Friend throwing his life away

azezil · 19-05-2002 12:06pm #1

I ran into a guy I’ve known since primary school, never really close but close enough to care what happens to him.

He really intelligent, he got into UL, dropped out, WIT, dropped out again and for the last 6 months he's been on the doll!

His family are well off but have pretty much disowned him...

I want to help, but I haven't seem him nearly 3 years, and as I said we were never great friends or anything but I’d like to help out... how should I or would you go about it?

Gordon · 19-05-2002 12:10pm

Ask him out for a pint and see where it leads.

azezil · 19-05-2002 12:11pm

A big Sob fest hey?

could work i suppose

Gordon · 19-05-2002 12:19pm

That's the one. I'm sure you'll find out what it is he really wants to do deep down if you ply him with alcohol and get him ratted!

The Corinthian · 19-05-2002 12:19pm

Suggest to him (over said pint) that a change of scene might be a good idea, that he go off and live abroad for a bit. Best cure for a rutt, I've found.

Corega · 19-05-2002 12:36pm

Ask him what his goal in life is.

azezil · 19-05-2002 12:42pm

Yeah can I get some more specific things to say please, like that goal in life type thing.

Gordon · 19-05-2002 12:48pm

Find out what it is that his parents want him to do.
Find out what it is that he has wanted to do in his wildest dreams - if he won the lottery, if he had 3 wishes etc.

azezil · 19-05-2002 1:02pm

His family are a bit "well-to-do" and he has been rebelling against them all his life, I don't see him doing what they want!

Ok, I'm gonna have to establish a dialog, try to meet up on a semi-regular basis develop a relationship i suppose... can't really jump right in after 3 years!!

Gordon · 19-05-2002 1:06pm

Originally posted by azezil
His family are a bit "well-to-do" and he has been rebelling against them all his life, I don't see him doing what they want!

Exactly, that could be the problem.

Tbh tho mate, this doesn't really belong in PI, t'is more Psychoanalysis, see a doctor

azezil · 19-05-2002 1:11pm

Originally posted by Gordon
Tbh tho mate, this doesn't really belong in PI, t'is more Psychoanalysis, see a doctor

Oi don't push me

[edit]its your call now

[/edit]

mod edit test

alb · 19-05-2002 1:45pm

Ask him why he dropped out of college twice? Was he just doing the wrong courses, did he choose these courses for the wrong reasons? or was it something else like depression that was the problem. You said he's well capable of the academic side.

Gordon · 19-05-2002 1:54pm

Originally posted by azezil
Oi don't push me

[edit]its your call now [/edit]

!

/me is scared

Corega · 19-05-2002 3:45pm

Yeah can I get some more specific things to say please, like that goal in life type thing.

1) Does he feel he has to live up to his parents expectations (unlikely but worth a try).

2) Is he rebelling for a reason or just for the heck of it, if it's the latter tell him to sort his s**t out.

And finally a question or two. Has your mate ever had a long term relationship/permanent job? (these two may not seem relavant but they are). And finally does he realise that his friends and family are concerned about his welfare?

azezil · 19-05-2002 3:50pm

Originally posted by Corega
And finally does he realise that his friends and family are concerned about his welfare?

I can't really claim to be a friend, yes we went to the same primary and secondary school, had some interaction but never "hung out".

Maybe its not my place to intervene at all but i care about the people i know

Corega · 19-05-2002 4:02pm

I reckon that if you care about him you're a mate.

nanook · 20-05-2002 12:44pm

to be honest on this one i would tread carefully, you say you knew the guy in school three years ago and have not been a close friend since then.

You have a friend who you have not seen in a long time, you do ask him for a drink or even two if the need be, you find out about old times and see how things are you going with him (you already have some info on his past dropping out of uni etc.) and you let him tell you what he wants you to know and then you act on that. i dont mean to shut ideas down but you do not ask him his goals, you have only met by chance, not like you called each other or someone traced you down, so please be carefull. The intentions that you have which are very good will now be looked on as interference.

Man you have a good heart but be careful, you have a situation with someone who is down on their luck they might not like the interference, let him open to you and then take it from there. I have a bit of experience in this so if you want to continue it you can pm me if you want.

yellum · 20-05-2002 6:34pm

Isn't his life to throw away ? You are not very close to him and yet you want to change his life ? Do you want to do this for him or for your own ego ?

Has he asked for help ? Does he actually need help ? Doggoders can do so much damage trying to make up for their own crappy lives by trying to shape the life of someone else.

If you're a friend stay away from messing with his life and just socialise with him.

Its pretty damned cheeky of you to suggest hes throwing his life away because he dropped out of college and is on the dole. If hes happy let him be. Theres a qualified solicitor sweeping our streets and hes happy doing that, and would probably be mightily annoyed if someone decided to help him out.

SantaHoe · 20-05-2002 9:07pm

"Oh hi, I know we haven't spoken in years, but I'm here to save you from your crappy life"
A bit of an insult tbh.
Best test the water for a while first methinks... ie. probe - don't nag.

azezil · 21-05-2002 5:20pm

i suppose it is a bit unrealistic to assume i can change his life for him, but from the conversation i had with him last week he seemed to me to be anything but happy thus the feeling i should do something...

i'll take it slowly if he asks for help i'll give it, probably better for all parties involved that way.

SantaHoe · 21-05-2002 6:19pm

Even just being there, and offering some words of support is a good boost... I'd only suggest - try being a friend first, and a life-reorganizer second.
You could be shooting yourself in the foot if you go in with the attitude of "I'm running your life now, listen up", it could make him 'shut you out' or whatever.
Then again, it could be just what he's always wanted... I wouldn't know since I've never met the bloke

Occidental · 22-05-2002 1:28pm

Go out for a pint with him and do lots of listening. If he's looking for help, advice or anything else, you'll know by the end of the night.

darthmise · 22-05-2002 1:59pm

Dropping out of College (even twice) isn't the be all and end all!
There is life beyond college. That alone doesn't mean he's wasting his life.

Maybe he doesn't want the same things for himself that everyone else wants for him, like his parents.

If he was depressed about it, theres professionals for that, how do you think you can help him? It's his familys' role to help him if his depressed.

Most of the time anyway the person themselves wakes up one day and realises they're drifting along and get such a fright that they do something about it.

I guess your intentions are good but that doesn't mean you would be helping him. If i thought someone had such a low opinion of me as you do of your friend, i'd flatten them.

I wouldn't interfere if i were you. People find they're own feet in this world, eventually.

azezil · 22-05-2002 2:08pm

I don't have a low opinion of him, actually I have a quite high opinion of him, I know he's intelligent.

He said to me that he'd prefer to be out working but can't find anything, and I could tell by him that he's depressed, as would anyone being on the doll for 6 months i'd imagine. The reason i started the thread was because he approached me, to my surprise since we haden't talked in years, and just told me all that was going on in his life.

If some does that i think they're crying out for help, thus i felt i should at least try to do something.

darthmise · 22-05-2002 2:19pm

But you have no idea how to help him, otherwise you wouldn't be asking everyone here.

SO don't get out of your depth, dealing with people who are depressed is not like helping a buddy over a break-up.

He's intelligient you said so he'll figure out what is best for him. It might take him a while but he'll get there. Show a bit of faith in him, i'd say his parents give him enough grief as it is.

Does he smoke?

If he does you could tell him to cut that out for a bit, it's hard to motivate yourself to do something for yourself when you're toasted all the time.

Friend throwing his life away

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