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One-Liner Jokes

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    #4472
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Nice touch having Prince Philip taken to the church on the back of a Land Rover. I wonder if they’ll have Prince Andrew buried in a 15 year old Escort?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • Options
    #4473
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I just found out that they're not going to make yardsticks any longer.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4474
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    King Tut was only three foot tall, but he was a good ruler.


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    #4475
    saabsaab
    Registered Users Posts: 7,737 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    King Tut was only three foot tall, but he was a good ruler.


    He's the yardstick by which others are judged.


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    #4476
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Me aunt's plane arrives tomorrow afternoon.

    I was centimetre.


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    #4477
    Victor
    Registered Users Posts: 78,241 ✭✭✭✭Victor


    trashcan wrote: »
    My grief counsellor died the other day, luckily, he was so good I couldn’t give a ****.
    Your ex did.


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    #4478
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    ­


    If Caitlyn Jenner were an action figure....would she be an X-Man or a Transformer?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4479
    saabsaab
    Registered Users Posts: 7,737 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    Once tried fried cajones while abroad. I was told that they came from the dead bulls from the bullfights nearby. The next day I tried again but was surprised they were much smaller than before so I asked the waiter why. He replied 'sometimes the bull he wins!'


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    #4480
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    ­
    I didn't know my wife left me for a tractor salesman until I read the John deere letter.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4481
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users Posts: 4,119 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I can never pronounce apocalypse, but that’s alright, it’s not the end of the world.


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    #4482
    RobbingBandit
    Registered Users Posts: 18,075 ✭✭✭✭RobbingBandit


    Gonna sue my therapist this week for manslaughter...

    They killed my imaginary friend


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    #4483
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Local Flooding Blamed on Beaver, The evidence is damming

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4484
    AmyMurphy22
    Site Banned Posts: 32 ✭AmyMurphy22


    Why do ants never get sick?
    They have little anti-bodies!


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    #4485
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    How many trolls does it take to change a light bulb?

    None; Trolls never see the light anyway.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4486
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered now.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4487
    RobbingBandit
    Registered Users Posts: 18,075 ✭✭✭✭RobbingBandit


    Whats black and white and angry?

    A Dalmatian looking at its reflection.


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    #4488
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    If you die and get cremated you can be put into an hour glass and still be included in family game night.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4489
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users Posts: 33,014 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    Openly right-wing Nazi in full uniform walks into a police station, starts banging the desk, "ok lads - meeting in five minutes..."

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



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    #4490
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,695 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    The world tongue-twister champion has been arrested and will appear in court tomorrow, he's been told to expect a tough sentence.


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    #4491
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 11,810 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    "I've never been more certain about uncertainty than I am right meow"
    - Erwin Schrödinger

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



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    #4492
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    If aliens are observing us, the ultimate alpha move would be to probe ourselves.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4493
    saabsaab
    Registered Users Posts: 7,737 ✭✭✭saabsaab


    The optician asked my Gran if she would read the large first line of the chart for him. Her reply was 'And you tell me I'm the one that needs glasses!'


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    #4494
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I planned an orgy for my birthday party and everyone came!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4495
    chooseusername
    Registered Users Posts: 3,588 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    I planned an orgy for my birthday party and everyone came!
    I planned a tantric sex orgy for my birthday and nobody came.


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    #4496
    Madeoface
    Registered Users Posts: 344 ✭✭Madeoface


    Four women were at a table in a cafe minding their own business.


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    #4497
    barneygumble99
    Registered Users Posts: 4,119 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    I once went on dragons den with the idea of making crystal balls but none of the judges saw any future in it.


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    #4498
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My mother in law is Spanish, so when we named our son 'Muchos' it really meant a lot to her.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4499
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Apparently, women make the best archeologists! It because they have an inbuilt ability to dig up the past!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4500
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,259 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Breaking News: prime minister Boris Johnson has announced due to the new Indian covid variant people will now be offered the pun jab.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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    #4501
    trashcan
    Registered Users Posts: 3,906 ✭✭✭trashcan


    MonkieSocks wrote: »
    Breaking News: prime minister Boris Johnson has announced due to the new Indian covid variant people will now be offered the pun jab.

    That Indian variant is no joke. I know someone who got it and he’s been in a korma for a week. Poor chap, he’d only just lost his Naan too.


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