unfortunate - but they're brilliant stories! :D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 14,144 ✭✭✭✭Cicero


    Rubecula..I think you've become chief story teller of O & O...keep em coming...:D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,108 ✭✭✭Jellybaby1


    :D:D:D:D Do you still drive, then?


  • Registered Users Posts: 371 ✭✭Teagwee


    Hilarious - any more? I needed that laugh :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,551 ✭✭✭Rubecula


    Some years ago when I still lived in Liverpool, I obtained tickets for a motorcycle show held in Manchester. The sort of show where the manufactureres tried to get people interested in their products. Quite big and a bit posh on the day I went.

    It was held close to the railway station (G-Mex Centre??? Not sure now)

    Great show really enjoyed it and I stayed there all day trying out bikes for size.

    Anyway I had gone by train as it was easier to get there that way, so obviously I traveled home by train too.

    I got to the station just as my train was leaving. The next one was not for another hour, so I settled down to wait. After a while I realised I was getting a bit peckish and went to find something to eat. They were selling sandwiches at a small kiosk, and I bought one. Ends were curling up a bit, but food is food.

    I returned to the bench with my prize in hand ready to munch away. I unwrapped it and it didn't seem too bad. Opened my mouth to pop it in and take a bite, when I heard this odd noise.

    Sounded like screaming and howling, and it was coming from somewhere up above. Mouth still open I leaned back and looked up. This was my big mistake.

    Up on the girders were two pigeons, indulging in what we can delicately describe as reproduction actions. They were making a hell of a noise as they got 'down to business'

    Then one of these fat arsed little rats with wings opened it's bowels and let fly.

    As I said I was below all this. A stream of hot pigeon poo came down in a steaming stream to land on my face. All over my glasses, dripping off my face and (yeuk) filling my open mouth.

    GAAAAHHHHHHH!

    Trying to swear and keep my mouth open to let it come out was very difficult. I ran to the toilets calling them all the dirty b*stards going. Over the sink I threw my glasses in the stream of water to get them clean and tried to wash my mouth out. I think I drank and swilled about a gallon of hot water. Totally ignoring the fact there was a notice saying "Not Suitable as drinking water."

    Not sure how long I was there for coughing, spluttering and saying rude words about pigeons.

    Finally, I left the toilets, wretching and feeling quite frankly, bloody sick. Got to the platform, in time to see the train pulling out of the station, and two fat pigeons destroying my sandwich.

    Some guy walked past and said. "Did you know you got pigeon **** on you?"

    ARRRRRGH!


  • Registered Users Posts: 371 ✭✭Teagwee


    :D You should write a book, Rubecula.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,108 ✭✭✭Jellybaby1


    :D:DDitto!


  • Registered Users Posts: 56 ✭✭rebelwoman


    oh dear I cant wait for the next story. Please dont stop. Hilarious:D:D


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,551 ✭✭✭Rubecula


    I have always liked motorbikes from as early as I can remember. One of my 'uncles' used to race professionally in the 1940's and 50's. Anyway for my 50th birthday I tried to get all kinds of things sorted for the "big one" and all plans fell apart. Eventually I decided to go for broke and bought myself a bike (for the first time in decades) I bought a Yamaha XVS 1100 A for those in the know. (I bought myself a big bike for those not in the know)

    Test drive:
    Start, stall, go red with embarrassment.
    Start, stall, go even redder.
    Start, fistful of throttle, scream in terro at the approaching brick wall, get it round by the skin of me teeth, nearly fill me pants.

    Buy the bike.

    I had the ideal place to park it at home. The built on bit at the side where it would be under cover and well protected. Wrong!

    The place was too small to get the bike in. Unfortunate mistake but it could happen to anyone, so take it back onto the road, well no room to turn around. Had to pull it backwards up the slope. Gawd I wish it had been a moped by this time. I could not budge it. I strained and strained but simply could not move it up the slope. Maybe, (I thought) it would be easier from the other side. Very carefully I got myself around the other side and began to pull again. It moved! But not quite the way I had planned. It first rolled forward about an inch, then fell on top of me.

    My fall was cushioned by my rose bush, The massive thorns tearing through my trousers (and me arse). Gawd it is amazing the strength you have with two inch long thorns in yer bum. I lifted the bloody bike off me. Almost carryied it to the road, and stood there full of anger, with me backside on full view to the neighbourhood and my trousers hanging from my rose bush.

    Not long afterwards, I went for a ride on the bike, and just up the road by abouty 50 yards in the entrance to a resident's carpark. I was only doing about 10 mph or so as I approached it. A car driven by a wild feckless 'yoof' came flying out of the car park straight at me. I fell off.

    Not a big deal, no harm to the bike, no harm to me. Apart from the fact it is a big bike, and my boot was trapped underneath it with my foot still inside and the exhaust burning my leg. Neighbours (bless them) came running over, young lad was crying thinking that as I wasn't moving I was dead. (I wasn't moving cos I couldn't)

    The neighbours lifted the bike up slipped my boot off and I got free. Thanked everyone, and sat on the curb to put my boot on. I then leaned back on the grass thinking that it had been a bit close for comfort.

    Just then "Nee Naa Nee Naa" An ambulance arrived. Some kind person had phoned in the accident.

    "I am ok just a little fall is all."

    "No it isn't don't move. You may have a broken neck."

    "No seriously I am fine just fell off."

    "LIE STILL! AND DON'T TALK!!"

    "But...."

    Next thing I was tied down to a stretcher and being hoiked into the back of an ambulance. I was being kidnapped by body snatchers incorporated. Then they started jabbing me with needles.

    Police arrived and took statements (the car driver was given a hard time apparently)

    The followed the ambulance to the hospital, with me still in it. As you know I live on the island of Anglesey, the hospital is on the mainland.

    Whizzed into A&E and placed on a trolley in an almost upright position, still strapped into the stretcher with a neck brace on. The observation light was on and shone right in my face like some kind of gestapo interrogation.

    Four hours later and practically blind by the light, the nurse came in and said:
    "Right, I am going to cut your leathers off, it won't hurt."

    I said:
    "**** OFF, let me out of this madhouse. There is nothing wrong with me."

    "The doctor will decide that. where does it hurt?"

    "My wallet, these leathers cost a bleedin mint. And get that light out of my face fer gawdsd sake. Please... Please?"

    The police then returned breathalised me and said "You are in the clear."

    The doctor came, laughed and said "You are in the clear, you can go."

    I was let out, still in me leathers (phew) but on the mainland, no money, no phone and no bike. It took me all night to get home, and when I did my mate said he had moved my bike at the police request and put it on the garden.

    Nose down against the built in bit next to the bloody rose bush.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,108 ✭✭✭Jellybaby1


    :D:D:D:D Rubecula, are you still allowed out on your own?

    Y'know, I think you are a writer and your pen name is Rubecula. Tell the truth, now!


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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,781 ✭✭✭clappyhappy


    They are such funny stories, I was nearly expecting to read that the bike was stolen when you got back. Brilliant, keep them coming!!!


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,551 ✭✭✭Rubecula


    Jellybaby1 wrote: »
    :D:D:D:D Rubecula, are you still allowed out on your own?

    Y'know, I think you are a writer and your pen name is Rubecula. Tell the truth, now!

    I sometimes wish I could write, maybe make enough to get out of the job I am in now.

    (But if I did that I would have no stories to tell would I? LOL)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,108 ✭✭✭Jellybaby1


    Whaaat!!! You've got a JOB!! Flippin' lucky sod!!


  • Registered Users Posts: 371 ✭✭Teagwee


    Great stories! BTW, you ARE a writer and have a great talent for incorporating humour. I can see the book now: The Life and Times of Rubecula. It might have to be classified as fiction though ... :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,551 ✭✭✭Rubecula


    Thanks for the compliment Teagwee, very kind of you.

    Must dredge my memory for a few more episodes in my rather mundane and uneventful life.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,953 ✭✭✭aujopimur


    Rubecula wrote: »
    I have always liked motorbikes from as early as I can remember. One of my 'uncles' used to race professionally in the 1940's and 50's. Anyway for my 50th birthday I tried to get all kinds of things sorted for the "big one" and all plans fell apart. Eventually I decided to go for broke and bought myself a bike (for the first time in decades) I bought a Yamaha XVS 1100 A for those in the know. (I bought myself a big bike for those not in the know)

    Test drive:
    Start, stall, go red with embarrassment.
    Start, stall, go even redder.
    Start, fistful of throttle, scream in terro at the approaching brick wall, get it round by the skin of me teeth, nearly fill me pants.

    Buy the bike.

    I had the ideal place to park it at home. The built on bit at the side where it would be under cover and well protected. Wrong!

    The place was too small to get the bike in. Unfortunate mistake but it could happen to anyone, so take it back onto the road, well no room to turn around. Had to pull it backwards up the slope. Gawd I wish it had been a moped by this time. I could not budge it. I strained and strained but simply could not move it up the slope. Maybe, (I thought) it would be easier from the other side. Very carefully I got myself around the other side and began to pull again. It moved! But not quite the way I had planned. It first rolled forward about an inch, then fell on top of me.

    My fall was cushioned by my rose bush, The massive thorns tearing through my trousers (and me arse). Gawd it is amazing the strength you have with two inch long thorns in yer bum. I lifted the bloody bike off me. Almost carryied it to the road, and stood there full of anger, with me backside on full view to the neighbourhood and my trousers hanging from my rose bush.

    Not long afterwards, I went for a ride on the bike, and just up the road by abouty 50 yards in the entrance to a resident's carpark. I was only doing about 10 mph or so as I approached it. A car driven by a wild feckless 'yoof' came flying out of the car park straight at me. I fell off.

    Not a big deal, no harm to the bike, no harm to me. Apart from the fact it is a big bike, and my boot was trapped underneath it with my foot still inside and the exhaust burning my leg. Neighbours (bless them) came running over, young lad was crying thinking that as I wasn't moving I was dead. (I wasn't moving cos I couldn't)

    The neighbours lifted the bike up slipped my boot off and I got free. Thanked everyone, and sat on the curb to put my boot on. I then leaned back on the grass thinking that it had been a bit close for comfort.

    Just then "Nee Naa Nee Naa" An ambulance arrived. Some kind person had phoned in the accident.

    "I am ok just a little fall is all."

    "No it isn't don't move. You may have a broken neck."

    "No seriously I am fine just fell off."

    "LIE STILL! AND DON'T TALK!!"

    "But...."

    Next thing I was tied down to a stretcher and being hoiked into the back of an ambulance. I was being kidnapped by body snatchers incorporated. Then they started jabbing me with needles.

    Police arrived and took statements (the car driver was given a hard time apparently)

    The followed the ambulance to the hospital, with me still in it. As you know I live on the island of Anglesey, the hospital is on the mainland.

    Whizzed into A&E and placed on a trolley in an almost upright position, still strapped into the stretcher with a neck brace on. The observation light was on and shone right in my face like some kind of gestapo interrogation.

    Four hours later and practically blind by the light, the nurse came in and said:
    "Right, I am going to cut your leathers off, it won't hurt."

    I said:
    "**** OFF, let me out of this madhouse. There is nothing wrong with me."

    "The doctor will decide that. where does it hurt?"

    "My wallet, these leathers cost a bleedin mint. And get that light out of my face fer gawdsd sake. Please... Please?"

    The police then returned breathalised me and said "You are in the clear."

    The doctor came, laughed and said "You are in the clear, you can go."

    I was let out, still in me leathers (phew) but on the mainland, no money, no phone and no bike. It took me all night to get home, and when I did my mate said he had moved my bike at the police request and put it on the garden.

    Nose down against the built in bit next to the bloody rose bush.


    I had the same idea about 10yrs. ago so I borrowed a bike, after about 20 mins. and some of your experiences, I discovered tha I had lost my biking nerve and retreated to the reletive safety of 4 wheels.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 14,144 ✭✭✭✭Cicero


    Keep em coming Rube....:)


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,882 ✭✭✭JuliusCaesar


    Rubecula wrote: »
    Must dredge my memory for a few more episodes in my rather mundane and uneventful life.


    :eek:


    :) Keep 'em coming! :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 376 ✭✭LK_Dave


    You Sir, have a gift.....well, lets think of it as a gift!!


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  • Registered Users Posts: 371 ✭✭Teagwee


    Definitely special ;)


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