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Why do women go off sex?

  • 28-04-2012 2:50am
    #1
    Closed Accounts Posts: 902 ✭✭✭


    When I met herself, she was mad for it. However in recent years (15 years married) she will do anything to avoid it. Like whats the jackanory? Its driving me cracked! :mad: - Yes I'm in permanent employment and we have a nice gaff in a fairly salubrious area - so whats the problem? I try to vary my technique so she doesn't get bored. So ladies whats the answer?


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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 7,090 ✭✭✭jill_valentine


    Ask her if there's anything she wants to try. Anything.

    Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanything.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,211 ✭✭✭Susie_Q


    Your post is about your OH - one specific woman. Your title is about ALL women. Just because your partner doesn't want to be intimate anymore doesn't mean all women "go off sex".

    Also, why don't you just bloody talk to her like an adult ffs?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 902 ✭✭✭scholar007


    Susie_Q wrote: »
    Your post is about your OH - one specific woman. Your title is about ALL women. Just because your partner doesn't want to be intimate anymore doesn't mean all women "go off sex".

    Also, why don't you just bloody talk to her like an adult ffs?


    Anytime I raise the subject, its almost as if Ive started a row and then she will ignore me until I apologise for raising the issue (can go on for weeks - is this normal?) - It seems to suit her that I raise it and she then has an excuse to ignore me. :confused::confused::confused: - It affects every part of my life!


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,027 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    More suited to here

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 2,479 ✭✭✭I am a friend


    Would she be seeing someone else?

    Another common reason would be that the guy has let himself go??


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 678 ✭✭✭ihsb


    In my past relationship I went off sex for one reason. I was not happy. The relationship wasn't working so I didn't want to have sex and then it made the relationship worse. It went into a down ward spiral.

    Seeing as she won't talk to you about it, maybe go to couples counselling?


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    This is going to sound really cliché, but you should try making her feel special. Make her feel like it's about her, not like it's a chore she has to do for you.


  • Subscribers Posts: 19,425 ✭✭✭✭Oryx


    scholar007 wrote: »
    Anytime I raise the subject, its almost as if Ive started a row and then she will ignore me until I apologise for raising the issue (can go on for weeks - is this normal?) - It seems to suit her that I raise it and she then has an excuse to ignore me. :confused::confused::confused: - It affects every part of my life!
    She probably sees you asking 'why dont you want sex?' as an attack. Because she already knows you want it more than she does, and that its a bone of contention she would rather avoid. The reasons why any woman might not want sex are a multitude, and in my experience a man can shove issues to one side and just have sex, but for me, everything thats going on can affect libido:

    Tired and stressed
    Overfamiliarity/boredom
    Low libido
    Not enough time/risk of interruption by kids etc
    Feeling pressure to perform
    Feeling unloved
    Feeling unsexy/ugly/fat/thin/dowdy
    Unresolved issues with their partner (emotional or life based)

    You have to keep trying to talk to her, but not in a way that makes her get defensive. Difficult to do if you have a 'history' of rowing about it, I know.


  • Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    scholar007 wrote: »
    When I met herself, she was mad for it. However in recent years (15 years married) she will do anything to avoid it. Like whats the jackanory? Its driving me cracked! :mad: - Yes I'm in permanent employment and we have a nice gaff in a fairly salubrious area - so whats the problem? I try to vary my technique so she doesn't get bored. So ladies whats the answer?

    It's a bit odd to imply that if you have a steady job, a nice gaff in a nice area that its somehow connected to female sexual arousal. It's not. All that does is ensure that some stressors that can affect relationships are not applicable in your situation, but there are plenty more.

    And being "varying" in your technique very much depends on the lady in question. Maybe she is dreading the next "technique" you dream up. She may like it a certain way, and when you introduce new things she gets fed up because she knows what gets her off and this new thing you are doing is not it. It sounds like you dont even discuss the new techniques with her so how do you know its what she wants? Maybe she does not want unusual positions or techniques, maybe she wants more kisses, hugs and affection while having sex?

    You offer two reasons why she shouldnt be not up for it, and quite frankly, if you say it to her like that, I'm not surprised you get her shutting down on you like that. I would be beyond furious with my partner if he thought that his job or our home should somehow have me ready and aroused without any other personal input from him.

    My point is, it could be anything. You need to rule out what does not apply, and only you and her will know for sure: Have either of you put on weight? - if you have, she may not feel as attracted to you, if she has, maybe she is very self concious about her body. Bad breath? Body hygeine?

    Has she changed hormonal contraception? Could she be approaching menopause? Has she started or changed any medications? Could depression apply? Does she get ill, or run down? Has she any other medical issues that might have a knock on effect?

    Are you making enough time (outside of sex) for you both as a couple. Are you tactile or affectionate during the day - do you hug, kiss or compliment her? Do you go on dates or romantic nights out/ weekends away? Do you get on ourside of the bedroom or are there issues that are unresolved?

    Do you have children? Does she do all the housework? Is she knackered by the end of the day and just wants to fall into bed?

    It may very well be that she is no longer attracted to you. It may be that she is happy with a once a week shag, where you still want it 3-4 times a week?

    The only thing you can do is ask her what is going on. Tell her that you think its a symptom of something that is going wrong in the relationship and that you want to work with her on it. Suggest counselling, because I think you both are communicating your frustrations very badly here.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,916 ✭✭✭shopaholic01


    A lot of relationships have a 'best before date'. Maybe yours has expired. Don't mean to be blunt but most women I know don't want to have sex when they have emotionally withdrawn from the relationship. You don't really elaborate on other areas of your relationship so it's hard to say. Do you still talk - not essentials, I mean really talk, go out together, have fun etc?

    Talk to her, try counselling, if necessary go your separate ways.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 974 ✭✭✭BarackPyjama


    It quite simple. Discuss it with her like an adult and try to find out what the problem is and then fix it. If it's not reconcilable, you'll have to reconsider your marriage. A marriage without sexual intimacy isn't really a marriage/relationship.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,831 ✭✭✭Torakx


    scholar007 wrote: »
    Anytime I raise the subject, its almost as if Ive started a row and then she will ignore me until I apologise for raising the issue (can go on for weeks - is this normal?) - It seems to suit her that I raise it and she then has an excuse to ignore me. :confused::confused::confused: - It affects every part of my life!

    My ex gf wrote me a massive letter after i left her a few years ago,that explained alot after i left her.
    One of the issues was she was avoiding sex sometimes and it became more frequent.
    Turns out she actually loved the sex and said it was the best she had..strangely the issue was a medical one and she was too embarrassed to tell me.
    So instead she became defensive and guilty about it when i tried to figure out what i could do to make things better.
    It eventualy built up and aggravated other areas of the relationship and it ended abruptly by me leaving.
    Moral of the story is, it might not be you,it might be you.
    You will not know unless both parties start communicating.

    If she doesnt want to talk about it then she is possibly being defensive for some reason.
    Theres a reason for everything and as for finding hers,thats something im not sure.
    Each individual has their ways of communicating.

    Maybe she needs to know that you need her to communicate or this will become more of an issue.
    Maybe she can write you a letter? see a counselor to figure her wy to communicate with you better.
    End of the day she will just have to start communicating or this wont get fixed.
    Hope you get there.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 902 ✭✭✭scholar007


    Thanks for the advice - Much appreciated.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,155 ✭✭✭Wompa1


    From an experience I had myself in a past relationship and from issues some of my older friends have discussed with me, it's usually down to something she's unhappy about. She may be less attracted to you if your appearance has changed much, maybe she's lost feelings for you, or maybe she's got other non-relationship problems on her mind.

    No matter what the problem is, If she's unwilling to talk about it, after a while I'd say enough is enough and tell her you want a separation or divorce. I look back at when it happened to me for over a year and because it took a while to get over the woman while she rolled right into bed with somebody else, I just see it as a prison sentence I served.

    Sex isn't the be all and end all. But it's an intimacy in a relationship and I think anyway if you don't have that intimacy it puts a strain on the relationship and makes it unbearable for the partner.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,643 ✭✭✭R.D. aka MR.D


    In a past relationship i went of sex because my OH didn't have a filter for his disgusting behaviour like farting and stuff and when we were living together I knew exactly when he had a shower.

    I used to try to encourage him to wash more, especially down there but he just never saw the problem.

    Basically the mystery was gone!


  • Site Banned Posts: 116 ✭✭DERPY HOOFS


    Watch porn together.Buy her viagra and a dildo.
    Dress up and go out some night and stay in a hotel.


  • Registered Users Posts: 24,135 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy


    Tell her you need to either discuss your sex life or your separation.

    She's used to being able to bully you into having her own way so she'll need a shock to get her to behave like an adult.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,673 ✭✭✭Miss Fluff


    Not being funny here OP but you need to ask your wife why she is no longer interested in having sex with you rather than asking a load of randomers. It could be anything from infidelity to depression to weight gain to any number of other possibilities so better to have a conversation with her (outside of the bedroom) to establish what the hell is going on.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 34,419 ✭✭✭✭hondasam


    scholar007 wrote: »
    When I met herself, she was mad for it. However in recent years (15 years married) she will do anything to avoid it. Like whats the jackanory? Its driving me cracked! :mad: - Yes I'm in permanent employment and we have a nice gaff in a fairly salubrious area - so whats the problem? I try to vary my technique so she doesn't get bored. So ladies whats the answer?
    scholar007 wrote: »
    Anytime I raise the subject, its almost as if Ive started a row and then she will ignore me until I apologise for raising the issue (can go on for weeks - is this normal?) - It seems to suit her that I raise it and she then has an excuse to ignore me. :confused::confused::confused: - It affects every part of my life!

    It's not all about you. Her age might be a factor, hormones menopause just life in general.
    You come across as if it't the end of your world and it's not, concentrate on her and try get her to talk about what't wrong.
    Unfortunately not all women are the same so no one can tell you what is wrong with your woman only her.
    good luck.:)


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You say she gets defensive if you raise the subject so you need to approach this from a different angle. I would agree with some of the other posters that it may be something else that is bothering her so I try to get her to talk with "Is everything alright" "is there anything bothering you" "Is there anything I can do for you", or maybe start with "you seem down/stressed/worried". Keep tending to her for a while until she talks or starts being intimate again. Make sure she is happy / content and if after a while (maybe a couple of weeks), still no intimacy I would broach the subject directly again. If still nothing, I would asking if she is still attracted to you, maybe throw separation on the table and see how she reacts to that. It might be on her mind too.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,708 ✭✭✭curlzy


    Hey OP,

    I've gone through low libido once or twice and it's always been down to stress. When I was in my last year of working full time while doing college part time it went down to once every few months :eek: Another time it was when I had fallen out with a very good friend and I was very down. Luckily for me I have an extremely wonderful and supportive boyfriend who understood and put up with it until my libido returned and then I more than made up for it:D

    As you've seen here there's a million different possibilities but only your wife can tell you the answer. My suggestion is to bring her out for dinner and a proper talk. Start off with, "sweetie, I know this discussion annoys you but it's really starting to affect me and make me feel really low, please tell me why you've gone off sex" or something along those lines.

    I really think you need to have a proper adult conversation in a non sexual environment about your needs and how they aren't being met. She may throw a strop and stop talking but if you keep absolutely calm then she really won't have an excuse, it may be that she will calm down and discuss it if she doens't feel under attach and you stick to how this is affecting you. Just make sure to leave blame out of it.

    Best of luck


    *** If it turns out it's just down to a low libido, then "horny goats weed" is available from health food shops and it really works.


  • Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    All the advice here is good so far. But my recommendation to you is instead of referring it to as sex. Ask her to "make love to you"

    The term "sex" can be taken as impersonal. Bring the intimacy back into the relationship as others suggested. Tell your wife that you want to make love to her and show her not just say it. Surprise her with a dinner and bottle of wine when she gets home. Take her away for the weekend, pamper her with a massage.

    Asking for just sex may make her feel "unloved". Make her feel loved and wanted. If you are running around the house like a sick little puppy asking or demanding it you may be possibly turning her off from it.

    I know we all want sex and miss it from time to time but there needs to be intimacy back in the relationship that may help her back get into the mood.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 902 ✭✭✭scholar007


    Actually, I have been thinking about this a bit more, surely physical intimacy is an integral part of a relationship? My moods or how Im feeling generally don't diminish my desire so why are women different? Surely its a basic human need that you want to have sex every now and then? :confused:


  • Subscribers Posts: 19,425 ✭✭✭✭Oryx


    scholar007 wrote: »
    Actually, I have been thinking about this a bit more, surely physical intimacy is an integral part of a relationship? My moods or how Im feeling generally don't diminish my desire so why are women different? Surely its a basic human need that you want to have sex every now and then? :confused:
    There is no such thing as a typical man, or typical woman, or typical person. Everyones needs vary, everyones sex drive varies. There are people out there who want sex four times a day, others are happily celibate all their lives.

    I dont want to get into the whole gender divide on sex drive, but what you need to see is that this woman at this time, does not want sex as much as you. You need to ask her why, not get into stats on what other people do. Getting into the whole discussion like that will only make things worse, because technically, youre telling her she is not normal. Nothing better than that to push her further away from you.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,403 ✭✭✭daisybelle2008


    scholar007 wrote: »
    Actually, I have been thinking about this a bit more, surely physical intimacy is an integral part of a relationship? My moods or how Im feeling generally don't diminish my desire so why are women different? Surely its a basic human need that you want to have sex every now and then? :confused:

    You seem bent on making this a gender issue. As people have said it really could be down to a number of reasons.
    You have said when you try to broach the subject it turns into a row and she can ignore you for weeks, and you even think she might use it as an excuse to ignore you. That is not good.
    How is your relationship in other ways? Do you have much intimacy other than sex. Do you do a lot of activitys together, hold hands, do you communicate and share feelings and thoughts on a deep level?
    The reason I am asking is that if that isn't happening and you have grown apart there is a good chance it is not a reduced libido due to moods or external issues. It could be that she does not love you anymore.
    Gender issues aside, do you think she still wants to be with you as a person or is just going through the motions of the relationship out of a sense of duty or fear of change?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 902 ✭✭✭scholar007


    You seem bent on making this a gender issue. As people have said it really could be down to a number of reasons.
    You have said when you try to broach the subject it turns into a row and she can ignore you for weeks, and you even think she might use it as an excuse to ignore you. That is not good.
    How is your relationship in other ways? Do you have much intimacy other than sex. Do you do a lot of activitys together, hold hands, do you communicate and share feelings and thoughts on a deep level?
    The reason I am asking is that if that isn't happening and you have grown apart there is a good chance it is not a reduced libido due to moods or external issues. It could be that she does not love you anymore.
    Gender issues aside, do you think she still wants to be with you as a person or is just going through the motions of the relationship out of a sense of duty or fear of change?

    Im not trying to turn this into a gender issue. Far from it. No she is not normally intimate. That stopped when our family was complete. She seems to be happy with what she has and does not need sex anymore - Simple as! - I feel kind of shortchanged to be honest because there is diddly squat I can do about it - I cant afford to leave and I have kids so im stuck!


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,708 ✭✭✭curlzy


    scholar007 wrote: »
    Im not trying to turn this into a gender issue. Far from it. No she is not normally intimate. That stopped when our family was complete. She seems to be happy with what she has and does not need sex anymore - Simple as! - I feel kind of shortchanged to be honest because there is diddly squat I can do about it - I cant afford to leave and I have kids so im stuck!

    I wonder how she's not jumping your bones :rolleyes: Honestly OP, your attitude is disgusting, it's not wonder she doesn't want you inside her. Seriously OP, get into councelling either together or by yourself to sort out your attitutude, because that's what's turning her off I'd say. The comment "I feel kind of shortchanged" kinda sounds like you think she OWES you sex or something, if you're displaying that attitude then it's really no wonder that you aren't getting any.

    Do you think that women don't want sex aside from when they're making babies? Because if so then you're probably not very good in the sack. I can't imagine how you could be good if you really think that way, what would be the point in trying to please a women if they only ever have sex to have babies? If it's true that you're no good in the sack that would be the reason I'd say. Seriously OP, I may be picking you up wrong but you seem to have a bit of a sexist attitude, that's deeply unsexy BTW.

    Best of luck.


  • Registered Users Posts: 24,135 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy


    To be fair, it certainly wouldn't be the first time I've heard of a woman who went off sex once she'd decided she'd had as many children as she wanted and expected her husband to be happy to live with that.

    Where curlzy is right, is that counselling for the pair of ye is a good idea. Going on your own won't help as no amount of counselling will get rid of your libido.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,708 ✭✭✭curlzy


    Sleepy, I get the feeling from your last post that you also seem to think this is a problem that's mostly related to women just not wanting sex. If so check out the thread "why won't he have sex with me?" started by frustratedgirl and enlighten yourself. :D

    Have to laugh really, isn't it funny that men that have to deal with this problem and that think this way, never seem to wonder if it is to do with them and their performance, they'd rather think it must be the entire female population :rolleyes:.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 24,135 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy


    I've seen that thread (and your rather strange advice in it). Isn't it funny how some women can see no wrong in anyone of their own gender? :rolleyes:

    The notion that he's not providing any of her needs is nothing more than an assumption as he's never stated whether they're affectionate in other ways, whether they generally get on, if he pulls his weight at home or their marriage is happy in other ways. The OP has clearly stated his other half isn't prepared to discuss the issue with him so how would he even know if his other half felt this way?

    Most people (yourself included from what you've posted in other threads) would consider a relationship without sex to be one that's not worth living in. scholar007 has stated he feels stuck with this relationship due to financial reasons and their having kids together. (you're wrong here btw scholar007, if the marriage has deteriorated to the point where it's not worth saving, your kids would be better off with you and your wife living your own, happier lives, frustrated and miserable parents don't make for good role-models).

    If your wife won't discuss the issues with you, would she consider marriage counselling. The vary fact you're suggesting it should be enough to let her know how serious a state your marriage is in as usually counselling ends in one of two ways: a couple re-building a happy marriage (which sex is very much a part of) or going their separate ways...

    Be prepared to hear things you don't like at the sessions and it may be the case, as curlzy assumes, that there are other areas of your marriage where you're the one not pulling your weight, it may be the case that your wife is in fact asexual and has never enjoyed your sex life together, seeing it only as a means of attracting a man and having babies and it may be the case that you're better off apart from each other. Sure, finances will be squeezed dreadfully by a separation, they usually are but children are better off with two poor but happy parents that live apart than parents that make each other miserable and who clearly resent each other.


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