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Boyfriend obsessed with friends boobs

  • 14-11-2010 12:34am
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi Guys,

    As a logged in user you have helped me many times just from me reading replies to other peoples problems. Now I need help.

    I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. We've always been very happy together besides some jealousy issues he has with me speaking to other guys. This generally only happens when he has a few drinks and always apologises next day. He's never done anything worse than stopped speaking to me for a few hours.

    Anyway my problem is that over the last 2 years I have become friends with a girl with the most massive breasts and my boyfriend is obsessed with them. I've noticed him staring and generally acting like a total idiot around her while thinking he is slyly sneaking a peek. He is always making reference to them, pretending to grab them etc. She in no way flaunts them or reveals herself inappropriately and I've a feeling it is making her uncomfortable.

    I said it to him recently and all he had to say back was that now I know how he feels when I'm flirting with other guys, started shouting and finally when he knew he couldnt defend himself stopped talking to me.

    I know he is going to come along with some half arsed apology soon and if I'm not ready to accept it then the silence will go on much longer.

    How do I approach it while letting him know that I am really not OK with his behaviour?


Comments

  • #2
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    I would be more embarrassed by his behaviour then I would be jealous and if that is how you feel then you need to let him know. Its not fair on your friend that he is objectifying her like that and acting like a 13 year old boy who has never seen boobs before.
    It's disrespectful, ill mannered, rude and immature.


  • #3
    Armani Thoughtless Wintergreen
    Posts: 0 ✭ Armani Thoughtless Wintergreen


    Help Please?? wrote: »
    Hi Guys,

    As a logged in user you have helped me many times just from me reading replies to other peoples problems. Now I need help.

    I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years. We've always been very happy together besides some jealousy issues he has with me speaking to other guys. This generally only happens when he has a few drinks and always apologises next day. He's never done anything worse than stopped speaking to me for a few hours.

    Anyway my problem is that over the last 2 years I have become friends with a girl with the most massive breasts and my boyfriend is obsessed with them. I've noticed him staring and generally acting like a total idiot around her while thinking he is slyly sneaking a peek. He is always making reference to them, pretending to grab them etc. She in no way flaunts them or reveals herself inappropriately and I've a feeling it is making her uncomfortable.

    I said it to him recently and all he had to say back was that now I know how he feels when I'm flirting with other guys, started shouting and finally when he knew he couldnt defend himself stopped talking to me.

    I know he is going to come along with some half arsed apology soon and if I'm not ready to accept it then the silence will go on much longer.

    How do I approach it while letting him know that I am really not OK with his behaviour?

    To be honest, he should practice what he preaches if he feels so strongly. if i was a jealous person myself i wouldn't respond in such a way as to make my girlfriend feel insecure. As far as i'm concerned while relationships have their ups and downs your partner should always be assured that he/she is your number one while you are in a relationship with he/she, i think you have done this and by opening this thread you obviously do care but id wonder about him.
    And to put your friend in the middle is bang out of order. your only speaking to other guys but he is staring their tits....big big difference. 8 years?.....Girl he ain't going to change his ways but what you do now is your decision entirely


  • #4
    LighterGuy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,243 ✭✭✭LighterGuy


    Thaedydal wrote: »
    ...It's disrespectful, ill mannered, rude and immature.....

    This.
    Its like a guy going "geez, the ass on her" to his gf :rolleyes:
    It just be so bad.


  • #5
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    he turned the argument back on you because he got busted looking at your friends chest.

    next time, tell him exactly what Thaedydal said. its not about jealousy, its rude disrespectful to your friend. do you think that your friend hasnt said anything to you about it in case you wrongly get annoyed at her instead of him? is there any way to let her know that if she tells him to stop staring that you are ok with that?

    edit: hang on, he pretends to grope your friend for a bit of a laugh? then he is a creep, and you need to start leaving him out of your get-togethers and tell him exactly why.


  • #6
    hullaballoo
    Administrators, Entertainment Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 18,707 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭hullaballoo


    Boobs are like drugs to some men. Just being in the presence of them releases a large amount of happy feeling into the brain and there are evolutionary, biological, chemical and psycholical reasons for all of this.

    The point is that he's probably not himself when your friend is around because there is a certain amount of chemical reaction to the presence of large boobs that men can try and control, but mostly can't.

    Of course, if he is actually physically reaching out to grab them or making your friend uncomfortable, then there's a real problem. He needs to be told exactly what your friend thinks and how you feel. Reversing the argument to how he feels when you flirt with other guys is not relevant.

    But do you flirt with other guys, or just talk to them?


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  • #7
    Kimia
    Registered Users Posts: 2,897 ✭✭✭Kimia


    hullaballoo wrote: »
    Boobs are like drugs to some men. Just being in the presence of them releases a large amount of happy feeling into the brain and there are evolutionary, biological, chemical and psycholical reasons for all of this.

    The point is that he's probably not himself when your friend is around because there is a certain amount of chemical reaction to the presence of large boobs that men can try and control, but mostly can't.

    Of course, if he is actually physically reaching out to grab them or making your friend uncomfortable, then there's a real problem. He needs to be told exactly what your friend thinks and how you feel. Reversing the argument to how he feels when you flirt with other guys is not relevant.

    But do you flirt with other guys, or just talk to them?

    haha seriously? What a load of shíte - are you actually trying to argue that men 'can't control themselves' around big boobs? What a stupid stupid argument. :rolleyes:

    How mortifying for you OP. I would be disgraced by such immature behaviour. You should tell your bf that he's making an absolute show of himself and you won't be able to go anywhere in public with him in future (not to mind meeting your friend together again) if he can't control himself.

    I can't believe he pretends to grab them, I'm actually cringing here for you. Personally I would have the mother of all rows with my bf if he did that and there would be a frank discussion of how embarrassing he is to be around by acting like that. Plus I would throw in the fact that your poor friend is also embarrassed and doesn't want to be in his company anymore.

    Take it to his ego and tell him that unless he stops you cannot be seen in public with him again because he's an embarrassment.


  • #8
    star-pants
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13,429 ✭✭✭✭star-pants


    Can only echo what others have said, it's mighty disrespectful to your friend and to you to act in such a way. Pretending to grab her boobs? That's just not funny, unless it was a semi joke including your friend (if she was in on it). She's clearly going to feel very uncomfortable and awkward around him, I would be the same.
    Actually a friends bf did grab my boobs before - we were all out on a night out, and he did that and I just said 'don't ever do that again' and had a word with my friend (she apologised, obviously not her fault!) but it didn't make her feel great either knowing her bf would do that in front of her.

    He turned the focus back on you to take the heat off himself, because he knows he is in the wrong. He should not act that way (no matter what way he thinks you act).
    When he comes back with his 'apology' tell him it's extremely rude and crossing a line with your friend, that he has made her feel very uncomfortable and he should apologise to her for his behaviour. Then tell him that if he feels you're acting out of line to just say it, not pretend to be 'showing you how it feels' by acting a tit. And to not start a screaming row over nothing.


  • #9
    I am a friend
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    Wow. What right does he have to grab her boobs? Why does he think its acceptable??? I cant get my head round this... Its shocking and it would turn me right off him. There is nothing worse than a friends bf hitting on you - the poor girl must be sickened. If he is doing that in front of you to a friend what else is he up to when you are not around?


  • #10
    Cheap Thrills!
    Registered Users Posts: 2,723 ✭✭✭Cheap Thrills!


    You can't have that OP. It's bad enough that he does this but then he has the temerity to get verbally aggressive with you and sulks like a child when he's busted?

    That is intolerable. Like the poster above said, if that's what he does in front of you what does he get up to when you are not around?

    His behaviour is totally disrespectful.


  • #11
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    OP i can't really add anything to what has already been said, you must be so embarassed by him, I'd be absolutely mortified by my bf if he behaved in such a way, actually to be honest i'd dump him, there's no way in hell i'd stay with someone who was so disrespectful to women. He sounds like a right creep.
    I know he is going to come along with some half arsed apology soon and if I'm not ready to accept it then the silence will go on much longer.

    How do I approach it while letting him know that I am really not OK with his behaviour?

    OP i think you have bigger problems than your boyfriend being a lecherous creep, ye've been together 8 years - thats an awful long time, and he still deals with arguments by sulking like a spoilt child?!
    If the two of you can't solve a row through communication rather than you having to cave in to stop his sulking, then it really doesn't say much about your relationship.

    He sounds like a nightmare.


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  • #12
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    hullaballoo wrote: »
    Boobs are like drugs to some men. Just being in the presence of them releases a large amount of happy feeling into the brain and there are evolutionary, biological, chemical and psycholical reasons for all of this.

    The point is that he's probably not himself when your friend is around because there is a certain amount of chemical reaction to the presence of large boobs that men can try and control, but mostly can't.

    And then they get past 14/15 and get a bit of cop-on.

    Seriously OP, it's just ignorant rudeness. I'd be mortified that my partner was being so obviously lecherous in front of me - and worse, to my now creeped out friend - to the point that it became an issue.

    I think you have to sit him down and spell out just how cringe-worthy and immature his behaviour is and he has the choice of reeling it in and at least having enough respect for you and your friend to keep his breast fixation to himself or he can be as lecherous as he likes as a single man.


  • #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi Guys, OP here.

    Thanks so much for all the replies. I'm glad I'm not over-reacting like he says I am. He still thinks when I talk to other guys (I dont think I flirt, I wouldnt pretend to grab their crotch or anything) that it's the same thing. Ive explained in the calmest way possible that there is a very big difference between me talking to a stranger and pretending to grope one of his friends. Ive never been closer to lashing out in all my life, he really is the most infuriating person.

    I'm not going to dump him, at least not without knowing what the hell is going on with him. I asked him everything I could think of and I am none the wiser. He did it in front of me, all my friends and my friend's boyfriend (who didnt say anything either). He told me not to be so dry and that he was only messing, everyone knows he was messing and I should get over it. I pointed out to him that when I upset him it's the end of the world but now that I'm upset I should just get over it. Fair, huh?

    He has learned a few home truths today and now I suppose he's mulling them over in front of his xbox. He knows what he has to do and Ive let him know the longer he takes the more of my life I can get on with without him. Pity, we get on famously in every other way.

    I dont think Im thinking straight about this at all. Sorry for rambling.


  • #14
    Armani Thoughtless Wintergreen
    Posts: 0 ✭ Armani Thoughtless Wintergreen


    Help Please?? wrote: »
    I'm not going to dump him, at least not without knowing what the hell is going on with him.


    Well your a woman of alot of faith, because better men have been dumped for less


  • #15
    star-pants
    Closed Accounts Posts: 13,429 ✭✭✭✭star-pants


    Definitely sounds like he has double standards, he may act how he pleases and you're to 'get over it' but you have to act like you can't talk to any men but him. Ridiculous!
    As for the 'everyone knew I was messing' - clearly not, and he's probably lucky your friends boyfriend didn't floor him. I certainly can't imagine my bf being too happy if a chap grabbed my boobs. They were probably semi stunned at his behaviour.

    I wouldn't back down on this issue at all, you can make it clear it's not 'just this time' it's the combination of all the times he's lost the rag with you over chatting to guys & his general behaviour around your friend/other busty women. He needs to realise he's not 15 and has to have some cop on.


  • #16
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Well your a woman of alot of faith, because better men have been dumped for less
    +1
    Be careful OP, he sounds like the kind of guy who'll have you chained to the sink, doing all the housework and looking after the kids in a few years time while he sits "front of his xbox" tbh


  • #17
    dellas1979
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭dellas1979


    You draw a line and he doesnt cross it.

    Explain this is the way its going to be - you do that again and .... (consequence) will happen.

    The things is my dear that you need to be prepared to back this up.

    And I am 100% sure that if you do this, he will retaliate to doing the same thing when you talk to fellas. When he does do this, Id call his bluff.


  • #18
    Elle Collins
    Closed Accounts Posts: 681 ✭✭✭Elle Collins


    All I can say is I hope at some future time you will not be prepared to stay around and tolerate that level of lechery. You're obviously not there yet.


  • #19
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    To be very honest he does his share in the house, not his full share thanks to call of duty but some stuff. It's like minding a big child most of the time and I told him straight out if he thinks he's so right he can get lost and to hell with him if he thinks I'm taking this s*it. It's the first time in our relationship where I think it's going to take more than an apology and empty promises to put this right. I'm not a woman of faith, I know where he is every second of the day (and not by asking him or stalking him) and I know if he was to cheat he'd be gone. It's not his fidelity I'm questioning it's his mental state. Like some of you have said he needs to grow up. He's 30 years old!

    Every time something has gone through my head I know you guys are behind me and it's ok. I may have to print some of your replies and shove them down his throat!


  • #20
    Nevyn
    Closed Accounts Posts: 43,045 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    If you are doing 70% of the work around the house, how much worse is it going to get if you have children? If you want an partner who shares life and your relationship equally then you may have to face up to the fact he may never be that person.


  • #21
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    It's like minding a big child most of the time

    Just think another 8 years down the line OP can you honestly still see yourself with this "man" in the exact same position, maybe minus a few friends because of his behaviour?

    OP if its been 8 years and hes still acting like a disrespectful child he's not going to change. It may be time to accept that. If that's something you can live with for the rest of your life then that's your choice, but don't delude yourself into thinking hes going to change, i mean you're already 8 years down the line...
    and I told him straight out if he thinks he's so right he can get lost and to hell with him if he thinks I'm taking this s*it.

    But you have been taking his s*it Op for 8 years. You seem to think cheating is the only basis for breaking up with someone, but honestly i think i'd get over my partner kissing some girl quicker than my partner treating me like i was his mother and my female friends like a piece of meat for his entertainment.

    People will only treat us how we allow them to treat us, you've been putting up with this/allowing him to treat you like this for 8 years so i doubt he takes any of your threats as anything other than empty at this point, he knows you'll never leave him.

    I'm not trying to have a go at you OP but your relationship just sounds so unequal and just so sad that you think you have to put up with this.

    If you do have children, do you really see this man as a good role model for any future sons/daughters you may have, a man who treats women in such a derogatory way? Not really a quality i'd personally want bestowed on my children..


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