The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 10-09-2018 6:21pm

A girl goes to Westminster Abbey church a week before her wedding to confess her sins to the priest. Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.Tell me all of your sins my dear. Oh Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times, she says. The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it.. Will this cleanse my soul of my sins the girl asks. No the priest says, But it'll wipe that smile off your face.

An old man bursts into a priest's study and says, I've got to tell you this. I'm 50 years old and for the thirty years I've been married I never cheated on my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since then.....wow! How long has it been since your last Confession ? asks the priest. I've never been to Confession. I'm Jewish. Then why are you telling me this? I'm telling everyone father.

CarrickMcJoe · 10-09-2018 7:41pm

Guy storms into his wife doctors surgery and threatened to knock his block off. " My wife is at home very distressed because you told her she has a lovely gee", he shouted....

Noooo, said the scared doc, " I told her she had acute angina "..…..

Capt'n Midnight · 10-09-2018 9:08pm

My wife lights up the room when she walks in.

Despite it only being 6pm and me having to pay for the electricity.

[Deleted User] · 10-09-2018 10:49pm

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun."
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 11-09-2018 9:23am

Garden Of Eden

In the Garden of Eden, As everyone knows, Lives Adam and Eve, Without any clothes. In this garden, Were two little leaves, One covered Adam's, One covered Eve's. As the story goes on, Never the less to say, The wind came along, And blew the leaves away.

At the sight, Adam did stare, There was Eve's treasure, All covered with hair. And wonder came, Under Eve's eyes, As Adam's thing, Started to rise.

They found a spot, That suited them best, A nice big tree, Where they began to rest. Her legs spread wider, And wider apart, While thrill after thrill, Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing, peeked into the hole, and filled her with passion, beyond her control. backward and forward, His thing did slide, and Eve's treasure, was all wet inside.

The joy was good, She wouldn't let loose, Until Adam's thing, was all out of juice. Then down through the years, people did screw, and now it is time, for me and you. So pull down your pants, and lay in the grass, Cause I'm in the mood, for a piece of that ASS!

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 11-09-2018 6:03pm

A guy goes on to a ship to sail and work but he notices no women on board so he runs to the Capitan. Captain theres no women on borad what will we do for pleasure? Captain Ohh... dont worry me laddie just stick ur d*ck in that barrel and everything will be alright. So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his dick in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation. So he does this every day until one day he sticks his dick in the barrel and nothing happens.He runs to the captain and says Captain Captain i stuck my d*ck in the barrel and nothing happed! Captain Ohhh i forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel.

Capt'n Midnight · 11-09-2018 7:58pm

I was gutted today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine...

She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...

Capt'n Midnight · 11-09-2018 8:05pm

I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 11-09-2018 8:50pm

There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get nowhere. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions. The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?" The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun. The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?". The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle. The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues, "Okay, were they doing anything else?" The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking. The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?" The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if he was grabbing the wheel.

Capt'n Midnight · 11-09-2018 9:40pm

Scientists have recently discovered a gene that causes shyness.

They found it hiding behind two other genes

Capt'n Midnight · 11-09-2018 9:45pm

I bought my Grandson an Action Man for his birthday, but he told me he really wanted a Red Indian.

Since then I've been trying to put a brave face on it.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 11-09-2018 9:53pm

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, dam that's the ugliest fu*kin' baby I've ever seen. In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. The bus driver insulted me she fumed. The man sympathized and said, Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers.You're right she said. I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.That's a good idea, the man said. Here, let me hold your monkey.

M.T. Cranium · 12-09-2018 2:38am

I predict the next thing you will read is the funniest thing ever seen on the internet.

the funniest thing ever seen on the internet.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 12-09-2018 6:21pm

A man noticed his wife wasn't quite the same as she used to be. So he takes her to the doctor. The doctor does a bunch of tests. He calls the man into the office. He says, "Well, I've narrowed it down to two things. It's either Aids or Alzheimers." The man says, "Oh, My God What am I going to do? How do I know which one she has?" "Well," says the doctor, "I suggest this: on your way home stop about two blocks from home and drop her off. If she makes it home, don't fu*ck her.

A bear and a rabbit are both taking a sh*t in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit "Do you have a problem with sh*t sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit replies No.So the bear wipes his arse with the rabbit.

A man was being interviewed for a job. Were you in the service? asked the interviewer. Yes says I was a Marine, responded the man. Did you see any active duty? I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability. May I ask what happened? Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.The somewhat surprised man asked, When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability. Everyone else starts at 7 o'clock, but I should be honest with you, explained the interviewer. Nothing gets done before 10 o'clock because we just sit and scratch our balls trying to decide what to do first so you can start at 10 o' clock.

byrner88 · 13-09-2018 1:22am

A young guy turns up at a hotel reception:
"I'd like a single room, please."
"Certainly, sir," said the receptionist. "With bath or shower?"
The guy is bit short of cash, so he asks, "What's the difference?"
She says "Well You have to stand in the shower,"

dilallio · 13-09-2018 2:43pm

ME: what ya up to?
HER: eating a sandwich and catching up on Game of Thrones
ME: oh, SPOILER ALERT the-
HER: LALALALALA NOT LISTENING
[HOUR LATER]
HER: *throwing up*
ME: I was trying to tell you that the deli meat in there is like 6 months old

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 13-09-2018 6:00pm

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class.There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it.Now you must do the same, he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. Second,the professor continued, you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus but licked my index finger?

A little boy asked his dad whats in between mums legs and he says it's paradise my boy. Ok whats in between your legs and he says its the key to paradise.And the boy goes well you better get that lock changed because that pri*k next door has a spare key.

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out. As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, Ma'm, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, Why, officer? Well, your breast is hanging out.She looks down and says oh my god I left the baby on the bus.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 14-09-2018 6:42am

A young man was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked, How often should you have it? His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary. The young fellow then asked his grandfather, Well how about you and grandma now? His grandfather replied, Oh, we just have oral sex now.What's oral sex? The young man asked. Well, grandpa said, she goes to bed in her room, and I go to bed in my room. And she yells, Fu*k you and I holler back, Fu*k you too.

chewed · 14-09-2018 6:52am

What did Russell Crowe do when the cannibal ate his wife?

Nothing – he was Gladiator

ArnoldJRimmer · 14-09-2018 11:17am

chewed wrote: »

What did Russell Crowe do when the cannibal ate his wife?

Nothing – he was Gladiator

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with pubic hair between his teeth?

Gladiator

Jimmy. · 14-09-2018 2:37pm

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 14-09-2018 3:53pm

While out one morning in the park, Andy Murray found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. What's that?she asked, with her eyes gleaming with lust . It's a tennis ball replies Andy Murray.Oh,says the blonde sympathetically, that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once.

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and decided to take it out for a drive on the motorway. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided too put the boot down. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.There is no way they can catch a Mercedes, he thought to himself and up the speed further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. He says to himself what am I doing? Then he thought to himself I better pull over. The police officer came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. It's been a long hard day says the police officer, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go.The guy thinks about it for a second and says, Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back. Have a nice weekend, said the officer.

GBX · 15-09-2018 12:09am

Man applies for a job with the Gardai.
The Inspector says, "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one test before you get the job. Take this gun, go and shoot 6 knackers and a rabbit"!

Bloke asks "Why the rabbit"?

Inspector replies, "Fantastic attitude. See you Monday"!

Capt'n Midnight · 15-09-2018 12:40am

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 15-09-2018 2:22pm

There was a queen and her three knights and the queen said go on a journey, and who ever comes back with the most ping pong balls will be the king.So the knights go on their way.A few days later one knight come to the queen with 1000 ping pong balls. The next day the second knight comes with 10000 ping pong balls. About two or three days later the third one come with no ping pong balls but with bruises, scratches, and a broken leg. The queen says to the knight where are all of your ping pong balls? and the knight says Ping pong balls? I thought you said King Kong balls.

A middle aged management executive was told by his doctor that he should start playing some sort of sport so he decides to play table tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. It's going fine, the manager says.When I'm playing and I see the ball speeding towards me, my brain immediately says, 'To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!'" "Really his secretary replies. What happens then the secretary asks?"Then my body says, 'Who? Me? You must be kidding

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 16-09-2018 1:41pm

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, Talking Dog for Sale. Intrigued, he walks in and asks the dog what have you done with your life?. The dog replies I’ve led a very full life. I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now, I spend my days reading at a retirement home The guy is flabbergasted, he turns to the owner and asks, Why on earth would you want to get rid of a dog like that? The owner says, Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that.

A child psychologist had twin boys one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse sh*it.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

What’s wrong? The father asked.

I have a ton of game manuals to read and I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken! sobbed the pessimist.

Passing the optimist’s room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of horse sh*it. Why are you so happy asked the father?

The optimist shouted, There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere.

Capt'n Midnight · 16-09-2018 8:52pm

People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.

Ted_YNWA · 16-09-2018 8:58pm

Capt'n Midnight wrote: »

People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.

I guess they couldn't see that lightbulb moment.

h7nlrp2v0g5u48 · 16-09-2018 10:29pm

A Rabbi and a Priest have a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.The Priest replies, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God. The Rabbi continues, And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Morgen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The Priest asks, Aren't you having any? The Rabbi replies, No...I think I'll wait for the police to come.

GBX · 17-09-2018 2:45pm

I dont understand women at all. I constantly hear them say "I want a guy who is funny and spontaneous" .... but when I show up at 2am dressed up as a clown its all panic and screaming!!!!

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

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