Doggie visitor on regular basis

I think this is one of those threads where it's going to be divided between posters who like/dont like dogs.

Personally myself until I had kids I liked dogs thought they were cute etc. However after having kids, dogs break my heart (well irresponsible dog owners do) despite a huge amount of bins in the area there's still so much dog poop about that it ruins going for walks/park etc so now I'm in the dislike dogs camp.

That said I would hate to see a child upset.

I think your concerns are valid and no one likes to be backed into a corner, which I think you feel like is happening here.

If it were me I'd be having a conversation with my partner and saying if the dog comes all traces of the dog have to be cleaned up by bedtime the night the dog leaves. If that doesn't happen the dog won't be staying again. Make it clear that you're unhappy with the dog coming as is the rest of the fulltime household but for the sake of his daughter you will all accept it once the place is tidied up.

It's a shared household so compromises need to be made by all parties.

This is probably a good time to have the child realise that she cant take the dog everywhere. There has to be learned boundaries at some point.

What if the mum wants to go on a holiday with the daughter and the dog needs to be left in a kennel. Its better the daughter get used to the idea now rather than when a holiday is due and is ruined because the daughter cant adjust quick enough.

i agree its bad form to just thrust this dog on the op . that is a **** thing to do.

i can see why you are upset OP . you were not asked , it was just assumed.

i think what BB22 is saying about not cleaning up after the dog and getting the fatehr to do it is only seting up other issues in your home. he is going to see it as him doing everything for his daughter and looking after his daughters dog (which he should mostly). . when it comes to your son and daughter and their needs along with your cat then he is going to see them as your responsibilities.

looking after the dog an odd time would be well worth it to keep him on side with your families needs. you both need to see everything as a comined set of issues otherwise you will drive a wedge between you

In your thread from earlier in the relationship you opened up about how you weren’t feeling any affection for your partners child, and that you would avoid your own home as much as possible when she was around. It seems like there are deeper issues rooted in here than the puppy. It’s like you feel she is further encroaching on your peaceful home life that you have built for yourself.

Of course a puppy is disruptive when you have cats. But this child, as you know, has additional needs and a bond with an animal is usually extremely therapeutic. So that should really rise above the inconvenience. However, as others have stated your partner should be going out of his way to ensure the impact is as minimal as it can be - cleaning up and ensuring the dog is clean and reassuring you, as it’s your shared home. If your accommodating this - he should be very grateful to you and not just take it for granted.

OP looking at this thread and your previous thread about the daughter I feel you are directing a lot of the issues at the daughter when the issue is your relationship with her father. You don't appear to communicate very well as a couple. He has moved in with you but you treat him like a guest coming to stay in your house rather than an equal partner. Before he moved in you didn't seem to have any discussion about his child visiting/staying and how that would work. On your other thread you talked about avoiding spending any time with this child as you didn't like her behavior. Now she has been confirmed as being on the spectrum and has a dog to help with some of her behavior issues you are finding fault with the dog. The issue is you don't want your life disrupted, you've asked your partner to live with you but entirely on your terms. Maybe it would be good to step back the relationship a little, maybe he should get his own place again so you don't feel like your space is being invaded. I'm not saying you need to break up but it doesn't sound like you are suitable living together. It's not the norm but there are couples who are together but keep their own spaces.

I’ll start by saying that I can’t think of an answer to your dilemma that is going be rosy in the garden for all parties involved, but that I understand where you’re coming from.

I thought I remembered your old threads, so I had a look before your most recent reply, and my feeling was that he has been way too pushy all along about moving in and various (many) other things. I felt crowded even reading some of your old threads. So I can understand that the imposition of a dog feels like yet another scenario where you are feeling a bit cornered, and given very little choice. But he’s also (to me!) too full-on emotionally. Or needy. I’d point out though that I’m also someone who highly values their own space - physically and emotionally. Or perhaps not ‘emotionally’ - but a degree of introversion would make it difficult for me to cope with someone as full-on as him. Sometimes I just need quiet or me time, to regroup. I completely understood you saying that about after a work conference (although I’m not sure that I’d ask him to be out of the house, I’d probably ask for 2 hours to unpack and take a nap).

You described very well how good he makes you feel, and the good times that you have, so as you’ve been together for so long now (7 years, I think), it sounds like you two have reached certain levels of compromise. For what it’s worth, i think you've compromised a lot to accommodate his life - but somehow I’m getting the vibe that you (and some posters) feel that that was simply to be expected of you. I think it’s far clearer if people read your old threads, that you really were pushed to jump into certain things long before you were ready to do so. But you have compromised on your preferences, and your ask for that is a bit of space. I think that’s ok. But at 7 years together, I’d expect you both to have more of an understanding of each other, and what each other needs - so that I’d hope that neither of you should really have to explicitly ask for what you need quite as much. The fact that you do does make me wonder about deep down compatibility, or whether your current arrangement has staying power.

I’ve left the issues regarding his child until last, because I’m not qualified to say anything about that. I’m not sure that there’s any need for you to be a surrogate mother to her - which is probably the wrong phrase, but I remember reading about the US VP referring to her husband’s children as ‘their children’ and thinking how hurtful that must be to their mother. I don’t know what the right path is, but she has what sounds like a thoughtful and lovely room with you, and you’re trying to get her Dad to concentrate on healthy eating for her, which is good. I honestly don’t know if you restricting your time with her is a bad thing. My feeling is that short bursts of positive engagement is ok, and that her Dad is the one that she needs an ongoing steady relationship with - not you. But I’m not a parent, so my views are probably coloured by that. It doesn’t sound like you’re actively excluding her, but you are choosing not to engage with her too much.

My summary is that I’m afraid I think that in many ways, your relationship is causing a lot of stress for you because you and your partner are very different, and at different stages of life. If the positives of being with him are truly worth it, then I’m afraid you might have to compromise your needs - but he does too. It sounds like you’ve never really had that discussion - and I don’t mean about his daughter, I mean about your lives together in general. In some ways I think it’s ‘easy’ to focus on his daughter, and the arrangements surrounding her, as being a source of stress in both your lives - but it sounds to me like a more back-to-basics thing that I’m not sure you properly discussed any of that before he moved in, and suddenly you had him living with you before you were ready for that, his daughter with her behavioural difficulties, him being more full-on than you’d like … and here you are.

I don’t think your real concern is the dog, I think it’s just the last straw for you. Again. I think it’s time for a much more open communication with him (although being careful how you phrase anything about his daughter), and possibly some counselling for you so that you can work through your feelings. It seems to me like you’re in a cycle of compromising your needs, in order to keep this guy, and that there is a chance that this will start to impact on his daughter and your kids - and I’m sure neither of you want that.

It’s a far from easy situation OP, I hope you can get some peace and resolution.

PS: fair play to you for being so up-front and honest about your views, and your situation. I’m sure that’s not easy, but you seem very self-aware, and brave enough to put it out there

OP here,

Thanks again for the responses. Qwerty13 in particular, you're extremely astute and perceptive and I really appreciate your input. It's not even about not presenting an easy solution, it's just about me feeling understood and your words have done that for me so thank you. Most people here are seeing this dog issue as part of a much wider problem and of course you're right. My partner was away for a couple of days visiting his parents with his daughter and puppy and last night when I closed my bedroom door I got the most overwhelming sense of joy at being alone behind a closed door - something so rare that I absolutely crave - that I'm not sure I want that feeling to end. We have a four bedroom house and the thing that makes me feel quite bitter (when I'm feeling it at my worst) is that I'm the only one in the household who doesn't have a room to themselves to close off and be guaranteed not to be disturbed - the only one who wants such a thing I mean. My partner never wants to be alone and would always chose to be with me. 'Needy' i guess - as qwerty13 points out. Probably the right word.

Things can seem so black and white for people - and I see it all the time on Boards - and even when it comes to the idea of love and what love is. To me it isn't an absolute. Someone asked earlier if I love him. To me it's about degrees. It's not a black and white issue: not loving him means one thing, loving him means I'm up for everything. But if I'm really honest, I often ask myself if I love him 'enough.' Enough for all the compromise.

As to me choosing what happens, as Big Bag of Chips mentions, yes of course it should be up to me who lives in my house. That really all comes down to money and how hard it would be for him to afford a place on his own that would be big enough to have his daughter over. Now that she has the dog it couldn't even be an apartment I presume, so he'd need to rent a whole house. There's no point saying that the guilt around this is a factor for me - how could it not be? And it would absolutely break his heart to move out. But I suppose it all comes down to compatibility. He wants to be with me every waking moment that he can be - even after 7 years together. He wants to be in contact all the time, with updates on our every movements and he wants to be standing in the hall to greet me when I come back to the house, whether from a day's work or just the shopping. And yes I've become used to it to a certain extent but it's also incredibly stifling. I speak to him about it and he backs off but it just feels 'fake' - like he's pretending to be something he's not. He'll read upstairs instead of coming down to greet me, but it's not the same when I know he's waiting to come down and hug me. Not the same as knowing someone is off happily working on a hobby or doing their own thing, living their own life. He's kind and helpful and wonderful but he has attached too much importance to our relationship and it defines his life completely and that's a massive responsibility for me. I rarely get to feel alone in my own headspace, let along physically. A tiny example but i wonder what others think of this: if I sit down to watch a TV show he doesn't even like, maybe in the afternoon at the weekend, he'll come and sit with me and comment on the content of the show, just because he wants to be a part of the experience of it with me. He did this last weekend and I pretty much went into meltdown (albeit quiet meltdown) mode on the spot. This happens to me every few months where I just can't deal with it anymore as I have no space of my own and I feel so suffocated.

In a way I've derailed my own thread by widening things out beyond the dog issue but I suppose it was a final straw type scenario. I'm already stifled and having the hassle and mess and noise of an actual animal added in on top of this is just going to break me. I'll talk to him tonight. I think it's time to have a general discussion about where he sees the future and if he would consider the idea of getting his own place. I want him to know I'm thinking about it as the right move for us, even if he isn't. Thanks again everyone. ElizaB

I think that's a good point. My husband is happy to be around me all day every day and never seems to feel the urge to go for a walk on his own just to have some solitude, whereas I need to be alone behind a closed door fairly often just to recharge. Living and WFH in a one-bed apt since March 2020 has been tough and sometimes I long for a week alone. But recently there was a chance his work might take him away for 3 years and facing the idea of years on my own felt very very different to the desperate need for solitude I get from being around someone 24/7. So while I completely understand your feelings, and just reading your posts made me stressed, perhaps you should consider whether you want to risk losing your relationship or maybe there's some way of negotiating a pattern of sharing space that nourishes you as well as him. (Edit for clarity)

Eliza, were you married/cohabiting before your current partner came along? Were you happy to live with them? If so, what's different now? Is there anything your current partner could do to change things and maybe help how you feel? What you're describing here sounds incredibly stifling and stressful. You sound like you're trapped in your own home in some ways. And although I'm sure your partner has a lot of good points, is this your gut screaming at you that this isn't the right relationship for you? Does he know how you feel about all of this? Does he ever listen to you properly? If circumstances were different, would you have had him move in with you when he did?

It's pretty strong stuff to be saying you'd like him to get transferred away for a while. That's before we ever get to the problems you have with the daughter and the dog. Even accepting that people of a certain age tend to come with loads of baggage and you have to live with that, this seems to be a step too far for you. You and him need to have a very honest talk about where things are going. Otherwise, what you've told us is going to become a cancer in your relationship.