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The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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Comments

  • #4022
    jaykay74
    Registered Users Posts: 6,554 ✭✭✭jaykay74


    >’Enter new password‘

    ~ 'chicken'

    > ‘Password must contain a capital’

    ~ 'chickenkiev'


  • #4023
    Ted_YNWA
    Registered Users Posts: 71,799 ✭✭✭✭Ted_YNWA


    My wife warned me not to steal the kitchen utensils.

    But it is a whisk I am willing to take.


  • #4024
    M.T. Cranium
    Registered Users Posts: 14,317 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    We were at the pub and the wife complained that all I think about is football.

    The server came over with the bill, and said "I'll be right back."

    "You look more like an inside left to me," I replied.

    "And not only that," added the wife, "but you're stuck in the 70s."


  • #4025
    Bob Harris
    Registered Users Posts: 3,462 ✭✭✭Bob Harris


    If you ever get lost up the mountains and need help, take a shít, someone always appears.


  • #4026
    GBX
    Registered Users Posts: 11,889 ✭✭✭✭GBX


    My mate Bernard and his flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor yesterday.

    The counsellor asked them, "What seems to be the problem?" he said, "Well, Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic."


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  • #4027
    blinding
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 7,466 ✭✭✭blinding


    GBX wrote: »
    My mate Bernard and his flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor yesterday.

    The counsellor asked them, "What seems to be the problem?" he said, "Well, Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic."
    Did the Counsellor see that he was not making Mountains out of Molehills ?


  • #4028
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,656 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    They say everyone has their fifteen minutes of fame.

    Well I've not had mine yet but I suspect I'll get it tomorrow when the police dig my garden up.


  • #4029
    Edgware
    Registered Users Posts: 5,875 ✭✭✭Edgware


    Hey love you've pulled. Bring your coat, its cold in the boot of my car.


  • #4030
    bodhrandude
    Registered Users Posts: 12,348 ✭✭✭✭bodhrandude


    How did the Germans bomb Nice. They poured hot tea all over the place. :)

    One I told on this thread yonks ago:

    Whats the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Highlander? The Rolling Stones go 'Hey you get off of my cloud.' Whilst the highlander bellows 'Macleod get aff of that ewe.'

    If you want to get into it, you got to get out of it. (Hawkwind 1982)



  • #4031
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 7,992 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    Paid a carpenter to make me a double bed. Pr1ck has gone and done a bunk.


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  • #4032
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,656 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I carefully wrote down the name of the chap who gave his name to the law which states 'No backup is perfect' in case I should need it.

    Needless to say I can't find it.


  • #4033
    FreshCoffee
    Registered Users Posts: 186 ✭✭FreshCoffee


    Trump and Pence were sitting in a bar in Washington. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Trump and Pence over there?"

    The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

    So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

    Trump said, "We're planning World War 3."

    The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

    Trump said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Mexicans and one bicycle repairman."

    The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

    Trump turned to Pence and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Mexicans!"


  • #4034
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    A garda recruit was asked during the exam,

    "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

    He said, "Call for backup."


  • #4035
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭[Deleted User]


    Hi all, I've volunteered for the vaccine trials for Covid-19 here in Athlone , which apparently were made by a tried and regulated, Russian Pharmaceutical company.

    I received my first shot and wanted to let everyone know that it’s completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκιχoρoshό Я чувствую себя немного странно и думаю, что трахнул твою мать. сука ебать


  • #4036
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    I never did get my dream job as a sound technician
    but "I'm not one to one to one to complain"


  • #4037
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    I'm Seriously pissed off. Every morning a huge German Shepherd ****s in my front garden.

    To make matters worse, today he brought his dog!


  • #4038
    TheBody
    Registered Users Posts: 5,618 ✭✭✭TheBody


    I finished runner up in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition.

    I was close but no cigar.


  • #4039
    TheBody
    Registered Users Posts: 5,618 ✭✭✭TheBody


    I'm an avid campaigner for the preservation of endangered animals.


    You should taste my panda jam.


  • #4040
    TheBody
    Registered Users Posts: 5,618 ✭✭✭TheBody


    Last night my wife and I went to the local restaurant for dinner. We had reservations, but went anyway.


  • #4041
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,656 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My 4 year old son has been learning Spanish at School and he still hasn't learnt the word for please... and I think that is poor for four.


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  • #4042
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭[Deleted User]


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    My 4 year old son has been learning Spanish at School and he still hasn't learnt the word for please... and I think that is poor for four.
    Make him sit on the lawn and he'll thank you for it!


  • #4043
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 7,992 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    I think the person that invented "Umbrellas" meant to call them Brellas, but they had a moment of hesitation beforehand


  • #4044
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 7,992 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    Philip Schofield has to give his wife half of his £9m fortune as a divorce settlement.

    What a bummer.


  • #4045
    RobMc59
    Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    The inventor of the sexual innuendo has sadly passed away today..
    His wife is taking it really hard..


  • #4046
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    is it just me or are the instructions on electrical goods difficult to read.

    I mean I don't know that many languages


  • #4047
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,656 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Recently someone nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out, and escaping with the goods, he was captured only 5 miles away when his van ran out of petrol.

    When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such a foolish error running out of fuel, he replied,

    "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."


  • #4048
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,656 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    A priest, a vicar and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

    The receptionist just stared at them and pointed at the rabbit, who, looking a bit abashed, announced he was a Type O.


  • #4049
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,656 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Israel has announced the strictest lockdown in the developed world.

    On Palestine








    for the 72nd year in a row.


  • #4050
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,656 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My wife died of old age.

    If she'd been younger she'd have seen that tripwire.


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  • #4051
    milltown
    Registered Users Posts: 4,613 ✭✭✭milltown


    I think I better visit my doctor.
    I've just noticed that one of my testicles is ever so slightly larger than the other two.


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