The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

brandon_flowers · 24-02-2011 11:59pm

You need a bit of agricultural background for this one.

Old Johnny walks into his local and goes to the stool where he sits every night for his quiet few pints. He finds a small Chinese man sitting in his chair and says “Can you get off my stool please?” The Chinese man refuses and Johnny proceeds to tell him “My grandfather sta in that stool every night until he died, and my father sat there every night after that until he died and I will sit there every night until I die” The Chinese man again refuses to get up. Old Johnny grabs the Chinese man but in a flash Johnny is on the ground with a burst nose.

The Chinese man calls over the barman and says “When he-a wake up-a you tell him that was-a Kung Fu chop”

The following night Johnny comes in with the nose bandaged up and the Chinese man is in his seat again. The same thing happens with Johnny giving his story and the Chinese man refuses. Old Johnny goes to grab the Chinese man again but Johnny is on the ground again in seconds.

The Chinese man calls over the barman and says “When he-a wake up-a you tell him that was-a Kung Fu kick”

There is no sign of Johnny for a few days until he comes in again with a big long trench coat on. The Chinese man is sitting on his stool so Johnny goes and sits in the corner quietly sipping a pint. Johnny waits for the Chinese man to go to the toilet and then follows him in, There is a fierce racket being made in the toilets like everything is being pulled off the wall and the ceiling is falling in.

After a few minutes Old Johnny comes out, goes over to the barman and says “Tell that bollox when he wakes up that was the top link off a 165”

older i get better i was · 25-02-2011 12:36am

If the "samaritans" really gave a fcuk they'd ring you first!!!

Gran Hermano · 25-02-2011 1:17am

My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife said, "They can't multi-taskk, ypu know like do do two things at once."

At this, I interrupted and said, "Actually I can!"

"Give me an example," she replied.

"Well, while I was shagging you last night, I was thinking about your friend."

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick ****e... How about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some twat in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

--Kaiser-- · 25-02-2011 12:01pm

brandon_flowers wrote: »

After a few minutes Old Johnny comes out, goes over to the barman and says “Tell that bollox when he wakes up that was the top link off a 165”

A what?

Coriolanus · 25-02-2011 12:12pm

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

A what?

I think its farmspeak. Probably a type of tractor or something.

--Kaiser-- · 25-02-2011 12:22pm

Nevore wrote: »

I think its farmspeak. Probably a type of tractor or something.

Ah! A Massey Ferguson 165 no doubt
http://www.dumelow.co.uk/MF165.jpg

Coriolanus · 26-02-2011 1:00am

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Ah! A Massey Ferguson 165 no doubt
http://www.dumelow.co.uk/MF165.jpg

There we go!
See, we know what the country kids are into!

Stu · 26-02-2011 3:17am

Regarding men not being able to multitask, i can and do on a daily basis. For example, yesterday evening i was having a **** with 1 hand, moving my mouse through various different porn movies on porntube with the other hand and watching Rangers v Sporting Lisbon in the Europa League all at the same time. Mind you i tried to pick up a cup of tea while doing the other 3 and nearly spilled the tea all over my cock. So, i can multitask to a point but i'm not a fookin octopus ladies.

Galway K9 · 26-02-2011 3:51am

Stu wrote: »

Regarding men not being able to multitask, i can and do on a daily basis. For example, yesterday evening i was having a **** with 1 hand, moving my mouse through various different porn movies on porntube with the other hand and watching Rangers v Sporting Lisbon in the Europa League all at the same time. Mind you i tried to pick up a cup of tea while doing the other 3 and nearly spilled the tea all over my cock. So, i can multitask to a point but i'm not a fookin octopus ladies.

Pathetic

Stu · 26-02-2011 4:06am

It's called having a sense of Humour "Galway K9" I think your on the wrong thread :rolleyes:

t0mm13b · 26-02-2011 4:20am

Stu wrote: »

Regarding men not being able to multitask, i can and do on a daily basis. For example, yesterday evening i was having a **** with 1 hand, moving my mouse through various different porn movies on porntube with the other hand and watching Rangers v Sporting Lisbon in the Europa League all at the same time. Mind you i tried to pick up a cup of tea while doing the other 3 and nearly spilled the tea all over my cock. So, i can multitask to a point but i'm not a fookin octopus ladies.

Hang on a sec... that's a roight shenanigan yer spielin on there about....

1 hand for a ****
moving a mouse with the other
watching a match all at the same time...

:pac:

So how in the fcuk can you pick up a cup of tea... if both hands are used ....? :P

That reeks of BS!!!

Stu · 26-02-2011 4:33am

I did say that i tried to pick up the cup of tea, obviously i put the mouse down but it all went a bit pearshaped and my brain was overloaded with too much information. I sort of fell back on the bed because my underpants were around my ankles and some tea went on my stomach but i managed to compose myself and normal service was resumed as soon as i put the tea back down

.

I should have called my better half to pour the tea into my mouth while i was doing the other stuff but she would have ended up laughing at me no doubt pointing out that she was right all along and that men can't multitask and i can't have her winning that arguement.

t0mm13b · 26-02-2011 4:36am

Stu wrote: »

I did say that i tried to pick up the cup of tea, obviously i put the mouse down but it all went a bit pearshaped and my brain was overloaded with too much information. I sort of fell back on the bed because my underpants were around my ankles and some tea went on my stomach but i managed to compose myself and normal service was resumed as soon as i put the tea back down .

I should have called my better half to pour the tea into my mouth while i was doing the other stuff but she would have ended up laughing at me no doubt pointing out that she was right all along and that men can't multitask and i can't have her winning that arguement.

Should have asked your OH to give you a helping hand

that woulda been handy :P :pac:

Stu · 26-02-2011 4:46am

No, in fairness, we tried that when she was watching coronation street 1 night but when a good part came on she would yank a bit too hard out of excitement at whatever she saw on the TV, and i'd be in bits. I just tug away myself beside her now while she's watching corrie and that seems to suit us both a lot better

.

Galway K9 · 26-02-2011 5:11am

Stu wrote: »

It's called having a sense of Humour "Galway K9" I think your on the wrong thread :rolleyes:

i have a great sense of humour i just think its bad:D

Sitec · 26-02-2011 5:17am

Stu wrote: »

No, in fairness, we tried that when she was watching coronation street 1 night but when a good part came on she would yank a bit too hard out of excitement at whatever she saw on the TV, and i'd be in bits. I just tug away myself beside her now while she's watching corrie and that seems to suit us both a lot better .

I would'nt blame you.

Galway K9 · 26-02-2011 5:22am

Sitec wrote: »

I would'nt blame you.

Man shes hot!!!

Wheres the soap?

Stu · 26-02-2011 5:42am

Good man Galway K9, come aboard.

Galway K9 · 26-02-2011 5:49am

ive been onboard a long time ha:D

Duiske · 26-02-2011 6:09am

How did they know lord Mountbatten had dandruff ?

They found his Head and Shoulders on the beach.

DundalkDuffman · 27-02-2011 12:39pm

EverEvolving wrote: »

Who's the nicest guy in a hospital?

The ultra-sound guy.

And when the ultrasound guy is on holidays who is the nicest guy in the hospital?

The hip replacement guy.

im invisible · 27-02-2011 12:45pm

i hate them Italians, with their slanty eyes,

oh, wait no...

not Italians....

Italics

phelixoflaherty · 27-02-2011 12:46pm

Old one
The pole vault champion of East Germany is now the pole vault champion of West Germany

Savage Tyrant · 27-02-2011 12:51pm

phelixoflaherty wrote: »

Old one
The pole vault champion of East Germany is now the pole vault champion of West Germany

Haha... Reminds me of the other old one...

Why don't Mexico do very well at the Olympics??
Because anyone who can run, swim or jump, is already in America.

Ken. · 27-02-2011 1:05pm

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she
collapses from a heart attack! “Help me dear,” she groans to her
husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. “I’m dying here and you’re putting?”

“Don’t worry dear,” says the husband calmly, “they found a
doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.”

“Well, how long will it take for him to get here,” she asks feebly?

“No time at all,” says her husband, “Everybody’s already agreed to let him play through.”

DalkeyRose · 27-02-2011 1:29pm

What does 'W.I.F.E.' stand for???

Washing
Ironing
Fcuking
Etc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:cool:

DalkeyRose · 27-02-2011 1:34pm

What's the difference between single men and married men?????

Single men come home, look what's in the fridge and go to bed.

Married men come home, look what's in the bed and go to the fridge:cool:

copperfacegaz · 27-02-2011 1:47pm

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."She said, "Yes you are."I said, "No I'm f**king not."She said, "Can you tell the time?"I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not f**king drunk."

copperfacegaz · 27-02-2011 1:48pm

I put my jeans and jumper into the washing machine last night and turned it on to a coloured wash.The jeans came out six times too big and the jumper came out with a hood on it.

DalkeyRose · 27-02-2011 2:14pm

My wife got me to believe in Religion.............

Until I married her, I didn't believe in HELL;)

The try harder if ye want a second joke thread thread.

Comments