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Husband stopped initiating

124»

Comments

  • #92
    tara73
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,536 ✭✭✭tara73


    91 posts, arguing with each other, OP hasn't come back once...


  • #93
    khaldrogo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,587 ✭✭✭khaldrogo


    notAMember wrote: »
    ........

    I remember being taken-aback years ago... my long time married friend, after a few drinks asked “ how do women in same sex relationships know when sex is finished? “ The penny dropped for me later, she was asking most likely because sex for her was finished when her husband was finished, not her. How many years had she put up with crappy sex on his terms? Had she ever even had an orgasm.....

    And when she explained to her husband after the first time that she wasn't being fulfilled did he refuse to listen?
    Or was it that she never said anything and he thought everything was fine?

    #menaretrash....... Yawn!


  • #94
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Some crazy responses on this thread!

    There were 2 people involved in the relationship and the husband was not forced to stay!

    It's also a pretty serious issue to know that your partner doesn't have a high libido at all and then pester them for sex a few times a week for 10 years knowing that they don't want it also, so he's definitely not a saint! I'm sure people will say it's not pestering, but if you know that they're going to say no then it is pestering!

    It would not have been a pleasant or fun situation for the OP to have to reject him constantly at all!!

    Surely the marriage was full of tension and so on due to the mismatch of libido, which would have been hard for both of them, so the husband isn't the only one who suffered.

    As a woman I wouldn't stay in a relationship trying to have sex several times a week with a man who didn't want to, and then expect people to feel sorry for me and I wouldn't want him painted as the bad guy!

    It would be my choice to either accept it or leave, not repeatedly ask for sex that I knew he didn't want for a decade!!!


  • #95
    XsApollo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 2,637 ✭✭✭XsApollo


    Friendswendy wrote: »
    Some crazy responses on this thread!

    There were 2 people involved in the relationship and the husband was not forced to stay!

    It's also a pretty serious issue to know that your partner doesn't have a high libido at all and then pester them for sex a few times a week for 10 years knowing that they don't want it also, so he's definitely not a saint! I'm sure people will say it's not pestering, but if you know that they're going to say no then it is pestering!

    It would not have been a pleasant or fun situation for the OP to have to reject him constantly at all!!

    Surely the marriage was full of tension and so on due to the mismatch of libido, which would have been hard for both of them, so the husband isn't the only one who suffered.

    As a woman I wouldn't stay in a relationship trying to have sex several times a week with a man who didn't want to, and then expect people to feel sorry for me and I wouldn't want him painted as the bad guy!

    It would be my choice to either accept it or leave, not repeatedly ask for sex that I knew he didn't want for a decade!!!

    I take it you have never been in this situation then.
    As a woman you wouldn’t stay in a relationship trying to have sex several times a week.
    I agree with you.
    So as a woman if you didn’t want to stay in the relationship , you would leave your home and kids behind for that reason? Or would you expect your husband to leave his home and kids behind.

    Not so black and white depending on the circumstances.


  • #96
    Corkblowin
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 621 ✭✭✭Corkblowin


    Friendswendy wrote: »
    It's also a pretty serious issue to know that your partner doesn't have a high libido at all and then pester them for sex a few times a week for 10 years knowing that they don't want it also, so he's definitely not a saint! I'm sure people will say it's not pestering, but if you know that they're going to say no then it is pestering!

    Ok - maybe it was pestering - so now he's stopped and his wife is unhappy with him. What do you suggest they do now?


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  • #97
    Henry Ford III
    Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators Posts: 18,102 Mod ✭✭✭✭Henry Ford III


    Corkblowin wrote: »
    Ok - maybe it was pestering - so now he's stopped and his wife is unhappy with him. What do you suggest they do now?

    Ideally they should communicate.


  • #98
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,005 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    XsApollo wrote: »
    I take it you have never been in this situation then.
    As a woman you wouldn’t stay in a relationship trying to have sex several times a week.
    I agree with you.
    So as a woman if you didn’t want to stay in the relationship , you would leave your home and kids behind for that reason? Or would you expect your husband to leave his home and kids behind.

    Not so black and white depending on the circumstances.


    You can't take it that someone hasn't been in a situation just because of the advice that they give!

    You asked would I leave my home and kids behind for that reason? It sounds like you're implying that it's not a good reason for someone to leave??

    It's a pretty good reason if you ask me, it's a reason as good as any other reason someone could have for ending a relationship, it's probably an even bigger reason than some other reasons that people leave for!!! You saw how the OP was tore apart for how she 'treated' him. It's generally accepted that being in that situation can seriously take its toll on a person! So it's definitely a good reason to leave!

    We all have to take responsibility for our own happiness, so if you're in a situation like that then you leave OR you accept it. If you know your partner doesn't want sex then you don't badger them several times a week for it!!

    As a woman I know that I am in the fortunate situation to know I wouldn't have to leave my kids behind! and I absolutely have sympathy for men in situations where they want to end a relationship (for whatever reason) because they know that chances are they are not going to have the kids for the majority of the time, but if a relationship isn't working you should end it!

    The OP hasn't even given much details about the relationship marriage. Often the lack of sex was already an issue before kids and marriage! but the other person married them and had kids with them anyway.

    It seems like the person who wants sex gets most or all of the sympathy, and the other person is seen as just simply withholding something from them because they're heartless. It's just not the case.
    People have to take responsibility for their own happiness and for choosing to stay in a relationship that doesn't fulfil their needs.


    @Corkblowin
    The OP should do some serious soul searching about what she wants from the relationship, why this bothers her, is it mainly because of fear that he's now after falling out of love with her or something like that or what is she worried about?
    She needs to consider whether she wants to have a sex life going forward, or if she was simply going along with it for his sake?
    She needs to be honest with him about whether she actually wants sex or not and then discuss things with him and see where his head is at and go from there!


  • #99
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,120 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    All posters are reminded that Personal Issues is first and foremost a forum where posters come looking for advice.

    Threads that get derailed by over and back arguing amongst posters debating hypothetical situations generally end up pretty useless to the original poster who ends up having to scroll through screens of irrelevant arguing.

    All posters posting here are very familiar with the board at this stage. So anyone seen dragging the thread off topic or trying to engage another poster in general discussion with receive actions up to and including a forum ban.

    Here's the Forum Charter. Anyone unsure should familiarise themselves.


  • #100
    XsApollo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2, Paid Member Posts: 2,637 ✭✭✭XsApollo


    Friendswendy wrote: »
    You can't take it that someone hasn't been in a situation just because of the advice that they give!

    You asked would I leave my home and kids behind for that reason? It sounds like you're implying that it's not a good reason for someone to leave??

    It's a pretty good reason if you ask me, it's a reason as good as any other reason someone could have for ending a relationship, it's probably an even bigger reason than some other reasons that people leave for!!! You saw how the OP was tore apart for how she 'treated' him. It's generally accepted that being in that situation can seriously take its toll on a person! So it's definitely a good reason to leave!

    We all have to take responsibility for our own happiness, so if you're in a situation like that then you leave OR you accept it. If you know your partner doesn't want sex then you don't badger them several times a week for it!!

    As a woman I know that I am in the fortunate situation to know I wouldn't have to leave my kids behind! and I absolutely have sympathy for men in situations where they want to end a relationship (for whatever reason) because they know that chances are they are not going to have the kids for the majority of the time, but if a relationship isn't working you should end it!

    The OP hasn't even given much details about the relationship marriage. Often the lack of sex was already an issue before kids and marriage! but the other person married them and had kids with them anyway.

    It seems like the person who wants sex gets most or all of the sympathy, and the other person is seen as just simply withholding something from them because they're heartless. It's just not the case.
    People have to take responsibility for their own happiness and for choosing to stay in a relationship that doesn't fulfil their needs.


    @Corkblowin
    The OP should do some serious soul searching about what she wants from the relationship, why this bothers her, is it mainly because of fear that he's now after falling out of love with her or something like that or what is she worried about?
    She needs to consider whether she wants to have a sex life going forward, or if she was simply going along with it for his sake?
    She needs to be honest with him about whether she actually wants sex or not and then discuss things with him and see where his head is at and go from there!

    I am asking you as a woman if you wanted to leave a relationship would you leave your kids and home behind for the sake of your happiness?


  • #101
    Big Bag of Chips
    Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 16,120 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Red card to XsApollo for ignoring moderator warning.


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  • #102
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 12,694 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    What did the OP think was going to happen after week in week out for 10 years rejecting someone? it seems really strange that someone would not understand the effect that would have on their marriage the lack of insight into what was happening is very odd it comes across as very self-absorbed or something.

    It would be different if the OP has talked to her husband and acknowledged how important it was to her husband and tried to work on it as an issue, instead of brushing him off and hoping it would go away or something.



  • #103
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 12,694 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Sex is complicated and the op is not obliged to have sex everytime he asks but to not understand the effect it would have on the relationship seems to be a bigger factor. It's probably human nature to hope a problem will go away but real life is notike that.



  • #104
    jrosen
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,631 ✭✭✭jrosen


    Where you always mismatched sexually? I dont think him trying to initiate sex a couple of times a week was excessive. In fact I would have thought it the norm. But 10 years of him trying and you knocking him back cant have been easy to take. Are you affectionate in other ways? Sex and intimacy is an important part of any relationship.

    It sounds like you can take or leave sex, have you always been that way?



  • #105
    99nsr125
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,200 ✭✭✭99nsr125


    https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117626711#Comment_117626711

    Sex is part of intimacy it's the line that defines a relationship. Persistent rejection of it is simply persistent rejection of the relationship. In effect the op has insulted and her husband for 10 years, it may take a further 10 years of her making amends to rebuild the relationship.



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