Start a family or not?

wildwillow · 08-04-2021 09:23AM

As in every relationship there is fault on both sides. I think you each want something different so it can't work.

Your partner wants a family. You are not ready now and probably won't ever be ready. It's very telling that you often want your own space.

It is time to be brave and let her go. You are both making compromises and life will never be fulfilling.

spaceHopper · 08-04-2021 11:16AM

This sounds like she is "gas lighting" you in to thinking this is all your fault.

Sex has stopped or become so infrequent or bad that it may as well have stopped.

She never initiates because of stress, she's blaming you for the stress.

Is it a case of you don't want kids or kids with her because the relationship is broken?
You haven't even had kids and already you are in counselling where you have been blamed for all the problems. Think back what did the counselor say, I'd lay money on it the counselling has stopped because your girlfriend didn't like the counselor because she called BS on her.

I can't see you being happy after having children and it will rub off on the children. As you said you are the steady type, the "nice guy", that's what she's counting on. Look up a book called no more mr nice guy and read it. You'll find it on amazon or a PDF online of search.

Starting over in your 40 isn't easy, but it won't be easy in you 50 or 60. What will happen when the kids are grown up and you both end up hating each other. Will you sell the house and both buy an apartment or will you end up like a lot of men in a bedsit in your 70's.

If I was you I'd focus on yourself and be happy maybe you'll meet somebody who makes you happy but you deserve better that this. In a way so does she.

TheadoreT · 08-04-2021 11:52AM

FAMILYMAN2021 wrote: »

I went to counselling, then we both went to relationship counselling, there we discovered everything was my fault

I mean I have to be honest this sentence is borderline pathetic. Guys wonder how they end up in these situations but being an overly agreeable pushover is good way to lose someones respect fast. Giving in to a strong character may seem the easier choice if its an amicable friendship you're after with one dominant and one submissive partner but its not gonna ignite any passion in her having this unequal power dynamic.

This relationship is a lost cause but if you move on try to stand your ground more in future relationships, it may feel uncomfortable in the moment but don't downplay the significance of letting them have their way all the time.

JJayoo · 08-04-2021 06:53PM

I can't imagine being with someone where there is no affection, never mind sex but what about kissing ? Or just no sexual physical contact?

Basically your sperm will make a baby, your wages will pay for baby and that baby will eventually grow up to think you were an asshole when you finally have a mental breakdown and leave when the kid is in their teens.

whomadewho · 09-04-2021 12:43PM

Every day I wake up thinking hopefully today I will see the light and we can get on with it but no luck I don’t know what is wrong with me but I feel stressed and pressurized all the time, and it's my problem, I often think of my life as a single man, living alone and I miss it, but at the same time I don’t want to break up with my girlfriend, I am completely lost and utterly confused and stressed.

I would appreciate any advice.

TLDR – Start a family or not?[/QUOTE]

Op, I could have told the same story word for word. I'm with the girlfriend along time but I knew from the start we were not compatable sexually but she is lovely person, good looking, get on well, all my family and friends adore her so I said I'll give it a chance, got myself emotionally invested so her I am. Things were bad for years before one day I just lost it which kind of got things back on track to level where I'm content.
She also now says she wants a kid, so we have been trying for a while, I get action pretty much when ever I want now which I thought was great, but my head is racing now, thinking when she finally when she does get pregnant, I'll be posting on boards again, why have I done this to my self when I am back stuck in a near sexless relationship again. I will only have myself to blame.
Our lives are so intertwined though, it is hard to know what to do. Sex is not be all and end all but you need to be satisfied on some level, but at some stage in life sex will be down list of priorities one way or another it doesn't matter who you are with, like I was talking to a mate out cycling the other day, he said between running his business and raising his 4 kids in the house he acually rarely gets the time anymore, and he his not really that bothered. At some stage your drive might slow down where it is not a issue anymore. Majority of posters are pointing towards the leave option, if you leave the fear of being alone will kick in, or the hurt you will cause to your partner, but in the end of the day you have do to what will make you happy. Best of luck with your decision, there is no easy option.

bitofabind · 09-04-2021 04:26PM

It might be helpful to come at this from a different angle.

When I think about kids, I think about what kind of environment I'd want to bring them into. That's the number one driver for having / not having them because it is literally life-changing to a child. My thoughts are based a lot on my own childhood experience, where what I needed more than anything was to be emotionally safe, seen and to see a healthy relationship between my parents play out and inform my view of the world. That's what every child needs. Not getting that is childhood trauma that drives their behaviour and their capability to seek out positive relationships and build a strong sense of self as they get older.

So think about what it will look like to have a child with a woman that you have no intimacy, sexual relationship or emotional support from, who blames you for everything, and makes you question her commitment to you. Think about bringing a child in that environment where nothing will change and these things will only get worse, as that's what happens when you have a baby. What sort of environment is that for a child? What does it teach them about the world, when mum and date resent each other, "settled" for each other and display no intimacy or affection at all?

It's very damaging OP. Your gut is screaming at you. Listen to it. It's scary, but you can do it. You can change this for yourself.

10-04-2021 11:34PM

First they ditch their friends to spend time with you, then they ditch you to spend time with the baby and pretty much any other female relative/friend.

It is that cold and clinical, and so many guys struggle to get their heads around what happens as soon as the kids are born. There is never any warning about this pattern, but it's a ridiculously common experience for married men. No talk shows or anything will discuss it because, well, men do not talk about it.
Fell upon my sword above makes harrowing reading, but that's your future as it is the present of so, so many men. This is real life. And we only have this short one. Men die younger than women, and by some measure far more men take their own lives. Suicide is most common in the Irish population not among young men but rather among men aged 45-55 (Samaritans website).

End that nonsense relationship before you do something stupid like have a child with her. Do not let her talk you around. Before you have your talk have a massive jerk off just to minimise the temptation of deceiving yourself. Run. Fast.

LegacyUser · 11-04-2021 02:00AM

FAMILYMAN2021 wrote: »

I went to counselling, then we both went to relationship counselling, there we discovered everything was my fault as i was on the fence about children, the lack of intimacy, the stress everything.

I am a very emotional person deep down very venerable so I avoid relationships but with her I felt I could trust her completely and now from the reply's I am starting to wonder if I have been taken for an utter fool, the nice things said to me, was it all lies? I know we are breaking up, she is building a head of steam, rows are more frequent, things said to me very hurtful with no apology afterwards (I have done similar but always apologies if I have over stepped the mark). saying I don't support her emotionally which is most defiantly not right, her friends are involved on the side lines for about 12 months. possibly with new suitors.

There doesn't have to be a bad guy or a good guy in a relationship. You're probably both good people but the relationship isn't making you happy anymore or it's not progressing or not fulfilling your needs or there are resentments about certain things and so on...and that leads to rows, sometimes irrational rows where everything gets blamed on the other person but really the issue isn't either of you, it's that the relationship has run its course but the people involved haven't got to the point of accepting that yet.

Start a family or not?

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