Did we do a bad thing?

PiE · 18-04-2002 1:43am #1

Hmm, well y'see it's like this. I have this friend and he's gay. I'm not supposed to know this but I do because he came onto my best friend. We all know. Anyway, a load of us were out on Friday night and the gay lad was with us. We had a few drinks and decided to go into Burger King. The gay lad went to the toilet and for some reason or another we decided to tell him we know he's gay. He took it as a joke kinda thing but it was obvious we werent joking. Anyway, the topic changed and noone mentioned it really for the rest of the night. Well, I might have told him to keep to his own kind (IN A JOKING KIND OF WAY!) when he was being eyed up by some girl.

Anyway, tonight he txts me and says "Thank you very much" and I'ma confused. Did we do a bad thing or was it a good thing that we told him?

LegacyUser · 18-04-2002 8:41am

"Did we do a bad thing or was it a good thing that we told him?"

in those particular conditions? I believe you already know the answer to that one yourself! cruel would be the word I would use

seamus · 18-04-2002 11:45am

Ugh, that's the problem with txts. You can't tell someone's tone cos smiles are a pain in the arse to do. I can't see why 'Thank you very much' could be taken in a sarcastic tone in this situation tho. He could mean, 'Thank you very much, I'd been dying to tell someone', or 'Thank you very much, now everyone thinks I'm gay'. Or it could be completely unrelated. Sounds like you're one of his good mates (he txted you didn't he?). Go and talk to him.

koneko · 18-04-2002 1:32pm

The fact that he thought you were joking, and hasn't mentioned this before, might indicate he isn't fully comfortable with everyone knowing he might be/is gay. Maybe he isn't even sure himself!

To joke with someone about their sexuality they have to be comfortable with it. Perhaps he isn't.... yet. Or maybe he isn't comfortable with so many people knowing. Tell him meant no harm, and if he wants to talk you're there. Or something along those lines :P

azezil · 18-04-2002 1:34pm

Yeah i agree with koneko, it lookes like he wasn't ready for others to know. Try to talk to him about it, that's pritty much all you can do.

Kalina · 18-04-2002 1:56pm

Maybe you shouldn't have said anything to him. He doesn't seem too comfortable with you knowing ... and anyway, why is it important to you? As long as he doesn't make moves on you and freak you out, which he won't do if you are friends and he respects you, then why does his sexuality affect you?

PiE · 18-04-2002 2:56pm

His sexual orientations doesnt bother us, thats probably why we wanted to tell him we knew. See he's been hiding it for about 3 years now. Well I don't know if he's been hiding it or just not making it public knowledge. Anyway, the thing is we're all friends with him, not bestest-buddy kinda things but we kept it to our small group of people that knew. If we had of leaked it then things could have gotten a lot worse for him.

We made it clear we werent joking when we said it and he didnt deny it... the topic just changed :]

Aaaah I dunno.

IRISHLILY24 · 18-04-2002 3:43pm

well I must comment because I was in a very similar situation.
I had a best friend in highschool, and jr.high...I always knew she was gay. She played on an all boys hockey team for many years, she wasnt butch but I always knew having been around gay people my whole life (because of a family member) anyway, I never said anything to her. After we grad. high schol and went off to different colleges I get a letter from her, oh maybe 2 yrs after and she telling me that shes come out of the closet and all her friends and family have dis-owned her. I was sad about that but happy that she confided in me so I worte her back telling her I already knew and that I'd always be there for her....I never heard from her again...I wrote her 4 or 5 times after that and never a word....I still feel bad about it. She was a great person and I just thought it would have made me feel good to know but I guess she thought other wise.
In your case, waiting for him to tell you on his own would have been good but if you can confront him now and talk about it like friends then perhaps its okay. I think he will feel good to know he has your support, I wish I knew what my friend was thinking.:( I dont have the oppurtunity to talk to her about it since we live so far apart and now who knows where she is, highschool was 8 years ago...ughhh, I am getting old;)

goose · 18-04-2002 4:00pm

i would say he is probably no ready to be outted, and is probably scared about everyone knowing.

things like that have a way of getting round to a lot of people very quickly.

and if he is still confused, and doesnt want to do the whole gay thing, he probably doesnt want that.

kitton · 18-04-2002 6:41pm

i'd say it was a bad thing to do,he's obviously not comfortable with it yet and even if he is,its sounds like u decided to discuss it with him in a kinda inappropriate way in an inappropriate place and followed it up with a kinda bitchy comment.i doubt the text message was sincere.but i'm sure it'll be fine if u just talk with him again under better circumstances and apologise if you;ve hurt him.he's the one u should be expaining the situation to.
its fine!

WhiteWashMan · 19-04-2002 8:51am

why dont you ask him?

like any of us know what hes thinking?

rachel · 19-04-2002 10:40am

Originally posted by PiE
See he's been hiding it for about 3 years now. Well I don't know if he's been hiding it or just not making it public knowledge. Anyway, the thing is we're all friends with him, not bestest-buddy kinda things but we kept it to our small group of people that knew. If we had of leaked it then things could have gotten a lot worse for him.
We made it clear we werent joking when we said it and he didnt deny it... the topic just changed :]

Has he actually admitted straight out to anyone that he is gay?
And if not, are you 100% sure that he actually is gay?

PiE · 19-04-2002 3:58pm

Yea, he's admitted it to two of my friends, one of them is his cousin and he told my best friend he fancies him...

It's not quite that easy wwm.

Saw him today and he wasn't overtly hostile to me or anything, but we didnt speak.

*Shrug.

JustHalf · 21-04-2002 1:38am

no-one likes being called gay, even if they are, unless you are gay, in which case it's positive affirmation, but if you're straight, it's an insult like, and shouldn't be said, okay?

Baz_ · 21-04-2002 1:49am

Justhalf is gay btw.

swiss · 21-04-2002 1:23pm

Originally posted PiE:

Saw him today and he wasn't overtly hostile to me or anything, but we didnt speak.

He's probably feeling nervous and afraid of what you know or don't know. He was obviously drunk and perhaps couldn't remember exactly what he had done, hence the ambiguous text message.

You sound a little shocked by the events that have occured. Magnify that by the number of friends this guy has and you get an idea of how nervous he may feel if he thinks ye guys know and he's not prepared for it.

For now, I would recommend that you actually tell the guy that you know, that it's not a big deal and that if he wants to talk about it ye're there to listen. For now, there's not much else you can do. There's no point in forcing the issue, unless he tries something else your friends feel uncomfortable with.

JustHalf · 22-04-2002 10:19am

Originally posted by Baz_
Justhalf is gay btw.

I believe I should have phrased my statement differently.

Also, whoosh!!!

Slider · 20-05-2002 2:18pm

I think that its important that you talk to him about his feelings. He maybe gay, but wasn't ready to come out, the fact that he now knows that ye all know, maybe difficult for him to handle, i believe that if you still regard him as a mate, thank to him, many gay people are frowned upon by society, this is unfair, gays are human, i know about 2 guys who are gay, they are really nice guys, and easy to get on with (and no smart comments, I'm not gay myself) But I do feel this guy needs to discuss his feels and sexualtity with others, PIE if ya ask me, I say just be there for him if he needs someone to listen to him.

Xelsior · 03-06-2002 3:59am

Well Im bi and im not out yet and that has happened me on a few occasions when out with friends from school. Ive told my closest friends but no one in school and when some one says somethin like that it eats me up inside because i havent made the decision to tell others yet and i dont want other people making that decision for me. I think you should just tell your friend that you know, your other friend told ya and you're totally ok with it. And if the comment was insulting you're sorry or whatever. Hope this helps

Shinji · 03-06-2002 1:35pm

You didn't do a "bad" thing as such. Maybe the chap just isn't ready to let you guys know... Give him a little bit of time to come to terms with the fact that you do know, and he'll be fine, probably.

I've done this on a couple of occasions and I've always found that it works out for the best - after a bit of getting used to the concept that it's not a secret any more (and hasn't been for ages), people just get a lot more comfortable both with themselves and with their friends. I guess it's a hell of a release, not having to watch your mouth any more for possible "slips", and being able to be the person you really are without trying to maintain a facade...

hacktavist · 03-06-2002 7:44pm

Who keeps digging this up?

Corega · 06-06-2002 12:45pm

Originally quoted by Seamus;

Ugh, that's the problem with txts. You can't tell someone's tone cos smiles are a pain in the arse to do.

You know what else might be a pain in the arse!!!!!

The majority of gay people take it very seriously, after all it is their private life and your friend might now feel that he is being judged for what he is. Just tell him that you have no prob / dilema with him being homosexual and that it dose'nt effect your opinion of him as a friend.

Did we do a bad thing?

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