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Hi all,
Vanilla are planning an update to the site on April 24th (next Wednesday). It is a major PHP8 update which is expected to boost performance across the site. The site will be down from 7pm and it is expected to take about an hour to complete. We appreciate your patience during the update.
Thanks all.

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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Comments

  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,656 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Did you know ?


    Dutch footballer, Ryan Babel, speaks more than twelve languages.


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,083 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    The heavy metal band Bring Me the Horizon take their name from a quote in a Pirates of the Caribbean movie in which Jack Sparrow says, "Now bring me the horizon."

    Am I missing something blatantly obvious here or what?


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,385 ✭✭✭its_steve116


    Did you know ?


    Dutch footballer, Ryan Babel, speaks more than twelve languages.

    Erm, this is not the "I bet you didn't know" thread...


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    Did you know ?


    Dutch footballer, Ryan Babel, speaks more than twelve languages.


    Erm, this is not the "I bet you didn't know" thread...




  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,656 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Erm, this is not the "I bet you didn't know" thread...
    The original statement may not have been entirely accurate.


    It really has been a bit of a strange day!

    First, I found a hat full of money, and then I got chased by an angry man with a guitar..?


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,818 ✭✭✭BENDYBINN


    What do you call a barrell
    that tells jokes?




    A gas barrell!


  • Registered Users Posts: 18,069 ✭✭✭✭fryup


    i still remember the first time a girl sat on my face.
    it was the last time i ever loaned anybody my A Team action figures.

    you may have to explain that one to younger users


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,656 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    fryup wrote: »
    you may have to explain that one to younger users
    are they 17 or A-teen ?


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,656 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    What's pink and hard and terrifies most teenage girls ?



    the Leaving Cert maths higher level paper.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 16,287 Mod ✭✭✭✭quickbeam


    fryup wrote: »
    you may have to explain that one to younger users


    I'm far from young, and didn't get it. :eek:


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  • Registered Users Posts: 3,462 ✭✭✭Bob Harris


    The A-team...BA Hannibal Murdoch Face......

    So I'm guessing that kids nowadays don't sing

    Jungle Bells Hannibal smells
    Murdoch flew away
    Face took off his smelly socks and
    threw them at BA


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

    1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

    2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

    3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

    4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

    5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

    6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

    7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

    8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

    9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

    10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

    11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

    12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

    13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

    14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

    15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

    16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

    17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

    18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

    19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,065 ✭✭✭TheChevron


    What a mad day I've had!

    First I found a hat full of money on main street, then a man with a guitar chased me down the road.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,297 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    ^. You can sort of guess how they all voted in the Brexit Referendum. :rolleyes:


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,891 ✭✭✭✭GBX


    Ukrainian authorities are planning to turn the Chernobyl exclusion zone into an amusement park. They say the only difference between it and Disneyland will be that the six foot tall mouse is real.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,656 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Thought I saw the first ever skanger superhero today, he was running down the street wearing a cape.


    Turns out he hadn't paid for his haircut .


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,656 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    A young shark asked his dad, "Why do we always swim circles around people before eating them?"

    He replied, "They taste better if you scare the crap out of them first."


  • Registered Users Posts: 5,618 ✭✭✭TheBody


    Just spotted Sinead O'Connor bird-watching.

    I asked how she was getting on.

    She said, "so far it's been 7 owls and 15 jays".


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,215 ✭✭✭✭Suckit


    ... "Since you took your Dove away.."


  • Registered Users Posts: 14,318 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    Never be afraid to take on something new ... remember, amateurs built the Ark, professionals built the Titanic.


    Definition of a paedophile -- a snobby pedophile.


    I was told I was lacking in self esteem. I knew it was probably obvious to everybody.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 14,318 ✭✭✭✭M.T. Cranium


    I was new at golf, and I hit a ball into a pond.

    One of the members told me, "you have three options. You can drop a ball where your shot crossed the red line, and add one stroke. You can go back as far as you want and drop, same penalty. Or you can play the shot again from the same position, one stroke penalty."

    So I said, "okay, that's all very well, but while you were explaining that, a fish spat out my ball and it's over there beyond those white stakes, see?"

    "Oh that's bad luck," I was told, "now your ball is out of bounds and you have to go back and hit again, add a stroke."

    "Well I'm not sure it's my ball, probably my ball is still down there, and I can hit from here instead."

    "God, you're learning this game fast, it's amazing the progress you've made in just one hole" said the member.

    Then another fish spat out a ball right onto the fairway. The member went over and looked at it -- "are you playing a Titleist four with a black dot?"

    "Yeah," I said, "pretty sure I was."

    "Well that's too bad, because this is a Taylormade, your Titleist is o.b., maybe you do need more lessons after all."


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,462 ✭✭✭Bob Harris


    My neighbours kids have challenged me to a water fight. I'm just waiting for the kettle to boil.


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,310 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    What’s the most common cause of dry skin?























    Towels.


  • Registered Users Posts: 12,083 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    New Home wrote: »
    What’s the most common cause of dry skin?


    Towels.


    Someone was listening to Dermot and Dave today I see! ;)


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
    The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
    The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.
    When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
    This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
    Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
    "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
    "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.


  • Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,310 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    blade1 wrote: »
    Someone was listening to Dermot and Dave today I see! ;)

    Yep, my friend, who told me that joke after I sent her the one about the water fight. :D


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    My parents just told me they would love another child!

    “Great, I would love a little brother” I said

    “That’s not what we meant!” They replied


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,462 ✭✭✭Bob Harris


    I heard that Old Trafford is set for a name change to Netflix Stadium. 
    It'll be known as the Theatre of Streams.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,065 ✭✭✭TheChevron


    A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
    For example:

    Jane ate her friend's lunch.
    Jane ate her friend's colon.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    My wife asked me "is it just me or is the cat getting fat"

    Apparently "No its just you" wasn't the right answer.


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