Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

The try harder if ye want to keep a second joke thread thread

1…116117119121122…171

Comments

  • #3542
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,646 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    The Slinky: Crushing the happiness of children living in bungalows since 1945.


  • #3543
    fr336
    Registered Users Posts: 10,179 ✭✭✭✭fr336


    Virus relieved as it tests negative for Trump (nicked from Private Eye)


  • #3544
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 7,992 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    You got to feel for Philip Schofield. He is only just come out and now is being told to stay in.


  • #3545
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 7,992 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    Don't go to the pub. Don't meet up with your friends. Don't come home with an infection.

    Honestly, Simon Coveney is starting to sound like my fcuking girlfriend.


  • #3546
    joeguevara
    Registered Users Posts: 7,992 ✭✭✭joeguevara


    Just thinking of what it’s going to be like in 5 years time listening to all the Chavs telling darling Covid and Corona to stop fighting and eat their McDonalds.


  • Advertisement
  • #3547
    Princess Consuela Bananahammock
    Registered Users Posts: 32,950 ✭✭✭✭Princess Consuela Bananahammock


    Just back from the shops. Apparently there's no problem if you just wear a mask and some gloves.

    Didn't work - everyone else was wearing clothes.....

    Everything I don't like is either woke or fascist - possibly both - pick one.



  • #3548
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,646 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    If you're worried about coronavirus,

    Rest assured the pharmaceutical industry is working round the clock to find the most profitable cure.


  • #3549
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,938 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    My condolences to all the mammies who this year, instead of going to the pub and getting pissed, have to spend their mothers' day with their kids


  • #3550
    GBX
    Registered Users Posts: 11,888 ✭✭✭✭GBX


    There’s not much left on the shelves so I just bought what I could get my hands on, and I tried crab paste for the very first time.

    It’s revolting - I’m taking it back to the chemist first thing tomorrow to get a refund...


  • #3551
    RobMc59
    Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    I said to the missus last night,"here,put this nurse's outfit on""Oh"she said ,"whys that?"
    I said,"we need a loaf".


  • Advertisement
  • #3552
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,646 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    A man doesn't walk into a pub...


  • #3553
    fr336
    Registered Users Posts: 10,179 ✭✭✭✭fr336


    I keep waking up and realising it wasn't just an awful nightmare - Donald trump really is the president.


  • #3554
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭[Deleted User]


    Mugger arrested after mugging several people today has been charged with violating social distancing rules.


  • #3555
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 11,777 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    Capt'n Midnight wrote: »
    If you're worried about coronavirus,

    Rest assured the pharmaceutical industry is working round the clock to find the most profitable cure treatment.


    FYP

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



  • #3556
    iamstop
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 11,777 Mod ✭✭✭✭iamstop


    Mr Tibbs wrote: »
    The local chipper I go to still wrap their meals in newspaper
    Yesterday I got a Plaice in the Sun

    Old news.

    https://open.spotify.com/album/69JKwCcZGdLqX4Upj3DwP7



  • #3557
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 90,646 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    Germany limiting groups to two people. It's the best zwei to avoid a drei cough.


  • #3558
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    I found a small lump on one of my testicles this morning. I went and had them scanned today. I'm now barred from Dunnes !!


  • #3559
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    Had sex with my girlfriend in the car last night, It was pretty uncomfortable,
    I wish we'd dropped her parents off first


  • #3560
    Edgware
    Registered Users Posts: 5,875 ✭✭✭Edgware


    byrner88 wrote: »
    I phoned the Weak Bladder Helpline about my problem. It's 1p a minute.
    I gave a speech at the National Haemorrhoids Association Conference. I got a standing ovation


  • #3561
    the beer revolu
    Registered Users Posts: 16,725 ✭✭✭✭the beer revolu


    I tried to organise a tantric sex party.
    No one came.


  • Advertisement
  • #3562
    Suckit
    Registered Users Posts: 11,215 ✭✭✭✭Suckit


    Mod-remember this is a pg13 site.


  • #3563
    The Princess Bride
    Registered Users Posts: 18,579 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    Prince Charles has just been diagnosed with corona virus.
    Which goes to show it is heirborn.


  • #3564
    byrner88
    Registered Users Posts: 1,088 ✭✭✭byrner88


    I went to a Porn Addicts Anonymous meeting today.

    What a bunch of ****.


  • #3565
    patmac
    Registered Users Posts: 7,563 ✭✭✭patmac


    Meatloaf is married to an accountant. She'll do anything for love but she won't do VAT


  • #3566
    tobsey
    Registered Users Posts: 1,275 ✭✭✭tobsey


    Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

    "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

    Jane then explained to him what sex was.

    Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

    Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

    She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

    "Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here."

    Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch.

    Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

    Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for?

    "Check for squirrel." he responds


  • #3567
    everlast75
    Registered Users Posts: 18,938 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Phillip?

    Killed in a tunnel.


  • #3568
    The Princess Bride
    Registered Users Posts: 18,579 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    A man died today after jumping on his nemesis from a tall building.
    He was pronounced dead on a rival.


  • #3569
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭[Deleted User]


    Sales of deodorant slump as people try to ensure social distancing!


  • #3570
    RobMc59
    Registered Users Posts: 4,831 ✭✭✭RobMc59


    My neighbour with the big boobs has been walking up and down the garden topless all day..

    Just wish his wife would do the same.


  • Advertisement
  • #3571
    Hagar7
    Registered Users Posts: 724 ✭✭✭Hagar7


    Mod- There is a whole forum dedicated to pics & videos.


Advertisement