How to act around Ex who you feel mistreated you

LegacyUser · 18-05-2016 6:24pm #1

Hi all

I'm a girl in my early 30s and really wish I would have figured how to do this by now! I had been happy being single and I don't really date much so I'd like people's advice on how to manage themselves when running into Ex's...I'm going on a group holiday to another country. Now there's loads of us going so should be plenty of opportunity to avoid this guy but I'm still worried and panicking about it a bit. I know if I was truly over this I would be indifferent but the problem for me is it's more than just being left disappointed that it didn't work. I think this guy has handled things terribly so I don't want anything to do with him now. General advice would be great but if you want me to bore you with the background it's below!

I was seeing this guy for around 3 months, know him through mutual friends. I thought things were going well and we were getting closer. He seemed to be taking the lead, we were having a lot of fun, spending a good bit of time together (and not just for sex) and he had opened up about a few personal things to me. I felt very happy and relaxed about it all. Then he suddenly backed off for a week and was a bit hot and cold the following one, acting weird and was a bit of a **** one day when we were out with friends. I confronted him about it and I guess it pushed me into having the "talk". He felt things had been really full on and he wanted to slow down a bit. I asked him if he saw us going anywhere and he said he wasn't sure yet. This panicked me and I left feeling very confused - I know the running off is due to some of my own issues and insecurities.

I mulled over it and got back to him a week later because I wanted to talk to him and tell him where my head was at. We ended up meeting up and talking again a couple of times over the next few weeks. I told him that I thought we were onto something good, that I'd been having a great time and I'd like to see where it goes with us but I only want to be with him if he treats me right and is open with me about things like wanting space or to slow down. And that if he's not interested to just tell me and I'm happy to leave things. He got back to me with a lot of mixed messages and what I think now are maybe a bunch of stock lines...he's not ready, he's scared, he panics at labels, he has issues he wants to sort out., he's afraid he can't give me what I want. So I said it's a goodbye chat then? He said no. I told him if he's not ready to go away and come back when he is and hopefully I'll still be around. He said that sounds terrible to him. I asked what he wanted and he said he wants to keep doing what we're doing. I asked what he's not ready for, he said more of the same. I asked if he wanted a friends with benefits thing or that he wanted to keep seeing other girls and he said no. He also admitted it was him that had been driving things forward. So it was a total deadlock...he ended up spending the night (no sex) only cuddling but quite an intimate night. This was all very calm and non confrontational by the way...maybe I was wrong to ask questions but I was just trying to find out what was going on.

I thought I'd just leave it after that, that he needed space to think but about a week later we were at a mutual friends event and he just acted like nothing had ever happened between us. This really threw me. At first I felt ok because I had been honest and open with him and I can't do anything more but by the end of the night I felt really angry and confused. I thought it was so weird. That was all over a month ago...I haven't heard from him other than some drunk whatsapp last weekend which made no sense so I think they were accidental. And other than that he's been liking my stuff on FB...which I don't read into but take it that he's trying to be friends. I haven't contacted him. My impression is he's not interested and is trying in a very silly way to be friendly. A mutual friend let it slip at the weekend that he had said all was grand between us which really surprised me and opened up the old wound.

I feel so stupid writing all of this. I know it shouldn't make a difference because the outcome is the same but if he'd just said he didn't want to continue I could have been a bit disappointed and moved on. I don't know if he's oblivious to his behaviour or sticking his head in the sand but to me he's a head wrecker and I feel led on and I don't want to be friendly with someone who treated me like that. Please tell me if I'm overreacting though!.

So on this holiday, I don't want to make it awkward or create tension among friends. I think I can be civil and say hi but I don't want anything to do with him other than that. I suppose I don't know what he'll be like but I'm worried about him trying to be friendly. If he is I feel I have to say something. But to be honest I do want to let him know I don't like how he's acted. I know myself that I can't forgive him unless he acknowledges that it wasn't a nice way to treat me and apologises. I should be focusing on the fact that this is not the kind of person I want to be with but I guess the upcoming holiday is stressing me out. I've thought about sitting it out but it's a lot of money to lose and to be honest I've backed away from situations like this before and I don't want to lose out. I think I need to start facing these type of problems instead of running away.

Any advice appreciated!