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Maths jokes!

  • 14-11-2007 1:59am
    #1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,595 ✭✭✭MathsManiac


    I don't know how to make a sticky - is it only moderators can do that?
    [edit: posted back when I was a relative newb!]

    Anyway, I think a sticky for maths jokes would be good.

    Here's one to start, (an oldie but goodie!)

    There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.


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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 16,101 ✭✭✭✭Pherekydes


    Howzat?

    Here's won ;):

    Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs, and 50 percent imagination.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,149 ✭✭✭ZorbaTehZ


    Off the top of my head, my 2 favourite:

    A Physicist, a Chemist and a Mathematician are given a task by a professor. Each is given a closed tin can with liquid inside and placed in separate rooms with the objective of opening the cans using nothing but their knowledge of their chosen science.

    6 hours later the professor returns to check on each of the scientists.

    He opens the cubicle with the Physicist inside and sees him sitting contently by the side of the room, with a broken can and liquid strewn across the opposite wall. "I examined the can and determined its major stress points. Then by applying pressure appropriately, I managed to force the can open"

    Impressed, the professor then opens the chemists cubicle and sees pretty much the same seen as previous. "Using my knowledge of the structure of atoms and thermal expansion, I was able to open the can" the Chemist told the professor.

    Astonished, the professor then proceeds to the next cubicle, wherein the Mathematician is. He opens the door and sees the tin-can sitting upright in the centre of the room un-opened. In the corner of the room crouched over, the Mathematician is in a feverish sweat mubbling away to himself "....imagine the can is open, ...imagine the can is open"


    And:

    "The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please, rotate your phone by 90 degrees and try again..."


  • Registered Users Posts: 443 ✭✭Fallen Seraph


    Q. "What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana?
    A. Elephant banana sine theta in a direction mutually perpendicular to the two as determined by the right hand rule."

    Q. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?
    A. You can't. A mountain climber is a scalar.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,595 ✭✭✭MathsManiac


    Business is slow, so I'll throw in another one:

    Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
    A: To get to the same side.

    (Ba-dum tish!)


  • Registered Users Posts: 219 ✭✭rjt


    Disclaimer: Some of these are so bad that they physically *hurt*, but I suppose I'll post them in the interest of sadism.

    Mathematic puns are the first sine of madness.

    Why do mathematicians confuse halloween and christmas? Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec!

    A student was found dead in a lecture theatre, the blackboard covered in Calculus. The police arrived, took away the body and performed an autopsy. The student's lecturer went to ask how the student had died. The police told him that the boy's blood alchol level had been quite high. Confused, the lecturer asked how this had led to the boy's death. The policeman responded:
    "Don't you know never to drink and derive?"

    When the flood ended, Noah opened the ark and said "go forth and multiply". A couple of days after, Noah went out into the forest, and found that all of the animals had multiplied, except for particular breed of dark snakes. When Noah asked the two snakes why they hadn't reproduced, they told him to chop down some trees and return in a few weeks. Noah obliged, and returned a month later, to find the forest brimming with the snakes. Curious, Noah asked, "Why did the trees help you to reproduce?". The snakes replied, "We're Adders, we need logs to multiply!".

    Chat up lines:

    1. Are you the square root of 2, 'cause you're making me irrational!

    2. <insert something involving exponent curves>


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 108 ✭✭ciano6


    Why was six afraid of seven?
    Because seven eight nine.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 108 ✭✭ciano6


    What is the best way to pass a geometry test?
    Know all the angles

    What did one Maths book say to the other?
    Don't bother me, I have enough problems of my own.


  • Registered Users Posts: 16,101 ✭✭✭✭Pherekydes


    What's the difference between a sperm and a statistician?

    Every sperm has the potential to become a human being. :D

    P.S. This is known as the single transferable joke. You can replace statistician with just about any [boring] job title.


  • Registered Users Posts: 25 gowayyalanger


    Who was the first knight of the round table?


    Sir cumference!!


  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators Posts: 23,202 Mod ✭✭✭✭godtabh


    What do mathematicians do when they are constipated?

    They work it out with logs


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  • Registered Users Posts: 259 ✭✭opelmanta


    I don't know how to make a sticky - is it only moderators can do that?

    Anyway, I think a sticky for maths jokes would be good.

    Here's one to start, (an oldie but goodie!)

    There are 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.

    lol!!!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 8 Jamon


    I know that this one is an engineer joke, but here it goes.

    A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are investigating the hypothesis that every odd number is a prime number.

    Mathematician: 1 is a prime number, 3 is a prime number, 5 is a prime number, 7 is a prime number but 9 isn't, the hypothesis is false!

    Physicist: 1 is a prime number, 3 is a prime number, 5 is a prime number, 7 is a prime number but 9 isn't, but the hypothesis holds 4 times our of 5.

    Engineer: 1 is a prime number, 3 is a prime number, 5 is a prime number, 7 is a prime number and 9 is a prime number. I think it's okay.

    Yours,
    Jamon


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1 daveangel


    rjt wrote: »
    Disclaimer: Some of these are so bad that they physically *hurt*, but I suppose I'll post them in the interest of sadism.

    Mathematic puns are the first sine of madness.

    Why do mathematicians confuse halloween and christmas? Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec!

    A student was found dead in a lecture theatre, the blackboard covered in Calculus. The police arrived, took away the body and performed an autopsy. The student's lecturer went to ask how the student had died. The police told him that the boy's blood alchol level had been quite high. Confused, the lecturer asked how this had led to the boy's death. The policeman responded:
    "Don't you know never to drink and derive?"

    When the flood ended, Noah opened the ark and said "go forth and multiply". A couple of days after, Noah went out into the forest, and found that all of the animals had multiplied, except for particular breed of dark snakes. When Noah asked the two snakes why they hadn't reproduced, they told him to chop down some trees and return in a few weeks. Noah obliged, and returned a month later, to find the forest brimming with the snakes. Curious, Noah asked, "Why did the trees help you to reproduce?". The snakes replied, "We're Adders, we need logs to multiply!".

    Chat up lines:

    1. Are you the square root of 2, 'cause you're making me irrational!

    2. <insert something involving exponent curves>

    a few more chat up lines for the girls in the maths class...

    1. On a score of 1 to 2, I'd give you 1
    2. On a score of 1 to 5, you get a phwoar


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 36 aurthurg


    An exponential walks into a bar. He pulls up a bar stool sits down and asks the bar man for a pint.

    Over in the corner theres a large group of functions, sines, cosines logs all sitting around having a laugh telling jokes and sharing stories.

    The bar man comes over and asks the exponential why he's all alone and not over having fun with the other functions.

    The exponential answers in a low voice, "I tried to integrate but nothing happened"


  • Registered Users Posts: 165 ✭✭moggins7


    aurthurg wrote: »
    An exponential walks into a bar. He pulls up a bar stool sits down and asks the bar man for a pint.

    Over in the corner theres a large group of functions, sines, cosines logs all sitting around having a laugh telling jokes and sharing stories.

    The bar man comes over and asks the exponential why he's all alone and not over having fun with the other functions.

    The exponential answers in a low voice, "I tried to integrate but nothing happened"

    is it say that i cant stop laughing at this...


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,158 ✭✭✭crisco10


    Q. "What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana?
    A. Elephant banana sine theta in a direction mutually perpendicular to the two as determined by the right hand rule."

    Q. What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber?
    A. You can't. A mountain climber is a scalar.

    love that 2nd one!!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 534 ✭✭✭sd123


    f(x) and g(x) walk into a bar and the barman says, Sorry, we don't do functions.....


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,149 ✭✭✭ZorbaTehZ


    Notes on the horse colors problem

    Lemma 1. All horses are the same color. (Proof by induction)

    Proof. It is obvious that one horse is the same color. Let us assume the proposition P(k) that k horses are the same color and use this to imply that k+1 horses are the same color. Given the set of k+1 horses, we remove one horse; then the remaining k horses are the same color, by hypothesis. We remove another horse and replace the first; the k horses, by hypothesis, are again the same color. We repeat this until by exhaustion the k+1 sets of k horses have been shown to be the same color. It follows that since every horse is the same color as every other horse, P(k) entails P(k+1). But since we have shown P(1) to be true, P is true for all succeeding values of k, that is, all horses are the same color.

    Theorem 1. Every horse has an infinite number of legs. (Proof by intimidation.)

    Proof. Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs and in front they have fore legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. Therefore horses have an infinite number of legs. Now to show that this is general, suppose that somewhere there is a horse with a finite number of legs. But that is a horse of another color, and by the lemma that does not exist.

    Corollary 1. Everything is the same color.

    Proof. The proof of lemma 1 does not depend at all on the nature of the object under consideration. The predicate of the antecedent of the universally-quantified conditional 'For all x, if x is a horse, then x is the same color,' namely 'is a horse' may be generalized to 'is anything' without affecting the validity of the proof; hence, 'for all x, if x is anything, x is the same color.'

    Corollary 2. Everything is white.

    Proof. If a sentential formula in x is logically true, then any particular substitution instance of it is a true sentence. In particular then: 'for all x, if x is an elephant, then x is the same color' is true. Now it is manifestly axiomatic that white elephants exist (for proof by blatant assertion consult Mark Twain 'The Stolen White Elephant'). Therefore all elephants are white. By corollary 1 everything is white.

    Theorem 2. Alexander the Great did not exist and he had an infinite number of limbs.

    Proof. We prove this theorem in two parts. First we note the obvious fact that historians always tell the truth (for historians always take a stand, and therefore they cannot lie). Hence we have the historically true sentence, 'If Alexander the Great existed, then he rode a black horse Bucephalus.' But we know by corollary 2 everything is white; hence Alexander could not have ridden a black horse. Since the consequent of the conditional is false, in order for the whole statement to be true the antecedent must be false. Hence Alexander the Great did not exist.
    We have also the historically true statement that Alexander was warned by an oracle that he would meet death if he crossed a certain river. He had two legs; and 'forewarned is four-armed.' This gives him six limbs, an even number, which is certainly an odd number of limbs for a man. Now the only number which is even and odd is infinity; hence Alexander had an infinite number of limbs. We have thus proved that Alexander the Great did not exist and that he had an infinite number of limbs.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 534 ✭✭✭sd123


    daveangel wrote: »
    a few more chat up lines for the girls in the maths class...

    1. On a score of 1 to 2, I'd give you 1
    2. On a score of 1 to 5, you get a phwoar


    Do you enjoy maths?

    Cos we can ADD me and you together,
    SUBTRACT our clothes,
    DIVIDE your legs,
    and MULTIPLY.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 138 ✭✭Mr Minraise


    .


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  • ciano6 wrote: »
    Why was six afraid of seven?
    Because seven eight nine.





    ha ha ha ha ha ha


  • Registered Users Posts: 32 katiewobbles


    I've got a couple of proofs:

    P1: God is Love, so, G = L
    P2: Love is blind, so, L = b
    Substituting: G = b
    Fact: Ray Charles is blind,
    therefore Ray Charles is God


    Proof that 2 = 1
    a = b (Let's pick two equal numbers, a and b.)
    a^2 = a b (Multiply both sides by a.)
    a^2 - b^2 = a b - b^2 (Subtract b^2 from both sides.)
    (a - b)(a + b) = b (a - b) (Factor each side using algebra.)
    a + b = b (Cancel the common factor on both sides )
    b + b = b ; 2b = b (Substitute a = b (step 1) and simplify)
    2 = 1 Divide both sides by b and voila!



    Proof that my dog has three tails:
    A) No dog has two tails
    B) One dog has one more tail than no dog
    C) Two plus one is three!


  • Registered Users Posts: 135 ✭✭ian.f


    What is the solution to ∫ d.Cabin
    ...................................Cabin




    Log Cabin


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,373 ✭✭✭The guy


    Proof that 2 = 1
    a = b (Let's pick two equal numbers, a and b.)
    a^2 = a b (Multiply both sides by a.)
    a^2 - b^2 = a b - b^2 (Subtract b^2 from both sides.)
    (a - b)(a + b) = b (a - b) (Factor each side using algebra.)
    a + b = b (Cancel the common factor on both sides )
    b + b = b ; 2b = b (Substitute a = b (step 1) and simplify)
    2 = 1 Divide both sides by b and voila!

    You divided by zero, oh ****.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 58 ✭✭stripypumkin


    They say that alcohol and calculus do not mix....
    THEREFORE...

    Never drink and derive!!


    wuh wuh wuh:D


  • Registered Users Posts: 14,163 ✭✭✭✭danniemcq


    kearnsr wrote: »
    What do mathematicians do when they are constipated?

    They work it out with logs

    using a pencil :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 40 eoinalmighty


    To prove: Girls are evil

    Proof:

    Girls take time and money

    Girls=Time x Money

    But Time is money

    Time=Money

    Therefore, Girls = Money^2

    As we all know money is the root of all evil

    Money = Evil^0.5

    Thus Girls = (Evil^0.5)^2
    Girls = Evil

    Oh my lord run for your lives


  • Registered Users Posts: 16,101 ✭✭✭✭Pherekydes



    Girls take time and money

    Girls=Time x Money

    Time and money means time plus money, not time multiplied by money.

    Spectacular Fail.

    No Grade.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 40 eoinalmighty


    Slow coach wrote: »
    Time and money means time plus money, not time multiplied by money.

    Spectacular Fail.

    No Grade.

    Ah wotayagonado? Sue me? It works in school even with flaws. Technically this "+" is called plus!
    Ok lets say you're going out with a girl for say one month and it costs you 1 grand. In 2 months it would cost you 2 grand or in 12 months 12grand. (these womenfolk are expensive) Thus the cost depends on the time spent. If we take money to be the constant m we see that girls are equal to m multiplied by the time spent on the them e.g. 12m or 2m.

    So actually Girls=Time x Money is true


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,806 ✭✭✭ Marcus Uptight Valley


    Yore ma is so stupid she tried to minimize a 12 variable function to a minimal sum of products expression using a karnaugh map instead of the Quine-McCluskey Algorithm


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