Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Irish Jokes

  • 15-03-2012 12:00pm
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭


    Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
    the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend
    Finney.
    "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
    Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    Mrs. Murphy was looking for the grave of her late husband (a notorious
    criminal) as it had been a while since she was there. She went to the
    cemetery's management office and said, "I am looking for my husband's
    grave."
    "OK, madam," said the director. "What was his name?"
    "John Murphy," she answered.
    He looked through his large book for quite a time and finally said,
    "Sorry, there are no John Murphys in our cemetery, but there is one Mary
    Murphy."
    The woman brightened up and said, "Of course, that's it! Everything was
    in my name."

    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
    An Irish priest was driving down to New York and got stopped for
    speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smelled alcohol on the
    priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the
    car. He said, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
    "Just water," said the priest.
    The trooper said, "Then why do I smell wine?"
    The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it
    again!"


«13456

Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 29 thedodger


    A man walked into a Melbourne bar and ordered a pint of the dark liquid.
    'Excuse me,' said the only other drinker. 'Is that an Irish accent I detect?'
    'It is, sir. Dublin to be exact.'
    'Bless my soul,' said the first. 'I'm a Dublin man meself. Ballymun to be precise.'
    'Bedad, aren't I from Ballymun meself - Carberry Street in actual fact,' remarked the second.
    'Carberry Street is where I was born and raised meself, and St Joseph's was me parish church, Father Dunne the parish priest.'
    'Didn't I go to nine o'clock mass every Sunday at St Joseph's. What an amazingly small world. Did you go to St Joseph's School?'
    'I did. I was in Miss Slattery's class.'
    'God in heaven. So was I.'
    Just then the phone rang and the Aussie barman said, 'Not too busy at the moment. In fact there's just the Murphy twins here.'


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Murphy says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shaggin' the wife. The whole street was watchin' an' laffin' yesterday. Paddy responds, "Well, the joke's on them...I wasn't even home yesterday!"



    Paddy decides to go rabbit hunting, but when he gets to his favorite field he sees the village priest is already there.

    Paddy watches with fascination as the priest holds his finger over a rabbit hole and immediately a rabbit pops out. The priest grabs it and puts it into a sack.

    He repeats this unusual but very successful technique until his sack is full of rabbits.

    Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does it.

    Easy, says the priest. Put your finger on your wife's pussy and then hold it over a rabbit hole. They can't resist the smell, so when they come out grab them."

    Paddy rushes home to find Maureen bent over scrubbing the floor.

    He lifts up her skirt and applies his finger as directed. Without looking up, Maureen giggles, "Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting again?"


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 29 thedodger


    'Is that the Liverpool Echo?' said Patrick. 'It is.'
    'How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?'
    'Five pounds an inch,' replied the receptionist.
    Too dear!' snapped Patrick.
    'Why? What are you selling?'
    'A ten-foot ladder,' said the Irishman, and banged the phone down.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    A group of Americans was touring Ireland.
    One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining.
    The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible.
    It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.
    The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
    "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said.
    "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it.
    Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
    "We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted.
    "We have some other boring tour to go on.
    So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
    "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
    "And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
    "No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 29 thedodger


    Two Irishmen walking past a Police Station.
    A big poster at the front reads "Two Polish men wanted for rape"
    Paddy turns to Mick and says "Dem Fokkers always get the best jobs".


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled:
    "Mick! I lost me finger!"
    "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
    "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi......
    Darn! There goes another one!"



    Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands.
    The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
    After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye say there?"

    The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"

    Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."


  • Registered Users Posts: 719 ✭✭✭drunk_monk


    Paddy and Seamus were wlaking along the street when they came across two fella's carring bags of salmon.
    "Where did you get them? Asks Paddy
    Sure my mate held me over the bridge and I caught the salmon in my net as they jumped up the river.There's loads of them, it's easy pickings Says the first man.
    "We must try that ourselves" says Paddy to Seamus.
    Sure enough later that day Seasmus was holding Paddy over the bridge who was trying to catch salmon with his net. 20 minutes went by, nothing. 10 minutes later Paddy screams "Seamus quick pull me up!"
    "Why Paddy have you got a salmon?"
    "No there's a fecking train coming!"


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    O'Malley was leaving his favourite bar when he was run over by a bus. He gets to the gates of heaven and St. Peter tells him he cannot enter unless he passes a test. What choice did he have, O'Malley agrees to try as he never was the brightest bulb in the box.
    St. Peter decides to go easy on him, 'What has 5 fingers and is made of black leather?' he asks. O'Malley scratches his head, thinks hard and finally gives up. 'It's a glove says St. Peter.'
    Let's try again. 'What has 10 fingers and is made of black leather?' asks St. Peter. O'Malley is clearly stumped. After a few minutes of pacing in a circle and scratching his head, O'Malley gives up. 'Why it's 2 gloves - don't you see 10 fingers, black leather, says St. Peter amazed.'
    Being in a generous mood, St. Peter decides to give O'Malley yet another chance but thinking of an even easier question. 'Who is the patron Saint of Ireland?' asks St. Peter, thinking he can't miss this.
    'It wouldn't be 3-gloves, would it?' says O'Malley.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.

    He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”

    She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. Me husband passed away last night.”

    The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?”

    She says, “That he did, Father …”

    The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”

    She says, “He said, “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 29 thedodger


    Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is
    barking like mad in the garden.

    Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

    He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did
    you do?'

    Paddy replies 'I've put the dog in our garden, let's see how
    they like it!'


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    A scuffle started in the local one Friday night. Words were exchanged, then insults and finally blows. Bottles, glasses, people, flew through the air and Casey ended up being hit in the face by a sharp piece of glass which cut off his nose.

    'Stick his nose back on and hold it with your hand,' ordered McGinty. 'And we'll get him to the hospital.'

    Out into the street they flew to be greeted by sheets of rain pelting down.

    Quickly they bundled the injured man along and into the casualty department.

    'Will he live?' inquired the boys.

    Too late,' said the doctor, 'he's a goner.'

    'Was it loss of blood?' asked Finbar.

    'No, he drowned. You put his nose on upside down,' sighed the doc.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 29 thedodger




  • Closed Accounts Posts: 29 thedodger


    196613.jpg


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,874 ✭✭✭padma


    How do you fit 16 englishmen in to a mini? Send the gaffer in first and they all follow up his arse


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 29 thedodger


    196620.jpg


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Murphy had asked Casey for the hand of his daughter in wedlock.

    'And can you support a family?' asked Casey.

    'I think so,' replied Murphy.

    'Well. There's six of us, you know,' said the future father-in-law.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 29 thedodger


    A husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's and the man picks up a crate of Stella beer and sticks it in the trolley.
    Wife: "What do you think you're doing?"
    Husband: "They're on offer, 10 quid for 24 cans" he says,
    Wife: "Put them back we can't afford it"
    They carry on shopping and a few aisles down the wife picks up a 20 quid jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.
    Husband: "What do you think you're doing?"
    Wife: "It's my face cream, it makes me look beautiful"
    Husband: "So does 24 cans of Stella & it's half the price!"


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Murphy had studied the facts carefully and had come up with the following conclusions.

    The odds against being on a plane which had a bomb on board were 10,000 to 1.

    However, the odds against being on a plane which had two bombs on board were 10,000,000 to 1.

    'That settles it,' he said. 'From now on, every time I fly I'm taking a bomb with me!'


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."

    "No, don't do that" says Mick ”have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world, moaned Betty McGrath.
    I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.



    A Corkman was charged with murder but was acquitted by the skin of his teeth. Afterwards he told his lawyer that he could prove he was innocent because he was in jail at the time the crime was committed.
    'Why on earth didn't you tell that to the court?' asked his lawyer.
    'I thought that it might prejudice the jury against me', said the Corkman.



    'My long lost brother is returning on Sunday. I haven't seen him since he left Ireland thirty years ago,' said Mick. 'He wrote to say he'll be arriving at Shannon airport at eight in the morning.'

    'If he's been away that long,' asked Sean, 'how will you recognise him?'

    'I won't,' reasoned Mick. 'But he'll recognise me cos I've never been away at all.


  • Advertisement
  • Closed Accounts Posts: 29 thedodger


    Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
    The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
    Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we’d drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.”
    The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
    Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way … ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss. "Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says, “Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me … I’ve quit drinking!”


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Pat and Jimmy-Joe met and one said to the other,

    "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?"

    Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."

    His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?"

    Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan,
    and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...
    it was neither of us."


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 29 thedodger


    Mick, from Dublin , appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
    “You’ve done very well so far,” said Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter,
    “but for a million euros you’ve only got one life-line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?”
    “Sure,” said Mick. “I’ll have a go!”
    “Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? ”
    a) Sparrow
    b) Thrush,
    c) Magpie,
    d) Cuckoo?”
    “I haven’t got a clue..” said Mick, ”So I’ll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin …”
    Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
    “Hell, Mick!” cried Paddy. “Dat’s simple it’s a cuckoo.”
    “Are you sure?”
    “I’m sure.”
    Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, “I’ll go with cuckoo as my answer.”
    “Is that your final answer?” asked Chris.
    “Dat it is.”
    There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million euros!”
    The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
    “Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”
    “Because he lives in a clock!”


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,069 ✭✭✭✭fryup


    I see its english fellas that are posting jokes about the irish :mad:


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    fryup wrote: »
    I see its english fellas that are posting jokes about the irish :mad:
    internet_memes_siri_boil_me_some_pasta.jpg


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
    looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
    His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
    his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
    "What happenedto you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
    " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
    "Thatlittle guy, O'Conner," says Sean,
    "He couldn't do that to you,
    he must have had something in his hand."
    "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
    and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
    " Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
    didn't you have something in your hand?"
    That I did," said Paddy.
    "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
    beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    The farmer whittled the stick as the tourist approached him. 'How long to get to the nearest town, Paddy?' came the nasal enquiry from the rich American.
    The farmer continued to whittle and started to whistle too.
    'I said how long to get to the nearest town, Paddy?'
    No reply. Just whistle and whittle.
    'Gee, Paddy, I've been a walkin' all day. Couldn't you just tell me how aw heck, what's the use,' and the American walked away from the farmer in disgust. He had gone about a hundred yards when the farmer called him back. Exasperated, the American returned.
    'It will take you about an hour,' said the farmer.
    'Gee, thanks Paddy. But why didn't you tell me that in the first place?'
    'Had to see how fast you could walk first,' said the farmer.




    Mick the farmer chatted with the new curate who had been a school-mate of his. The farmer told him of how he had been an acrobat in the circus fora few years before going back to the land. The priest looked at his watch and said, 'there'll hardly be any more for confession tonight, I'll just stand here and you show me some of the tricks you used do in the circus.' The farmer performed a few elaborate cartwheels, handstands and finished up balancing himself on the tabernacle on one hand. Just at this stage two late-coming penitents arrived into the church and saw the farmer in the peculiar pose. One became most distressed and said, 'will you look at the penances he's giving. Ill have to go back home and put on my pantees.'


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    A Corkman and a Kerryman were boasting about the advanced technology that had been used by their respective ancestors. 'During a recent excavation of an ancient Cork castle', said the Corkman, 'miles of cable were discovered, proving that Corkmen were Using the telegraph hundreds of years ago'. 'That's nothing', said the Kerryman, 'underneath an ancient Kerry castle they found no cable at all, proving that Kerrymen were communicating with each other by radio, when Corkmen were still using the telegraph'.




    One Kerryman met another carrying a bag on his back.
    'What's in the bag?' asked the first Kerryman.
    'I won't tell you', said the second.
    'Go on, do'.
    'All right then, it's ducks'.
    'If I guess how many ducks you have in the bag, will you give me one of them?'
    'Look', said the second Kerryman, 'if you guess the correct number, I'll give you both of them'.
    'Five', said the first Kerryman.



    As a birthday treat Pat had taken his fiancee out for a meal at a very smart restaurant. The menu looked rather too expensive for Pat's pocket so he gradually whittled down the lady's choice to chicken and salad.

    'That'll be £38 sir,' smiled the waiter.

    'Thirty-eight pounds,' said Pat. 'Sure we've only had chicken and salad.'

    'Yes, sir,' explained the waiter, 'but you've had chicken breasts. There's only one breast on a bird so we've had to kill two birds to serve you.'

    Mumbling to himself Pat reluctantly paid the money just as his lady friend said:

    'Why don't we have a cocktail? I fancy a horse's neck.'

    'Well,' said Pat. I'll have the legs. They're not killing two horses!'


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 29 thedodger




  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 6,912 ✭✭✭Bootup


    A golfer was on vacation in Ireland and while playing he made a hole-in-one. With that a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, "I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I'll grant you any wish."

    The player thought a bit and said, "Could you make me wiener a bit larger?"

    Well, by the time he got to the 14th tee it was showin' below his shorts. He continued his game and on the 15th hole it was draggin' along behind him. By the 18th he could hardly make it to the green.

    He went straight to the pro shop and asked the pro how to fix it. He was told that legend has it that you must go back and make another ace and see the leprechaun again. After purchasing five buckets of balls he made his way back to the 13th and frantically began hitting shot after shot until finally he made the hole-in-one. Again the leprechaun offered any wish.

    The player asked, "Could ya make me legs a bit longer?"


Advertisement