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Too many sexual partners?

  • 25-06-2014 4:21pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi all

    I recently started dating a guy and we've been on three dates so far.

    The conversation of 'how many sexual partners have you had?' arose, and me being a very honest person I told him straight, approx 30.

    I am female, 24 years old and as far as I know it is a lot.

    I haven't heard much from him since, which is odd considering his number was 50+.

    The amount of sexual partners someone has had doesn't really bother me. I don't believe a girl is a slut because she enjoys sex, and I don't agree a guy is a pimp because he also enjoys sex. Sex is just sex imo.

    Would this put most guys off? I've read on boards a lot (especially in this forum), that if a guy is going to judge you based on the amount of sexual partners you've had then he needs to mature. Although this may be the online boards opinion, the majority of people in reality don't seem to agree with this opinion.

    I should say, I am a really nice girl, if my friends were to describe me they'd say I was one of the sweetest, friendliest girls you could meet. They would be shocked if they knew how many people I have slept with, it is something which I keep to myself. I find it most unfair if a guy was to judge me based on this. However, I do not feel I should have to lie about the 'number' in order for a guy to 'approve' of me.

    Comments/opinions appreciated.

    Thanks


«13

Comments

  • #2
    coffee_cake
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 81,310 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    I don't think this conversation should be coming up at all after 3 dates OP. Your close friends don't even know so why would you tell some random guy.
    I mean I'm not against it at all but maybe when you're in a relationship and you both don't mind what the answer is. After a couple dates it's pointless, opening a can of worms.


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Yup - agree with Bluewolf. There is no WAY that should be a casual topic of conversation so quick!

    I only told my bf my number a few months ago and we're together 4 years. We were drunk and actually never spoke of it again since.

    I just think it's not one of those things you talk to about after 3 dates :/


  • #4
    Tilly
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,987 ✭✭✭Tilly


    There is no reason to ever tell someone this. Even if you are in a relationship, what/who you've done in the past is none of their business.


  • #5
    stargazer 68
    Registered Users Posts: 5,071 ✭✭✭stargazer 68


    Tilly wrote: »
    There is no reason to ever tell someone this. Even if you are in a relationship, what/who you've done in the past is none of their business.

    This! Im with my partner over 2 years and would never tell him and I would never ask either! Its totally irrelevant to our relationship.


  • #6
    bee06
    Registered Users Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    Dovies wrote: »
    This! Im with my partner over 2 years and would never tell him and I would never ask either! Its totally irrelevant to our relationship.

    Totally agree, I'm engaged and we haven't had this conversation and I have no interest in having it either.


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  • #7
    Alf. A. Male
    Closed Accounts Posts: 740 ✭✭✭Alf. A. Male


    For the life of me I can't understand why people have this cconversation at all. There is no benefit to it and plenty of potential for problems.
    In your situation OP, the fact that you haven't heard from him way be nothing to do with that and maybe he's just not that into you.


  • #8
    Matteroffact
    Registered Users Posts: 457 ✭✭Matteroffact


    Your question being would it put a guy off, I think that the answer would be yes. He might have just said 50 himself off the top of his head when he heard this. The proof is he has not been in touch much. Or even if this has not put him off and he has other reasons for not being in touch it is unfortunate that you had to tell him when you were not even committed to each other. Lesson learned.


  • #9
    Merkin
    Registered Users Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    Dovies wrote: »
    This! Im with my partner over 2 years and would never tell him and I would never ask either! Its totally irrelevant to our relationship.

    Totally agree! I'm married and we haven't had the 'numbers' conversation. It's of absolutely no tangible benefit to either party and is nobody's business really, that information is superfluous.

    I think he'd a bit of a cheek asking you tbh but each to their own. These threads crop up all the time on PI although usually from the one who posed the question and then can't handle the answer.....


  • #10
    curlzy
    Registered Users Posts: 1,708 ✭✭✭curlzy


    I think any guy that thinks badly of you based on how many people you've previously slept with isn't worth your time. ESPECIALLY if his number is higher, he's clearly just sexist and you're better off losing his number in that case. Who has time for someone so backwards, ignorant and petty? Life's too short to waste on someone like that. My number is 2, I got with someone from 19 to 24 and then my current partner at 24 and to be honest I sometimes feel a bit of a prude when the conversation comes up among friends. Never be ashamed, it's your body, do as you wish with it*


    *but be safe!


  • #11
    Saipanne
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,882 ✭✭✭Saipanne


    anon_anon wrote: »
    Hi all

    I recently started dating a guy and we've been on three dates so far.

    The conversation of 'how many sexual partners have you had?' arose, and me being a very honest person I told him straight, approx 30.

    I am female, 24 years old and as far as I know it is a lot.

    I haven't heard much from him since, which is odd considering his number was 50+.

    The amount of sexual partners someone has had doesn't really bother me. I don't believe a girl is a slut because she enjoys sex, and I don't agree a guy is a pimp because he also enjoys sex. Sex is just sex imo.

    Would this put most guys off? I've read on boards a lot (especially in this forum), that if a guy is going to judge you based on the amount of sexual partners you've had then he needs to mature. Although this may be the online boards opinion, the majority of people in reality don't seem to agree with this opinion.

    I should say, I am a really nice girl, if my friends were to describe me they'd say I was one of the sweetest, friendliest girls you could meet. They would be shocked if they knew how many people I have slept with, it is something which I keep to myself. I find it most unfair if a guy was to judge me based on this. However, I do not feel I should have to lie about the 'number' in order for a guy to 'approve' of me.

    Comments/opinions appreciated.

    Thanks

    Simple answer. No, it wouldn't put me off, but I try avoid those conversations.


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  • #12
    happypants
    Registered Users Posts: 280 ✭✭happypants


    As many other posters have said- no good can come of that conversation! I'm with oh 5+ years we are engaged and have just had a baby together, we have not discussed this. I don't want to know and I presume he doesn't either! Forget your man and move on. Perhaps avoid that topic in future and if a bloke asks I would question him on why he wants to know!


  • #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I appreciate all the advice but I was asked the question. It would have been worse had I have said 'I don't want to answer that' as it would sound like I had something to hide, which I hadn't.

    We slept together on all three dates, including the first. So it's quite possible that this is only a FWB situation.

    I am so tired of FWB situations. When I have really liked a guy in the past I've held off for 5 or so dates, then they just ended.

    I've no idea what to do now.


  • #14
    Saipanne
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,882 ✭✭✭Saipanne


    Anon_anon wrote: »
    I appreciate all the advice but I was asked the question. It would have been worse had I have said 'I don't want to answer that' as it would sound like I had something to hide, which I hadn't.

    We slept together on all three dates, including the first. So it's quite possible that this is only a FWB situation.

    I am so tired of FWB situations. When I have really liked a guy in the past I've held off for 5 or so dates, then they just ended.

    I've no idea what to do now.

    FWB?

    In my experience, the most healthy and long lasting relationships were ones where we waited and took our time, even if its just a few dates. If he really wants you he will wait.

    And I always avoid the question, it brought me no harm to do so.


  • #15
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    Saipanne wrote: »
    FWB?

    In my experience, the most healthy and long lasting relationships were ones where we waited and took our time, even if its just a few dates. If he really wants you he will wait.

    And I always avoid the question, it brought me no harm to do so.

    You could also say that if he really wants you he'll still want you regardless of how early on in the relationship you have sex with each other.

    There's really no right or wrong op as long as you're comfortable, the right person will be the right person whether you wait or not imo.

    As for the number of partners- as long as you look after your sexual health it has no bearing on anything.


  • #16
    YumCha
    Closed Accounts Posts: 519 ✭✭✭YumCha


    Saipanne wrote: »
    In my experience, the most healthy and long lasting relationships were ones where we waited and took our time, even if its just a few dates. If he really wants you he will wait.

    Well in my experience I've seen lots of healthy and long lasting relationships start with going home on a night out, and I think if you're two consenting adults who want to rip off each other's clothes then it's totally fine to do that without waiting for some weird arbitrary point in time where a woman's modesty has been sufficiently preserved and a gentleman's intentions proven.

    OP - I really don't buy into some of the advice about the question being asked to early, or that it should never be broached at all. I think the onus lies not on you being honest (and all power to you!), but on the guy who asked you - if he wasn't able to handle the answer that's totally on him and his insecurities.

    You're right - there is a terrible double standard afoot, and ideally you'd be able to talk about this honestly on date number whatever (if brought up by the other party) and have it not make one iota of difference. However, because REASONS, in the future I think you're well within your rights to not answer if you don't want to, or to quiz them back about why they need to know. I'd say their answers would be quite indicative of whether they deserve your honesty or not.


  • #17
    Czarcasm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,076 ✭✭✭✭Czarcasm


    Anon_anon wrote: »
    I appreciate all the advice but I was asked the question. It would have been worse had I have said 'I don't want to answer that' as it would sound like I had something to hide, which I hadn't.

    We slept together on all three dates, including the first. So it's quite possible that this is only a FWB situation.

    I am so tired of FWB situations. When I have really liked a guy in the past I've held off for 5 or so dates, then they just ended.

    I've no idea what to do now.


    For what it's worth now OP, in the future if a guy asks you how many sexual partners you've had, any answer you give him will be the wrong answer.

    People who have the least bit of cop on who are secure in themselves, never feel a need to know who or how many people "got there before them". These people who need to know your "number" are more likely to view you as a possession than a person, and if all they can focus on is who was there before them, they're not focused on you as a whole person.

    You shouldn't feel that you have to hide your PSH, but you're under no obligation to discuss it either, and if a person cannot accept that you have no wish to discuss your past, they're probably not the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with.


  • #18
    Saipanne
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,882 ✭✭✭Saipanne


    To both of you. The time wasters won't wait. Its a filtration system.

    Does it solve everything? No. I'm not saying that. But some guys are only after one thing. It helps get rid of them. But it doesn't solve everything. Ok?


  • #19
    Lou.m
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,532 ✭✭✭Lou.m


    Ok firstly I would never ask ...

    Secondly if i found a guy had 50 partners I would be slightly put off. I would wager that we were totally different beings and wired differently. Sex is never just sex for me.

    But because I tend to prejudge its prob why you should never ask.

    There is no point in trying to define what is right for others. It is highly personal. And you need to go with what feels right for you and don't assume it is right for everyone else. I need to be in a relationship for it to be right for me. But that is certainly not right for all.

    OP if he asks .....that is a reason not to answer.

    I would just say though....I would not make a guy wait for the SAKE of waiting ...I would go with when it felt like we were on the same emotional page and we had given each other some commitment. Not saying we have to be in luuuruuve. But I would be more comfortable it happened within monogamy.

    Thats just me ...it should be held up as a yardstick for what is 'normal' or 'right' or anything like that.

    I don't consider men and women who have lots of partners sluts....they might not be right for me though.


  • #20
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    It wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but I'm like you, I think sex can just be sex and it's not a big deal, if someone's number was 3 or 63 it would make no difference to me.

    Some people do think differently about it though, like with Lou above, some people are different and it may effect whether or not they think you're compatible.
    Anon_anon wrote: »
    I appreciate all the advice but I was asked the question. It would have been worse had I have said 'I don't want to answer that' as it would sound like I had something to hide, which I hadn't.

    It wouldn't necessarily sound like you have something to hide. As you can see from the replies in this thread, lot's of people just don't think there's any benefit to having that conversation. A simple joking "that's none of your business you cheeky sod" would be answer enough for most people. There's loads of reasons people would prefer not to answer that question, anyone decent isn't going to push the issue if you don't want to answer, and unless they've deeper issues at play in them they're probably not going to think any more about it.
    We slept together on all three dates, including the first. So it's quite possible that this is only a FWB situation.

    I am so tired of FWB situations. When I have really liked a guy in the past I've held off for 5 or so dates, then they just ended.

    I've no idea what to do now.

    Just do whatever you feel is right at the time. Some people will tell you you should hold off for 5 dates or so to 'filter out' the guys only after one thing, but you'll 'filter out' just as many genuine guys that want genuine girls and not someone playing silly little games by doing that too, potentially ruining things before they have a chance to develop.

    Just do what you feel is right at the time with the person in question. It'd be madness to not be yourself when what you're seeking is someone that will like you for who you are enough to be in a relationship with you, and your sexuality is an innate part of who you are (and a pretty important part when it comes to an adult relationship).


  • #21
    Lou.m
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,532 ✭✭✭Lou.m


    I agree with strobe in always going with what feels right for you OP.

    Telling a man or a woman to wait simply to filter if they don't want to is as bad as telling someone to do it on the first night if they don't want to. Just do what is right for you and the other person of course.

    I think actually by being who you are you are more likely to find who you are right for naturally.

    I suppose in the End a guy who had many partners could be very sweet and suit me ....and a guy who had 2 would be terrible.

    I guess you should go by how people treat you and how you get on.

    Do what you feel comfortable with as regards your sex life. Don't let others make you feel uncomfortable for doing what is natural to you whether is sex on a 1st or the 5th or when you feel a connection. It would be the same as pressurizing someone to have sex before they were ready in a relationship.


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  • #22
    Frank Lee Midere
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,780 ✭✭✭Frank Lee Midere


    I agree with "don't ask don't tell".

    However despite what is common knowledge on the Internet people will take sexual activity into account. Just say you really like some one and hope for a monogamous relationship. It's a bit optimistic to think that the person who has had 50 sexual encounters will suddenly become totally faithful on number 51.

    It depends of course on age. 50 in 20 years is not the same as 50 in 6. But it does matter.


  • #23
    beks101
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,802 ✭✭✭beks101


    Anon_anon wrote: »
    I appreciate all the advice but I was asked the question. It would have been worse had I have said 'I don't want to answer that' as it would sound like I had something to hide, which I hadn't.

    We slept together on all three dates, including the first. So it's quite possible that this is only a FWB situation.

    I am so tired of FWB situations. When I have really liked a guy in the past I've held off for 5 or so dates, then they just ended.

    I've no idea what to do now.

    Next time playfully deflect the question. Anyone who asks is looking for trouble, as you can't really win either way. Too low and you're a 'prude' or 'sexually inexperienced', too many and you're 'promiscuous', a 'fun time girl', 'unreliable'.

    I would never answer such a question as it basically reduces my entire sexuality and years of dating, relationships, learning about my sexuality and preferences etc into some simple number that takes no account of the intricacies of my sexual and emotional development and can too easily be misinterpreted.

    Personally, the meaningful relationships I've had developed emotionally first and foremost. I didn't "withhold sex" but I just invested in getting to know that person and getting inside their head and figuring them out a little before getting physical with them.

    The sexual tension would always have been tangible between us, innuendo rife and flirting pretty intense etc, but my attitude would've been - I can get laid any day of the week - it's not so often you meet someone who you can have that kind of connection with. So I'd prioritize the conversation and the getting-to-know-yous until I felt comfortable and safe and ready to have what would be more than just another meaningless shag.

    So my advice would be - do what makes you comfortable. Do what makes you YOU. Don't use sex as a bartering tool or have it on anyone else's schedule but your own. Honour your sexuality, celebrate it and respect the things that make you tick - whether that's casual sex or sex invariably involving emotional intimacy and attachment.


  • #24
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    Frank Lee Midere wrote: »
    I agree with "don't ask don't tell".

    However despite what is common knowledge on the Internet people will take sexual activity into account. Just say you really like some one and hope for a monogamous relationship. It's a bit optimistic to think that the person who has had 50 sexual encounters will suddenly become totally faithful on number 51

    The amount of sexual partners someone has had isn't an indication of how faithful they are in relationships.

    Someone could be single for a year and have 1 one night stand each week during that time and that would bring their number up to over fifty in one year but it has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not they can be monogamous with a partner once they are in a relationship.


  • #25
    Frank Lee Midere
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,780 ✭✭✭Frank Lee Midere


    Tasden wrote: »
    The amount of sexual partners someone has had isn't an indication of how faithful they are in relationships.

    Someone could be single for a year and have 1 one night stand each week during that time and that would bring their number up to over fifty in one year but it has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not they can be monogamous with a partner once they are in a relationship.

    Yeah. So says the Internet. In real life I am not so sure. A propensity to go out and get laid every week probably is an indicator of a less than monogamous nature. At least at that point in time.


  • #26
    Saulcortez
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 19 ✭Saulcortez


    Frank Lee Midere wrote: »
    I agree with "don't ask don't tell".

    However despite what is common knowledge on the Internet people will take sexual activity into account. Just say you really like some one and hope for a monogamous relationship. It's a bit optimistic to think that the person who has had 50 sexual encounters will suddenly become totally faithful on number 51.

    It depends of course on age. 50 in 20 years is not the same as 50 in 6. But it does matter.

    It baffles me how you think someone who has had 50 sexual partners must therefore have been unfaithful.


  • #27
    Tasden
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,166 ✭✭✭Tasden


    Frank Lee Midere wrote: »
    Yeah. So says the Internet. In real life I am not so sure. A propensity to go out and get laid every week probably is an indicator of a less than monogamous nature. At least at that point in time.

    Or it shows that the single person has physical needs same as any person that is in a relationship, only difference is they find a new partner each week, or however often (once a week was just to illustrate that 50 in a year doesn't exactly mean a person was having orgies every hour of the day) to fulfill their needs.


  • #28
    Saulcortez
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 19 ✭Saulcortez


    Frank Lee Midere wrote: »
    Yeah. So says the Internet. In real life I am not so sure. A propensity to go out and get laid every week probably is an indicator of a less than monogamous nature. At least at that point in time.

    It's an indication that a person enjoys sex, it's not an indication that they would cheat in a monogomous relationship


  • #29
    Czarcasm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,076 ✭✭✭✭Czarcasm


    Saulcortez wrote: »
    It's an indication that a person enjoys sex, it's not an indication that they would cheat in a monogomous relationship


    In truth, a person's PSH is an indicator of nothing, and attempting to justify "numbers" is no different from passing judgment upon a person for their past. I know you don't mean it to be a negative judgment, but when you actually try to justify your PSH (and this goes in spades for the OP), you're giving validity to another persons opinion and their judgment of you.

    The OP knows her friends would judge her for her PSH, so she hasn't told them, and they think she's lovely, but the OP is worried what they might think of her if they DID know. The simple fact of the matter is they don't have to know, and neither do any future potential boyfriends.

    A person can be a different person with different people, so when they meet someone new, their relationship with that person will be a completely different dynamic to the person they were with before, because the new person is not the same person as the last guy.

    That's why the whole "numbers" idea is a load of nonsense that most people will have grown out of by the end of their teenage years.


  • #30
    ted1
    Registered Users Posts: 23,233 ✭✭✭✭ted1


    Czarcasm wrote: »
    In truth, a person's PSH is an indicator of nothing, and attempting to justify "numbers" is no different from passing judgment upon a person for their past. I know you don't mean it to be a negative judgment, but when you actually try to justify your PSH (and this goes in spades for the OP), you're giving validity to another persons opinion and their judgment of you.

    The OP knows her friends would judge her for her PSH, so she hasn't told them, and they think she's lovely, but the OP is worried what they might think of her if they DID know. The simple fact of the matter is they don't have to know, and neither do any future potential boyfriends.

    A person can be a different person with different people, so when they meet someone new, their relationship with that person will be a completely different dynamic to the person they were with before, because the new person is not the same person as the last guy.

    That's why the whole "numbers" idea is a load of nonsense that most people will have grown out of by the end of their teenage years.


    what PSH? you seem to be the only one using it?

    OP, remember that lots of guys will always exaggerate their number.

    I don't think 30 is a lot for single lady to have in 7 odd years.


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  • #31
    Czarcasm
    Closed Accounts Posts: 10,076 ✭✭✭✭Czarcasm


    ted1 wrote: »
    what PSH? you seem to be the only one using it?

    OP, remember that lots of guys will always exaggerate their number.

    I don't think 30 is a lot for single lady to have in 7 odd years.



    PSH = Previous Sexual History, which really can't be reduced to numbers, because as you've done yourself without realising it - 30 sexual partners in seven years tells you nothing about the person. All it does is give the next poster the opportunity to say "Ooh that's a lot, etc", which does the OP no favours as she's still left with the idea that her PSH is somehow important, when the reality is that it really isn't.

    beks actually said it better earlier -

    beks101 wrote: »
    I would never answer such a question as it basically reduces my entire sexuality and years of dating, relationships, learning about my sexuality and preferences etc into some simple number that takes no account of the intricacies of my sexual and emotional development and can too easily be misinterpreted.


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