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One-Liner Jokes

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Comments

  • #5522
    Xenophile
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,082 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    Five ants rented an apartment and were joined by five more ants. They are now Tenants.

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #5523
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My Grandfather invented the cold air balloon.

    It never really took off…

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5524
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The poorest person in Alabama is the Tooth Fairy.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5525
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    The Producers of the show "60 Minutes" have announced they aren't making their show any longer

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5526
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    A naked man broke into our local church. The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #5527
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Not many people know that footballer Danny Welbeck's father Stan was a bomb disposal expert in the army.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5528
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,070 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I have piles and piles of ironing to do.


    I don't know which is worse.



  • #5529
    New Home
    Moderators, Arts Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators Posts: 79,883 Mod ✭✭✭✭New Home


    If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, your car needs a mechanic.



  • #5530
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,070 ✭✭✭xlogo


    .......

    Post edited by xlogo on


  • #5531
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,070 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I bought a dog from a blacksmith last week. The second I got it home it made a bolt for the door.



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  • #5532
    Banjo Carney
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 408 ✭✭Banjo Carney


    I bought one from a handy man and he does little jobs around the house



  • #5533
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,070 ✭✭✭xlogo


     


     


    A budgie walks into a pet shop wearing a balaclava and sporting a shot gun.


     


     


    “Open the **** trill!”



  • #5534
    blade1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,060 ✭✭✭✭blade1


    Good news for insomniacs.

    Two sleeps 'til Christmas!



  • #5535
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    I've got a pair of trousers woven from spider silk.


    They're great, except the flies keep getting stuck

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5536
    Xenophile
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,082 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    What the nappy said to the baby......................................Drop it baby I've got you covered.

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #5537
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,928 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    Drinks were flowing all day at the charity cricket match, and in the end Bud Light stopped play.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5538
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just finished chicken-proofing my lawn for the winter.

    It’s impeccable.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5539
    Xenophile
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,082 ✭✭✭Xenophile


    I haven't spoken to my mother in law for 18 months............................................i don't like interrupting her.

    The Forum on Spirituality has been closed for years. Please bring it back, there are lots of Spiritual people in Ireland and elsewhere.



  • #5540
    Capt'n Midnight
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 96,617 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    You'll never forget your wedding day.


    The photographs may fade but the negatives last a lifetime.



  • #5541
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,070 ✭✭✭xlogo


    I joined a carpenter's class last week. Haven't made anything yet - we've only just begun.



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  • #5542
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,070 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Just walked past my local bookie's.


     


    A sign on the window said open Sunday 11-4.


     


    I am having £50 on that as I know for a fact it is always open on a Sunday.



  • #5543
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,070 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Arrived home last night to find a pretty, young woman grouting the bathroom wall Singing 'It's a Heartache, nothin' but a Fools Game.


    I thought to myself, she's a Bonnie Tiler.


     



  • #5544
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Last Christmas I bought a Russian advent calendar.

    Every time I opened one of the windows an oligarch fell out.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5545
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,928 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    The arrogant waiter at this hotel just fell over spilling a tray of cocktails everywhere.

    Oh, how the Mai Tai have fallen.

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5546
    everlast75
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 21,928 ✭✭✭✭everlast75


    The most fragrant of all the popes was Pope Pourri....

    Elect a clown... Expect a circus



  • #5547
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water".

    I know he means well

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



  • #5548
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,070 ✭✭✭xlogo


    They say that Mafia members are nasty people, but...



    but while growing up, I lived next door to one and he was actually a nice guy.


     


    In fact, every morning, he paid me £20 just to start his car.


     



  • #5549
    xlogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,070 ✭✭✭xlogo


    Just opened my washing machine and found my cat "Big Ginger" dead. At least he died in Comfort.



  • #5550
    MonkieSocks
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,393 ✭✭✭MonkieSocks


    Just wrote a song about Tortillas. I say song, but it's more of a wrap.

    =(:-) Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude (-:)=



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  • #5551
    el_gaucho
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 582 ✭✭✭el_gaucho


    i know a guy who is so thick it takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.



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