Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

Were You In Love Or Did You Just Settle For What You Had?

2

Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,339 ✭✭✭Filmer Paradise


    Shotgun job in my case.

    Worked out grand though.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,045 ✭✭✭rn


    Oops! wrote: »
    As the saying goes around here... She/He walked up the isle with nothing.... Walked back down with half the farm. Not unusual around these parts anyway....

    My wife walked up the aisle with nothing and walked back down with a mortgage and half my negative equity! But that was the 00's for ya.


  • Registered Users Posts: 13,763 ✭✭✭✭Potential-Monke


    I'd be of the opinion that a lot of people think they're in love and get married then, only later to find out it's not true love (whatever that is). I see the few comments on here of people still happily in love after 10+ years, but always with a comment about having loads of fights. I don't understand that. In my 2x9-year relationships, I think we only ever fought once or twice. I don't mean little disagreements, I mean actual shouting at each other but non-physical fights, where you may not talk to them for ages afterwards. Never understood that. And I couldn't settle down with someone where that's happening.

    My parents had their 50th wedding anniversary in March. That's a milestone that will become rare going forward I reckon.


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,491 ✭✭✭bb1234567


    I really hope the practice of settling is gradually disappearing forever. Surely most people must realise by now that being alone and finding value in other aspects of life is better than marrying somebody you're relatively indifferent to just to keep up appearances of meet the expected milestones society sets. I see people give out about tinder etc nowadays and how people have TOO much choice, get too picky etc . Well you should be ****ing picky, it's your valuable time you're choosing to spend together in a short life . Even if it's just dating, make it a good one, somebody you really enjoy spending time with. Or else what's the point.

    My own grandparents really have stirred such hatred within me towards pressure on people marrying for the sake of it. They are typical couple of their time in Ireland, 60 years ago, marry whoever is presentable uncontroversial local girl/boy choice and marry at the soonest time possible. Then land yourself a clatter of children within 5 years of the marriage and even if you are unhappy you may put up with it because divorce is just off the table. They lived completely separate lives under the same roof for their 60 years together, barely spoke. What is the point of forcing that. They didn't even force, they just put up with it, no effort from either to make the situation more enjoyable and liveable. They didn't even fight really, just completely indifferent. May well have been pieces of furniture to each other. WHY. I could never understand it even as a child. What a way to spend your life. Depresses the hole off me


  • Registered Users Posts: 209 ✭✭ulster


    Thankfully I am not married. I don't think I could cope.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 1,780 ✭✭✭mohawk


    After being in a relationship in my 20’s where I settled I vowed never to repeat that mistake. I am now engaged to someone I truly love. We have more than love going for us.

    If I was to rank my happiness levels as an adult. I am happiest now with my partner in our little family.
    I was also pretty happy on my own after I broke up with my ex.
    I was least happy with my ex. I thought I should try make it work for sake of my child. It was a mistake. Both my son and myself were far happier after the split.
    Never settle folks.


  • Registered Users Posts: 13,144 ✭✭✭✭cj maxx


    Settled. Worse .ever. mistake.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,363 ✭✭✭Hamachi


    Met my wife five years ago, married four years, two nippers under three. The last few years have been a whirlwind for sure.

    Can honestly say that meeting my wife is the best thing that ever happened to me. Wouldn’t change a thing.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,845 ✭✭✭Antares35


    Definitely think I got the better deal in our relationship, he's amazing :)

    Found out I was pregnant shortly after getting engaged, but no way was I rushing it through because of that. If anything, it pushed the wedding further down the line because I want to actually look slim and rested on the big day. So will probably be about a ten year wait :D

    Kissed enough frogs to know when I have it good. I love my alone time too. We both do. Just because you're happy with someone doesn't mean you aren't comfortable in your own skin. In fact, I don't think you can be truly happy with someone else unless you're happy on your own first. Or at least, it's more a form of dependence...


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 118 ✭✭bunny_mac


    I see the few comments on here of people still happily in love after 10+ years, but always with a comment about having loads of fights. I don't understand that. In my 2x9-year relationships, I think we only ever fought once or twice. I don't mean little disagreements, I mean actual shouting at each other but non-physical fights, where you may not talk to them for ages afterwards. Never understood that. And I couldn't settle down with someone where that's happening.

    You'd be amazed. A close friend was in a relationship with a lovely fella, and she spent her whole time picking fights with him. She'd say all sorts to try to provoke him but he'd never rise to the bait. They didn't last long. She's now married to another fella, they've been together 15 years, and they absolutely tear strips of each other all the time. I'm talking screaming, roaring, punching holes in walls. And they're really happy together. I think it's incredibly messed up, but it seems to work for them.


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 98 ✭✭threescompany


    Sounds silly but after just one night with too much drink & chatting in the pub, I absolutely knew I had met my soulmate. Engaged within 6 months & we are married 15 years with 4 kids. I’m in my late 30s. He’s a wonderful person & I feel very lucky. I had a long term relationship before him & I shudder when I think how I nearly settled. I’m sure plenty do.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,363 ✭✭✭Hamachi


    bunny_mac wrote: »
    You'd be amazed. A close friend was in a relationship with a lovely fella, and she spent her whole time picking fights with him. She'd say all sorts to try to provoke him but he'd never rise to the bait. They didn't last long. She's now married to another fella, they've been together 15 years, and they absolutely tear strips of each other all the time. I'm talking screaming, roaring, punching holes in walls. And they're really happy together. I think it's incredibly messed up, but it seems to work for them.

    That sounds more like an episode of the Jeremy Kyle show.

    Whatever about the rest, but punching holes in walls...?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 118 ✭✭bunny_mac


    bb1234567 wrote: »
    I really hope the practice of settling is gradually disappearing forever. Surely most people must realise by now that being alone and finding value in other aspects of life is better than marrying somebody you're relatively indifferent to just to keep up appearances of meet the expected milestones society sets.

    You'd like to think so. But as a single woman in my 40s I still regularly get the looks of pity and the sighs and tuts from relatives at family gatherings (pre-covid obviously). And I know a couple of women who got married because they were terrified of being 'left on the shelf'.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,090 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    Sister in law married the most boring man I’ve ever met. She’s not much better. Married and had 3 kids within 4 years. Definitely settled for each other. I’m not even sure how they worked up the excitement to conceive.


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,090 ✭✭✭barneygumble99


    bunny_mac wrote: »
    You'd like to think so. But as a single woman in my 40s I still regularly get the looks of pity and the sighs and tuts from relatives at family gatherings (pre-covid obviously). And I know a couple of women who got married because they were terrified of being 'left on the shelf'.

    Maybe it’s looks of envy you are getting, from relatives who settled!!


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,845 ✭✭✭Antares35


    Sounds silly but after just one night with too much drink & chatting in the pub, I absolutely knew I had met my soulmate. Engaged within 6 months & we are married 15 years with 4 kids. I’m in my late 30s. He’s a wonderful person & I feel very lucky. I had a long term relationship before him & I shudder when I think how I nearly settled. I’m sure plenty do.
    Same. The guy I was seeing before my partner was just an absolutely horrible person. I didn't see it at the time but hindsight is 20:20 and all. I was definitely guilty of settling with him, and it's horrible to think of how close I came to a completely different path, one that would never have led me to my fiancé.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,858 ✭✭✭Church on Tuesday


    I'd be of the opinion that a lot of people think they're in love and get married then, only later to find out it's not true love (whatever that is). I see the few comments on here of people still happily in love after 10+ years, but always with a comment about having loads of fights. I don't understand that. In my 2x9-year relationships, I think we only ever fought once or twice. I don't mean little disagreements, I mean actual shouting at each other but non-physical fights, where you may not talk to them for ages afterwards. Never understood that. And I couldn't settle down with someone where that's happening.

    My parents had their 50th wedding anniversary in March. That's a milestone that will become rare going forward I reckon.

    That's completely normal though and in many cases, essential. You need to clear the air from time to time. Every relationship is different but I'd be worried if there were no disagreements from time to time; I don't want a Stepford Wife.

    One thing I will say is one should never go to bed angry with your partner, there is no need for the argument to last days on end. I strongly dislike drama so prefer honest communication (and active listening) on whatever matter is causing conflict.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,845 ✭✭✭Antares35


    bunny_mac wrote: »
    You'd like to think so. But as a single woman in my 40s I still regularly get the looks of pity and the sighs and tuts from relatives at family gatherings (pre-covid obviously). And I know a couple of women who got married because they were terrified of being 'left on the shelf'.

    People can be really nasty on the other side of that coin too. When I got engaged, my mother's weapon of a sister immediately said to her, "oh my daughter was just telling me about all her friends who are in their thirties now and are running out marrying the first man they find". Like, ok we get it, some people settle but no need to such a patronising bitch Doris :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,363 ✭✭✭Hamachi


    Maybe it’s looks of envy you are getting, from relatives who settled!!

    I think older relatives just want the best for you and for them, that’s seeing you settled with a partner. It’s not done out of malice; it’s just their worldview that’s outdated these days.

    Many people are very happy being single. However, if you are fortunate enough to meet the person that’s right for you, it enhances your life immeasurably.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 118 ✭✭bunny_mac


    Hamachi wrote: »
    Many people are very happy being single. However, if you are fortunate enough to meet the person that’s right for you, it enhances your life immeasurably.

    I totally agree, but the key phrase there is 'if you are fortunate enough to meet the person that’s right for you'. I'd much rather be single than be with the wrong person, but there are a lot of people out there who think it's more 'normal' to settle than to stay single. I've even had my (married) sister try to persuade me to 'lower my standards'. I mean, WTF?


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 2,363 ✭✭✭Hamachi


    bunny_mac wrote: »
    I totally agree, but the key phrase there is 'if you are fortunate enough to meet the person that’s right for you'. I'd much rather be single than be with the wrong person, but there are a lot of people out there who think it's more 'normal' to settle than to stay single. I've even had my (married) sister try to persuade me to 'lower my standards'. I mean, WTF?

    I get you on the settling thing. I don’t know how prevalent it really is, but I wouldn’t be too harsh on people who go that route.

    Some people just aren’t wired to be alone and simply do better with a partner, even if that person isn’t their ideal. It mightn’t be for you (or I), but I definitely understand it.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,310 ✭✭✭Zak Flaps


    bb1234567 wrote: »

    My own grandparents really have stirred such hatred within me towards pressure on people marrying for the sake of it. They are typical couple of their time in Ireland, 60 years ago, marry whoever is presentable uncontroversial local girl/boy choice and marry at the soonest time possible. Then land yourself a clatter of children within 5 years of the marriage and even if you are unhappy you may put up with it because divorce is just off the table. They lived completely separate lives under the same roof for their 60 years together, barely spoke. What is the point of forcing that. They didn't even force, they just put up with it, no effort from either to make the situation more enjoyable and liveable. They didn't even fight really, just completely indifferent. May well have been pieces of furniture to each other. WHY. I could never understand it even as a child. What a way to spend your life. Depresses the hole off me

    Did your grandparents tell you this?


  • Registered Users Posts: 13,763 ✭✭✭✭Potential-Monke


    That's completely normal though and in many cases, essential. You need to clear the air from time to time. Every relationship is different but I'd be worried if there were no disagreements from time to time; I don't want a Stepford Wife.

    One thing I will say is one should never go to bed angry with your partner, there is no need for the argument to last days on end. I strongly dislike drama so prefer honest communication (and active listening) on whatever matter is causing conflict.

    See, to me it should never get to that point, because if it does, something went wrong a while ago and wasn't addressed. Everyone knows, and advises that communication is key, but still very few practice it. I've personally found the best way is to make a smart arse comment about something that is irking you, or something that happened, and a natural discussion can happen from it. Instead, people let it fester and build up and then lash out. That's not healthy to me.

    One of the few actual (non-physical) fights I've had was drink fuelled and I spent the next week apologising and making up for it, because it was a non-issue that I let fester, only over the space of a few hours, because of the drink, instead of my usual approach. I just think it's a waste of energy and time, and will change a persons feelings over time too.

    It's the simplest of things, but mention something as soon as it irks, and clear the air there and then. They're not disagreements unless it devolves into one, but that's up to both sides to not let it, and should never go beyond that. If it does, to me, there are bigger issues and if it persists it's not worth the hassle.

    I agree with your second point!


  • Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Don't judge other people's relationships and don't assume they are settling. How do you know that anyway?


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,491 ✭✭✭bb1234567


    Zak Flaps wrote: »
    Did your grandparents tell you this?

    No their children did and also I have eyes and ears of my own


  • Registered Users Posts: 235 ✭✭Ms. Newbie18


    Ah I've heard the "you really need to lower your standards" from people more times than I can count...

    Since when is having a set of standards a bad thing?

    I'd rather continue to single and happy than be in a relationship and feel like crap.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,781 ✭✭✭pgj2015


    my standards have risen as I got older, because I prefer being single, it will want to be a fantastic woman to get me to change my mind.


  • Registered Users Posts: 9,453 ✭✭✭billyhead


    I don't settle for second best. I'm not fussy but I wouldn't just settle for someone with a heart beat.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 118 ✭✭bunny_mac


    Mod:<<SNIP>>

    Well, don't you sound like a catch! :rolleyes:


  • Advertisement
  • Registered Users Posts: 3,845 ✭✭✭Antares35


    bunny_mac wrote: »
    Well, don't you sound like a catch! :rolleyes:

    :D


Advertisement