Family home after separation

This was a highly informative thread, and for the first time (in D13Exile's post) I see a bit of hope. Like Gar32, I've been reading relevant self-help books extensively and Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages was mind-opening, as was John Gottman's 'Four Horsemen' as were so many articles on "attachment styles", which ultimately were central in my decision to end this.

I've recently been refused legal aid because my net income is above €18,000. The problem was that despite having verifiable annual mortgage repayments of c. €18,000 the Legal Aid Board (LAB) only take into account a maximum of €8000 for accommodation. So, I'm over the €18000 limit, even though in reality I'm very firmly under it. Crazily, it appears that everybody who has a net income of more than €18,000 must find €30,000-plus (minimum) legal fees (which I've been quoted) to seek a separation/divorce in the circuit court, or else represent themselves.

In the meantime, we are (correctly) advised by everybody not to leave the family home as you lose rights to your children and your property, and your not-so-soon-to-be-ex can stonewall mediation for years knowing you don't have the financial resources to free yourself from that control. What are the options then?

As noted above, Éamonn Quinn's Unmarried and Separated Parents in Ireland group (in Phibsboro) is, very unfortunately, no longer active [http://www.uspi.ie/], although the website still has very helpful information. In short, there's a massive paucity of support for anybody - any man? - who needs to get out of a marriage. I actually cannot find any support in Ireland for people who need to separate/divorce. Am I missing something? I also don't personally know anybody who has ever been divorced or separated to get any experiences. On the worst days I have contacted Men's Aid and One Parent and the women in both organisations were incredibly sympathetic but they couldn't, as policy, recommend anybody who might be able to offer legal advice or help me solve things (another thing I've learnt recently, I think from John Gray; apparently men need to find solutions, while women want to verbalise things without necessarily getting a solution). I thought they might have some panel of legal experts to draw on.

Ultimately I paid over €300 net (I had to earn c. €600) to meet a family lawyer who told me it would cost over €30,000 net (i.e. €60,000 plus of my gross income) at least to bring a case to the Circuit Court. I could get a loan for €10k and I'd happily do that to get out of this. However, having legal fees of €30k plus net, with no guarantee of a max, is absolutely crazy in a state-controlled legal system. People just accept this as "normal". Ethically, how can elected legislators in Dáil Éireann permit the private legal industry to hyjack Irish citizens' rights to justice in public courts of this republic? People don't even question this private interest group's strangehold on our justice system.

The fact that 1) the Irish State refuses to issue statistics regarding the success of each gender in family law court cases, and 2) existing evidence strongly indicates men are generally denied 50% of shared parenting and 50% of the family home means that it's more likely than not that for a man to bring a case to the court he will be saddled with a massive legal bill which would take many years to pay off, on top of not having 50% of parenting and 50% of the family home, and having to pay maintenance. People talk about mediation to avoid courts. They are right. But when, in full knowledge of how the legal system is so extortionately expensive and favours women, your not-so-soon-to-be-ex stonewalls mediation, just what realistically are the options for men given the enormous financial cost? The person who wants to keep the status quo continues to control.

I wish more people with experience of separation/divorce contributed to this forum as there's just nothing online in terms of shared experience of the Irish family law system (loads of experiences of the US and UK system shared online). The whole process in Ireland is so secretive and esoteric, on top of the extortionate closed shop that is the legal industry. Are Boards.ie ever going to bring back anonymous posting? Maybe that would help to get people posting their experiences here?

But that poster didn't say he was a stay at home dad. If he was doing all the housework, budgets, childminding etc then fair enough, but that wasn't said.

Well, I'm not sure I understand, and I'm sure it's a personal matter, but they are his next of kin, so inheritance goes to them, unless he is purposely cutting them out. Off topic I guess. Sounds sad.