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Now Ye're Talking - to someone who's had an affair

  • 31-05-2018 3:18pm
    #1
    Boards.ie Employee Posts: 12,597 ✭✭✭✭✭Boards.ie: Niamh
    Boards.ie Community Manager


    A couple of people requested that we have an AMA with someone who has had (or is having) an affair and this guest volunteered to answer questions on the subject.

    She's a single woman who has experience of being ‘the other woman’ - she had a year long affair with a married man some years ago and subsequently had a short-term fling with a different married man.

    Be nice.


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Comments

  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 21,637 Mod ✭✭✭✭helimachoptor


    Fair play to you. This will be interesting to watch!


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,852 ✭✭✭Steve F


    In keeping with the spirit of things....

    How /Why did the affairs end? Did the wives find out?


  • Hosted Moderators Posts: 23,031 ✭✭✭✭beertons


    You chase them or they chase you?


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,323 ✭✭✭Loveinapril


    Did you feel any guilt?


  • Registered Users Posts: 36,022 ✭✭✭✭LuckyLloyd


    Can you please sketch out a synopsis of each affair?


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,480 ✭✭✭wexie




  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,550 ✭✭✭evolving tipperary


    How do you feel about the affairs now?


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,859 ✭✭✭m'lady


    lunamoon wrote: »
    Was the person you cheated with better looking than your partner?


    She’s single?


  • Company Representative Posts: 101 Verified rep I've had an affair, AMA


    Hi everyone,

    I’ve had some problems logging in on this account tonight, have only been able to do so now, so I won’t get to all these tonight, as some require long answers. I’ll do what I can tonight and I’ll come back tomorrow evening after work to tackle the others.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,126 ✭✭✭screamer


    Why did those men cheat on their partners? As in what was wrong with their relationships?


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  • Company Representative Posts: 101 Verified rep I've had an affair, AMA


    Steve F wrote: »
    In keeping with the spirit of things....

    How /Why did the affairs end? Did the wives find out?

    The first, which was the year long one, ended by my doing. I will go into the development of the affair in a different post, but yes, his wife did find out. However we continued for a number of months after that and it actually ended because I realized he was quite a controlling, obsessive, jealous man and I no longer wanted to be with him. I fell out of love with him.

    The second, was more of a fling than a full-blown affair, as there was no emotional side to it. I am not trying to minimize it or make it seem less wrong, and I know some people might not perceive there to be much distinction, but it was a different kind of relationship to the first. It was purely just occasional sex. It ended by just fizzling out. We were colleagues in different counties who ended up having sex at occasional conferences where we met. After a while, circumstances just meant that we didn’t meet at all for a long time, and the most recent time we did meet at a conference I was not staying overnight. There was no big drawing-of-a-line or closure on the issue, it just drifted along and ended.


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,940 ✭✭✭✭Purple Mountain


    Thank you Niamh and thank you volunteer.
    I was one of the people who had asked if this was possible so sincere thanks.
    It's the double life element I'm fascinated in. I like to think I'm very good at reading the people closest to me so I would like to think I'd spot an affair quite readily.
    My steady college boyfriend cheated on me but I think I actually saw that coming before he did. It was so obvious they were starting to fall for each other. I'd say they were only together a week before I got confirmation - I read his texts. I know some people would slate me for that but I knew in my heart what I would find.
    It absolutely crushed me. I felt physically sick. Even though we were young, I thought we had something special. We were so close and in love before that.
    Anyhow I walked out of his house that day and never saw him again.
    I still dream of him sometimes and I've found her on Facebook - married to someone else!
    Thanks for doing this, I don't hold any judgement or bitterness towards you..unless you were the girl who took my college sweetheart! :)

    To thine own self be true





  • Do you expect to have a faithful relationship at some stage in the future?


  • Company Representative Posts: 101 Verified rep I've had an affair, AMA


    beertons wrote: »
    You chase them or they chase you?

    Both.

    The first, (the year long one) he chased me. At the risk of sounding very naive, I didn’t even realize he was chasing me for a while. (I will come back to that issue in a longer post tomorrow).

    The second, the fling/repeated one-nighters, was different. The first time was a VERY drunken night in a foreign country. If you had said to me earlier that day that I’d end up in bed with that particular man that night I’d have laughed you out of it. I’d known him (peripherally, through work) for years and never gave him a second thought, and I’m sure he would have said the same about me. We were on a quite posh night out- it was an event held in a romantic city, on a ship cruising down the river. The drink flowed. We were sitting beside each other and just clicked. I had never been in a social setting with him before. It was about 10 years ago now and I can still remember the second I felt that first attraction- I said something funny, he started laughing and his whole face just transformed and I got a real visceral bolt of attraction, and thought to myself “he’s actually lovely looking”. I did flirt with him thereafter, and by the time it came to getting bank on dry land I think we both knew where it was going. After the night together, we got back to normal in that we had no further contact til the next work meeting, which was a few weeks later. I drove it, in that I deliberately engineered my attendance at meetings/conferences that I knew he’d be at. We’d spend the night together and then go back to normal. There was no contact whatsoever between the nights. And as I said above, it just gradually fizzled out. He changed roles at work and was moved to a different area for part of the week, and we just started crossing paths less often. To the best of my knowledge, his wife never found out. Nobody ever found out, other than my sister, whom I confided in (she didn’t know him).


  • Company Representative Posts: 101 Verified rep I've had an affair, AMA


    Did you feel any guilt?
    LuckyLloyd wrote: »
    Can you please sketch out a synopsis of each affair?


    Both there will require a longer answer, so I’ll come back to it tomorrow.


  • Company Representative Posts: 101 Verified rep I've had an affair, AMA


    wexie wrote: »

    No, definitely not!


  • Company Representative Posts: 101 Verified rep I've had an affair, AMA


    How do you feel about the affairs now?

    How long have you got?!

    This is another one that’ll take some time, so I’ll tackle it tomorrow


  • Company Representative Posts: 101 Verified rep I've had an affair, AMA


    lunamoon wrote: »
    Was the person you cheated with better looking than your partner?

    I was single at the time, however it’s fair to say that one of them would certainly not have been considered good looking.


  • Registered Users Posts: 14,772 ✭✭✭✭Whispered


    Did either have kids?


  • Company Representative Posts: 101 Verified rep I've had an affair, AMA


    screamer wrote: »
    Why did those men cheat on their partners? As in what was wrong with their relationships?

    I think when I answer about how the long one developed it will probably answer this somewhat about that particular one.

    The second one, I’m not sure it was anything other than opportunity, tbh. I know some people say that if someone cheats there must be something wrong in their relationship- I don’t know if that’s true. I was not in a relationship myself at the time, and have never cheated while in a relationship so I can’t really comment definitively. But I don’t think there was anything particularly wrong in that particular guy’s relationship, and he certainly never proffered anything as an excuse/justification.


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  • Company Representative Posts: 101 Verified rep I've had an affair, AMA


    Thank you Niamh and thank you volunteer.
    I was one of the people who had asked if this was possible so sincere thanks.
    It's the double life element I'm fascinated in. I like to think I'm very good at reading the people closest to me so I would like to think I'd spot an affair quite readily....

    Thanks for doing this, I don't hold any judgement or bitterness towards you..unless you were the girl who took my college sweetheart! :)

    I’m not that girl! Neither man was a student.

    In relation to the double life- it was without doubt incredibly stressful. Again, this is something that warrants a longer answer, so I’ll come back to it tomorrow


  • Company Representative Posts: 101 Verified rep I've had an affair, AMA


    Do you expect to have a faithful relationship at some stage in the future?

    Do you mean do I expect to be in a relationship with a man who is not married and do I expect that I would be faithful to him?

    I am capable of being faithful - have had two long-term ‘proper’ relationships (ie not affairs) and I was faithful in both. One was 18 months long and the other was over 5 years long.

    I would not have an emotionally-involved affair again.

    However, I have no real interest in a long term committed relationship, and would not seek one out. I don’t ever see myself in a relationship that is expected to ‘go the distance’ or living with someone and I will never marry.


  • Company Representative Posts: 101 Verified rep I've had an affair, AMA


    Whispered wrote: »
    Did either have kids?

    Both did.

    The long-term one was more than 20 years older than me and had two adult children. I was only 4 and 6 years older than them.

    The fling guy, he had younger kids. He was 9/10 years older than me and his kids were all under 10.


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,051 ✭✭✭✭bucketybuck


    Why should we trust or believe a single word you say?


  • Registered Users Posts: 4,490 ✭✭✭JeffKenna


    Did you every perform a sexual act when they were on the phone to their wife?


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,423 ✭✭✭JustJoe7240


    Why should we trust or believe a single word you say?
    Why would we question the authenticity of this ama any more than any other one?


  • Posts: 8,856 ✭✭✭ Amos Dirty Stairway


    A few questions if I may.

    What did you expect would happen/ be the outcome of having an affair with a married man? Ie did you think he’d leave his family for you or did you just like the enjoyment of the present and not think of the future?

    Did you think “I’m having an affair today, but tomorrow, I may choose to leave this situation for something more lasting?

    Who did you tell about the affair when having it? Ie friends, sister etc

    Imagine in a few/number of years time, you’re “settled” with partner/kids- do you think you’d be more susceptible than most to having an affair?

    Thanks for your participation in this thread :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,050 ✭✭✭bobwilliams


    Bearna golf course


  • Company Representative Posts: 101 Verified rep I've had an affair, AMA


    Why should we trust or believe a single word you say?

    *shrug* you don’t have to, it’s entirely up to you.
    FWIW, I’m anonymous here, and this is not linked to my regular boards account so I’ve no reason to lie here. I’m doing this in a voluntary capacity because I saw there was a demand for it.

    But up to you if you choose to believe me or not.


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  • Company Representative Posts: 101 Verified rep I've had an affair, AMA


    JeffKenna wrote: »
    Did you every perform a sexual act when they were on the phone to their wife?

    No, never. That’s not something I’d have been comfortable with.

    Edited to add, neither of them ever asked me to do that, but if they had I’d have refused. Mind you, I’d be likely to refuse any such request from someone, irrespective of who was on the other end of the line!


This discussion has been closed.
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