One-Liner Jokes

MonkieSocks · 18-09-2020 05:42PM

I've asked many people what LGBTQ stands for but no one can give me a straight answer.

MonkieSocks · 20-09-2020 05:00PM

My favourite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother...at least it was, until my mother hid the urn.

donegal_man · 20-09-2020 06:42PM

To the person who invented infinity:

"Thanks for everything."

MonkieSocks · 22-09-2020 04:41PM

Just been attacked by a ginger kid doing martial arts....turns out he was the Carroty kid.

donegal_man · 22-09-2020 08:53PM

Serial jokes must be told bit by bit.

trashcan · 22-09-2020 11:19PM

Was in the supermarket today and saw some fly spray. I asked the young lad stacking the shelves "is this any good for wasps ?" "No" he said. "It kills them!"

blinding · 23-09-2020 04:29AM

trashcan wrote: »

Was in the supermarket today and saw some fly spray. I asked the young lad stacking the shelves "is this any good for wasps ?" "No" he said. "It kills them!"

Was pish comment !

MonkieSocks · 23-09-2020 11:24PM

The inventor of velcro died today..... RIP

MonkieSocks · 25-09-2020 01:10AM

Just won gold at the national weather forecasting championships....I beat the raining champ.

coconnell44 · 25-09-2020 09:35AM

The absolute state of your room. It looks like a quiet 'scene in Reeling in the Years'.
Heard today in my house hahaha

greenspurs · 25-09-2020 10:18AM

If you want to register a company name.

Your options are Ltd

Capt'n Midnight · 25-09-2020 11:22PM

Uncle Pierre wrote: »

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand the binary system, and those that don't.

And those waiting for a ternary punchline.

MonkieSocks · 26-09-2020 07:33PM

A man walks into a bakers in Glasgow and says “is that a cake or a meringue?”.

The chap says “no, you’re right. It’s a cake”.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-09-2020 07:47PM

Gravestones are a thing of the passed.

trashcan · 26-09-2020 09:46PM

I've heard they're making a new Welsh action hero movie with Bruce Willis.

Dai Hard.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-09-2020 10:38PM

Uncle Pierre wrote: »

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand the binary system, and those that don't.

There are 10 groups of people in the world.
Those who understand hexadecimal, and F the rest.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-09-2020 11:11PM

What do workers at Sports Direct get for Christmas dinner?.... About 5 minutes.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-09-2020 11:13PM

Why do giraffes have long necks? Because they have stinky feet! I

Capt'n Midnight · 26-09-2020 11:27PM

She was only the welder's daughter but she had acetylene legs

Capt'n Midnight · 26-09-2020 11:28PM

Maggie Thatcher was only a grocer's daughter but she showed Sir Geoffrey Howe.

Capt'n Midnight · 26-09-2020 11:38PM

Why were George Michael's trousers covered in chocolate?

Because he was careless with his Wispa.

sheroman01 · 26-09-2020 11:40PM

Dad, I know you're looking down on me somewhere.

He's not dead, he's just a roofer.

MonkieSocks · 29-09-2020 09:18PM

I stayed up all night trying to remember, the difference between insomnia and amnesia.

MonkieSocks · 30-09-2020 07:08PM

I bought my wife a refrigerator for her birthday....I know it isn't much, but you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

MonkieSocks · 01-10-2020 05:18PM

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Sheridan81 · 01-10-2020 05:20PM

MonkieSocks wrote: »

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

-Demetri Martin.:)

I think it would be cool if we could give credit to the comedians who come up with the jokes if known. It might help introduce people to some good stand-ups. Demetri Martin is very funny.

Capt'n Midnight · 01-10-2020 06:05PM

The only thing I take seriously in the newspapers nowadays is Fish and Chips.

And even that I take with a pinch of salt.

MonkieSocks · 02-10-2020 06:43PM

Here’s a joke for all you psychics out there...

geminiman63 · 03-10-2020 11:43AM

I played on a terrible football pitch the other day, there were broken bricks poking up and all sorts.

We won 3-2 on aggregate :pac:

Capt'n Midnight · 03-10-2020 03:42PM

Until you've tired archery blindfolded you don't know what you're missing.

One-Liner Jokes

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