Depressed Friends

smiles · 18-05-2002 12:56pm #1

At the moment I have a friend who is very very depressed, and i dont know what to do, he turns to me for support/advise - thing is he doesnt consider being depressed a bad thing, it makes him creative and i can see where he is coming from form my own past experiences, but considering some of the dangerous stuff that he's done just because he thinks he lacks experience/excitement I know that it's not good for him right now, but what can I say or do that will make things easier on him - he hates it when people treat it like it's a problem, but i dont know what else i can do.

any advice?

<< Fio >>

Gordon · 18-05-2002 1:05pm

To be a good friend, just be there when he needs you. He may be needing help but he most certainly doesn't want it to seem that way. If you join his wavelength then your advice will matter more. It's not like he wants you to be depressed and do wild things but he probably wants you to share the experiences that he is going through.

But in this field, if it truly is dangerous, he will appreciate someone caring about him, he does need told about that kind of stuff - "I don't think you should do that, you could really damage yourself", it makes him feel special see, and being special is something that he is just finding out about right now, it could be his awakening indeed.

Hope you get on OK

Kali · 18-05-2002 3:27pm

But in this field, if it truly is dangerous, he will appreciate someone caring about him, he does need told about that kind of stuff - "I don't think you should do that, you could really damage yourself", it makes him feel special see, and being special is something that he is just finding out about right now, it could be his awakening indeed

now obviously it depends on the particular person in question, but being overprotective and gently persuading him not to do something as you've just outlined is in my opinion just not oging to work. sit them down and tell them to cop themselves on or they're going to kill or seriously injure themselves (whatever).. if you are as you say a good friend, being firm is much more effective.. and has worked in my experiences (which i feel no need to share) quite well, basically if they have any sense they'll realise that you are only being heavy handed/firm because you care about them. if they don't realise that then say it (or else they're not really a friend that you want at all)..

Shinji · 18-05-2002 3:32pm

All you can do really is be there, and listen - even though sometimes listening to people's woes repeated isn't great fun, a good friend will sit and listen regardless. A sympathetic ear is one of the most valuable things you can provide to anyone.

Sometimes, if a person is doing dangerous things as a result of depression, the best approach is to show them that you, personally, care. Very often their attitude is "who would notice if I was gone", etc; you have to impress onto them that if they hurt themselves or killed themselves, it would hurt YOU really badly - if they're incapable of caring about themselves, make them feel responsible for YOUR feelings. Extract promises from them if possible; I had a friend who used to cut himself with a knife, which frankly scared the crap out of me. I made him promise that he wouldn't do it again because of how much it scared me; and I guess the promise meant something, because he never did it again that I know of...

smiles · 19-05-2002 2:08pm

Well, i've tried being firm and being sympathetic, and so on and so forth. Doesnt seem to make a difference, just makes him say that i'm a great person for caring but he's not.

As for letting him know that I really care about himand would notice if he was gone? Tried stuff like that before and the response i've gotten was "Well I wouldnt kill myself until after the Leaving cause that'd be too much pressure on you and another girl i know"

<< Fio >>

Shinji · 19-05-2002 2:35pm

I'm not a psychologist. Don't take anything I say here as gospel. Talk to a counsellor if you're really worried about this.

However;

It sounds like your friend isn't actually in any danger. In my experience anyone who talks that openly and rationally about suicide isn't going to do it any time soon; it's an attention-seeking ploy. This doesn't mean you don't treat it seriously, of course.

Has it occured to you that this person may be seeking attention and sympathy specifically from you? It's an odd way to try and win a young lady's heart, I confess, but I've seen odder...

Kali · 19-05-2002 2:40pm

and the response i've gotten was "Well I wouldnt kill myself until after the Leaving cause that'd be too much pressure on you and another girl i know

my god how considerate. thats almost laughable.

[edit:]

think shinji might have a good point there. it doesn't at all sound serious.. but then again if you are very concerned, get help. have a chat to a few other of his friends (if he has any left) and get their opinions first... they might have never seen this behaviour (and if so shinjis probably right, unwanted attention).

azezil · 19-05-2002 2:43pm

It sounds like your friend isn't actually in any danger. In my experience anyone who talks that openly and rationally about suicide isn't going to do it any time soon; it's an attention-seeking ploy.

I agree with Shinji, I know 2 people like that, they constantly go on and on about, in my experience it purely for attention.

smiles · 19-05-2002 2:45pm

Originally posted by Shinji
I'm not a psychologist. Don't take anything I say here as gospel. Talk to a counsellor if you're really worried about this.

I know that what people say isn't gospel, this person has been to counsellors, doctors, etc.

antidepressants didnt agree with him and made him very very manic.

Has it occured to you that this person may be seeking attention and sympathy specifically from you? It's an odd way to try and win a young lady's heart, I confess, but I've seen odder...

it's not like that. i know the people he likes and he doesnt turn to them for fear of hurting them.

<< Fio >>

smiles · 19-05-2002 2:48pm

Originally posted by azezil

I agree with Shinji, I know 2 people like that, they constantly go on and on about, in my experience it purely for attention.

well, i know people like that, and yes attention is part of it.

However i've also been to funerals of people who i thought were like that.

edit: yes, i've talked to his friends, we all know about it and some are worried, some are unconcerned, and others who dont know him very well dont know.

<< Fio >>

deco · 19-05-2002 3:03pm

I don't mean to offend but this person sounds like he's a bit too much in love with his sadness.

Anyway, I know this guys your friend but all I can say is its not your responsibility...its something he's going to have to get through himself.

All you can do is be supportive but don't put his problems on yourself.

Its not your job to make him feel better.

He has to learn to be happy by himself.

azezil · 19-05-2002 3:13pm

Originally posted by smiles

well, i know people like that, and yes attention is part of it.

However i've also been to funerals of people who i thought were like that.

edit: yes, i've talked to his friends, we all know about it and some are worried, some are unconcerned, and others who dont know him very well dont know.

<< Fio >>

Yeah that's true too... proceed with caution, and maybe professional help is the only real answer.

Depressed Friends

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