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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #3572
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    As I am getting older,,,,,,,, I start to think about all the people I’ve lost along the way..

    and I came to the realization that maybe my career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3573
    donegal_man
    Registered Users Posts: 5,700 ✭✭✭donegal_man


    I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
    Turns out customers don't like when you go an extra mile.

    I asked my mother, 'mum are you ashamed of me?'
    She replied, 'don't call me that in front of people'


  • #3574
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,215 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    im not that creative usually , but I started a self portrait....


    Its not like me at all …..
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • #3575
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Don't you just hate that situation when you're picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone's luggage is better than yours.

    Talk about a worst case scenario

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3576
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I’m fat, but I identify as skinny.


    I’m Trans-Slender.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3577
    donegal_man
    Registered Users Posts: 5,700 ✭✭✭donegal_man


    FOR SALE
    One Theramin, untouched


  • #3578
    chooseusername
    Registered Users Posts: 3,583 ✭✭✭chooseusername


    donegal_man wrote: »
    FOR SALE
    One Theramin, untouched
    Very funny ! (after I Googled Theramin)


  • #3579
    notobtuse
    Registered Users Posts: 5,424 ✭✭✭notobtuse


    Does extra virgin olive oil come from very ugly olives?

    You can ignorantly accuse me of "whataboutism," but what it really is involves identifying similar scenarios in order to see if it holds up when the shoe is on the other foot!



  • #3580
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,956 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    "irony" is getting pregnant on a pull out couch..


  • #3581
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    "Man shot in Hong Kong protests."





    Well you would, wouldn't you?

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3582
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,215 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in the world ……


    Then Who is …………. ?
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • #3583
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 76,320 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    A lot of people cry when they cut an onion. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.


  • #3584
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,215 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    My mother keeps raiding my piggy bank ………….


    I think she's going through the change ….
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • #3585
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Bought a new pair of shoes today.

    Shop assistant said they’ll be quite tight for the first week, so I said to him “it’s ok, I don’t need them til next weekend”.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3586
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    What do you call a stolen Tesla?




    An Edison.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3587
    Somara198
    Registered Users Posts: 16 ✭Somara198


    Do you know Joe Soap??
    he`s a slippy guy


  • #3588
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The difference between the sexes;

    If a woman says smell this then it probably smells nice .

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3589
    trashcan
    Registered Users Posts: 3,903 ✭✭✭trashcan


    notobtuse wrote: »
    Does extra virgin olive oil come from very ugly olives?

    Remember Ben Elton had a line on that.. " once in a while I just want some olive oil that's been well shagged .... :cool:


  • #3590
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    How long does it take a Scouser to walk two tiny dogs around the park.

    Chihuahuas!

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3591
    Remouad
    Registered Users Posts: 974 ✭✭✭Remouad


    trashcan wrote: »
    Remember Ben Elton had a line on that.. " once in a while I just want some olive oil that's been well shagged .... :cool:

    7-78257_popeye-thumb-up-png-popeye-emoji.png


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  • #3592
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    "Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime."

    "Was it something I said?"’ asks the son.












    "Yes.'”

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3593
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Why do all Swedish warships have bar codes on the side?

    They Scandinavian

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3594
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    An AA Van passed me earlier and I noticed the driver was sobbing uncontrollably.

    I though ' looks like he's heading for a breakdown'.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3595
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I phoned the local builder and said I wanna skip outside my house.....He said 'Well I'm not stopping you'.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3596
    greenspurs
    Registered Users Posts: 10,215 ✭✭✭✭greenspurs


    What do you call a Dub girl in a white tracksuit ??



    The bride
    247469249_2017413731748359_7675802031635703098_n.jpg

    "Bright lights and Thunder .................... "



  • #3597
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Why don't worms have balls?

    Because they can't dance.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3598
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Recent studies show that 43% of women have used vibrators.

    From this we can conclude that the other 57% bought theirs new.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3599
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I have no words to describe how upset I was after losing my Thesaurus

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #3600
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users Posts: 8,258 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A perfectionist walked into a bar…apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #3601
    GBX
    Registered Users Posts: 11,895 ✭✭✭✭GBX


    I can greet somebody in Native American Indian ...

    Its easy when you know how


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