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Impact on long-term friendships

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Comments

  • #62
    NSAman
    Registered Users Posts: 3,386 ✭✭✭NSAman


    Fecking hell, didn’t think there were so many “kiddy” focused people out there. I have friends with kids, with no kids and most with grown up kids. The rule from day one has been, if you are out and enjoying each other as friends, little to no kids talk!

    Adult time is just that, adult time. The last thing I want to talk about when out with friends is children (much and all as I love mine). They can speak for themselves at this stage.

    Even when they were younger, a friends night out was a get away from kids.

    Hence, I am still good friends with those friends who don’t have kids.


  • #63
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Strumms wrote: »
    This really...

    The parent mate of mine.... if you do get offered a slot in his mega busy life...the date and times changes about twice in advance...

    80% of the evening is spent discussing kids, school issues, their excursions, the hassle with the child minder...

    Also.. “ Jesus, it’s like being in heaven being able to do this “.. is said about 3 times over the night... why not just have the second Friday / Saturday of every month as a night to meet friends ...720 hours in a month give or take, spending 4/5 hours of that with friends, relaxing and having a laugh and being human as opposed to this ‘parent brain’ constant mentality, can’t be healthy.

    taking 4 hours out of your 720 hour month for yourself and friends should not be difficult.

    It’s not difficult. It comes down to choices. If your mates are too busy to see you it’s probably because they don’t want to see you. It’s easier to blame it on the kids than actually be upfront about it though.


  • #64
    Flinty997
    Registered Users Posts: 11,447 ✭✭✭✭Flinty997


    eviltwin wrote: »
    It’s not difficult. It comes down to choices. If your mates are too busy to see you it’s probably because they don’t want to see you. It’s easier to blame it on the kids than actually be upfront about it though.

    This is a bit like being annoyed at your mate who has a new girlfriend and was wants to go on holidays with her and not 5 of his single mates to Spain.


  • #65
    Flinty997
    Registered Users Posts: 11,447 ✭✭✭✭Flinty997


    NSAman wrote: »
    Fecking hell, didn’t think there were so many “kiddy” focused people out there. I have friends with kids, with no kids and most with grown up kids. The rule from day one has been, if you are out and enjoying each other as friends, little to no kids talk!

    Adult time is just that, adult time. The last thing I want to talk about when out with friends is children (much and all as I love mine). They can speak for themselves at this stage.

    Even when they were younger, a friends night out was a get away from kids.

    Hence, I am still good friends with those friends who don’t have kids.

    That would be normal.

    If you meet up with people who work shift they always spent a few minutes talking about their schedule. The week just gone and the week coming up. If you work 9-5 you will never talk about this. Such is life.

    Similarly if you have a friend who is training for a marathon. Being upset because they won't go drinking with you every night, or are always busy because they are training. How reasonable is that.


  • #66
    o1s1n
    Registered Users Posts: 34,370 ✭✭✭✭o1s1n
    Master of the Universe


    Flinty997 wrote: »
    This is a bit like being annoyed at your mate who has a new girlfriend and was wants to go on holidays with her and not 5 of his single mates to Spain.

    No it's like being annoyed at your mate who has a new girlfriend and then disappears off the face of the earth and has no time for anyone else but the girlfriend.

    Then reappears looking to hang out once they break up.


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  • #67
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭[Deleted User]


    o1s1n wrote: »
    Then reappears looking to hang out once they break up.

    With the silly grin in hail fellow well met fashion sez

    "hey xieann, it's jonni! remember me!! you're lookin' well!!

    ......'story???!!!!!! "


    You: (think bubble) FFS....


  • #68
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    o1s1n wrote: »
    No it's like being annoyed at your mate who has a new girlfriend and then disappears off the face of the earth and has no time for anyone else but the girlfriend.

    Then reappears looking to hang out once they break up.

    Or maybe he chooses to spend his time with his girlfriend and other couples. You know, people he has more in common with no he’s no longer single. It happens. Big changes in your life make you reevaluate things.


  • #69
    Flinty997
    Registered Users Posts: 11,447 ✭✭✭✭Flinty997


    o1s1n wrote: »
    No it's like being annoyed at your mate who has a new girlfriend and then disappears off the face of the earth and has no time for anyone else but the girlfriend.

    Then reappears looking to hang out once they break up.

    That was my point. Its normal. No not everyone does it, but a lot do.

    So do you ghost your mates when that happens, and never talk to them again.


  • #70
    Flinty997
    Registered Users Posts: 11,447 ✭✭✭✭Flinty997


    xieann wrote: »
    With the silly grin and "hey xieann, it's jonni! remember me!! you're lookin' well!!

    ......'story???!!!!!! "


    You: (think bubble) FFS....


    Its just a variation of the golf widow.


  • #71
    Flinty997
    Registered Users Posts: 11,447 ✭✭✭✭Flinty997


    eviltwin wrote: »
    Or maybe he chooses to spend his time with his girlfriend and other couples. You know, people he has more in common with no he’s no longer single. It happens. Big changes in your life make you reevaluate things.

    Fact is you can't spend 100% of your time with your mates and 100% with your girlfriend.
    Or someone on a shift work, has a constantly changing pattern won't always be available.


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  • #72
    Sunny Disposition
    Registered Users Posts: 2,699 ✭✭✭Sunny Disposition


    Igotadose wrote: »
    Pretty much classic, especially if the couple has some professional success/good jobs,house,etc. In my experience, it's 'breeder bingo.' You're selfish/your kids won't have disabilities/you can afford it/who will take care of you when you get old /You'd make a great (mother|father) are classic breeder lines designed to rile you up.

    No one is more entitled than the bred and wants more from everyone else for the simple fact they were fertile at some point. And as always, misery loves company. The Bred are horrible to each other, competing on the basis of how well their offspring are perceived to be doing. They have very few real 'friends,' they don't like being around each others kids that much, heck, lockdown shows up just how much the bred don't want to be around their own breeding products.



    It's worse for women, they get way more bingo than men. "Your girlfriends will get you pregnant faster than your boyfriends" is a good aphorism to remember.

    Best to ignore them and get on with your better lives. It's out an out envy, after all.

    Jaysus! Take a chill pill, realistically very few people care if anyone else decides to have kids or not!


  • #73
    o1s1n
    Registered Users Posts: 34,370 ✭✭✭✭o1s1n
    Master of the Universe


    Flinty997 wrote: »
    That was my point. Its normal. No not everyone does it, but a lot do.

    So do you ghost your mates when that happens, and never talk to them again.

    Depends on the mate really. I suppose to bring this back around to the original topic, people having kids and losing friendships - I can't see myself hanging around waiting for someone to rear their kid so we can hang out again. Everyone would have moved on by that point. Hence why it's sad when it happens.


  • #74
    o1s1n
    Registered Users Posts: 34,370 ✭✭✭✭o1s1n
    Master of the Universe


    Sunny Disposition wrote: »
    Jaysus! Take a chill pill, realistically very few people care if anyone else decides to have kids or not!

    I really hope all that 'bred' stuff was nonsense and a bit of a wind up...


  • #75
    Hamachi
    Registered Users Posts: 2,388 ✭✭✭Hamachi


    o1s1n wrote: »
    Depends on the mate really. I suppose to bring this back around to the original topic, people having kids and losing friendships - I can't see myself hanging around waiting for someone to rear their kid so we can hang out again. Everyone would have moved on by that point. Hence why it's sad when it happens.

    Nor should you wait around. If your friend isn’t available / interested in hanging out, it’s time to accept that you’ve both moved on unfortunately and it’s time to invest in new friendships.

    I have two young kids and will possibly have more in future. Before I had children myself, I couldn’t understand why friends of mine who had kids, almost always dropped off the radar.

    Can only relate my own experience here. The fact is that I simply prefer spending time with my kids than any friend I’ve ever known. My eldest is three. I love taking her new places, teaching her new things, and seeing the world through her innocent eyes. It means infinitely more to me than going to the restaurant, pub, or playing sports with friends ever did.

    Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t dropped my friends and try to make time for them. Bottom line is that friends are now far down the pecking order relative to being a father.


  • #76
    o1s1n
    Registered Users Posts: 34,370 ✭✭✭✭o1s1n
    Master of the Universe


    Hamachi wrote: »
    Nor should you wait around. If your friend isn’t available / interested in hanging out, it’s time to accept that you’ve both moved on unfortunately and it’s time to invest in new friendships.

    I have two young kids and will possibly have more in future. Before I had children myself, I couldn’t understand why friends of mine who had kids, almost always dropped off the radar.

    Can only relate my own experience here. The fact is that I simply prefer spending time with my kids than any friend I’ve ever known. My eldest is three. I love taking her new places, teaching her new things, and seeing the world through her innocent eyes. It means infinitely more to me than going to the restaurant, pub, or playing sports with friends ever did.

    Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t dropped my friends and try to make time for them. Bottom line is that friends are now far down the pecking order relative to being a father.

    Nice to hear a bit of candor like that and I completely understand your angle here. I suppose for those of us who wish to remain childfree, it really does show the importance of having other childfree friends.


  • #77
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭[Deleted User]


    Hamachi wrote: »
    Nor should you wait around. If your friend isn’t available / interested in hanging out, it’s time to accept that you’ve both moved on unfortunately and it’s time to invest in new friendships.

    I have two young kids and will possibly have more in future. Before I had children myself, I couldn’t understand why friends of mine who had kids, almost always dropped off the radar.

    Can only relate my own experience here. The fact is that I simply prefer spending time with my kids than any friend I’ve ever known. My eldest is three. I love taking her new places, teaching her new things, and seeing the world through her innocent eyes. It means infinitely more to me than going to the restaurant, pub, or playing sports with friends ever did.

    Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t dropped my friends and try to make time for them. Bottom line is that friends are now far down the pecking order relative to being a father.

    Very well put and to be honest, eye opening, for me personally


  • #78
    Flinty997
    Registered Users Posts: 11,447 ✭✭✭✭Flinty997


    o1s1n wrote: »
    Depends on the mate really. I suppose to bring this back around to the original topic, people having kids and losing friendships - I can't see myself hanging around waiting for someone to rear their kid so we can hang out again. Everyone would have moved on by that point. Hence why it's sad when it happens.

    It would be the same with anyone with any other commitments, elderly or sick parents etc. Not as wealthy as their friends. If you constantly want to do stuff that you're friend is unable to do. Then I guess you need find friends that are more convenient to your lifestyle.


  • #79
    Flinty997
    Registered Users Posts: 11,447 ✭✭✭✭Flinty997


    Hamachi wrote: »
    Nor should you wait around. If your friend isn’t available / interested in hanging out, it’s time to accept that you’ve both moved on unfortunately and it’s time to invest in new friendships.

    I have two young kids and will possibly have more in future. Before I had children myself, I couldn’t understand why friends of mine who had kids, almost always dropped off the radar.

    Can only relate my own experience here. The fact is that I simply prefer spending time with my kids than any friend I’ve ever known. My eldest is three. I love taking her new places, teaching her new things, and seeing the world through her innocent eyes. It means infinitely more to me than going to the restaurant, pub, or playing sports with friends ever did.

    Don’t get me wrong. I haven’t dropped my friends and try to make time for them. Bottom line is that friends are now far down the pecking order relative to being a father.

    This kinda thing starts after school. One friend gets a job has money. Another is in college and always broke. Often those lifestyles are incompatible unless people are willing to compromise.

    ...and obviously someone doing college finals can only compromise so much. Someone with no commitments has much more flexibility.

    Same with kids only more so. But it's the same with someone who is single and someone who has a partner. One has more flexibility than the other.


  • #80
    Hamachi
    Registered Users Posts: 2,388 ✭✭✭Hamachi


    o1s1n wrote: »
    I suppose for those of us who wish to remain childfree, it really does show the importance of having other childfree friends.

    This 100%.

    BTW, I didn’t mean to imply that my life is more meaningful because I have kids. I think that folks who decide to remain child-free have taken a path that is just different from my own.


  • #81
    shesty
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,891 Mod ✭✭✭✭shesty


    Mod Note
    I am late to noticing this, due to some technical problems, but there are very sweeping generalisations being made here, and offensive terms being used.
    Respecting people's decisions is a two-way street.Do not use terms such as "Bred" or "breeders" or any similar phrases used in a derogatory manner, on either side of the argument.
    This warning has been given in other threads in this forum also.Kindly observe it.


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  • #82
    magicbastarder
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 48,234 CMod ✭✭✭✭magicbastarder


    o1s1n wrote: »
    it really does show the importance of having other childfree friends.
    i am beginning to realise that my experience seems to have been an outlier. yes, i have obviously had the experience of seeing less of friends once they became parents, but i don't think any of my friendships have been affected in the short or long term as a result. and we do enjoy being the kinda cool uncle and aunt role to a lot of them (because a hell of a lot of the kids in question are great); because our house is full of interesting breakable **** that they don't see in other peoples' houses, so they think we're cool. but they're just kids, easily impressed.


  • #83
    witchgirl26
    Registered Users Posts: 2,058 ✭✭✭witchgirl26


    As a parent to a young child who has friends who are childfree (some by choice, others less so but have reached an acceptance point), I will always do my best to make time for them. And when I'm with them, keep the child talk to a minimum - or actually be led by them in that. I've one friend who loves hearing all about the small details of my child & will ask a ton of questions so I'll answer them. But I definitely agree in not making your whole life about your children - that just makes a boring person. And realistically friends don't want to be around a boring person who only has one thing to talk about - whether that's children or not!

    Also I can't believe some others have had their friends just casually bring their children along to meals out etc. If I'm going to dinner with friends, it's just that. Dinner with friends. I wave bye at the door & skip off to enjoy my childfree time. I also don't think my time is more important or should be worked around more by childfree friends. They have commitments too - granted they're different ones but I'm going to respect them just the same.

    I do think though that the first couple of years especially of having kids can be incredibly difficult as you try to juggle this huge new thing in your life, work, relationship, other commitments and friendships. I know I wasn't as available during those years while I tried to find my new operating level but while I might not have been able to meet up as much, I do think keeping contact is the most important and its something that you do need to work at.

    I'm glad my childfree friends didn't cut me off because I wasn't as available for wild nights out or meet ups as I was before because I'd really miss them.



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